- 20 weeks pregnant
- half way there
- boy or girl?
- how much bigger will I get?
- should we cook étouffée or order pizza tonight
for the gender reveal party?
These were some of the thoughts racing through my head as Brent and I sat in the waiting room waiting for our 20 week ultrasound. Now looking back, how naive was I. The tech took us back and began the ultrasound. Ahhhhh I hear the heart ✅ five fingers five toes ✅ diaphragm moving up and down ✅ kidneys ✅ stomach has fluid in it ✅ measurements......... Silence. This is where our easy/normal pregnancy became something more than we could over ever imagined!!!!
The tech quickly exited the room and went to get my Dr. I vividly remember looking over at my husband and saying "something is wrong." He quickly told me I worry to much and she was probably just finished with her part of the scan and it's time for the Dr to come in. Wanting to scream at him that he was wrong I just sat there and told myself to calm down. I remember my Dr coming in and viewing the screen and taking a few measurements then calmly telling me a few things were concerning??? And then the numbness set in.
I don't recall much after that. Next thing that I truly remember is sitting in my car. Brent had walked me to it and made sure I was ok and hurried to work to inform them that he would need a couple days off for us to see specialists and see what was what. I just sat there numb. Who do I call, where do I go, how am I supposed to just wait around and I don't even know what's going on??????
Next thing I heard was my Moms voice. "Daddy is on his way." My dad pulled up and immediately was in my car and I lost it and was sobbing in his arms. I couldn't hold it in anymore. The questions were flying and I didn't know what to tell him because I didn't even understand what was going on. I recalled them saying his legs and spine weren't measuring correctly but that's all I could remember. The numbness somehow how had taken over and I couldn't focus enough to pay attention to what the Dr had told me. At that moment my phone rings and I couldn't even move to answer it. My dad answered it and this is what I heard. "Hello, this is her Father. TWO WEEKS? No that is not acceptable we need to see the specialist today or tomorrow. We will not put my daughter through 2 weeks of worry." As he hung up he said you have an appointment tomorrow morning and then you will have answers!
Well I truly believed that. But little did I know we may not ever get the answers we were hoping for, that we needed or that we wanted! The numbness I felt that day still hits me at times. I can be going about my life, raising the 2 healthy babies I've had since Braxton and it just hits me. I'm motionless and numb. I have to remind myself that this is my life. Because from 20 weeks pregnant till after my sweet baby went to heaven is a blur. How did I function in that time? How did I survive? How did I make it through? I still don't know the answers to those questions. The only thing that I can say is my undying faith, my undying hope and my undying love for my child and in God is what got me through.
So for me when I see this picture all I can remember the numbness that set in and that is still present even today
When someone tells you that numbness is a feeling please believe them because it is real. I now believe it was my breaking heart telling my body to go numb in order for me not to completely go crazy. The blank stare I had from then on was not because I didn't care... It was because I cared so much but was Numb 😥
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