Life Is To Short

Last night I went to bed:

- frustrated

- tired

- aggravated

- sad

- unappreciated

- overly anxious

- scared

- restless

- hating myself

- incapable

- broken

- worthless

- lost

- confused

and lots of other negative things.

I woke up this morning with the feelings of no self worth again weighing on my mind, heart and soul.  I showered and decided to swing by the cemetery for a quick visit with my baby boy to clear my head.  As always I left feeling alot better.  But something was still pulling me down.  All day I tried to do things for others in order to make them smile.  Even small things like a snack I know they like because I love making others smile.  Sometimes others smiles can completely veto all the sadness I am feeling at that time I don't know why but something in me transforms when I can give someone else a smile.  It wasn't until later in the day while my friend and I were talking that the switch flipped for me today.  As I heard the words coming out of my mouth as I told my friend how 2 people I knew were struggling this Christmas due to family heartache.  In that moment my heart felt overwhelmed with guilt of how I had been feeling.  Life is to short and I need to remember that.  Most people would assume that since I personally have had such a huge loss; such as the loss of a child, that I should just get it.  That is the furthest from the reality of it.  Parents of angel babies are just like anyone else.  We get wrapped up in the same distractions as others do.  And even though every single day is just as hard as the day we lost our babies we still need reality checks sometimes.  Through the grief we can be blinded.  Sometimes I even think maybe my mind is playing tricks on me to make me think this sadness isn't mind.  But it sadly is mine.... ALL MINE.  But I am not the only one in this world hurting.  We all have our own trials and journeys here on Earth.  So tonight after I picked up Leighton from dancing and I heard her sweet little voice talking away in the back seat I had to take a deep breath in and remind myself "life is to short!"  The small moments we overlook or take for granted are someone else's dreams of having.  Days like today are extremely hard when I allow sadness and pain to control me, but I have to admit the wake up calls are greatly appreciated.  The feeling the moment my heart notices the wake up calls is the most amazing feeling to me.  The warmth, love and appreciation for one more day here to make an impression on anyone; even if it is a complete stranger, is a blessing.  So tonight I will lay my head down to go to sleep quite different than I did last night when I cried myself to sleep.  Tonight I will remember to thank God for all that he has blessed me with.  And those blessings are even the hard things I have endured, because in those hard times he always walked by my side!  I believe with all my heart in God's plan for me and for my sweet baby boy.  Some days I question it and I think that is normal.  But the days I seem to feel the lowest I always get a sign that shows my heart his love is forever faithful.  Five and a half years ago I chose God's love over all other advice; including medical advice, and it has always been the best choice I have ever made.  I will never forget the look in one of our Dr's eyes as he tried to speak without crying as he admitted to Brent and I that what he witnessed on Braxton's birthday was something far greater than he had ever been a part of.  What he saw was true Faith, Hope and Love.  And as he tried to find the words to tell us his medical advice was wrong in more ways than he could of ever imagined because as he watched the love that surrounded Braxton on August 17, 2012 he was shaken to his core.  In that moment I did not need to know we had made the right decision because I felt it.  It was beyond powerful and I realized all of my pain and heartache then and everyday without Braxton was for a greater plan.  I will always believe in his plan for me, even on the hard days.  But man does it feel good to be reminded!!!