Labor Day

I can bet my kids had an amazing Labor Day today!  It wasn’t just because school was closed either!!!!!  The main reason is because they got to spend the whole day with Maw Maw & Pepa.  And don’t be fooled... spoiling them rotten wasn’t any kind of hard labor.  In fact spending precious time with their grandchildren was a LABOR OF LOVE!!!!!!

7 Years Ago Today I Buried My Son

7 years ago today I buried my son.
7 years ago today I was a newly grieving Mother.
7 years ago today I saw the tiniest coffin in front of me knowing my sweet boys body was inside.
7 years ago today I was forced to admit you weren’t coming back.
7 years ago today I buried my son.
7 years ago today I buried my son.
7 years ago today I buried my son.
( no matter how many times I say it somehow it still doesn’t seem real even 7 years later )


This is for any Mother that is where I was 7 years ago: 

To The Newly Grieving Mother,

I know.  

I know how it feels to have your heart feel both heavy and empty..  

I know how it feels for your arms to ache from the emptiness of what you should be holding.

I know that your life will never be the same.  And how you will beg God for just one day to go back to the way things were so you can rest. 

I know how it feels to wonder if life is still worth living because you now question everything.  

I know the hard realization that stabs you in the heart , the moment you wake up.  The one that reminds you “Your baby is gone.”

I know how it feels to be surrounded by people you don’t want to see because the one person that matters most can’t be here.

I know the guilt you feel.  You’ve done nothing wrong, but the guilt has a way of invading your mind and trying to convince you otherwise.  

I know that the sight of other people being happy with their children makes you wants to scream and throw things.  

I know how it feels to look in the mirror and not even recognize the person staring back at you.  That woman looks broken now.

I know the feeling of seeing your dreams crumble and knowing you will never be able to put the pieces back together in the same way.  For your pieces are different now.

I know that you love your baby with every ounce of your being and I know that love will never go away.  

I know that you’re more than exhausted.  You always will be because grief is exhausting.

I know that words will do nothing to change what happened.  But, I also know that words have power and they can provide comfort.

I know that you don’t want to admit you relate to all of these points because that reminds you that your a grieving mother just like me.  

Finally, I know that you are loved and that you are never alone in this.

‘Twas The Night Before Kindergarten

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE KINDERGARTEN 

SHE WAS TUCKED IN HER BED

KISSES WERE GIVEN

AND PRAYERS WERE SAID

LUNCHES ARE PACKED

BOOKSACK IS READY TO GO

SEEMS LIKE SHE WAS BORN YESTERDAY

OH HOW FAST THEY GROW

NEW TEACHER, NEW FRIENDS

AND A BRAND NEW CLASS AT SCHOOL

I AM SURE SHE WILL THINK

KINDERGARTEN IS COOL

AS I DROP YOU OFF TOMORROW 

TO A NEW WOELD OF FUN

GET EXCITED LEIGHTON ROSE...

A NEW CHAPTER HAS BEGUN!!!!

Happy Birthday My Sweet Boy

7 years ago my life would forever be changed!

There were so many worries and heartaches during my pregnancy that I thought rocked my world... but nothing could prepare me for the day you were born.  It was by far the greatest day and the hardest day of my life.  August 17, 2012 would forever be the day that divided the life I knew before my heart broke and the life I would try and survive after the day you were born.  If I were ever asked if I could erase those 9 months I would look you right in the eye and tell you “Not no but hell no.”  In fact I would do it all again for the one day I had you in my arms!!!!  I can not lie and tell you it has been easy these past 7 years.  The hardest part for me has had to be the “what if’s.”  I stay awake at night going over and over the what if’s and what could of beens.  I know it isn’t healthy but it’s something I feel every grieving mother does.  So this year as I sit here in tears trying to still understand why or how this really happened I started to think if you; Braxton Michael knew some of the things Mommy wonders about

.

Do you know:

 Your sister  told me about how she

  met you in heaven before she came here,  

  and shared how you handpicked her to be

  your sister.

 That I still cry every single night when 

  everyone else is fast asleep.

 The blanket your Maw Maw made you 

  and I wrapped you in the entire time I held you in the hospital still is with me every time I a lay my head down in bed.

 I can’t smell the pink Johnson and Johnson without being brought back to the day you were born.

 I doubt myself as a mother over and over again because I couldn’t save you even though I know it’s the farthest thing from the truth.

 Every single time my heart feels like it can’t go another day without you being here that I get a sign from you pushing me to not give up.

That every singe birthday that passes scares me more and more because a part of me is afraid that you are slipping father and farther away.  

Every single morning as soon as my eyes open I feel a sudden wave of panic and want to look for you; only to have to remind myself that this is really my life and you are truly gone.

Your little brother asks me to bring him to visit you multiple times a week because he says he loves you so much. 

That I begged and pleaded with God to prove the Drs wrong and show them faith is more powerful than medicine sometimes.

That even though you aren’t here with us physically you are in our lives every single day because we choose to include you forever.

That your story would help others in so many ways for years and years.

We are one in 4 families documented in the entire world to have a baby with your diagnosis; but somehow to me it doesn’t feel that rare because you were mine.  You felt like you were always meant to be mine no matter what genetics showed

On the days I feel not worthy your Mommy tells herself you were smart to leave.

Every single time one of your siblings has “a first” I feel like I should know what I’m doing because I should of had “that first” with you.  

I can’t hear your name without my heart bursting with pride.  

The list could go on and on for  days, but today as I drowned myself in sorrow I  decided to say out loud for the first time ever the thing I do know!!

I do know:

That you Braxton Michael were meant to be my son.  You not only chose me but 

somehow a long long time ago I chose you as well.  

I do know:

That you knew your life would pave the way for your sister and brother to be blessed with healthy lives and knowledge of the disease they genetically could pass on.

I do know:

That you already knew faith would prove science wrong way before you even were here.  And that your Dr would look at me with tear filled eyes as he described your birthday.  And as he spoke of you he shared how he had never seen love like he saw in that delivery room that day.  And as he held my hand he told me he for the first time saw a Mother’s love give a child something no amount of medicine could give.

I do know:

That you are with us every single day and watch over your siblings more than any guardian angel we have ever dreamed of.

I do know:

That when I cry myself to sleep each night you want me to feel you by my side saying “Mommy it’s ok!”

I do know:

That you know Mommy would of done anything in order to save you, but that your story was already written for greater things.

And lastly I do know that you; Braxton Michael, are the reason I try every single day to look for the light in things.  You are the reason I don’t give up.  And you are the reason I believe in Heaven.  Because son, one day I will be with you again and I pray you run to me and tell me how proud you are of me for believing that day would come.

Happy birthday My Sweet Boy!

Mother’s Day Minus One

A huge part of me used to try and bottle up my feelings in order to make sure I didn't inconvenience anyone or so that I didn't slightly make others uncomfortable.  It has been a part of my nature for as long as I can remember.  I can also remember my Mom telling me "Just you wait, you will see the Momma Bear come out when you have kids one day!"  Ok actually her words may of been more like this "You will see your I don't give a shit what others think of me shell crack when you have to defend your kids one day!" lol!!!!! And boy was she right.  As I sit here on Mother's Day Night thinking of my perfect day, I can't help but be reminded of what was missing.  Yep my Mother's Day will always be forever minus one.  One special little boy that should be here; because, this should be my 7th Mother's Day with him now.  Instead it is now the 7th Mother's Day I have had without him.  So I am not sorry if this makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy, because today is an extremely hard day for me.  You may not know exactly what words to say to me or any bereaved Mother on Mother's Day; although, with all honesty today doesn't hurt anymore than every other day we have to survive.  You see today is the day that is highlighted and emphasized; yet,
- every single morning we barely accomplish getting our two feet on the ground as we force ourselves out of bed
- then as we groom ourselves like every other woman we apply a little extra makeup under our eyes to hide the dark bags that are still left from the tears we cried alone in the dark as our loved ones slept
- we robotically go though the morning routine with just enough perfectionism to hide any inkling of something being wrong
- next our attitude shockingly keeps others in a good mood all day long, even though it is something that is more exhausting to maintain than anyone can imagine ( crazy thing is that it is not at all fake, but for some reason it is more painful than we can describe )
- normal times of the day such as lunch and snack time are nothing normal for us, as it is merely just a time of day now; such as, noon is now lunch time because someone says it is and not because we are hungry or feel anything telling our bodies to react
- the drive home can usually end up with us arriving home in complete silence before we notice the radio was never on; yet, instead we drove home with our hands at 10 and 2 like we have been taught to do without a single bit of back ground noise on the entire way
- night conversation for dinner or kid bath time can seem happy and engaging, but strangely enough painful inside
- the end of the day can either end up in a knock down dramatized argument or complete silence all because we would rather let our anger out this way than begin to admit it is because we are aching inside
- as sad as it sounds every night is clock work repetitive with our bodies curled up in a ball as we cry either silently or hushed as our loved ones sleep and we dare not wake them or let them know we are still hurting another night
- and if we are lucky enough to sleep decently through the night we wake and begin the cycle another day...
the cycle of surviving without them.

So I am sorry if this offends you, me saying today was great but something was missing.  But the truth is every day I live with a minus one.  Every single day he is not here is painful, but it is another day closer to seeing him again.  I will survive multiple Mother's Days minus Braxton; yet, the truth is he is the whole reason I am a Mother.  All of the steps I have laid out above are true day in and day out.  Some days some of the steps are easier and some days one or two of them can drag out and tend to be harder than I can describe.  No matter how hard they may be I still choose to survive.  I am blessed and I am here.  It may not seem like much to some but knowing I will see him again is my whole reason for living.  My precious children deserve a Mother that is present more than out to lunch as I call it lol.  And yes I am human and have to remind myself of that ALOT, but I hope I am doing this Mom thing right, because I am giving it all I have.  So today I do wish women everywhere Happy Mother's Day, but I truthfully can't direct it to the ones we see in the drop off school line or the typical soccer and dance moms.  I have to direct it to the Moms who are just trying!!!!!  So many of us are trying to start our dream family, trying to keep our shit together, trying to understand why our bodies aren't just getting pregnant like others, trying to smile through fertility or failed pregnancy tests, trying to figure out why dance class is at 4:30 PM instead of a normal after work time, trying to pretend all our socks match, trying to act like our kids eat vegetables multiple times a week and yes just trying to survive.
To every single woman that even wants to be a Mom one day HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, because no matter who you are or where you are in life I promise you...
You are loved and you have mothered someone at sometime!!!!!

No Time Is My Time

I can remember when my babies were newborns and I was scared to leave them alone just to run and shower.  If I couldn’t strategically get them fed or sleepy then sadly enough sometimes I bypassed a shower... yep it’s gross, but I am 100% guilty of it lol.  Then I learned what rockers or bassinets could fit right by the shower in my bathroom for me to be blessed with shower time.  The shower still was never long enough or even truly my time; because the whole time I was opening the door constantly to check on them.  Seriously why do we make ourselves crazy like this lol.  Now mine are toddlers and guess what?  I still don’t get shower time to myself.  Yes I can lock them out; but then I hear banging on the door, my name being screamed over and over asking why the door is locked and then finally tiny fingers reaching underneath the door combined with the screaming I mentioned earlier.  For now they have decided to just follow me in the bathroom with the infamous “Mommy why you taking a bath or shower?”  And Jean Paul has taken it to a whole new level of just pulling up his step stool and talking the whole way through MY shower time lol.  So after the 500th time he asked me Why I was taking a bath?  I told him “I guess because I stink!!!!”  Next thing I knew he was marching around saying:

Mommy stinks

Mommy stinks

Mommy stinks 

Well I guess I set him up for that one lol!  But no matter how crazy it sounds that I still can’t seem to find 10-15 minutes to myself to shower, I can’t help but be thankful for the chaos.  Not to long ago I was begging God for all this craziness and chaos.  So when it gets a little stressful I try and remember the prayers I prayed and the tears I cried pleading for little ones under my feet all day.  So I guess the stools will stay in the bathroom for the time being and be treated as general admission seats to my kids, but at the end of the day I’m still the one with the best seat in the house...

And that is being their Mommy!!!!

We Are Wishbone Day

We Are Wishbone Day

We Will Raise Awareness

We Can Make A Difference 

May 6, 2019

 Wishbone Day 

International Osteogenesis Imperfecta (OI) Awareness Day

My sweet babies wore their yellow today to support all families affected with OI and to show how proud we are as a family to be a part of the OI community.  It is not something we could of ever imagined signing up for, but it is now something we will never stop fighting to find a cure for!!!

The yellow they wear is in honor of  their brother; Braxton, and it symbolizes optimism and carries a promise for a positive future!!!

OI believe in Wishbone Day because I will make a difference! 

Our First Specialist Appointment...

Friday, March 30th 2012..... WOW that was an incredibly hard day.  Although so much feels unreal about that day, there is so much pain that can still be felt from it.  That day is the day my whole world started to crumble.  And still to this day out of all of our appointments (and believe me we had many) while pregnant with Braxton, this one is the one that I can say blindsided me the most.  There are times in my life that I have been caught of guard or even completely had something unexpected happen, but this appointment was like someone punched me and took all of the oxygen out of my body.  This day took a piece of me that I have never been able to replace.  It took the naïve thought "all good things happen to those who wait" out of my world.  And yes I still believe that all good things do happen to those who wait very strongly, but now I have a big piece of worry that goes along with it.  Well actually a huge piece of worry that is with me day in and day out now with everything.  You hear so many stories of families that have endured so much, but you never in a million years think you will be one of them. 

"Your son may have one of two bone diseases"  I heard the specialist say.  As I laid on the ultrasound table sobbing and unable to form any words Brent began to speak for both us as he gripped my hand even tighter.  "So which of the two should we pray for, which is the best outcome for our son?"  Through all of the scanning up until this point he had been sitting on the side of me watching the screen intently.  Now as he began to ask the question that would determine Braxton's future he was standing and I could tell he was in major defense mode.  Almost as if to tell the Dr not to let anything bad exit your mouth, enough was enough it was time to tell us something good.  "BOTH ARE LETHAL DISEASES" the Dr said.  And I have said many times that I have almost blacked out in appointments, barely remembering much.... But I do remember that word.  There is no forgetting that word when it comes to your child.  But even though I heard it I still could not get my mouth to form words and ask the questions that needed to be asked.  Next, I heard Brent begin to speak again but this time he did not have the sternness in his voice that I am so used to.  This time it was shaky and confused as he said "LETHAL?"  His tone had a loudness to it and I could tell it was because he was trying to get the word out without crying.  As I looked up at him from the table I was laying on I began to cry harder as I watched him fall apart.  He began crying harder and harder and shaking his head back and forth, in a way that I knew meant he was not wanting to believe what he was hearing.  "What does that mean" he asked looking down at the floor unable to look the Dr in the eyes.  I know now he knew exactly what that word meant, but he needed it to be said outloud so he would never question it.  Me on the other hand heard it and would never accept it no matter if it was said outloud or not.  Brent's next words were merely "No, No, No".  As the Dr tried to explain the definition of LETHAL I think we both tuned her out.  We didn't want to hear anything she was saying.  Brent looked around the room and became even angrier when he was unable to find Kleenex for either of us as we sat there in our own pool of tears.  "Seriously how can a place that tells parents their child is going to die not have any freaking Kleenex", I heard him semi yell??  I couldn't fuss at him for the rudeness because he was right.  And although he was madder than I have ever seen him I knew it was because he was hurting more than anything.  The Dr left the room and we just sat there in each others arms crying and trying to make sense of what had just been said to us.  The room still dark from the Ultrasound procedure felt cold and empty, almost as equally to how completely helpless I felt.  It seemed like we could of sat there for hours because we physically could not move.  In some way once we got up and left that room it meant even though we didn't want to except the truth we were going to be forced too.  And we simply were not ready for that.  Finally the nurse came back into our room and told us we would have a follow up appointment that would be scheduled once the Dr was able to contact another Dr to view our scans and verify her findings.  The trouble was the diagnosis she was leaning towards; Osteogenesis Imperfecta Type 2, was so extremely rare that she only knew of a Dr in Nova Scotia that may have seen it, which meant to be able to reach him would be difficult due to the time difference.  As we were exited out of the back door I remember having to tell myself to put one foot in front of the other as I held my abdomen in a way that made me feel like Braxton could feel my love for him.

As Brent loaded me into the car we started to drive home.  Who do we call first, what do we tell them?  All of our close friends and family were waiting on an update from us, but none of them were prepared for what we had learned today.  Next I heard my Mom say, "What, wait Sarah I can't understand you baby.  Why are you crying so hard?"  She has always been my go to, my friend, my safe place and I could not find the words to tell her the sweet baby boy who was supposed to make her a Grandmother was not going to be okay.  Brent took the phone from me and all I heard was "No Mam it is not good."  Then I heard him trying to find the words himself.  Apparently my Mom was unable to control her tears as well and had handed the phone to my brother and Brent simply told him "Just get to the house now!"

I honestly can not explain what I was thinking or feeling in this moment.  Mostly because it truly felt like a bad dream that I just needed to wake up from.  I do know when my parents and my brother arrived , but when they did I was sitting in Braxton's room with one of the few items he had been given, due to the fact that we had only learned he was a boy yesterday.  It was the tiniest white 2 piece set that said Mommy Loves Me in grey.  As I sat in a ball I clinged to the outfit tighter than I think I have ever held anything in my life.  All I could do was rock back and forth as my tears poured onto the outfit that my son was supposed to wear in a few months.  The one that he may never get the chance to wear if this day was actually true.  For the next few hours after Brent's parents arrived we all just sat together and cried.  At some point I needed fresh air and we all made our way to the back yard.  And this photo was taken.  As I posted in my very first post on this blog.... This was our spot!   This backyard has seen, heard and been with me through it all.  It gives me so much peace and happiness knowing now my other two precious miracles can be seen playing in it, but it also is a place where Braxton was present at one time too.  I truly believe when we are back there 3 babies are present now.

My brother took the initiative to inform our close friends for us so we would not have to keep retelling our update over and over.   I have since learned that most of our friends and family he called were also having a hard time understanding him because he was crying so hard as well.  My heart still breaks to think I put him in that much pain in a way that was unintentional even though it was out of my control.  Our friends one by one showed up at our house and sat with us all evening.  The love and support was amazing.  All we could do was explain that we did not truly understand what was going on, but that the Dr was adamant that our son would not survive.  So the waiting game began and it would prove to be the hardest thing any of us had ever endured.  I still do not know how we were able to survive these days.  The only thing I do know for certain is we could of never done any of it alone.  We are forever grateful for our friends and family.  Every single day we received calls, texts, emails and prayers to remind us we were not in this by ourselves, and more importantly that Braxton was loved very much.

This beautiful arrangement was sent to me the day after our first specialist appointment from my amazing group of highschool  girlfriends, whom mean the world to me!  The card read:

This arrangement was chosen especially for you guys from the "Mob Squad."  We collectively chose the Gladiolus flower representing strength.  This amazing flower got its meaning from the Latin word "gladius" that means sword, representing the strong and resilient Roman "gladiators."  In congruence with the belief of "strength in numbers" you guys can always count on all of us for support & strength in every step of this journey.  Take comfort in knowing we are here with you the entire way.  We love ya'll so very much.

Love,

The Mob Squad

 We promised ourselves and Braxton we would never give up on him.  We would take it one day at a time and fight with everything we had in us.  The next week we received tons of phone calls informing us that there was no more further information they could find yet, but when they did we would be asked to come in for an amniocentesis.  We prayed that would answer all of our questions.  The uncertainty was a very lonely and scary place.  A place I do not wish on anyone.  I began to view everything so differently.  In the moments I was not mad I started to take in all the little things that before I had never truly paid attention to.  So many things did not matter anymore.  All that mattered was my son and protecting him.  Plans, schedules, normal daily stresses were nothing.  My cousin began traveling to my house weekly at this point to be with me.  Her and her kids were the happy in my day when they would visit.  I recall the ducks in our neighborhood visiting often and when their small babies were born I remember thinking it was a sign.  Some sort of message to me that I was and always would be Braxton's Mother no matter what happened.  My brother's birthday and Easter were coming up and the thought of trying to smile and continue on was painful.  But life was still going on around us and I had to realize that was never going to stop.   Brent & I were still determined that we were going to make each day special with Braxton while he was in my womb.  We were

 going to treat it as he was here and make memories regardless.  I vowed I would not look back and regret not sharing anything and everything with him.  And that is where our journey "Waiting On Braxton" began to take on tons of peace even on the hard days.  Our story may have to be different in the end ,but it was going to be a wonderful story no matter what.

Prayer During Pregnancy

Help me, Lord, to enter the mystery unfolding deep within my womb. 

 Allow me to accept this gift with wonder and excitement. 

Permit me to cherish the life I carry. 

I freely offer my body, mind, and spirit as my unique gift to this child.

Lord, I know you are present, taking care of me and my child. 

Help me to experience your presence and know your loving care. 

Increase my faith and trust in you.

Amen

Trying To Feel Normal

That night after our 20 week ultrasound we decided to still have our gender reveal; which I somewhat remember.  I can remember trying to smile and also trying not to show how scared I was.  All I knew was that I was finally getting to be a Mother.  Something I have wanted from as far back as I can remember.  It was who I was supposed to be and all I ever wanted in life.  And for now I felt like all the trying, all of the waiting and the joy of being pregnant may be taken away from me.  Brent and I had experienced a very hard time in our marriage leading up to our pregnancy.  To the point of us practically separating because we did not know if we were meant to be.  After many tears and painful words exchanged to each other we decided to give ourselves one more chance.  Not long after that we became pregnant with Braxton.  So in that moment all I wanted was to soak up every ounce of normalcy I had left before our specialist appointment.  Some where deep inside I knew this was not normal at all, but it was all I had.  So with tears rolling down my face I watched blue balloons rise up from the box that my Mom had gotten done for our gender reveal.  And with all honesty I can tell you those tears were real, they were real joy in learning I was carrying a son.  No matter how much fear I had that entire day in that moment I did not need to try and feel normal, because I felt exactly like I had ever imagined I would feel when I learned the gender of my first born child.  REAL, I felt like a real Mother just as I had always dreamed I would.  That feeling was beyond special and can never be taken from me, regardless of anything any Dr would ever tell me about my son.  It sank in then... I was having a boy!  A boy that needed me to fight for him with so much faith, hope and love that I never even knew existed before this moment.

Later after everyone left my phone rang.  It my OB Dr. Bourque. He very calmly began to tell me that once we left his office he looked at our scans again.  He explained that he truly thought the ultrasound showed evidence of Braxton being a little person/Dwarf.  I will never forget what came out of Brent's mouth next.  "Oh that's fine Dr Bourque that is fine."  While I watched him slowly tear up and grab my hand and squeeze it as to say, It's OK it's going to be OK.  This moved me more than I think he will ever know or more than I have ever admitted to him.  I know in my heart Brent is a kind and gentle person, but he is also quiet, timid and rough around the edges.  And with that being said he is also a man, a man who has always wanted a son to play sports like he did and to go fishing with in the weekends.  So to hear him verbally state he was OK with our baby having any sort of handicap as long as he could live and function (even if it was in his own way with mind and body) was so comforting.  In that moment he became a Father, and it was the start of him understanding that the little things we always wanted were not as important as the big picture.  We were united for once in our marriage and it felt good to feel like a team.  This would be the first of many times my husband surprised me with the words he spoke on Braxton's and my behalf along our journey!  A journey that was ours and we were excepting as God's plan.

Looking back at that night I truly do not know if either of us slept as we prepared for our specialist visit the next day.  I wanted more than ever for today to just be a nightmare that we would wake up from when the specialist would clear everything all up.  Even though I prayed for answers that night, the things we were about to be told were by far the farthest from what we wanted to hear.  But from that night forward the WAITING began and none of us knew the journey we were about to begin, the journey that would change our lives forever!  
This would be Our Story!

If I told you my story

You would hear hope that wouldn't let go

If I told you my story

You would hear love that never gave up

If I told you my story

You would hear life but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

To tell you my story is to tell of Him

If I told you my story

You would hear victory over the enemy

If told you my story

You would hear freedom that was won for me

If I told you my story

You would hear life overcome the grave

If I should speak then let it be

This is my story this is my song praising my Savior all the day long