The Braxton Shirt Bunch

The littlest things and the littlest supporters sometimes mean the most!!!!  Every single year our special sitter Tricia buys all of the kids she keeps Braxton shirts.  Each year I try and tell her to not feel like she has too, but every year she insists!  Well ok truth is if you know our Tricia you know she basically tells me I can’t tell her what she can and can’t do lol!  All of the kids love getting their Braxton shirts and then a few times through the year they will have Braxton shirt days and you should see how tickled they are to say they are all twins lol!  And in true Tricia fashion she gets this amazing picture every year for me; meanwhile, I can barely get just Leighton and Jean Paul to stand still for a picture for me!  I can remember Leighton being so excited the first year all her friends had her Bubba’s shirts and then when Jean Paul joined the crew her smile grew even more in the pictures!  But this year I can’t lie I had tears running down my face when I saw the group picture because Jean Paul looks beyond proud to be wearing his Bubba shirt with all of his friends!  This group picture each year is worth so much more than anyone can ever understand.  As a grieving mother each year that passes brings more and more worry that your baby will be slowly forgotten.  The pain is indescribable and sometimes it even feels unworthy of talking about because you know so many just won’t understand.  So to have moments like this and feel so much love and support all those pains are erased for a little while.  Tricia promised me after losing Braxton that my family and future kids were always welcome at her house and that we would always have a spot in her daycare.  I just never truly knew how much she meant it.  I say that because not only has she kept Leighton and now Jean Paul, she still keeps Braxton there in a very special way.  A way I never knew I needed.  His name is still spoken between those walls where he should of been playing, learning and growing; and to me that is more than I could of ever asked for.  Just like any other parent I want my son to be loved and man is he is loved by his friends and teachers at Mrs Tricia’s!!!!!!  I know he watches over every single one of them too!  There have been many times his spirit has made its presence known there as well and each time Tricia tells me about it to remind me how special he is to her.  I can’t help but believe our shirts are beyond speaking the truth this year...

Because of you I believe in Angels!!!!!

Bed Hair Don’t Care

When Mommy has to be at work for 6:00 AM this is what you get lol!

  Leighton being sassy as usual and...

Well I think Jean Paul’s picture speaks for itself.  

The crazy thing is that as more time passes I honestly think this picture perfectly represents his personality.  He can be moody but for the most part it’s truly his hard headed demeanor that gets him in trouble lol.  And say what you want about my push the limits little boy, cause at the end of the day he is one sweet teddy bear that only wants hugs and kisses.  He adores his big sister more than anything else.  As you can see in this picture he wants to pose when she does just to be next to her.  I can see him in high school still doing this exact thing before he walks out on school mornings lol.  Imitating her to annoy her and bed hair to the max.  He will be one of those kids that just doesn’t care what others think until you have an opinion about his sister I promise!!!!  So when I saw this picture this morning I had to laugh out loud, because you can lay out the perfectly ironed clothes, leave notes to remind them to brush their teeth (with toothpaste)  and even place the brush by the front door...

But some just aren’t bothered by what others think and that will be my Jean Paul!!!

You Say

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, o-ooh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
Oh, I believe

Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure God, and You'll have every victory, o-ooh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
I believe

Oh I believe
Yes I believe
What You say of me
Oh I believe

Just One More Night

It has been a long 7 days!!!!!  Finally finished my my 7 day stretch of night shifts... till the next one lol.  I am absolutely loving the night shift; although, I’m steadily realizing I am way to nosey to be working at a trauma hospital lol.  I have no regrets of jumping right in and giving this shift a shot.  The hard part is missing my babies while I’m at work.  So yesterday I decided to forfeit some of my sleep and wake up early enough to pick them both up and bring them somewhere fun before I went in at 5:00 PM.  The were so excited as we headed to get ice cream and cookies, but couldn’t agree on what flavor they both were going to get!  Once we got there we picked our booth and started enjoying some time together.  Jean Paul wanted to show me all the sea animal figurines he had smuggled out of the car without me noticing and Leighton  proudly began showing me everything in her book sack that she had done at school.  Once Maw Maw got there they chose their ice cream and then both barely said a word while they inhaled the treat lol.  By the time they were done they both had marching blue smiles and my heart was so full.  I actually told myself in my head “Good job Mommy!”  But what happened next completely crushed me.  As I buckled them into Maw Maw’s van Leighton began sobbing.  And I mean sobbing huge crocodile tears.  She was crying so hard she could not even open her eyes.  Fighting back my own tears I kept telling her just one more night peanut, just one more night then I’ll be home for 7 whole days.  She kept crying harder and harder.  As my Mom told me to get in my car before she would see my cry I kissed her big and squeezed her tight.  As I got in my car I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, because my heart hurt so bad.  I told myself “Just one more night Mommy!”  

And yes I cried the whole way to work!

Walking For My Angel

Another year another walk.  Braxton what I wouldn’t do to have you hear baby boy!  I promised you I would never let you be forgotten and this is one way we have chosen to do that!  I literally just worked a 12 hour shift and am headed to the walk for you!!  The things you do for your kids!!!!!  Your brother and sister are so proud of you and can’t wait for this event every year!!  Today is for you my sweet boy!!!

Spoiled Rotten

Dates with my Daddy are times I cherish more and more as the years go by.  Some may call

 it spoiled; well ok yes I am spoiled rotten and I will admit it lol.  But at least I am an appreciative spoiled rotten daughter!!!!  Ever since I was a little girl my daddy has always made time for dates just for he and I.  It is one of the things I will always think of when I think of growing up.  Maybe he shouldn’t of taken me to Ruth Chris’s for our very first date because he set the standards pretty high lol!  I mean even as a 6 year old I knew I could never go backwards after that!  This is probably why he was then, is now and always will be the greatest man I know.  No one can compete or even come close to how he makes me feel.  All jokes aside I don’t need fine dining to have fun or spend time with my Daddy, but the special dates still are our tradition and I wouldn’t trade them for the world!!!!

The Same Table

How can everything around you seem to be spiraling out of control and with one glance of these two it can instantly all feel ok???  Literally I feel like I can’t keep up or even get a little ahead in my role as a Mom, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend and Employee these days.  Not that I mean everything is going wrong, but just that I feel like I’m constantly running in circles.  I apologize to the ones I love most because man they see the bad side of me when I’m stressed lol.  As I sat on the couch  bribing myself to get up and fold the clothes, finish my PRN paperwork for a new job, empty

the dishwasher, straighten up and iron tomorrow’s school clothes I literally was about to cry from the feelings of incapability. Then I looked over and saw my sweet babies coloring at their table together.  

The same table that has been in my house since I got married.

The same table that after losing our Braxton became our prayer table.

The same table that my children now sit and pray at before they eat their meals.

The same table that we allow our kids to make memories at while we watch their imaginations and personalities grow.

The same table that was given to me from my Great Grandfather because he built it with his own hands!

So as I sat their watching my miracles play together at that table, I couldn’t help but smile and feel like everything will be ok.  It will be ok because I will not give up.  After  I tucked my kids into bed tonight I walked up to that table and ran my hands across the top of it and thought about what my Great Grandfather would tell me right now.  Once I got past the curse words and lecture I know he would start with I heard him whisper how proud he is of me; and then I let the tears fall.  When I picked up my head to wipe my eyes right in front of me was a picture of Braxton on the wall. 

All I could do was look up and say “I get it”.  

Instantly I felt worthy and capable of everything I have ever wanted because I felt their presence!!!!  I may be a mess lately but this mess of a Mom, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend and Employee will not give up!!!  

Today We Remember

So thankful for the ones who stood with me and lit a candle for Braxton tonight.   He and all the other babies gone too soon we prayed for.  It is good to feel loved and supported on days like today!  Infant loss is beyond life changing and doesn’t get easier as time goes by.  Hug your loved ones tight and remember to tell them their worth, because time is only borrowed... it is not promised!

Sometimes Stress Catches Up With Us

After a very long Saturday at Cajun Field my little family needed some down time.  To be completely honest the stress of losing my job and completely starting over in my career path over the last few months is catching up with all of us.  I am beyond grateful for the blessings that have come my way and also beyond proud of myself for the first time in a very long time.  I truly never thought I could move past my comfort zone in my career, but surprisingly for once I didn’t sit back and cry... I kept going and would not let myself be defeated.  I know my kids were my driving force but I still had to be the one to get up every single day and keep going.  After losing Braxton some things that may have knocked me down don’t.  I guess I know how it feels to be completely broken and I refuse to let anything stand in the way of my kids getting everything they deserve, and that includes a Mommy who is willing to do whatever it takes to provide for them.  So I may be tired and I may be crabby, but I’m getting it done lol.  Even though my willpower is strong it doesn’t mean it can get a little stressful.  Sometimes we have to get angry, mad and sad to allow ourselves to recharge.  Well that’s why happened this weekend.  So I promise to post the precious pictures of my little ones at the UL Homecoming Game this week, but today we just chilled.  We went costume shopping, had an indoor picnic ( or PIMPNIC as Jean Paul called it lol), and went to the park and nothing was rushed.  Just the simple things today.  No housework or chores were even touched and that’s ok.  Baby steps are all we can do for right now,  because in the end who really knows what they are doing in this life RIGHT???

Wear Red Friday

We love to paint the town red for UL Homecoming!  Leighton was very specific about what she wanted to wear all the way up to her hairdo lol.  Jean Paul loves his Cajuns just as much as his sister but he also loves to do everything she does too!  So after a long day at school

We decided it was time to do some Halloween decorating.  Once again Jean Paul wanted to do whatever his big sister did; even the posing lol!!!!  Lazy afternoons are why I love.  Just me and my babies spending time together.  We are all excited and ready for another great day at Cajun Field tomorrow!!!! GO UL!!!!

Bubba’s Pumpkin

What a day to be off from work and with my babies!  As soon as school let out I was there to get Leighton and Jean Paul!  Seven nights working over night was long and lonesome.  We headed straight to the cemetery to bring Bubba the pumpkins they picked out for him.  While we were visiting we walked around and straightened up some of the other decorations and headstones.  My sweet Leighton let me know that she wanted to buy more pumpkins and come back and give them to some of the babies to match Braxton.  My heart was bursting with pride!!!!!  So guess where we will be going this weekend?  Yep we will be going back to buy more little pumpkins for her to hand out!!!! I know with all my heart every angel baby will adore the pumpkins she gives them as much as her Big brother in heaven does!!!

Missing Mommy

Only one more night working late and then this Mommy will be reunited with her babies every afternoon for 7 whole days!  This new routine will take some planning and getting used too for sure, but I think we can do it if we all work together.  Leighton and I made a calendar and she placed stickers on all the days Mommy works at night; each day we mark an X over the day after it is done!  This morning Leighton let me know that I only have one more night to work and then lots of nights with her.  If she only knew that I am counting down the days just as much as she is.  I try and keep the morning routine the same for them as much as I can in hopes of some normalcy lol.  So even though I get off at 5 AM from a 12 hour shift I come home to wake them, dress them, snuggle them and bring them to school... just to get as much time as I can with them.  So needless to say we are all ready for tomorrow so we can have lots of time together!!!

Weekend Memories

What a weekend!  Phew so I worked my first full weekend night shift and was beyond tired, but these kids here didn’t miss out on a thing lol.  Between Maw Maw and Pepa’s House, to MiMi and Popa’s House and tons of fun stops in between they had a blast.  I am so blessed to know my kids are so loved.  In between sleepovers and my work and sleep schedule this weekend I still got to join in on some of the fun.  And although it kills me to be away from them like this I know deep down they are getting quality time with their grandparents too.  And as we all know time with loved ones is not promised so we need to soak it up when we can!  My babies loved going to the pumpkin patch on Saturday!  Just to be outside was a treat since we have had nothing but rain lately.  After nap time I suppress them and helped them decorate their big pumpkins they had picked out!  The sweetest part was both of them picked out a tiny pumpkin for Braxton.  I can’t wait to take them to bring it to their brother this weekend!  Sunday was just as fun for them.  I can see now why Leighton loves going shopping with MiMi at Target lol.  Apparently they played dress up and giggled up and down the aisles lol.  Nothing warms my heart more than seeing my babies smile.  

My Sweet Jean Paul

This little boy right here y’all... 

You honestly never know what you are going to get when his eyes open each morning.  We have to literally tip toe into his room and sometimes it feels like we are holding our breath to see if we will be greeted with Jean Paul the sweet teddy bear or Jean Paul the moody monster lol.  I’ve even tried to do the same exact routines in the morning to try and duplicate the happy wake ups but you just never know lol.  The only thing that is guaranteed every single morning lately is that before his eyes even completely open he will tell (not ask) tell you he wants fruit loops.  And for your sanity you should just have those already poured into a bowl and waiting for him lol.  I was very well warned that I should probably not give him the middle name Vincent after my great Grandfather, but stubborn me wanted to honor him so badly.  Well the joke is on me now because I have produced a stubborn/hot tempered clone to the tee lol.  My Mom loves to watch Jean Paul do something fiesty and then giggle under her breath and say “uh huh go ahead give him the middle name Vincent; don’t say I didn’t warn you!”  And yes I say he is a handful, but I hope everyone knows I love him more than life itself.  And if you stick around and get to see his teddy bear side you will completely melt.  He can push me to the limit all day long, but with one sweet thing he can make me completely forget I was mad.  He is beyond loveable and kind hearted.  I can not wait to watch him grow because I know he is going to be an amazing young man before I can blink. 

School Days

Our sweet Leighton Rose took her first school pictures!  Seeing her enjoy school is so amazing to witness.  Besides the normal whining due to tiredness from her new school schedule she is all smiles.  I am also so impressed with how fast she is picking up on new things.  More than anything she is so eager to read.  I can’t wait for the day I get to see her face light up when she reads her first book to us.  Every night she wants to teach Jean Paul something new that she learned at school that day.  Poor thing doesn’t have the most attentive student when it comes to him but he will repeat some of the things she asks him too.  It is beyond precious!  I honestly didn’t think I would get this much joy from watching her do homework, flash cards, recite prayers etc.  The sky is the limit Leighton Rose and we are here to help you achieve any dream you set your heart on!!!

Go Away Virus

Daddy is sick and quarantined to the bedroom today.  Which means dinner is a picnic in the living room, snuggles and movie time with Mom and these two.  They think it’s a big secret we are hidding from Daddy lol.  And since it’s a big secret it makes it lots more fun!!!!!  We have a huge couch, a recliner and two oversized chairs in our living room but on top of me is where they want to be.  No complaints here, just hoping no one else gets sick!!!

Grandparents Day

Grandparents

Grandparents bestow upon their grandchildren 

the strength and wisdom that time

and experience have given them.

Grandchildren bless their Grandparents 

with a youthful vitality and innocence 

that help them stay young at heart forever.

Together they create a chain of love

linking the past with the future.

The chain may lengthen,

but it will never part...