As I reflect on this past weekend at our Hope & Healing Retreat I find tears rolling down my face again. The time we spent alone with other families like us is irreplaceable. The moment we got there we were welcomed with hugs from some we knew and other new friends in this horrible club that no one wants to ever be in... The Grieving Mother’s and Father’s Club. Although our stories are all different they still are all very similar too. We discussed some of the raw details of our journey, things that trigger us, the negative way our minds haunt us daily, the guilt, fear and emptiness we have, we asked the why me’s and the what if’s, learned it is ok to say no to things we are unable to give our energy to, ways to allow others in and most importantly was to listen without feeling the need to still try and fix what has happened to us. And by the end of the weekend we all took away ways to turn our babies lives into true love stories instead of ones ending in tragic loss. I can’t stop thinking of how I sat there and heard some of the same exact things from others that I struggle with. And then in the same moment I ached seeing others in the true raw phase of their journey where we were a few years ago struggling to get through the days filled with crippling grief. I remember those days all to well. Brent and I shared that after 6 years we have learned the gaps between the days we are unable to function due to heartache still attack us; yet they attack us with more space between each one. And although sometimes it may appear that after 6 years we have this grief thing figured out, we truly don’t. Because some days it feels more like I’m drowning than actually moving forward... and that’s ok to have those days. There were many moments of clarity, moments of feeling valued, moments of admitting I am worthy of love and happiness, moments of self pity followed by extreme moments of gratefulness and peace! But the moment that grabbed me the most was something that happened near the end of our retreat. As we wrote a letter of appreciation to our ourselves followed by a letter to someone who has helped us I heard a loud cry. A cry that makes your heart break instantly. It was a Mother’s gut wrenching cry that I know all to well. It is a cry you never want to witness. As I sat there sobbing I could see the flashback of Braxton’s last breath being taken 6 years ago. It was as if I was outside of my body once again watching someone else lying in that hospital bed cradling her sweet baby boy sobbing that cry that only a grieving Mother knows. The one that has you unable to move, to comprehend and mostly unable to let your baby be taken from your arms. I was brought back to a place of more than heartache it was a place of complete brokenness, but sadly it’s a place no Mother Of Loss is ever able to escape.
This cry was coming today from someone I considered a friend the moment I met her just two days before.
She was the first person I sat with for dinner that night, because she is someone I was drawn too.
She is someone I admire more than I think she will ever understand.
She is someone that deserves all the happiness in the world.
She is someone that is a Mother to earthly blessings and a Mother to a sweet boy in heaven, but stuck trying to figure out how to be happy and sad at the same time like me.
I pray she knows she is someone special to me!
As I lay here thinking of each and every person I was honored to be with this weekend I am feeling beyond blessed. These people are Brent and I’s army. Our army who gets it and the same ones who we can count on when we need to scream, cry, laugh and talk comfortably about our journey. I vowed to myself this weekend that my form of self care will be to allow myself to be with these amazing people more. It is something I always enjoy; yet I push away at the same time because I somehow think others view me as weak when I admit I need them. Braxton knew I needed this getaway and I can not wait for the next one. Think about it what Mom do you know that doesn’t like to brag about their child? Our children may be angels but we like to brag and talk about them too. And if I may tell the truth for a second...
It felt damn good to say Braxton’s name all weekend long as much as it felt good to hear the names of the sweet babies up there with him till I get there one day!
