Sometimes We Break

"Mommy I drew a picture of Bubba, he is our family!"
“See his wings Mommy?”
(Leighton Rose 3 years old)

Imagine how many people you pass each day and you never realize they may be slowly breaking?  Just stop and think of how oblivious we are to what’s really going on around us.  It’s true it’s hard to know what other people are thinking or even feeling.  But I must admit that once you go through a tragedy of some sort I think you become more aware of what others are trying to cover with a smile.  It’s kind of like that fundraiser you see as you scroll through Facebook, the prayer chain you halfway read for someones family member or even the 5k run in town for....... hmmmmm what was it this time?  It’s not on purpose but those are all things you don’t pay close attention to or that you dont' pay attention to until you need them or their support.  It’s natural believe me I know.  I can remember when I was in college every single year when the St Judeathon played on the radio I changed it faster than I could blink.  Not because I didn’t care, but mainly because I thought the stories were so sad that I would cry the whole way to school.  It wasn’t until a family member of mine; a very close one, was headed to St Jude that I started really seeing what the radio fundraiser was really about and how important it truly was.  I beat myself up still thinking about how selfish I was to do that, but the truth of the matter is it was not something I didn't really see of until my family needed it.  Once again I hope you don’t judge me to hard on that I am only trying to be honest.  My point is that so much is overlooked every single day.  Today I broke, today I could not keep the “I have it all together” face on.  Sadly my Mom is the one who catches the brunt of that downfall most of the time and it’s because she is not just my mom she is my best friend.  Every single day is a struggle I can not lie.  Ever since we lost our Braxton things have obviously been hard, but most would assume it just sadness and grief that is left for us to deal with, ohhhhh but it is so much more.  Your brain and your heart fights each other constantly from sun up to sun down.  One always trying to out smart the other just to keep you on that fine line of feeling crazy, but holding you back from a complete breakdown of tears.  Today was a day that I crossed that line.  The heartache and loss of a child also leaves you with a brain that never rests, thoughts that never end and a heart that never beats the same.  While you are trying to function in the normal world you have to keep it together, process things multiple times, remind yourself not everyone knows your pain and manage to enjoy the blessings you have that is paired with an equal amount of guilt you put on yourself for enjoying it.  So some things may seem simple or routine to others but to me you have to multiply those daily actions by at least 5 and that is how much time and energy it takes me to do it ( ex. something as simple as taking a kid for a haircut.)  It may seem crazy but Jean Paul is more than a hater of a haircut much less a little trim.  It is something I have to prepare myself for.  Yes I do think many Mother's go through this, but I would like to explain my process to show you how it differs.  I have to focus a lot of thought and energy to reminding myself to remain calm when he starts kicking, screaming and even crying so hard he shakes.  It breaks my heart to see him begging to go bye bye and watching his face go deep red because he is so scared.  So while I try and be a Mommy that is calm and soothing to her child in his time of fear and need I am also trying to process the thoughts of anxiety that are rushing in.  Anxiety that I know if I let take over Jean Paul will also directly feel and hurt from.  Then their are the thoughts that come from the devil himself, the ones that try and tear me down by telling me I should know what to do in this situation, but I don't because I didn't get to experience this with Braxton.  Almost as if it is taunting me and pushing me to lose all control because yes it is true I didn't get to do that and maybe if I had then maybe I would be able to handle this better which equals I would be a better MOM.  So the simple task of just holding him and rationalizing the situation turns into a fast downward spiral of thoughts and tension for me.  Then I break.  And the break didn't come from the screaming, kicking or the pure chaos I was seeing it came from my Mom speaking.  All it took was a few words and I felt attacked.  Felt like i was being blasted and put on stage in front of everyone to prove I was incapable of this situation because I was not allowed to keep Braxton 5 years ago.  Obviously that seems silly now, but in that moment I felt attacked and defeated.  Believe me I know it is the last thing my Mom would ever want me to feel but I did.  I wanted to scream I get it I can't do it as good as you or as good as all the real Mom's.  Once I cried and let my tears fall I finally was able to rationalize with myself and with what was going on.  The best way I could describe it to my Mom was this.  Imagine waking up every single morning and literally the moment your eyes opened you were already depleted of 75% of your energy.  Could you function with 25% that was left to you?  That 75% I lack is all unintentionally directed to basically just functioning and well just surviving another day with a broken heart.   I am blessed beyond measure I do know that but it doesn't mean that I don't struggle.  And to be honest I think I do pretty damn good considering I am functioning at 25% most days.  I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me that is not my intention.  I just want others to realize that maybe just maybe others around them are not able to have 100% to offer every single day.  Just maybe we need to try and notice that we are all doing the best we can, with what we have been through and with what we are able to do.  So please look through different eyes tomorrow and try and smile at that person you normally wouldn't of smiled at, or that donation link you would of not gave a second thought too usually and maybe even to your best friend; the one you think you know everything about.  Because even though you think that friend has it all under control, that friend may still need a hug to keep on going.  It is ok to break sometimes, it is ok to admit weakness and it is ok to hurt so bad that even getting out of bed each day is a task.  But it is not ok to pretend that these feelings don't exist.
Thank you Mom for allowing me to break and thank you for admitting that even though you hurt and miss our sweet Braxton too, that sometimes you don't know how hard it is to function day in and day out in my shoes.  Thank you for catching me every single time I fall and thank you for seeing that I do appreciate my blessings I have been given with all of my heart, but those blessings don't fill the piece of my heart that was lost.
I may break from time to time, but I will never give up.  I will forever be in awe of God's plan for me. For he knows I am normal for what I feel and he does not judge my path of coping.  He also knows that I will continue to share my journey with others in hopes of helping through my sweet boy's memory.