The scariest thing I think I have learned about grief is how it can sneak up out of no where at anytime. It’s almost as if it silently waits till it sees you smiling finally or enjoying yourself and then BAM it blindsides you. It can hit you so hard that you truly begin to question if you should be allowed to enjoy yourself. From the start of my blog I have always vowed to try and be honest in order to help others. The honest truth is last night was a hard night for me. It was a night that left me curled up sobbing as I rocked back and forth aching from the inside out. If I could of removed my heart from my chest last night I would of. Just to catch my breath and be pain free for a moment I would of done it. As I woke this morning my eyes swollen and feeling bruised I couldn’t seem to get myself moving. I wasn’t hurting from grief anymore but it felt almost like I had a hangover from the pain I felt the night before. Somehow my children seemed to sense I was unable to get out of bed. One by one they took turns climbing into bed to snuggle me and both of them actually fell back to sleep with me too. That is something that never happens. But as they each took their turn nurturing me they made their way out to the living room and played quietly while Brent laid next to me and tried to coach me to get up and start the day. I finally made my way out into the living room where I was greeted with the warmest smiles and hugs. We climbed into the car and headed to the cemetery. The rain kept us in the car but just being there and hearing Leighton and Jean Paul giggle as they waved out the window through the raindrops made me happy. After we got home Leighton was anxious to make her Halloween cards with the googly eyes and glue we had purchased during the week. I made her and Jean Paul 4 cards each to decorate and sat down next to them to help when they needed. Jean Paul was over it within 10 minutes but Leighton spent over an hour decorating and making sure I told her how to spell everyone’s names on the cards. With one card left I said ok who is the last one for ? She looked at me and smiled as she said “Bubba!” Oh that is perfect I told her as I caught myself smiling just as much as her. Perfect idea I said as I explained that we could go back tomorrow and deliver it to the cemetery too.
“Can you just get Heavens address Mommy so I can mail it to Bubba?”
Without having enough time to think of a response I heard myself saying.
“I sure can baby!”
She quickly took out more markers and wrote her name in the return address spot just like I had explained to her a few weeks ago. And then she sat there ready and waiting as she looked at me and said,
“How do you spell Heaven?”
I may of cried myself to sleep last night but I found my smile many times today.
Oh how I wish we truly could mail letters to Heaven, but for now I have a 4 year old little girl who truly believes she can. I will do my part to make her wish come true!
It was all I needed today to make me feel
I am doing ok,
and
I am going to be ok!
One day at a time!
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