A huge part of me used to try and bottle up my feelings in order to make sure I didn't inconvenience anyone or so that I didn't slightly make others uncomfortable. It has been a part of my nature for as long as I can remember. I can also remember my Mom telling me "Just you wait, you will see the Momma Bear come out when you have kids one day!" Ok actually her words may of been more like this "You will see your I don't give a shit what others think of me shell crack when you have to defend your kids one day!" lol!!!!! And boy was she right. As I sit here on Mother's Day Night thinking of my perfect day, I can't help but be reminded of what was missing. Yep my Mother's Day will always be forever minus one. One special little boy that should be here; because, this should be my 7th Mother's Day with him now. Instead it is now the 7th Mother's Day I have had without him. So I am not sorry if this makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy, because today is an extremely hard day for me. You may not know exactly what words to say to me or any bereaved Mother on Mother's Day; although, with all honesty today doesn't hurt anymore than every other day we have to survive. You see today is the day that is highlighted and emphasized; yet,
- every single morning we barely accomplish getting our two feet on the ground as we force ourselves out of bed
- then as we groom ourselves like every other woman we apply a little extra makeup under our eyes to hide the dark bags that are still left from the tears we cried alone in the dark as our loved ones slept
- we robotically go though the morning routine with just enough perfectionism to hide any inkling of something being wrong
- next our attitude shockingly keeps others in a good mood all day long, even though it is something that is more exhausting to maintain than anyone can imagine ( crazy thing is that it is not at all fake, but for some reason it is more painful than we can describe )
- normal times of the day such as lunch and snack time are nothing normal for us, as it is merely just a time of day now; such as, noon is now lunch time because someone says it is and not because we are hungry or feel anything telling our bodies to react
- the drive home can usually end up with us arriving home in complete silence before we notice the radio was never on; yet, instead we drove home with our hands at 10 and 2 like we have been taught to do without a single bit of back ground noise on the entire way
- night conversation for dinner or kid bath time can seem happy and engaging, but strangely enough painful inside
- the end of the day can either end up in a knock down dramatized argument or complete silence all because we would rather let our anger out this way than begin to admit it is because we are aching inside
- as sad as it sounds every night is clock work repetitive with our bodies curled up in a ball as we cry either silently or hushed as our loved ones sleep and we dare not wake them or let them know we are still hurting another night
- and if we are lucky enough to sleep decently through the night we wake and begin the cycle another day...
the cycle of surviving without them.
So I am sorry if this offends you, me saying today was great but something was missing. But the truth is every day I live with a minus one. Every single day he is not here is painful, but it is another day closer to seeing him again. I will survive multiple Mother's Days minus Braxton; yet, the truth is he is the whole reason I am a Mother. All of the steps I have laid out above are true day in and day out. Some days some of the steps are easier and some days one or two of them can drag out and tend to be harder than I can describe. No matter how hard they may be I still choose to survive. I am blessed and I am here. It may not seem like much to some but knowing I will see him again is my whole reason for living. My precious children deserve a Mother that is present more than out to lunch as I call it lol. And yes I am human and have to remind myself of that ALOT, but I hope I am doing this Mom thing right, because I am giving it all I have. So today I do wish women everywhere Happy Mother's Day, but I truthfully can't direct it to the ones we see in the drop off school line or the typical soccer and dance moms. I have to direct it to the Moms who are just trying!!!!! So many of us are trying to start our dream family, trying to keep our shit together, trying to understand why our bodies aren't just getting pregnant like others, trying to smile through fertility or failed pregnancy tests, trying to figure out why dance class is at 4:30 PM instead of a normal after work time, trying to pretend all our socks match, trying to act like our kids eat vegetables multiple times a week and yes just trying to survive.
To every single woman that even wants to be a Mom one day HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, because no matter who you are or where you are in life I promise you...
You are loved and you have mothered someone at sometime!!!!!
- every single morning we barely accomplish getting our two feet on the ground as we force ourselves out of bed
- then as we groom ourselves like every other woman we apply a little extra makeup under our eyes to hide the dark bags that are still left from the tears we cried alone in the dark as our loved ones slept
- we robotically go though the morning routine with just enough perfectionism to hide any inkling of something being wrong
- next our attitude shockingly keeps others in a good mood all day long, even though it is something that is more exhausting to maintain than anyone can imagine ( crazy thing is that it is not at all fake, but for some reason it is more painful than we can describe )
- normal times of the day such as lunch and snack time are nothing normal for us, as it is merely just a time of day now; such as, noon is now lunch time because someone says it is and not because we are hungry or feel anything telling our bodies to react
- the drive home can usually end up with us arriving home in complete silence before we notice the radio was never on; yet, instead we drove home with our hands at 10 and 2 like we have been taught to do without a single bit of back ground noise on the entire way
- night conversation for dinner or kid bath time can seem happy and engaging, but strangely enough painful inside
- the end of the day can either end up in a knock down dramatized argument or complete silence all because we would rather let our anger out this way than begin to admit it is because we are aching inside
- as sad as it sounds every night is clock work repetitive with our bodies curled up in a ball as we cry either silently or hushed as our loved ones sleep and we dare not wake them or let them know we are still hurting another night
- and if we are lucky enough to sleep decently through the night we wake and begin the cycle another day...
the cycle of surviving without them.
So I am sorry if this offends you, me saying today was great but something was missing. But the truth is every day I live with a minus one. Every single day he is not here is painful, but it is another day closer to seeing him again. I will survive multiple Mother's Days minus Braxton; yet, the truth is he is the whole reason I am a Mother. All of the steps I have laid out above are true day in and day out. Some days some of the steps are easier and some days one or two of them can drag out and tend to be harder than I can describe. No matter how hard they may be I still choose to survive. I am blessed and I am here. It may not seem like much to some but knowing I will see him again is my whole reason for living. My precious children deserve a Mother that is present more than out to lunch as I call it lol. And yes I am human and have to remind myself of that ALOT, but I hope I am doing this Mom thing right, because I am giving it all I have. So today I do wish women everywhere Happy Mother's Day, but I truthfully can't direct it to the ones we see in the drop off school line or the typical soccer and dance moms. I have to direct it to the Moms who are just trying!!!!! So many of us are trying to start our dream family, trying to keep our shit together, trying to understand why our bodies aren't just getting pregnant like others, trying to smile through fertility or failed pregnancy tests, trying to figure out why dance class is at 4:30 PM instead of a normal after work time, trying to pretend all our socks match, trying to act like our kids eat vegetables multiple times a week and yes just trying to survive.
To every single woman that even wants to be a Mom one day HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, because no matter who you are or where you are in life I promise you...
You are loved and you have mothered someone at sometime!!!!!
