7 Years Ago Today I Buried My Son

7 years ago today I buried my son.
7 years ago today I was a newly grieving Mother.
7 years ago today I saw the tiniest coffin in front of me knowing my sweet boys body was inside.
7 years ago today I was forced to admit you weren’t coming back.
7 years ago today I buried my son.
7 years ago today I buried my son.
7 years ago today I buried my son.
( no matter how many times I say it somehow it still doesn’t seem real even 7 years later )


This is for any Mother that is where I was 7 years ago: 

To The Newly Grieving Mother,

I know.  

I know how it feels to have your heart feel both heavy and empty..  

I know how it feels for your arms to ache from the emptiness of what you should be holding.

I know that your life will never be the same.  And how you will beg God for just one day to go back to the way things were so you can rest. 

I know how it feels to wonder if life is still worth living because you now question everything.  

I know the hard realization that stabs you in the heart , the moment you wake up.  The one that reminds you “Your baby is gone.”

I know how it feels to be surrounded by people you don’t want to see because the one person that matters most can’t be here.

I know the guilt you feel.  You’ve done nothing wrong, but the guilt has a way of invading your mind and trying to convince you otherwise.  

I know that the sight of other people being happy with their children makes you wants to scream and throw things.  

I know how it feels to look in the mirror and not even recognize the person staring back at you.  That woman looks broken now.

I know the feeling of seeing your dreams crumble and knowing you will never be able to put the pieces back together in the same way.  For your pieces are different now.

I know that you love your baby with every ounce of your being and I know that love will never go away.  

I know that you’re more than exhausted.  You always will be because grief is exhausting.

I know that words will do nothing to change what happened.  But, I also know that words have power and they can provide comfort.

I know that you don’t want to admit you relate to all of these points because that reminds you that your a grieving mother just like me.  

Finally, I know that you are loved and that you are never alone in this.

‘Twas The Night Before Kindergarten

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE KINDERGARTEN 

SHE WAS TUCKED IN HER BED

KISSES WERE GIVEN

AND PRAYERS WERE SAID

LUNCHES ARE PACKED

BOOKSACK IS READY TO GO

SEEMS LIKE SHE WAS BORN YESTERDAY

OH HOW FAST THEY GROW

NEW TEACHER, NEW FRIENDS

AND A BRAND NEW CLASS AT SCHOOL

I AM SURE SHE WILL THINK

KINDERGARTEN IS COOL

AS I DROP YOU OFF TOMORROW 

TO A NEW WOELD OF FUN

GET EXCITED LEIGHTON ROSE...

A NEW CHAPTER HAS BEGUN!!!!

Happy Birthday My Sweet Boy

7 years ago my life would forever be changed!

There were so many worries and heartaches during my pregnancy that I thought rocked my world... but nothing could prepare me for the day you were born.  It was by far the greatest day and the hardest day of my life.  August 17, 2012 would forever be the day that divided the life I knew before my heart broke and the life I would try and survive after the day you were born.  If I were ever asked if I could erase those 9 months I would look you right in the eye and tell you “Not no but hell no.”  In fact I would do it all again for the one day I had you in my arms!!!!  I can not lie and tell you it has been easy these past 7 years.  The hardest part for me has had to be the “what if’s.”  I stay awake at night going over and over the what if’s and what could of beens.  I know it isn’t healthy but it’s something I feel every grieving mother does.  So this year as I sit here in tears trying to still understand why or how this really happened I started to think if you; Braxton Michael knew some of the things Mommy wonders about

.

Do you know:

 Your sister  told me about how she

  met you in heaven before she came here,  

  and shared how you handpicked her to be

  your sister.

 That I still cry every single night when 

  everyone else is fast asleep.

 The blanket your Maw Maw made you 

  and I wrapped you in the entire time I held you in the hospital still is with me every time I a lay my head down in bed.

 I can’t smell the pink Johnson and Johnson without being brought back to the day you were born.

 I doubt myself as a mother over and over again because I couldn’t save you even though I know it’s the farthest thing from the truth.

 Every single time my heart feels like it can’t go another day without you being here that I get a sign from you pushing me to not give up.

That every singe birthday that passes scares me more and more because a part of me is afraid that you are slipping father and farther away.  

Every single morning as soon as my eyes open I feel a sudden wave of panic and want to look for you; only to have to remind myself that this is really my life and you are truly gone.

Your little brother asks me to bring him to visit you multiple times a week because he says he loves you so much. 

That I begged and pleaded with God to prove the Drs wrong and show them faith is more powerful than medicine sometimes.

That even though you aren’t here with us physically you are in our lives every single day because we choose to include you forever.

That your story would help others in so many ways for years and years.

We are one in 4 families documented in the entire world to have a baby with your diagnosis; but somehow to me it doesn’t feel that rare because you were mine.  You felt like you were always meant to be mine no matter what genetics showed

On the days I feel not worthy your Mommy tells herself you were smart to leave.

Every single time one of your siblings has “a first” I feel like I should know what I’m doing because I should of had “that first” with you.  

I can’t hear your name without my heart bursting with pride.  

The list could go on and on for  days, but today as I drowned myself in sorrow I  decided to say out loud for the first time ever the thing I do know!!

I do know:

That you Braxton Michael were meant to be my son.  You not only chose me but 

somehow a long long time ago I chose you as well.  

I do know:

That you knew your life would pave the way for your sister and brother to be blessed with healthy lives and knowledge of the disease they genetically could pass on.

I do know:

That you already knew faith would prove science wrong way before you even were here.  And that your Dr would look at me with tear filled eyes as he described your birthday.  And as he spoke of you he shared how he had never seen love like he saw in that delivery room that day.  And as he held my hand he told me he for the first time saw a Mother’s love give a child something no amount of medicine could give.

I do know:

That you are with us every single day and watch over your siblings more than any guardian angel we have ever dreamed of.

I do know:

That when I cry myself to sleep each night you want me to feel you by my side saying “Mommy it’s ok!”

I do know:

That you know Mommy would of done anything in order to save you, but that your story was already written for greater things.

And lastly I do know that you; Braxton Michael, are the reason I try every single day to look for the light in things.  You are the reason I don’t give up.  And you are the reason I believe in Heaven.  Because son, one day I will be with you again and I pray you run to me and tell me how proud you are of me for believing that day would come.

Happy birthday My Sweet Boy!