Labor Day

I can bet my kids had an amazing Labor Day today!  It wasn’t just because school was closed either!!!!!  The main reason is because they got to spend the whole day with Maw Maw & Pepa.  And don’t be fooled... spoiling them rotten wasn’t any kind of hard labor.  In fact spending precious time with their grandchildren was a LABOR OF LOVE!!!!!!

7 Years Ago Today I Buried My Son

7 years ago today I buried my son.
7 years ago today I was a newly grieving Mother.
7 years ago today I saw the tiniest coffin in front of me knowing my sweet boys body was inside.
7 years ago today I was forced to admit you weren’t coming back.
7 years ago today I buried my son.
7 years ago today I buried my son.
7 years ago today I buried my son.
( no matter how many times I say it somehow it still doesn’t seem real even 7 years later )


This is for any Mother that is where I was 7 years ago: 

To The Newly Grieving Mother,

I know.  

I know how it feels to have your heart feel both heavy and empty..  

I know how it feels for your arms to ache from the emptiness of what you should be holding.

I know that your life will never be the same.  And how you will beg God for just one day to go back to the way things were so you can rest. 

I know how it feels to wonder if life is still worth living because you now question everything.  

I know the hard realization that stabs you in the heart , the moment you wake up.  The one that reminds you “Your baby is gone.”

I know how it feels to be surrounded by people you don’t want to see because the one person that matters most can’t be here.

I know the guilt you feel.  You’ve done nothing wrong, but the guilt has a way of invading your mind and trying to convince you otherwise.  

I know that the sight of other people being happy with their children makes you wants to scream and throw things.  

I know how it feels to look in the mirror and not even recognize the person staring back at you.  That woman looks broken now.

I know the feeling of seeing your dreams crumble and knowing you will never be able to put the pieces back together in the same way.  For your pieces are different now.

I know that you love your baby with every ounce of your being and I know that love will never go away.  

I know that you’re more than exhausted.  You always will be because grief is exhausting.

I know that words will do nothing to change what happened.  But, I also know that words have power and they can provide comfort.

I know that you don’t want to admit you relate to all of these points because that reminds you that your a grieving mother just like me.  

Finally, I know that you are loved and that you are never alone in this.

‘Twas The Night Before Kindergarten

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE KINDERGARTEN 

SHE WAS TUCKED IN HER BED

KISSES WERE GIVEN

AND PRAYERS WERE SAID

LUNCHES ARE PACKED

BOOKSACK IS READY TO GO

SEEMS LIKE SHE WAS BORN YESTERDAY

OH HOW FAST THEY GROW

NEW TEACHER, NEW FRIENDS

AND A BRAND NEW CLASS AT SCHOOL

I AM SURE SHE WILL THINK

KINDERGARTEN IS COOL

AS I DROP YOU OFF TOMORROW 

TO A NEW WOELD OF FUN

GET EXCITED LEIGHTON ROSE...

A NEW CHAPTER HAS BEGUN!!!!

Happy Birthday My Sweet Boy

7 years ago my life would forever be changed!

There were so many worries and heartaches during my pregnancy that I thought rocked my world... but nothing could prepare me for the day you were born.  It was by far the greatest day and the hardest day of my life.  August 17, 2012 would forever be the day that divided the life I knew before my heart broke and the life I would try and survive after the day you were born.  If I were ever asked if I could erase those 9 months I would look you right in the eye and tell you “Not no but hell no.”  In fact I would do it all again for the one day I had you in my arms!!!!  I can not lie and tell you it has been easy these past 7 years.  The hardest part for me has had to be the “what if’s.”  I stay awake at night going over and over the what if’s and what could of beens.  I know it isn’t healthy but it’s something I feel every grieving mother does.  So this year as I sit here in tears trying to still understand why or how this really happened I started to think if you; Braxton Michael knew some of the things Mommy wonders about

.

Do you know:

 Your sister  told me about how she

  met you in heaven before she came here,  

  and shared how you handpicked her to be

  your sister.

 That I still cry every single night when 

  everyone else is fast asleep.

 The blanket your Maw Maw made you 

  and I wrapped you in the entire time I held you in the hospital still is with me every time I a lay my head down in bed.

 I can’t smell the pink Johnson and Johnson without being brought back to the day you were born.

 I doubt myself as a mother over and over again because I couldn’t save you even though I know it’s the farthest thing from the truth.

 Every single time my heart feels like it can’t go another day without you being here that I get a sign from you pushing me to not give up.

That every singe birthday that passes scares me more and more because a part of me is afraid that you are slipping father and farther away.  

Every single morning as soon as my eyes open I feel a sudden wave of panic and want to look for you; only to have to remind myself that this is really my life and you are truly gone.

Your little brother asks me to bring him to visit you multiple times a week because he says he loves you so much. 

That I begged and pleaded with God to prove the Drs wrong and show them faith is more powerful than medicine sometimes.

That even though you aren’t here with us physically you are in our lives every single day because we choose to include you forever.

That your story would help others in so many ways for years and years.

We are one in 4 families documented in the entire world to have a baby with your diagnosis; but somehow to me it doesn’t feel that rare because you were mine.  You felt like you were always meant to be mine no matter what genetics showed

On the days I feel not worthy your Mommy tells herself you were smart to leave.

Every single time one of your siblings has “a first” I feel like I should know what I’m doing because I should of had “that first” with you.  

I can’t hear your name without my heart bursting with pride.  

The list could go on and on for  days, but today as I drowned myself in sorrow I  decided to say out loud for the first time ever the thing I do know!!

I do know:

That you Braxton Michael were meant to be my son.  You not only chose me but 

somehow a long long time ago I chose you as well.  

I do know:

That you knew your life would pave the way for your sister and brother to be blessed with healthy lives and knowledge of the disease they genetically could pass on.

I do know:

That you already knew faith would prove science wrong way before you even were here.  And that your Dr would look at me with tear filled eyes as he described your birthday.  And as he spoke of you he shared how he had never seen love like he saw in that delivery room that day.  And as he held my hand he told me he for the first time saw a Mother’s love give a child something no amount of medicine could give.

I do know:

That you are with us every single day and watch over your siblings more than any guardian angel we have ever dreamed of.

I do know:

That when I cry myself to sleep each night you want me to feel you by my side saying “Mommy it’s ok!”

I do know:

That you know Mommy would of done anything in order to save you, but that your story was already written for greater things.

And lastly I do know that you; Braxton Michael, are the reason I try every single day to look for the light in things.  You are the reason I don’t give up.  And you are the reason I believe in Heaven.  Because son, one day I will be with you again and I pray you run to me and tell me how proud you are of me for believing that day would come.

Happy birthday My Sweet Boy!

Mother’s Day Minus One

A huge part of me used to try and bottle up my feelings in order to make sure I didn't inconvenience anyone or so that I didn't slightly make others uncomfortable.  It has been a part of my nature for as long as I can remember.  I can also remember my Mom telling me "Just you wait, you will see the Momma Bear come out when you have kids one day!"  Ok actually her words may of been more like this "You will see your I don't give a shit what others think of me shell crack when you have to defend your kids one day!" lol!!!!! And boy was she right.  As I sit here on Mother's Day Night thinking of my perfect day, I can't help but be reminded of what was missing.  Yep my Mother's Day will always be forever minus one.  One special little boy that should be here; because, this should be my 7th Mother's Day with him now.  Instead it is now the 7th Mother's Day I have had without him.  So I am not sorry if this makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy, because today is an extremely hard day for me.  You may not know exactly what words to say to me or any bereaved Mother on Mother's Day; although, with all honesty today doesn't hurt anymore than every other day we have to survive.  You see today is the day that is highlighted and emphasized; yet,
- every single morning we barely accomplish getting our two feet on the ground as we force ourselves out of bed
- then as we groom ourselves like every other woman we apply a little extra makeup under our eyes to hide the dark bags that are still left from the tears we cried alone in the dark as our loved ones slept
- we robotically go though the morning routine with just enough perfectionism to hide any inkling of something being wrong
- next our attitude shockingly keeps others in a good mood all day long, even though it is something that is more exhausting to maintain than anyone can imagine ( crazy thing is that it is not at all fake, but for some reason it is more painful than we can describe )
- normal times of the day such as lunch and snack time are nothing normal for us, as it is merely just a time of day now; such as, noon is now lunch time because someone says it is and not because we are hungry or feel anything telling our bodies to react
- the drive home can usually end up with us arriving home in complete silence before we notice the radio was never on; yet, instead we drove home with our hands at 10 and 2 like we have been taught to do without a single bit of back ground noise on the entire way
- night conversation for dinner or kid bath time can seem happy and engaging, but strangely enough painful inside
- the end of the day can either end up in a knock down dramatized argument or complete silence all because we would rather let our anger out this way than begin to admit it is because we are aching inside
- as sad as it sounds every night is clock work repetitive with our bodies curled up in a ball as we cry either silently or hushed as our loved ones sleep and we dare not wake them or let them know we are still hurting another night
- and if we are lucky enough to sleep decently through the night we wake and begin the cycle another day...
the cycle of surviving without them.

So I am sorry if this offends you, me saying today was great but something was missing.  But the truth is every day I live with a minus one.  Every single day he is not here is painful, but it is another day closer to seeing him again.  I will survive multiple Mother's Days minus Braxton; yet, the truth is he is the whole reason I am a Mother.  All of the steps I have laid out above are true day in and day out.  Some days some of the steps are easier and some days one or two of them can drag out and tend to be harder than I can describe.  No matter how hard they may be I still choose to survive.  I am blessed and I am here.  It may not seem like much to some but knowing I will see him again is my whole reason for living.  My precious children deserve a Mother that is present more than out to lunch as I call it lol.  And yes I am human and have to remind myself of that ALOT, but I hope I am doing this Mom thing right, because I am giving it all I have.  So today I do wish women everywhere Happy Mother's Day, but I truthfully can't direct it to the ones we see in the drop off school line or the typical soccer and dance moms.  I have to direct it to the Moms who are just trying!!!!!  So many of us are trying to start our dream family, trying to keep our shit together, trying to understand why our bodies aren't just getting pregnant like others, trying to smile through fertility or failed pregnancy tests, trying to figure out why dance class is at 4:30 PM instead of a normal after work time, trying to pretend all our socks match, trying to act like our kids eat vegetables multiple times a week and yes just trying to survive.
To every single woman that even wants to be a Mom one day HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, because no matter who you are or where you are in life I promise you...
You are loved and you have mothered someone at sometime!!!!!

No Time Is My Time

I can remember when my babies were newborns and I was scared to leave them alone just to run and shower.  If I couldn’t strategically get them fed or sleepy then sadly enough sometimes I bypassed a shower... yep it’s gross, but I am 100% guilty of it lol.  Then I learned what rockers or bassinets could fit right by the shower in my bathroom for me to be blessed with shower time.  The shower still was never long enough or even truly my time; because the whole time I was opening the door constantly to check on them.  Seriously why do we make ourselves crazy like this lol.  Now mine are toddlers and guess what?  I still don’t get shower time to myself.  Yes I can lock them out; but then I hear banging on the door, my name being screamed over and over asking why the door is locked and then finally tiny fingers reaching underneath the door combined with the screaming I mentioned earlier.  For now they have decided to just follow me in the bathroom with the infamous “Mommy why you taking a bath or shower?”  And Jean Paul has taken it to a whole new level of just pulling up his step stool and talking the whole way through MY shower time lol.  So after the 500th time he asked me Why I was taking a bath?  I told him “I guess because I stink!!!!”  Next thing I knew he was marching around saying:

Mommy stinks

Mommy stinks

Mommy stinks 

Well I guess I set him up for that one lol!  But no matter how crazy it sounds that I still can’t seem to find 10-15 minutes to myself to shower, I can’t help but be thankful for the chaos.  Not to long ago I was begging God for all this craziness and chaos.  So when it gets a little stressful I try and remember the prayers I prayed and the tears I cried pleading for little ones under my feet all day.  So I guess the stools will stay in the bathroom for the time being and be treated as general admission seats to my kids, but at the end of the day I’m still the one with the best seat in the house...

And that is being their Mommy!!!!

We Are Wishbone Day

We Are Wishbone Day

We Will Raise Awareness

We Can Make A Difference 

May 6, 2019

 Wishbone Day 

International Osteogenesis Imperfecta (OI) Awareness Day

My sweet babies wore their yellow today to support all families affected with OI and to show how proud we are as a family to be a part of the OI community.  It is not something we could of ever imagined signing up for, but it is now something we will never stop fighting to find a cure for!!!

The yellow they wear is in honor of  their brother; Braxton, and it symbolizes optimism and carries a promise for a positive future!!!

OI believe in Wishbone Day because I will make a difference!