Time To Be Ok With Myself

Wow I can’t believe 2017 has already come and go!  They weren’t lying when they said enjoy every single moment while your kids are young because I feel like I blinked and a year passed.  Crazy how when I was younger it felt like 5 years between one Christmas to the next!  I pray my kids see the good I am trying to do for them as they learn and grow through the years.  Like every year since we lost our Braxton we headed to the cemetery for sparklers with our Angel!  It is a tradition I love so dearly and hope my sweet boy loves too!  I know it’s tradition to set a New Year’s Resolution but I honestly feel mine this year has been a work in progress so I’m hoping I can focus more and make changes in me for my family!  

- I want to take a step back from what I feel others want me to do and do what is best for me and my family!

- I want to be more in control of my OCD and anxiety so that I can be a better mom, wife and overall person.

- I want to see the good in myself first before self pointing out my flaws everyday.

- I want to be proud of who I am and realize I am someone worth being around.

- I want to be confident in my own skin and realize how much I truly have to offer this world.

- I want to be a Mom that my kids aren’t scared to mess up around in fear of upsetting me.

- I want to be a Grieving Mom without feeling ashamed or pitties for the way I have chosen to raise my children with their brothers memory in our everyday lives.

- I want to be a Wife that shares and listens to every detail of everyday.

- I want to be a Daughter and a Sister that my family used to know.

- I want to be a friend that others chose to be close to rather than feel sorry for.

- And lastly I want to be a Woman of God who knows without any doubt that she is here for a reason  and show others that I will never give up on God’s plan for me!

So for once in my life I am being truly selfish and saying out loud that 2018 will be all about me!  Well of course not only about me lol, but I will be focusing on bettering my self as a person!  I pray for your support and understanding as I know this will be difficult.  It is time to get myself in a healthy frame of mind, body and spirit so that I can learn to embrace the many blessings in front of me.  Please know that self hate can be more toxic than any other relationship your are in.  I say this truthfully in hopes that this is my first step in becoming a better me!

Happy New Year to you and your families as we all look into 2018 and know we are worth so much more than we give ourselves credit for!!!

Perfect Lazy Saturday

I wanted a weekend full of cuddles, kisses and laughter and today we accomplished a full day of that!  We had a long night with lots of kiddos getting up and poor Jean Paul waking and screaming a lot because of his teeth, but once we all got in Mommy’s bed by 4:30 AM we snuggled till 9:00 AM which is amazing in my book!  Then just spent the day hanging out just me and the kids!  So I’d say so far my weekend is starting off just how I wanted it too!  And tomorrow the plans are to do the same exact thing!!!

Finally A Weekend At Home

After 5 weekends in a row of solid traveling we finally have a weekend at home!  No plans and possibly not even gonna get out of our pajamas all weekend!  So glad we can stay home and let the kids enjoy their Christmas goodies and some down time with no traveling!  I see lots of Barbies, puzzles, dress up, concerts, cars, dump trucks and tractor playing in my 48 hour forecast!  Sometimes a staycation is just what this family needs to regroup and recharge!!!!!

I Can Do This

Today was one of those days.  One of those days where I couldn’t grasp what is truly my reality.  I tried all day to hold the tears in, but by the time I got home this afternoon I simply couldn’t anymore! I could hear myself getting short with the kids, and all the while telling myself they don’t understand why you feel this way it’s not their fault.  And as much as I wanted to be warm and fuzzy I just couldn’t and that upset me even more.  By the time Brent got home I was no longer able to hold it all together.  I quickly snapped at him which caused a few words of bickering back and forth.  Next thing I knew I was washing dishes sobbing while trying to keep my face hidden from the kids and from Brent.  I know he knew but it still is something I don’t always like him to see.  I’m supposed to be able to do this.... I’m supposed to be the glue.  Before I knew it he had drawn me a hot bath with a glass of wine sitting on the side of the tub for me.  He discreetly tried to tell me to take a brief pause and sit in the tub and relax.  As much as I saw this as a sweet gesture it only made me feel less worthy inside.  Once again I’m supposed to be able to do this... I’m supposed to be the glue.  As he closed the bathroom door he said “Take as long as you need I’ll bathe the kids.”  And then the dreaded “ your ok Sarah, your ok.”  I couldn’t even see him through the tears but in that moment I wanted to scream back “Is it really??? Is it really ok?”  But something in me saw the good in what he was doing.  It’s been 5 1/2 years and this is the first time he has noticed me spiraling down in front of him and caught me before I hit rock bottom. It hasn’t been his fault that it has taken this long it has actually been mine.  You see I try to hide all the pain as much as I can.  I try so hard to be super Mom in order to cover up the Grieving Mom that is just below the surface.  And though I know my blessings are in the millions I can’t help but see the happy moments with my babies as missed moments with Braxton sometimes.  It’s such a hard place to be some days.  As a try and fit in with others, even my best friends and family, I feel so different from everyone else.  Sometimes that feeling is lonely, sometimes that feeling is gut wrenching and sometimes that feeling is pure anger with what is now my reality.  But that’s ok and when I can settle down my emotions and quietly remind myself .... “I am ok” I just have to breathe.  Cause if I didn’t feel different, if I didn’t hurt, if I didn’t miss him more than life itself then it would only mean one thing.... it would mean he had never existed.  So at the end of the day after all the pain and all the tears I wouldn’t trade his time here for anything.  I wish I could do this Grieving Mom thing better some days, especially for my families sake, but for now I’m just glad my husband can notice the days I need his support, for my sweet children’s innocent love and most of all for Braxton’s existence!  This is my life, my reality is that I lost a child but through that I can say I was given an angel... a sweet boy that I love dearly!  I can do this... I don’t always have to be the glue.  I just need to be me... a Wife and Mother taking it one day at a time the best way she knows how!!

Family

I’ve never known anything but a big family!  Both of my parents come from big..... and I mean big families!  The kind of big where you can’t hear yourself talk most of the time!  But like I said it’s all I’ve ever known and I honestly can’t imagine life without every single one of them!  I pray my kids realize one day how unique our family is.  Our bond is close and even during the hard times our Love always come first!!!

That’s A Wrap On Christmas 2017

Well that’s if for Christmas 2017!  All the parties are over, all the gifts have been opened and we celebrated Jesus as the reason for the season.  Although at this time I am currently to tired to even be the slightest bit sad about it being over lol.  All I can say is that Jean Paul is obviously very aware and able to show his true feelings about Christmas 2017 coming to an end!!!!  

Christmas 2017

ANOTHER CHRISTMAS SEASON COMES AND GOES WITHOUT YOU MY SWEET BABY BOY, BUT WE CONTINUE TO FEEL YOUR LOVE THROUGH IT ALL!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM OUR FAMILY TO YOURS!