Happy Birthday My Sweet Boy

I thought of you with love today,

but that is nothing new.

I thought about yesterday,

and days before that too.

I think of you in silence,

I often speak your name.

All I have are memories,

and your pivture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake,

with which I'll never part.

God has you in his keeping....

I have you in my heart!

My sweet boy today was spent with lots of tears and smiles as we celebrated your life today!

You are more than a memory to us and we will always love you more than life itself!!  Mommy was so scared your day would not be the same since I wa sour of town but we have so many wonderful people in our lives that made sure you were taken care of!

Happy 5th birthday Braxton!!

My Fight Song

As a grieving mother you seem to constantly always live on edge a bit.  It's like you are stuck in the middle of is this my real life and don't let yourself get to comfortable Sarah because you know what being blind sided feels like.  It is a hard concept to explain knowing I know exactly what it means to enjoy the little things but then on the flip side I also know what it feels like to have them taken away in the blink of an eye.  Then I constantly find myself bargaining with the devil in my brain telling me I don't deserve this happiness.  I'm pretty sure my OCD/ADD and anxiety prone self does not help in any of this type of situation. I'm behind mentally, physically and emotionally tired in a way I know is not the healthiest route for life.  I pray constantly to be free of the worry that dogs my brain and many days robs the potential happiness I could have with my family.  And I vow hat I will take it back no matter what.  I will be stronger than my demons even if at the end of the day I don't feel I deserve that type of happiness I know damn well my kids do.  They only thing through all of his insanity that he been my go to or my snap out of it technique is something my Paw Paw told me.  To be honest this was something I thought unwound share in the time time frame it happened in my journey.  I thought I would wait till that actually moment in my pregnancy story to share.  But my heart is feeling it today because I have had to use it today so I know it's time.  

While every single appointment wether it was an ultrasound or just an appointment during my pregnancy... It was terrifying.  Brent is an engineer type personality to the core (by day it's his job and by nature it's his thought process.). Cut and dry "it is what it is."  Where as I am someone who is a "maybe things can change" type of person. Yes I am a planner and don't you dare stray from my plan but I am also a strong believer in karma and miracles.  So every single time we would head to a Dr appointment I was down right shocked and even taken a back at how Brent was never expecting there to be a change in our prognosis??????  Never once dos I think he had given up hope but he did believe what the Dr's saw was what was going to happen:  even though they had never seen it and couldn't tell us 100% he was adamant that it was black and white or the writing was on the wall.  Whereas, naive me was like oh well if they have never seen it or can't say for a 100% then maybe they or wrong?  But one by one each appointment started to prove me wrong.  I never got to hear the words "Mrs Bergeron your son has made a turn for the better, Mrs. Bergeron I am sorry we were wrong or Mrs. Bergeron even though we have never seen what we thought was your sons diagnosis we have also never seen the miracle we are witnessing now."  Like a checklist they kept knocking me down.  And even though my faith and hope we're never torn down the way I viewed life was.  My realization of goodness in the world was changed and I hate to say it I saw the evil in this world rest it's head in a way I never thought even existed.  And being the open book person I am I shared that with my family and close friends.  So the routine check ups became my worst nightmares.  No matter if Brent couldn't make one do to work or if my Mom was going to meet me there so unwound never have to be alone... the drive to get there was scary and dark.  And this is where my Paw Paw stepped in.  Let me begin my sharing he is a man that stands first in my line of men I look up to and admire.  Yes I know he has and still will never be perfect but to me he comes damn close, even in his failures he is beyond amazing in my eyes. He also is a gentle soul in a way you do not see men in todays time.

 He is:

A man of his faith, even though he admits his sins

A man who loves with ability that far out measures his hearts capacity.

A man who cries even though most men are ashamed to show tears.

A man who is never afraid to pick his favorites amongst his grandchildren, even though it's probably not right (but knowingly he knows we will all be given our turn).

A man with working hands and goals, even though he knows a woman's true love is a gift at the end of the day .

A man who openly speaks his mind, even though you may not be his friend because of it but you will respect him more for it in the long run.

A man who believes this is a mans world but at the same time he believes more that there is true love and we are each given a chance at it (no matter how long it takes you to find it, it is there for each of us to have.)

And lastly a man who believes with all of his being family comes first NO MATTER WHAT!

So now that you you know that let me share he is known to call and check on me and always has  even before I was pregnant with Braxton.  I have never wanted to admit to him when I was in a bind or needed his help.  To the point he has had to drive it out of me/hound me to ask for help.  In a way it's never been because I didn't want his help it has always been because I didn't want to let him down by admitting I needed help.  To the point of avoiding him in order to hide my failures.  But one day he caught me an he caught me good.  I will never forget I was driving the 45 minute drive from New Iberia to home after a long day of work.  And just as my phone was ringing I had to tell myself I could only avoid him so long before I had to speak to him.  And I knew I had no answers from Dr's to tell him how things were or that they even might be ok.  So as I heard his voice say "My Heart, you there?"  I knew I had to face him.  "Yes Paw Paw I'm here." And then the next part of our conversation was focused on trying to hide how much I was crying on the other side of the line.  But little did I know what  he had to tell me would be not only be something I would carry with me even still today but it would also be something I would share with other grieving mothers who I now call very close friends.  Aa he asked me how things were going and I tried to dance around the true pain and heartache I was feeling he told me this. 

Do not ever let the devil take away your happiness My Heart.  He is not worthy of it and he doesn't deserve it.  But he will take it if you let him.  I want you to promise me any time you feel like he is trying to steal it that you will tell him no.  I told him yes sir and just tried to finish the call because I wanted to cry the ugly cry loud and by myself because I knew I couldn't fix the outcome of my pregnancy or the line of heartache it was causing way past my own.  No Sarah Nicole I mean it, do not ever let him think he can have your happiness.  And when you feel like he is creeping in on it I don't want you to only think it I want you to tell him and I mean tell him at the top of your lungs "Devil you are NOT worthy of my happiness and I will not let you steal it from me."

A simple line like that and from then on out I began to repeat it over and over almost daily.  And I can remember heading to appointments with two hands on the steering wheel gripping it almost to the point of blisters due to the pain I could not express screaming ..... DEVIL BACK AWAY BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT STEAL MY HAPPINESS FROM ME EVEN WHEN I DONT THINK I HAVE ANG I WILL STILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO HAVE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT WORTHY IT. 

I have screamed this louder than I can explain and more times that I can count since the day my Grandfather told me this.  I now call this my "Fight Song".  I pray that every single woman reading this no matter what obstacle they are dealing with knows they are worthy of their own fight song.  Find yours and make it your own.  These words not only mean hope to me but they mean strength in words!!  We are all worth our own happiness from God and there is no reason we should ever allow the devil any reason to believe he can conquer that.  I can remember thinking I never deserved the blessing of being a mother who was allowed to raise her children here on earth.  But with the fight I had in me to make sure that message from the devil was not allowed I am staring at this across from me at the beach today.  They are now the face of my Fight Song and make it all worth the fight.  I will not ever let the devil think for a minute he is stronger than my God, although I may have my days of weakness I promise in the end my God will always rise above him!!!  ALWAYS!!!!!  

So here I stand 5 years later on the night before my sweet boy enter and exited this earthy world.  I still have a lot of sadness, guilt and pain within in me but I also have a huge amount of fight left in me to finish my journey here even if it is without my Braxton. Because I know one day we will be together again.  But until that day I will continue to push the devil out of my mind and allow the happiness I deserve to be first in my life!!!!

This Is Us "Or At Least A Huge Portion"

I personally love the new show This Is Us!  The dynamic of it instantly drew me in.  But when I started to think of Brent and I's story of "This Is Us" a majority of the people in this picture stood out!!!  This is our family outside of our family!  Each of these people have been in my life from the moment I was born.  They loved us and have always been there for us through it all!  And let me tell you even before I existed they were there for my parents through even more!  But they are still here and that's what means so much!  So when we can be together even if it's for an evening it is special.  It is loud, crazy, and full of more laughs than you can imagine!  So many of this Florida family isn't in these pictures because they have jobs and can't always come when we are here and the ones my age have moved away.  But we always find ourselves together at weddings or big events and even the sad gatherings such as funerals too.  All because that's what friends/family do.  To be completely honest we are probably the most dysfunctional family outside of family group you will ever find, but that ok because "This Is Us!"  There will never be another group to replace them in our minds or hearts!  And there will never be enough words to describe what they mean to us, and for that we are forever grateful!!!!

I Believe

I believe that God 

sent you into my life 

to give me something to fight for,

to show me there is love in this world,

to give me hope

and to bring me joy,

all the proof in God I need is in you,

you are my gift from the heavens.

The Littlest Things Can Hit You The Hardest

Today we finally got into our condo for our beach vacation!!!!  We are over the moon excited for 7 days of the sand and ocean!  The kids are what I would call beyond excited and seems like their energy has hit overdrive!  I have to keep reminding myself they are young and just excited because if not I will freak out because my patience can only take so much LOL!  After unloading the car and unpacking we planned to take the kids to at least put their toes in the sand before the sun went down.   Finally it seemed like everything was unpacked and as I was walking Brent and I's room to head to the kitchen to see how I could help in there I placed our beach shoes by the door.  And that's when it hit me!  I couldn't hold back the tears and I felt like I had literally been punched in the stomach.  It was like the air had been knocked out of me and I was sobbing like a big baby.  I went straight back into the bedroom to find something else to do in there so I could buy time to compose myself.  I sat on the floor and just continued to cry.  You see the last time we were here was in 2012.  We came right before I delivered Braxton as a family because I wanted him to hear the waves at least once.  And our amazing friends offered us the condo again while I was on maternity leave after losing Braxton to give us a small escape.  So I haven't been here since and it just seemed like the emotions of being here again took over.  And those shoes placed there by the door ready to slip on to go down to the beach represented my family.  But this time there are two extra pairs right next to Mommy & Daddy's!  It probably sounds so silly but if you only knew how huge this is to me.  Those tiny shoes are for the two precious miracles Braxton sacrificed everything for.  Without him those shoes would not be here.  Because without him we would of never learned of the disease Brent & I carried around  unknowingly that could be passed down to 1 in 4 of any pregnancies we would have.  I was told I may never have those pairs of shoes next to ours and to try and plan for a full life in other aspects other than children.  Those shoes may mean nothing to others when they go on vacation but to me they mean the purpose of all we have been through.   They are worth every tear and every bit of pain I still struggle with, they are my answered prayers!!

Let The Vacation Begin

Well we made it safe and sound!  Let the vacation begin!!! 

 Took our time getting here and: 

- stopped for some lunch

- sang some songs

- watched some movies

- both kiddos took naps along the way

- honked through the Mobile tunnel

- made big trucks honk there loud horns on the interstate

- did some shopping

- Leighton rode a bull

- Jean Paul has snacked the entire time

- headed to a family dinner

- then checking into our first hotel till our condo is ready tomorrow

- anticipating jumping on the hotel beds (cause that's a must)

- and in Leighton's words " waking up to put on our swim soups and never taking them off"

The real party starts when Maw Maw & Pepa get here tomorrow!!!!

Our Pre - Birthday Tradition

Our little family has a tradition we started 5 years ago the day before Braxton's arrival.  When we did it 5 years ago we did not know that it would become our thing until his first birthday.  That's when found ourselves in the exact spot the day before his birthday again and since then we have vowed to do it every year as our tradition.  This year we will be at the beach for his birthday which means we will not be here for our tradition or to visit him on his birthday.  I have had a hard time excepting that I won't be here for all of that but I know in my heart he knows I will be celebrating his day wherever we are.  So amazingly Brent asked if I wanted to take the kids today before we hit the road tomorrow.  My heart skipped a few beats and I was beyond happy that he too still wanted to keep our special outing going.  So that's what we did.  And at the end of the day I realized it's OK that we did it on a different day.  What truly matters is that we still did it, and we did it as a family.  

On August 16, 2012 our entire family was anxious and beyond scared for what was to come the next morning of the 17th "Braxton's Arrival Day."  Our faith was still strong and we continued praying and hoping for a miracle.  Funny thing is.... even when your faith and trust in God is stronger than ever you can still be scared.  And that's exactly what we were.  With the Dr's unsure if they knew exactly what Braxton had or how to tell us what to expect we were down right terrified.  You trust your Dr and you trust medical science, but when you are told if what they believe was taking place with your pregnancy and your son is true then it is something none of them have ever seen before................ you are scared.  So not knowing what to think or what our lives would be like in less than 15 hours Brent told me to get in the truck.  He loaded me in and said we were just going for a ride.  It was probably the only way he knew how to cope was to just get out and to do something.  I mean what do you do with a 40 week pregnant wife who basically knows that her son will be here tomorrow, but he may not be here long.  I was a basket case of course, but I was also in a peaceful place within my own being too.  I knew in my heart that I had used every single second of having Braxton in my womb as time with him.  We did so many things in order to enjoy the moments we did get to have him with us, even if it was why I was still holding him.  But looking back I think Brent started to process all of the things he was not more than likely going to get to experience or share with his son.  And that was painful.  A Dad and a Son should have many special moments throughout the years and it was just hitting him that this may be his last opportunity to do that.  So off we went with no plan and no agenda.  We just drove.  And by the end of our ride these are the things we did and where we went with Braxton in order for Daddy to get those special moments with his boy in case this was his last chance.

1)  We drove all over UL campus as Daddy pointed out all of the important buildings and spots.

2)  We got down at the University Bookstore and bought Braxton an authentic Cajuns souvenir.

3)  We drove to Cajun Field to show him where Daddy had played football in college and where we still loved tailgating for many sports events.

4)  We went through the snowball line right in Poppa's parking lot to get yummy snowballs and show him Mike's Car Care.

5)  And lastly we found ourselves at Girard Park which is back on campus.  There we sat under a tree and ate our snowballs and fed the ducks.

None of that sounds like huge events Right?  But to us they are part of who we are and everything we wished and dreamed we could share with Braxton.  And because of that alone it was perfect.  And each year we do the same thing.  This year after the park I drove past our spots with the kids and had to scream over Jean Paul's crying (because he hates the car) and Leighton's movie she was watching LOL.  One thing we do different is with 2 small children we do not get out at the book store to shop lol.  But Leighton & Jean Paul both do get a UL shirt for the upcoming football season.  And yes my kids have tons of UL attire, but these shirts are picked out by Brent himself!  So this day means so much to me because we are together and remembering him as a family!!!  A part of me has hope and visions of Braxton bragging to his angel friends about our tradition and about how he is proud to be a Ragin Cajun even if its an angel one!