Happy Birthday My Sweet Boy

7 years ago my life would forever be changed!

There were so many worries and heartaches during my pregnancy that I thought rocked my world... but nothing could prepare me for the day you were born.  It was by far the greatest day and the hardest day of my life.  August 17, 2012 would forever be the day that divided the life I knew before my heart broke and the life I would try and survive after the day you were born.  If I were ever asked if I could erase those 9 months I would look you right in the eye and tell you “Not no but hell no.”  In fact I would do it all again for the one day I had you in my arms!!!!  I can not lie and tell you it has been easy these past 7 years.  The hardest part for me has had to be the “what if’s.”  I stay awake at night going over and over the what if’s and what could of beens.  I know it isn’t healthy but it’s something I feel every grieving mother does.  So this year as I sit here in tears trying to still understand why or how this really happened I started to think if you; Braxton Michael knew some of the things Mommy wonders about

.

Do you know:

 Your sister  told me about how she

  met you in heaven before she came here,  

  and shared how you handpicked her to be

  your sister.

 That I still cry every single night when 

  everyone else is fast asleep.

 The blanket your Maw Maw made you 

  and I wrapped you in the entire time I held you in the hospital still is with me every time I a lay my head down in bed.

 I can’t smell the pink Johnson and Johnson without being brought back to the day you were born.

 I doubt myself as a mother over and over again because I couldn’t save you even though I know it’s the farthest thing from the truth.

 Every single time my heart feels like it can’t go another day without you being here that I get a sign from you pushing me to not give up.

That every singe birthday that passes scares me more and more because a part of me is afraid that you are slipping father and farther away.  

Every single morning as soon as my eyes open I feel a sudden wave of panic and want to look for you; only to have to remind myself that this is really my life and you are truly gone.

Your little brother asks me to bring him to visit you multiple times a week because he says he loves you so much. 

That I begged and pleaded with God to prove the Drs wrong and show them faith is more powerful than medicine sometimes.

That even though you aren’t here with us physically you are in our lives every single day because we choose to include you forever.

That your story would help others in so many ways for years and years.

We are one in 4 families documented in the entire world to have a baby with your diagnosis; but somehow to me it doesn’t feel that rare because you were mine.  You felt like you were always meant to be mine no matter what genetics showed

On the days I feel not worthy your Mommy tells herself you were smart to leave.

Every single time one of your siblings has “a first” I feel like I should know what I’m doing because I should of had “that first” with you.  

I can’t hear your name without my heart bursting with pride.  

The list could go on and on for  days, but today as I drowned myself in sorrow I  decided to say out loud for the first time ever the thing I do know!!

I do know:

That you Braxton Michael were meant to be my son.  You not only chose me but 

somehow a long long time ago I chose you as well.  

I do know:

That you knew your life would pave the way for your sister and brother to be blessed with healthy lives and knowledge of the disease they genetically could pass on.

I do know:

That you already knew faith would prove science wrong way before you even were here.  And that your Dr would look at me with tear filled eyes as he described your birthday.  And as he spoke of you he shared how he had never seen love like he saw in that delivery room that day.  And as he held my hand he told me he for the first time saw a Mother’s love give a child something no amount of medicine could give.

I do know:

That you are with us every single day and watch over your siblings more than any guardian angel we have ever dreamed of.

I do know:

That when I cry myself to sleep each night you want me to feel you by my side saying “Mommy it’s ok!”

I do know:

That you know Mommy would of done anything in order to save you, but that your story was already written for greater things.

And lastly I do know that you; Braxton Michael, are the reason I try every single day to look for the light in things.  You are the reason I don’t give up.  And you are the reason I believe in Heaven.  Because son, one day I will be with you again and I pray you run to me and tell me how proud you are of me for believing that day would come.

Happy birthday My Sweet Boy!