I Can Do This

Today was one of those days.  One of those days where I couldn’t grasp what is truly my reality.  I tried all day to hold the tears in, but by the time I got home this afternoon I simply couldn’t anymore! I could hear myself getting short with the kids, and all the while telling myself they don’t understand why you feel this way it’s not their fault.  And as much as I wanted to be warm and fuzzy I just couldn’t and that upset me even more.  By the time Brent got home I was no longer able to hold it all together.  I quickly snapped at him which caused a few words of bickering back and forth.  Next thing I knew I was washing dishes sobbing while trying to keep my face hidden from the kids and from Brent.  I know he knew but it still is something I don’t always like him to see.  I’m supposed to be able to do this.... I’m supposed to be the glue.  Before I knew it he had drawn me a hot bath with a glass of wine sitting on the side of the tub for me.  He discreetly tried to tell me to take a brief pause and sit in the tub and relax.  As much as I saw this as a sweet gesture it only made me feel less worthy inside.  Once again I’m supposed to be able to do this... I’m supposed to be the glue.  As he closed the bathroom door he said “Take as long as you need I’ll bathe the kids.”  And then the dreaded “ your ok Sarah, your ok.”  I couldn’t even see him through the tears but in that moment I wanted to scream back “Is it really??? Is it really ok?”  But something in me saw the good in what he was doing.  It’s been 5 1/2 years and this is the first time he has noticed me spiraling down in front of him and caught me before I hit rock bottom. It hasn’t been his fault that it has taken this long it has actually been mine.  You see I try to hide all the pain as much as I can.  I try so hard to be super Mom in order to cover up the Grieving Mom that is just below the surface.  And though I know my blessings are in the millions I can’t help but see the happy moments with my babies as missed moments with Braxton sometimes.  It’s such a hard place to be some days.  As a try and fit in with others, even my best friends and family, I feel so different from everyone else.  Sometimes that feeling is lonely, sometimes that feeling is gut wrenching and sometimes that feeling is pure anger with what is now my reality.  But that’s ok and when I can settle down my emotions and quietly remind myself .... “I am ok” I just have to breathe.  Cause if I didn’t feel different, if I didn’t hurt, if I didn’t miss him more than life itself then it would only mean one thing.... it would mean he had never existed.  So at the end of the day after all the pain and all the tears I wouldn’t trade his time here for anything.  I wish I could do this Grieving Mom thing better some days, especially for my families sake, but for now I’m just glad my husband can notice the days I need his support, for my sweet children’s innocent love and most of all for Braxton’s existence!  This is my life, my reality is that I lost a child but through that I can say I was given an angel... a sweet boy that I love dearly!  I can do this... I don’t always have to be the glue.  I just need to be me... a Wife and Mother taking it one day at a time the best way she knows how!!