My Fight Song

As a grieving mother you seem to constantly always live on edge a bit.  It's like you are stuck in the middle of is this my real life and don't let yourself get to comfortable Sarah because you know what being blind sided feels like.  It is a hard concept to explain knowing I know exactly what it means to enjoy the little things but then on the flip side I also know what it feels like to have them taken away in the blink of an eye.  Then I constantly find myself bargaining with the devil in my brain telling me I don't deserve this happiness.  I'm pretty sure my OCD/ADD and anxiety prone self does not help in any of this type of situation. I'm behind mentally, physically and emotionally tired in a way I know is not the healthiest route for life.  I pray constantly to be free of the worry that dogs my brain and many days robs the potential happiness I could have with my family.  And I vow hat I will take it back no matter what.  I will be stronger than my demons even if at the end of the day I don't feel I deserve that type of happiness I know damn well my kids do.  They only thing through all of his insanity that he been my go to or my snap out of it technique is something my Paw Paw told me.  To be honest this was something I thought unwound share in the time time frame it happened in my journey.  I thought I would wait till that actually moment in my pregnancy story to share.  But my heart is feeling it today because I have had to use it today so I know it's time.  

While every single appointment wether it was an ultrasound or just an appointment during my pregnancy... It was terrifying.  Brent is an engineer type personality to the core (by day it's his job and by nature it's his thought process.). Cut and dry "it is what it is."  Where as I am someone who is a "maybe things can change" type of person. Yes I am a planner and don't you dare stray from my plan but I am also a strong believer in karma and miracles.  So every single time we would head to a Dr appointment I was down right shocked and even taken a back at how Brent was never expecting there to be a change in our prognosis??????  Never once dos I think he had given up hope but he did believe what the Dr's saw was what was going to happen:  even though they had never seen it and couldn't tell us 100% he was adamant that it was black and white or the writing was on the wall.  Whereas, naive me was like oh well if they have never seen it or can't say for a 100% then maybe they or wrong?  But one by one each appointment started to prove me wrong.  I never got to hear the words "Mrs Bergeron your son has made a turn for the better, Mrs. Bergeron I am sorry we were wrong or Mrs. Bergeron even though we have never seen what we thought was your sons diagnosis we have also never seen the miracle we are witnessing now."  Like a checklist they kept knocking me down.  And even though my faith and hope we're never torn down the way I viewed life was.  My realization of goodness in the world was changed and I hate to say it I saw the evil in this world rest it's head in a way I never thought even existed.  And being the open book person I am I shared that with my family and close friends.  So the routine check ups became my worst nightmares.  No matter if Brent couldn't make one do to work or if my Mom was going to meet me there so unwound never have to be alone... the drive to get there was scary and dark.  And this is where my Paw Paw stepped in.  Let me begin my sharing he is a man that stands first in my line of men I look up to and admire.  Yes I know he has and still will never be perfect but to me he comes damn close, even in his failures he is beyond amazing in my eyes. He also is a gentle soul in a way you do not see men in todays time.

 He is:

A man of his faith, even though he admits his sins

A man who loves with ability that far out measures his hearts capacity.

A man who cries even though most men are ashamed to show tears.

A man who is never afraid to pick his favorites amongst his grandchildren, even though it's probably not right (but knowingly he knows we will all be given our turn).

A man with working hands and goals, even though he knows a woman's true love is a gift at the end of the day .

A man who openly speaks his mind, even though you may not be his friend because of it but you will respect him more for it in the long run.

A man who believes this is a mans world but at the same time he believes more that there is true love and we are each given a chance at it (no matter how long it takes you to find it, it is there for each of us to have.)

And lastly a man who believes with all of his being family comes first NO MATTER WHAT!

So now that you you know that let me share he is known to call and check on me and always has  even before I was pregnant with Braxton.  I have never wanted to admit to him when I was in a bind or needed his help.  To the point he has had to drive it out of me/hound me to ask for help.  In a way it's never been because I didn't want his help it has always been because I didn't want to let him down by admitting I needed help.  To the point of avoiding him in order to hide my failures.  But one day he caught me an he caught me good.  I will never forget I was driving the 45 minute drive from New Iberia to home after a long day of work.  And just as my phone was ringing I had to tell myself I could only avoid him so long before I had to speak to him.  And I knew I had no answers from Dr's to tell him how things were or that they even might be ok.  So as I heard his voice say "My Heart, you there?"  I knew I had to face him.  "Yes Paw Paw I'm here." And then the next part of our conversation was focused on trying to hide how much I was crying on the other side of the line.  But little did I know what  he had to tell me would be not only be something I would carry with me even still today but it would also be something I would share with other grieving mothers who I now call very close friends.  Aa he asked me how things were going and I tried to dance around the true pain and heartache I was feeling he told me this. 

Do not ever let the devil take away your happiness My Heart.  He is not worthy of it and he doesn't deserve it.  But he will take it if you let him.  I want you to promise me any time you feel like he is trying to steal it that you will tell him no.  I told him yes sir and just tried to finish the call because I wanted to cry the ugly cry loud and by myself because I knew I couldn't fix the outcome of my pregnancy or the line of heartache it was causing way past my own.  No Sarah Nicole I mean it, do not ever let him think he can have your happiness.  And when you feel like he is creeping in on it I don't want you to only think it I want you to tell him and I mean tell him at the top of your lungs "Devil you are NOT worthy of my happiness and I will not let you steal it from me."

A simple line like that and from then on out I began to repeat it over and over almost daily.  And I can remember heading to appointments with two hands on the steering wheel gripping it almost to the point of blisters due to the pain I could not express screaming ..... DEVIL BACK AWAY BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT STEAL MY HAPPINESS FROM ME EVEN WHEN I DONT THINK I HAVE ANG I WILL STILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO HAVE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT WORTHY IT. 

I have screamed this louder than I can explain and more times that I can count since the day my Grandfather told me this.  I now call this my "Fight Song".  I pray that every single woman reading this no matter what obstacle they are dealing with knows they are worthy of their own fight song.  Find yours and make it your own.  These words not only mean hope to me but they mean strength in words!!  We are all worth our own happiness from God and there is no reason we should ever allow the devil any reason to believe he can conquer that.  I can remember thinking I never deserved the blessing of being a mother who was allowed to raise her children here on earth.  But with the fight I had in me to make sure that message from the devil was not allowed I am staring at this across from me at the beach today.  They are now the face of my Fight Song and make it all worth the fight.  I will not ever let the devil think for a minute he is stronger than my God, although I may have my days of weakness I promise in the end my God will always rise above him!!!  ALWAYS!!!!!  

So here I stand 5 years later on the night before my sweet boy enter and exited this earthy world.  I still have a lot of sadness, guilt and pain within in me but I also have a huge amount of fight left in me to finish my journey here even if it is without my Braxton. Because I know one day we will be together again.  But until that day I will continue to push the devil out of my mind and allow the happiness I deserve to be first in my life!!!!