What This Isn’t How You Brush Your Teeth?

Doesn’t everybody brush their theeth with just their socks and shoes on?  This bit is serious about getting into the No Cavity club like his sister!  Never a dull moment around here!!!!  Guess I can’t fuss at least he is brushing.

Sometimes We Break

"Mommy I drew a picture of Bubba, he is our family!"
“See his wings Mommy?”
(Leighton Rose 3 years old)

Imagine how many people you pass each day and you never realize they may be slowly breaking?  Just stop and think of how oblivious we are to what’s really going on around us.  It’s true it’s hard to know what other people are thinking or even feeling.  But I must admit that once you go through a tragedy of some sort I think you become more aware of what others are trying to cover with a smile.  It’s kind of like that fundraiser you see as you scroll through Facebook, the prayer chain you halfway read for someones family member or even the 5k run in town for....... hmmmmm what was it this time?  It’s not on purpose but those are all things you don’t pay close attention to or that you dont' pay attention to until you need them or their support.  It’s natural believe me I know.  I can remember when I was in college every single year when the St Judeathon played on the radio I changed it faster than I could blink.  Not because I didn’t care, but mainly because I thought the stories were so sad that I would cry the whole way to school.  It wasn’t until a family member of mine; a very close one, was headed to St Jude that I started really seeing what the radio fundraiser was really about and how important it truly was.  I beat myself up still thinking about how selfish I was to do that, but the truth of the matter is it was not something I didn't really see of until my family needed it.  Once again I hope you don’t judge me to hard on that I am only trying to be honest.  My point is that so much is overlooked every single day.  Today I broke, today I could not keep the “I have it all together” face on.  Sadly my Mom is the one who catches the brunt of that downfall most of the time and it’s because she is not just my mom she is my best friend.  Every single day is a struggle I can not lie.  Ever since we lost our Braxton things have obviously been hard, but most would assume it just sadness and grief that is left for us to deal with, ohhhhh but it is so much more.  Your brain and your heart fights each other constantly from sun up to sun down.  One always trying to out smart the other just to keep you on that fine line of feeling crazy, but holding you back from a complete breakdown of tears.  Today was a day that I crossed that line.  The heartache and loss of a child also leaves you with a brain that never rests, thoughts that never end and a heart that never beats the same.  While you are trying to function in the normal world you have to keep it together, process things multiple times, remind yourself not everyone knows your pain and manage to enjoy the blessings you have that is paired with an equal amount of guilt you put on yourself for enjoying it.  So some things may seem simple or routine to others but to me you have to multiply those daily actions by at least 5 and that is how much time and energy it takes me to do it ( ex. something as simple as taking a kid for a haircut.)  It may seem crazy but Jean Paul is more than a hater of a haircut much less a little trim.  It is something I have to prepare myself for.  Yes I do think many Mother's go through this, but I would like to explain my process to show you how it differs.  I have to focus a lot of thought and energy to reminding myself to remain calm when he starts kicking, screaming and even crying so hard he shakes.  It breaks my heart to see him begging to go bye bye and watching his face go deep red because he is so scared.  So while I try and be a Mommy that is calm and soothing to her child in his time of fear and need I am also trying to process the thoughts of anxiety that are rushing in.  Anxiety that I know if I let take over Jean Paul will also directly feel and hurt from.  Then their are the thoughts that come from the devil himself, the ones that try and tear me down by telling me I should know what to do in this situation, but I don't because I didn't get to experience this with Braxton.  Almost as if it is taunting me and pushing me to lose all control because yes it is true I didn't get to do that and maybe if I had then maybe I would be able to handle this better which equals I would be a better MOM.  So the simple task of just holding him and rationalizing the situation turns into a fast downward spiral of thoughts and tension for me.  Then I break.  And the break didn't come from the screaming, kicking or the pure chaos I was seeing it came from my Mom speaking.  All it took was a few words and I felt attacked.  Felt like i was being blasted and put on stage in front of everyone to prove I was incapable of this situation because I was not allowed to keep Braxton 5 years ago.  Obviously that seems silly now, but in that moment I felt attacked and defeated.  Believe me I know it is the last thing my Mom would ever want me to feel but I did.  I wanted to scream I get it I can't do it as good as you or as good as all the real Mom's.  Once I cried and let my tears fall I finally was able to rationalize with myself and with what was going on.  The best way I could describe it to my Mom was this.  Imagine waking up every single morning and literally the moment your eyes opened you were already depleted of 75% of your energy.  Could you function with 25% that was left to you?  That 75% I lack is all unintentionally directed to basically just functioning and well just surviving another day with a broken heart.   I am blessed beyond measure I do know that but it doesn't mean that I don't struggle.  And to be honest I think I do pretty damn good considering I am functioning at 25% most days.  I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me that is not my intention.  I just want others to realize that maybe just maybe others around them are not able to have 100% to offer every single day.  Just maybe we need to try and notice that we are all doing the best we can, with what we have been through and with what we are able to do.  So please look through different eyes tomorrow and try and smile at that person you normally wouldn't of smiled at, or that donation link you would of not gave a second thought too usually and maybe even to your best friend; the one you think you know everything about.  Because even though you think that friend has it all under control, that friend may still need a hug to keep on going.  It is ok to break sometimes, it is ok to admit weakness and it is ok to hurt so bad that even getting out of bed each day is a task.  But it is not ok to pretend that these feelings don't exist.
Thank you Mom for allowing me to break and thank you for admitting that even though you hurt and miss our sweet Braxton too, that sometimes you don't know how hard it is to function day in and day out in my shoes.  Thank you for catching me every single time I fall and thank you for seeing that I do appreciate my blessings I have been given with all of my heart, but those blessings don't fill the piece of my heart that was lost.
I may break from time to time, but I will never give up.  I will forever be in awe of God's plan for me. For he knows I am normal for what I feel and he does not judge my path of coping.  He also knows that I will continue to share my journey with others in hopes of helping through my sweet boy's memory.

He Did Exist

Anytime With Them Is Worth It

With Poorain & Ney Ney living in Texas we don’t get as much time with them as we used to it as much as we want!  But after a great weekend of celebrating and getting ready for the big wedding next weekend we are soaking up all the extra time lately.  On their way out today they came by for a quick visit at our house.  And even though we wish it could of lasted longer, anytime with them is worth it.  Especially when I see the smiles they put on my kids faces!

Tears From Sun Up To Sun Down

Recap of our day goes like this:

4:45 AM - Brent quietly wakes me to tell me he is leaving so I move me and Leighton from our secret sleepover in the living room to my bedroom

4:50 AM - Jean Paul is screaming because he heard Brent’s truck start 

5:00 AM - His screaming is getting worse (which I should let you know I am not a huge let them cry it out type of Mom)

5:05 AM - Now me and both kids are in the bed but only one of us is ready to start the day=Jean Paul
7:00 AM - By this time Leighton has been crying for over and hour begging Jean Paul
to “JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES” lol while he refuses to anything but purposely try and annoy her
7:10 AM - Done trying lets get up lol
7:10 - 9:00 AM - Breakfast, toys, cartoons and even a little time in the backyard

11:00 AM - both kids covered in mud so bath time
11:10 AM - I literally witness my son falling asleep on the couch which has never in 2 years EVERRRRRR happened ( that 4:45 AM wake up call is catching up to him)

11:15 AM - I slowly try to transfer him to his bed for a nap but he is not happy with my plan at all and decides to join us for another hour of playtime before he actually goes down for a nap

11:25 AM - Lunch time consists of waffles since my kids decide to be Picky for all of the month of February so far

12:00 PM - I know Leighton needs a nap but I also realize I have exactly one hour to shower and get myself ready in order to have enough time to drop Jean Paul off to my brother so Leighton and I can attend my sister in laws bridal shower sooooooo I bargain with her if she rests in my bed watching a movie then we will call it a deal 

1:00 PM - Rushing as usual I wake Jean Paul which goes way smoother than I anticipated due to the past experiences we have had when waking him instead of allowing him to wake on his own
1:10 PM - Finally pull out of my driveway to realize I need gas ( which by far is my least favorite thing to do lol)  I zoom into the station closest to my house and tell myself to just pump enough to top the tank off and call it a day lol.  As I let go of the pump randomly I realize my total is $17.17 I can't hope but giggle because Braxton's sign to us is the number 17!!!
2:00 PM - After getting gas and making it to my Mom’s she confirms what I thought she would by telling me Leighton's dress is too short lol.  Sooooo wardrobe change but thankfully I was prepared! Being OCD has its proud moments sometimes LOL!
2:55 PM - Arrive at bridal shower 5 minutes early which in my book is a major WIN for me lol
3:00 - 5:30 PM - Leighton and I have an amazing time visiting with friends, family and future family while celebrating the bride to be.  Leighton was beyond excited to assist with the opening of all of the gifts and in my eyes fulfilled her flower girl duties beautifully!
 5:35 PM - While heading to the car Leighton asked to see the fountain and throw coins in to make wishes.   We found 3 coins and she said one was for her, Jean Paul and Bubba.  My heart exploded as I watched her toss each one in and say what she wished for each of them!
(In her words)
For her - “Ney Ney to say “You did so good” when I do my walk for the big wedding and get a unicorn back pack too”
For Jean Paul - “Be Good” (guess that was self explanatory lol)
For Bubba - “To teach me something like he teached me everything else I know since I was 1, 2, 3 and even when I am 4 Mom”

5:55 PM - I am looking in my rear view mirror at my sweet daughter wondering how I got to be so lucky and thanking myself for not rushing out like always and actually taking the time to just throw coins in the fountain.  That simple act of pausing gave me more happiness than I could of ever imagined.
6:15 PM - We arrive back at Moms to pick up Jean Paul who decides since he has behaved all afternoon for my brother and my Dad that he needs to prove he has a little evil side to him.  So time out times 10 went down with many apologizes too lol
7:45 PM - I am headed back home while Brent keeps calling to see what I want him to do for us for dinner.  Without completely going psycho on him I try to reasonably tell him I am so far past tired that I don’t really have enough brain cells to even form an answer for him right now lol
7:55 PM - I arrive home but as I put the car in park I realize I hear snoring in the back of the car, which can only mean a moms worst nightmare..... kids asleep well before bedtime but well after nap time which equals hell time when it comes time for bed.
8:15 PM - After Brent and I have unloaded both kids which in the process means they both awaken and by this time we have both also tried to console them because they are not only tired but now the are tired and very mad.  Don't know if they are mad that they did not get a full sleep or if they are mad we thought they needed to get out of the car seats for their own safety instead of allowing them to stay in there all night alone lol
8:30 PM - All I can do is laugh because they are so upset all they can do is scream and cry and to add to that everything Brent did Leighton would begin to cry even more; although, he was honestly trying to please her lol.
Example #1 - her flowers from Valentines Day are starting to wilt and he pointed that out bu saying it was almost time for Daddy to buy her some new ones which to her was the end of the world, so very sweetly Brent plucked one of the roses with life still in it and placed it in a single bud vase.  As he approached her with it she completely lost it sobbing and screaming.  His face was priceless lol.  He literally looked like a crawfish as he stopped in his tracks then slowly started back peddling into the kitchen.
Example #2 - Brent had stopped to pick up McDonald's for them to make it easy once I got home with them so late and apparently Leighton thought he should of opted for the Super Size Fries when it was obvious he went for the Medium size.  A whole new chain of tears.
Example #3 - I asked that we both calmly try to put them in their pj's but in Leighton's eyes Brent is not qualified for that task as she screamed and threw herself everywhere and insisted Mommy dressed her.
Example #4 - I think by far the best "Daddy can do no right moment" tonight was Brent bought her a brand new pack of Popcorn today and was excited to tell her.  In the moment she begin smiling and squealing in excitement when he offered to pop her some.  After her and Jean Paul had eaten over half of the bag of popcorn Leighton disappeared and then we heard "Mommy come wipe me"  Routinely I finished my Mommy duties of poo poo wiping and she walked out the bathroom straight up to her Daddy and says
"Your popcorn made diarrhea"  I busted out laughing as Brent looked at her and them me confused.  It what baby he asked?  Without any hesitation she repeated her statement loud and clear
"Your popcorn made diarrhea" still shocked Brent looked at me like What?  So to clear things up for him I said "Your popcorn you made gave her diarrhea which basically sums up that you can not do anything right tonight" LOL.  He slowly looks back at her and says "Oh well that's nothing new baby"  Both he and I couldn't help from laughing.  Yes I knew it was a jab at me but it was funny and he was right too.

So this Saturday ended the same exact way it started....
With A Lot Of Tears!!!!!
Yes there were a lot of smiles, giggles and happiness in between the tears but in the end we all just wanted to cry and start over.
There are some days no matter how hard you try there just seems to be nothing you can do right lol.  Praying tomorrow starts off differently for all of us, but overall I wouldn't trade the good moments of today for anything.

Right before bed Leighton proudly walked into the living room with a handful of bubbles.  With a smile from ear to ear she showed them off to me and I asked her where she got them from and she proudly stated "MY DADDY!"  I told her to sneak into the bathroom and stand in the tub and blow the bubbles real real hard and see what happens.  After I snapped this last pic of the night I walked the other away instead of following her into the bathroom, but from  behind me I could hear giggles from a little girl that couldn't help herself from enjoying something her Daddy had done for her and from something her Mom told her to do (both secretly being things not allowed in her eyes).   It was probably the smallest thing in both of our eyes that we had done today. Him handing her a stack of bubbles from the sink as he washed dishes and me instructing her to make a mess; but the laugh I heard coming from the bathroom was pure happiness.
There will be times in their lives that they will like us/appreciate the things we do for them (big or small) and today proved to me those moments will not always be ones that we will witness.  But as parents we must keep trying and showing them we love them because even when we don't get to witness their smiles every single second of every single day.....
it is still worth it if we get them to smile at all!!!!!

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

Well sometimes when the boys are fast asleep you have to sneak out of bed and have a girl party!  Secretly me and Leighton had a movie night on the air mattress with no one knowing.... at least yet lol.  The boys are gonna sure be confused when they wake up and see what we were up to last night.  Making memories with my daughter is way more fun than I ever knew possible!!!!

Timing Is Everything

Oh Jean Paul Vincent how you will give me grey hair for many years my precious boy...... perfect time to slam your head on the cement and bruise your adorable face since your Poorain is getting married in one week lol!  Oh yeah and you are in the wedding SON!!!!!