The Braxton Shirt Bunch

The littlest things and the littlest supporters sometimes mean the most!!!!  Every single year our special sitter Tricia buys all of the kids she keeps Braxton shirts.  Each year I try and tell her to not feel like she has too, but every year she insists!  Well ok truth is if you know our Tricia you know she basically tells me I can’t tell her what she can and can’t do lol!  All of the kids love getting their Braxton shirts and then a few times through the year they will have Braxton shirt days and you should see how tickled they are to say they are all twins lol!  And in true Tricia fashion she gets this amazing picture every year for me; meanwhile, I can barely get just Leighton and Jean Paul to stand still for a picture for me!  I can remember Leighton being so excited the first year all her friends had her Bubba’s shirts and then when Jean Paul joined the crew her smile grew even more in the pictures!  But this year I can’t lie I had tears running down my face when I saw the group picture because Jean Paul looks beyond proud to be wearing his Bubba shirt with all of his friends!  This group picture each year is worth so much more than anyone can ever understand.  As a grieving mother each year that passes brings more and more worry that your baby will be slowly forgotten.  The pain is indescribable and sometimes it even feels unworthy of talking about because you know so many just won’t understand.  So to have moments like this and feel so much love and support all those pains are erased for a little while.  Tricia promised me after losing Braxton that my family and future kids were always welcome at her house and that we would always have a spot in her daycare.  I just never truly knew how much she meant it.  I say that because not only has she kept Leighton and now Jean Paul, she still keeps Braxton there in a very special way.  A way I never knew I needed.  His name is still spoken between those walls where he should of been playing, learning and growing; and to me that is more than I could of ever asked for.  Just like any other parent I want my son to be loved and man is he is loved by his friends and teachers at Mrs Tricia’s!!!!!!  I know he watches over every single one of them too!  There have been many times his spirit has made its presence known there as well and each time Tricia tells me about it to remind me how special he is to her.  I can’t help but believe our shirts are beyond speaking the truth this year...

Because of you I believe in Angels!!!!!

Bed Hair Don’t Care

When Mommy has to be at work for 6:00 AM this is what you get lol!

  Leighton being sassy as usual and...

Well I think Jean Paul’s picture speaks for itself.  

The crazy thing is that as more time passes I honestly think this picture perfectly represents his personality.  He can be moody but for the most part it’s truly his hard headed demeanor that gets him in trouble lol.  And say what you want about my push the limits little boy, cause at the end of the day he is one sweet teddy bear that only wants hugs and kisses.  He adores his big sister more than anything else.  As you can see in this picture he wants to pose when she does just to be next to her.  I can see him in high school still doing this exact thing before he walks out on school mornings lol.  Imitating her to annoy her and bed hair to the max.  He will be one of those kids that just doesn’t care what others think until you have an opinion about his sister I promise!!!!  So when I saw this picture this morning I had to laugh out loud, because you can lay out the perfectly ironed clothes, leave notes to remind them to brush their teeth (with toothpaste)  and even place the brush by the front door...

But some just aren’t bothered by what others think and that will be my Jean Paul!!!

You Say

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, o-ooh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
Oh, I believe

Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure God, and You'll have every victory, o-ooh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
I believe

Oh I believe
Yes I believe
What You say of me
Oh I believe

Just One More Night

It has been a long 7 days!!!!!  Finally finished my my 7 day stretch of night shifts... till the next one lol.  I am absolutely loving the night shift; although, I’m steadily realizing I am way to nosey to be working at a trauma hospital lol.  I have no regrets of jumping right in and giving this shift a shot.  The hard part is missing my babies while I’m at work.  So yesterday I decided to forfeit some of my sleep and wake up early enough to pick them both up and bring them somewhere fun before I went in at 5:00 PM.  The were so excited as we headed to get ice cream and cookies, but couldn’t agree on what flavor they both were going to get!  Once we got there we picked our booth and started enjoying some time together.  Jean Paul wanted to show me all the sea animal figurines he had smuggled out of the car without me noticing and Leighton  proudly began showing me everything in her book sack that she had done at school.  Once Maw Maw got there they chose their ice cream and then both barely said a word while they inhaled the treat lol.  By the time they were done they both had marching blue smiles and my heart was so full.  I actually told myself in my head “Good job Mommy!”  But what happened next completely crushed me.  As I buckled them into Maw Maw’s van Leighton began sobbing.  And I mean sobbing huge crocodile tears.  She was crying so hard she could not even open her eyes.  Fighting back my own tears I kept telling her just one more night peanut, just one more night then I’ll be home for 7 whole days.  She kept crying harder and harder.  As my Mom told me to get in my car before she would see my cry I kissed her big and squeezed her tight.  As I got in my car I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, because my heart hurt so bad.  I told myself “Just one more night Mommy!”  

And yes I cried the whole way to work!

Walking For My Angel

Another year another walk.  Braxton what I wouldn’t do to have you hear baby boy!  I promised you I would never let you be forgotten and this is one way we have chosen to do that!  I literally just worked a 12 hour shift and am headed to the walk for you!!  The things you do for your kids!!!!!  Your brother and sister are so proud of you and can’t wait for this event every year!!  Today is for you my sweet boy!!!

Spoiled Rotten

Dates with my Daddy are times I cherish more and more as the years go by.  Some may call

 it spoiled; well ok yes I am spoiled rotten and I will admit it lol.  But at least I am an appreciative spoiled rotten daughter!!!!  Ever since I was a little girl my daddy has always made time for dates just for he and I.  It is one of the things I will always think of when I think of growing up.  Maybe he shouldn’t of taken me to Ruth Chris’s for our very first date because he set the standards pretty high lol!  I mean even as a 6 year old I knew I could never go backwards after that!  This is probably why he was then, is now and always will be the greatest man I know.  No one can compete or even come close to how he makes me feel.  All jokes aside I don’t need fine dining to have fun or spend time with my Daddy, but the special dates still are our tradition and I wouldn’t trade them for the world!!!!

The Same Table

How can everything around you seem to be spiraling out of control and with one glance of these two it can instantly all feel ok???  Literally I feel like I can’t keep up or even get a little ahead in my role as a Mom, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend and Employee these days.  Not that I mean everything is going wrong, but just that I feel like I’m constantly running in circles.  I apologize to the ones I love most because man they see the bad side of me when I’m stressed lol.  As I sat on the couch  bribing myself to get up and fold the clothes, finish my PRN paperwork for a new job, empty

the dishwasher, straighten up and iron tomorrow’s school clothes I literally was about to cry from the feelings of incapability. Then I looked over and saw my sweet babies coloring at their table together.  

The same table that has been in my house since I got married.

The same table that after losing our Braxton became our prayer table.

The same table that my children now sit and pray at before they eat their meals.

The same table that we allow our kids to make memories at while we watch their imaginations and personalities grow.

The same table that was given to me from my Great Grandfather because he built it with his own hands!

So as I sat their watching my miracles play together at that table, I couldn’t help but smile and feel like everything will be ok.  It will be ok because I will not give up.  After  I tucked my kids into bed tonight I walked up to that table and ran my hands across the top of it and thought about what my Great Grandfather would tell me right now.  Once I got past the curse words and lecture I know he would start with I heard him whisper how proud he is of me; and then I let the tears fall.  When I picked up my head to wipe my eyes right in front of me was a picture of Braxton on the wall. 

All I could do was look up and say “I get it”.  

Instantly I felt worthy and capable of everything I have ever wanted because I felt their presence!!!!  I may be a mess lately but this mess of a Mom, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend and Employee will not give up!!!