Simple Saturday's

Sometimes the best Saturday's are the ones with no plans!!  By a small miracle every single person in the Bergeron house slept till 8:00 AM this morning!  Now that may push the nap cycle back a bit but I do not care LOL.  Once we were all up we were shocked to learn Daddy was going to hang out with us till lunch time before he headed to work.  So big breakfast time!!!!  Eggs, bacon and biscuits for all of us.   Now I do have to let ya'll know Jean Paul decided to grace us with some poo poo art in his crib when we got up but that just led to bath time happening earlier than normal.  While he was getting bathed I started the breakfast then we all did a little artwork ourselves.  This time it was clean artwork with colors, stickers and paper LOL.  Jean Paul was excited to sit at the big kid table while working and Leighton decided she needed a costume on in order to do her best work!  So that's what we did!   It was such a great morning doing nothing but being together.  Now everyone is finally taking their nap and we will head to the library for some free fun when they wake up!  The next few weekends are jammed packed with events so I am soaking up the going with the flow routine this weekend.  

And I must say I am loving every second of it!!!

Bubba's Letters

Leighton has been so proud of herself lately as she is learning a lot of new things at school!  So usually after Jean Paul is in bed her and I try and take 10 minutes to do something educational just us!  Sometimes it's only coloring or something simple but I still enjoy seeing her do things other than tv and this is the time she usually shares with me what they did at school that day!  Well last night she made my heart so happy.  After her bath she went to brush her teeth and get ready for bed because we had already done an alphabet game!  She came into my room with Braxton's wooden name puzzle in her hands and said "Mommy what does this say?"  I told her that was Bubba's name puzzle and explained to her that hers was in her room and Jean Paul's was in his!  "Can you let me learn Bubba's letters Mommy?"  My heart skipped a beat and even though it was past time for her to be getting in bed I heard myself say "Well of course I can, come bring it on the bed and we will learn Bubba's letters!"  These moments are so special and I will argue with anyone that tries to tell me Braxton was not with us in that moment.  I can only do so much of involving Braxton's memory in their lives but there are so many times I watch him involve himself in their minds and hearts all by himself!  And this was for sure one of them to me!  After telling me what each letter was we placed them in order a couple of times on the puzzle board and I watched Leighton beam with self pride!  She smiled and said "I learned Bubba's letters Mommy!"

An Hour Alone

Lately my work schedule changes by the week, but for the most part I don't get off early.  Today was different.  I actually was off by 4:00 PM.  I knew there were a million and one things I needed to do with the little bit of extra time I had alone before I had to get the kids from school by 5:30 PM.  I made a grocery list and planned to head there to get the essentials we needed to make it through the weekend lol.  One day I will accomplish a major grocery haul, like planning out meals and what we need to last at least a month.  But for now living on the edge is what we have been doing since it feels like there is no extra time in any given day.  Hey it's working; unless we get to the end of toothpaste, toilet paper, bananas for Jean Paul and gummies for Leighton lol.  Everything else we can wait on.  Before I turned into the parking lot at the grocery store I decided to just keep driving.  I drove straight to the cemetery.  I have always kept a blanket and a stash of books in the back of my car for special visits.  I have had it there since the day we buried Braxton 5 years ago.  Life seems to be so busy these days and I do not get long visits like I used too.  We still go all the time, but the kids love to sing and run around when we are out there.  Which I must say has added a wonderful piece of happiness to how my visits used to be.  But sometimes I like to stop by on my own for a little bit of one on one time with my sweet boy.  To be honest those visits are usually pretty quick too even though they are still special.  But today when I had an hour something inside me wanted to be with him and read him a long overdue book!  It was a beautiful day and I had new flowers for him that I had purchased with his Christmas money that I had saved up from his Great Grandmother till he needed fresh ones.  So today I got to sit with a blanket, two books (one to read to him and then one to read for me) and a beautiful afternoon.  The grass was freshly cut and the sun wasn't out beaming to make it to hot!  It was a perfect hour that was in my mind used wisely.  I filled him in on alot that has been happening and alot that I need his help with too!  And the best part was it was not rushed.  Just Mommy & Braxton!!!!  

Daughter Of God

DAUGHTER OF GOD,

KNOW THAT YOU WERE FORMED

BY GOD'S HANDS,

DREAMED UP IN HIS HEART,

AND PLACED IN THE WORLD FOR A PURPOSE!

Who Knew Lack of Sleep Would Make Me So Happy

If you have known me for years then you would know I love to sleep, or I loved to sleep LOL.  In the past I could sleep till noon and never think twice about it.  Day time or night time I could always nap!  So who would of ever thought that now with two toddlers running around I would be this happy due to the lack of sleep I get???  See the thing is even though I am beyond tired; like my body actually hates me most days from being so tired, I know this is what I prayed for.  I know we all know that we should appreciate the little things in life, but I think sometimes we get caught up and see some things as aggravation instead of blessings.  It is hard always being in charge of other humans besides myself, but I wanted that more than anything.  So for now I will just remain tired!  This type of tired is way better than the tired of racking my brain of what went wrong with Braxton, will I ever get another chance and many more troubling worries.  There are so many out there praying and yearning for a family.  So today I beg you to choose your words wisely when you complain about the little things, because to someone else it could be their deepest fear of never having those little things to complain about.  And believe me I had to do some major reminding of this exact thing in the middle of the night last night and bright and early this morning.  Around 1:00 AM Miss Leighton Rose wet her bed, so the changing and washing of sheets got started.  As I felt myself wanting to get frustrated because I was so tired, I had to laugh and say "I get it God" this comes with the prayer I begged for.  You see we can't just get the good we have to take the hard times with it!  Poor Leighton kept telling me she was so sorry for her accident.  So as I was starting the washer I told her to get in bed and cuddle with Daddy until her bed was remade and then I would lay with her in her bed.  When I went to get her 5 minutes later this is what I found.  

How can I be upset with that face???  I snuggled up next to her and actually began to cry.  I know everyday all day I am blessed but in this moment I couldn't help but cry out and thank him for these moments.  Because these are the moments that make me a Mom.  Not the stuff everyone sees, it's the little things that happen in between.  Next thing I knew my alarm was going off at 5:30 AM and I was trying to find a reason to stay in bed (is it Saturday?, is the clock wrong?) nope it's time to go to work UGGGGHHHHHH.  So as I was getting up again that peace and happiness came over me as my mind told my heart..... "you may be tired but you are tired because you have what you have always wanted!"

After my shower as I was drying off I could hear "Mommy" from my room.  As soon as I peeped my head out of the bathroom door this is what I see!

Yep 45 minutes ahead of the schedule Mommy needs him to be on LOL.  So this means no getting ready in an easy fashion.  BUT...... again I giggle and say outloud "God you got me.... this is what I asked for!"  So my bed is not truly mine anymore and that's ok.  Shoot my time isn't even mine anymore and that is more than OK.  Please take the challenge tomorrow and when you feel yourself getting a tad bit aggravated or just a tad bit sleepy to stop and realize if what is bothering you is actually attached to some sort of blessing that you truly love!!!  Oh and yes I was very tired all day long at work as usual but Leighton is 3 and Jean Paul is 1 and the realization is I will be tired from now on.  

AND THAT'S OK!!!!!!

Sometimes I'm Running Late

Sometimes I'm running late to things, but this is my reason why!  And for that I am not sorry!  

Visits with my sweet boy will always come first for this Mommy!

Just Another Louisiana Saturday Night

Yep it was just another perfect Louisiana Saturday night for the Bergeron's.  Well besides the final score it was a great day.  From naps in the car to dancing in the stadium we had a fun filled Saturday.  Boy was the sun out and beaming wowzers it was hot.  I am someone who is always hot, but yesterday my kids had the reddest cheeks from the heat poor things.  But they were good sports about it and so was I must admit LOL.  It sure does make you tired though that is for sure.  Besides them both running face first into a coke machine in the stadium they were all smiles.  Jean Paul ended up with his first major face boo-boo but it sure does not seem to be bothering him at all.  It's is hurting Mommy's heart more than it is hurting him.  This whole boy tornado personality is taking some getting used to for me LOL, man he does not stop.  Needless to say we all slept well and were kind of dragging walking into church this morning.  Still it was a great family day and we can't wait till the next home game!  

GO CAJUNS!!

To Some It May Sound Simple

Why oh why do I still believe that I can accomplish stuff with little kids around in the house.  Well actually how do I think I can get anything done LOL.  So my latest project/assignment as my husband calls it is to box up all the kids clothes that they don't wear anymore and donate or put up in storage.  Sure I can do that............. OCD brain takes over and hours later I have made piles over and over again.  But I will admit all the piles are nicely folded and categorized!!!!!  Seriously what is my problem.  Truth is it is hard for me to part with alot of their clothes and I know it's silly.  You can show me any outfit and I can still tell you where or who I got it from and what my kids wore it too.  Yes I know I am a little neurotic.  I think a lot of the hard part in this task is that I know we are not having anymore babies.  See after Leighton I was able to keep everything because we knew we still had a precious embryo to implant and we didn't know if it was a boy or girl.  Well now there is no reason to keep all the clothes.  I have wonderful friends and family that I know would truly appreciate the clothes now I just have to let myself part with them.  There is another link to this heartache that I must explain.  While pregnant with Braxton only a few clothing items were purchased or given to me along with a car seat.  I had this image that if my miracle was able to come home because the Dr's were wrong I had to have a car seat for him.  I just had too.  My Mom always assured me that no matter what I would not need to worry we would get whatever we needed when the time came, but I was set on this.  I needed to have this, somehow someway this was me showing I had faith that he was coming home.  So that is what I got, a wonderful car seat from my Aunts for my sweet Braxton.  Sadly it never was taken out of the box, but it was there and it meant they supported me in a way I needed more than they ever knew.   So the car seat was there and the few special clothing items in his room.  Now secretly I had the most precious outfits in my room because during my pregnancy I would hold them alot and pray.  Fast forward to our return from the hospital stay.  When Brent and I returned home there were alot of things missing from Braxton's room.  I know in my heart this was done out of love and our family not wanting us to hurt more than we needed to.  The car seat and the clothes from Braxton's room had been removed from our house in order for us to not have the little baby items staring at us day in and out.  I am more than grateful for all the love and support I had in those tender days.  But I also think this may be another contributing factor to why I can not part easily with Leighton and Jean Paul's things.  Anyway it is time and I have to move forward from this small step in the big scheme of what is important!  I have pictures and memories and that is what matters!  So I am happy to report all of Leighton's clothes have been sorted and bagged to hand out so now I just need to tackle Jean Paul's, which may be a little more painful.  I have allowed myself to keep the most precious items and especially the ones that all 3 of my babies skin has touched.  It is a work in progress that may sound so simple to others, but it has turned out to be a major step in the healing process for me.  Luckily my Mom has stepped in to help me and if we need to cry we cry and we actually shared alot of memories as we went through the first haul.  But silly me decided that I could get a bucket or two done with the kids awake and playing in the house.  WRONG!!!!  They obviously are as attached to their things as Mommy is.  Friday evening turned into let's put on our old Halloween costumes that do not fit anymore lol.  After all the struggle I have had internally with this project they sure did know how to lighten the mood.  We giggled for over and hour and it continued on when Daddy came home and saw what we were up too.  So no nothing was accomplished yesterday as far as boxing up the clothes, but more memories were made and that makes me smile.  

To some clothes may be just an item or a memory from an event in time, but sometimes to a grieving mother they are memories that never got to be made!!!

Cajun Family

Well hey I have always been honest in saying that I am forever a Mom in training.  Because there is always something new to learn around every single corner.  You finally catch on to how to do something then WHAM it's on to the next challenge LOL.  But I must say I might be doing something right as a Mom from Lafayette, LA when you have a morning like we did.  Fridays are now deemed pajama day at daycare, which Leighton is always excited about.  This Momma has to veto that rule when it's Football season and a Friday before a home game!  So as it was time to get dressed this morning I was expecting tears and complete drama when I did not come out with pajamas for her to wear to school.  She doesn't even really catch on that it's Friday sometimes, but when you are leaving school on Thursday afternoon and both teachers say "DON'T FORGET TOMORROW IS PAJAMA DAY," ahhhhhhhhh then she knows. (thanks to the teachers who know who they are LOL)!  But to my surprise instead of tears when she saw her outfit laying out on the couch she started jumping up and down with pure excitement!!!  "YAY Cajuns" she kept saying over and over again.  Proud Mom moment right there we are raising them right somehow if she knows the Cajuns are what we love.  So next I dress Jean Paul who is just happy because everyone else is at that moment.  Until he sees the football on his outfit!  "BALL, BALL" he kept repeating!  He was so proud it was so precious.  And of course as Daddy rounded the corner hearing Cajuns from his princess and ball from his son he couldn't contain his smile.  And when Brent is smiling ear to ear (like major cheese ball smile) you know he is happy, because poor man holds so much in that we tease him constantly!  Well how about that a smooth morning besides the Starburst Leighton requested for breakfast (that I did not grant); although, dang it after the 376th time she asked I wanted to just say FINE eat the dang thing.  It was finally time to load up which is usually a process cause right now they love to pretend to be headed out the door and then come back to give Mommy a million kisses one at a time LOL.  Which of course I adore.  So as Leighton was kissing me I said "have a great day at Tricia's!"  BIG MISTAKE!!!  Cue the tears!!  Apparently the ward robe choices made her somehow think we were going to the B-Ball game today or better yet now!  "NOOOOOO I want to go to the B-Ball game with Aunt Casey and Hayden and Daddy and Mommy and Jean Paul" she kept saying.  She kept repeating everyone we go with over and over in the saddest voice with the saddest little face as the tears kept pouring down her face.  Meanwhile Jean Paul just keeps screaming "BALL, BALL!"  But you could tell he was trying to defend his sister in wanting to go to the Cajuns game.  I felt so horrible I had completely confused her.  So as calmly as I could I tried to explain to her that we had one more sleep then we were going to Cajun Field.  It took some convincing but she finally seemed to believe me and stopped crying.  Finally we got them both loaded into the truck and headed off to school.  As I came back inside to get dressed I felt so bad for her, but then I had to giggle a little.  Brent always told me he wanted to raise our kids up as Cajun Fans even if later on they decided to choose their own path.  But we would at least show them our love for our local college that we both attended and that he played football for.  Well there you go we did something right for once LOL.  Wow that sure does feel good, knowing you we did something that we always wanted to for our kids.  And so far it is obvious that they love it as much as we do.  I mean when your 3 year old cries to go to the field I would say it's a good sign she enjoys it.  I think she truly loves her Cajuns, but I thinks she also loves when we are all together as a family even more!  And that makes me even prouder!!

Sibling Love

Brother and sister,

together as friends,

ready to face

whatever life sends.

Joy and laughter

or tears and strife,

holding hands tightly

as we dance through life.

My prayer for ya'll is that you find the love and friendship I have always shared with my sibling!

Grief Comes Randomly

"Before you tell a greiving parent to be grateful for the children they have,
think about which one of yours that you could live without."

Well today was one of those days.  One of those days that you pray stays far far away.  The pain and anxiety somehow consumed me today.  I truly am sorry for the rawness of this post, but if I intend to help through my journey then my honesty is very important.  I actually started off my day extremely happy, but somehow slowly it started to fade.  Almost as if my mind was telling me I was not worthy of the happiness and that I do not deserve it.  And I know how crazy all of this sounds but as I sit here and try to type my feelings I still can't overcome this feeling.  Not only does it sound crazy; it is far from the truth, because I know in my heart I do deserve happiness.  But somehow today I am stuck, just stuck in a place where all I want to do is cry.  One minute I want to be alone then the next the thought of being alone scares me more than anything.  You see this time of year is hard for me.  Although, it is filled with so much honor and pride with Braxton's birthday, the Maddie's Footprints Walk and so much more it is still very hard.  The hardest part is trying not to complain about being sad still after 5 years, because somehow it scares me that I will appear ungrateful for the many blessings I do have.  But that is not the case at all;  I am beyond thankful for the life God has given me, but it still feels incomplete.  There is a huge piece of my life gone.  Then when I feel so beat down and like a failing Mom I wonder if that is why Braxton isn't here, because he didn't want me.  Again I know this is not true, but your mind can play terrible tricks on you and the devil knows just when to attack.   Most of the time I pray for my mind to just stop even if it is just for a little while to allow me to rest.  To somehow let me stop wondering why, how and when will I be normal again.  But I guess it can't because I will never be me again without him.  Or at least not a complete me.  

The fear of living in constant worry of losing another one of my babies is what keeps me awake every single night.  I am sometimes afraid to close my eyes when I get in bed.  This time at night is my time, the time I use to let out everything I have tried to hide from everyone all day long with my smile.  It isn't that my smile is always fake or that my laughter isn't real throughout the day, it is just such a hard place to be.  Happy with so much going on around me but so extremely sad inside.  I was his Mommy and I could not save him so how am I supposed to sleep at night wondering if I can protect Leighton & Jean Paul.  I do not want to fail them because at the end of the day I am only human, and I do struggle with pain even on my happiest days.   And as much as I want to just run and hide for a long time I know that is not the solution.  The solution is to remember tomorrow is a new day and each breathe I take I take for Braxton.  I promised to live for him.  I will wake tomorrow and continue to be strong for my family.  But today for a brief moment I will allow myself to hurt , to cry.... to Grieve.  I will one day hold you again my sweet boy.  And when I do I pray you are beyond proud of me for surviving these hard days.  I always dreamed of being a Mother, I just never imagined it would be a grieving one.  But without you I would never have been given the chance of being a Mother at all.  And because of that and because of you I would do it all again.  No amount of pain can ever replace the time I had with you.  Please bring Mommy a smile tonight through your siblings giggles, please send me a sign that I am doing good. 

Love You My Sweet Boy Bigger Than The Sky!

I wrote this around lunch time today and then the most amazing thing happened after I picked up my kids.  Leighton had dancing so I had to rush and pick up Jean Paul from daycare and then rush to meet my Mom for her to hand off Leighton to me after her class.  Sitting in my car I felt paralyzed with sadness and was practically begging for a sign that I can do this.  A sign that I didn't go against God's Will by pushing for my dream of having a family so extraordinarily hard, even though all I was doing was following my heart.  So as I was faced with the precious innocence of my babies as I loaded them individually into the car I wanted to cry out to them that I was sorry.  They deserve so much and sometimes I am scared I am not enough (which I have come to learn all Moms feel this way).  There is something about being a Mom that makes you want to be able to give your kids the world.  All 3 of my kids mean more to me than anything and they truly are the only reason I find the courage to share our story piece by piece.  After they were loaded and we drove off headed towards home I started fumbling around for my sun glasses because I felt a few tears start to fall and I did not want Leighton to see them.  Then right there on my floor board was a CD that was given to me last week for my kids that I had completely forgotten about.  It was a CD of children's Hymns.  Right when I picked it up Leighton asked what it was and I read the title to her.  She then asked me what a Hymn is?  As I started to explain to her that they were songs about our Jesus and how much he loves us she replied "You mean the Jesus that Bubba lives with?"  "Yes baby that Jesus!"  As I sat there selfishly proud of myself for her knowing that because of how much we include Braxton in our daily lives she asked to listen to the music.  The very first song that came over the speakers was exactly what I needed to hear today!  I could not turn the volume up loud enough as I felt a peace completely take over my mind.   Leighton and I sang as Jean Paul giggled the whole way home.  My prayer  request for a sign today had been heard and in that moment I did not question whether or not I was deserving of being: 

A Mother to Braxton
A Mother to Leighton
or 
A Mother to Jean Paul
......... I felt it!


He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got the itty bitty baby in His hands

He's got the itty bitty baby in His hands

He's got the itty bitty baby in His hands

He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got a-you and me brother in His hands

He's got a-you and me brother in His hands
He's got a-you and me brother in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got a-you and me sister in His hands
He's got a-you and me sister in His hands
He's got a-you and me sister in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got the whole world in His hands

Surprise Sleepover

Impromptu sleepover at Maw Maw & Pepa's equals happiness for everyone!  I love being able to live so close to my parents.  I honestly would live next door if the money God's allowed LOL!  Pepa came home early from work with slushies and they blew bubbles and made blue play-dough spaghetti for dinner!!!!  And I am happy to say both my kids ate amazing tonight!  Steak and noodles with enough to bring home for leftovers for tomorrow night.... Now the test is if they will eat it at home even though it's the exact same thing Maw Maw fed them!!!!  Now time for baths then I'm sure both kids will be read at least 20 books each because it's one of their favorite things to do here!!!

A Grandparents love

know no bounds.

It does not recognize

bedtimes or curfews

and agrees dinner can be

cookies and ice cream.

It can provide unlimited 

cuddles and kisses

and always has time for

just one more story!

Clean Up On Aisle Three

So it is no big secret that I am no master chef, but I really wish my kids would cut me some slack soon. This dinner routine is draining me fast.  They eat things other places so I get super excited and go and by the ingredients to whip that up for them, but when Mom cooks it they don't eat it.  What the heck.  Seriously it's like they are playing mind games with me constantly!  Much less the time and money I am wasting trying to figure them out LOL.  I honestly feel like I am out of options.  Oh and I get the fact that I am responsible for their nourishment and health, but when I do not know what else to offer them I feel so lost.  Tonight after 30 minutes of trying what I call real food I was about to go crazy.  So needless to say one child had a pickle and a waffle while the other kid had an egg and cold ham, but they did both have a yogurt mixed in there too.  PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME I MAY CRY UNCONTROLLABLY IF YOU DO!!!  In some way please say their gourmet selection covered most of the food groups:

- Pickle = fruit or veggie your choice

- Waffle = grains if you hold it up to the light just righttttttt

- Egg = eggcellent source of protein

- Ham = MEAT

Yogurt = there is your dairy (minus the sugar I'm sure it secretly contained)

I am open to suggestions but I almost feel like I have tried them all!!  So while Leighton was enjoying her pickle I dropped an egg on the kitchen floor and yelled AHHHHHHHH!  They both came running in to see me starring at the floor almost in tears.  Yes I almost cried over a raw egg on the kitchen floor; now do you see how lost I feel.  Leighton must of thought it was dangerous because she sweetly got Jean Paul back into the living room and occupied him with toys so I could clean up the mess on aisle 3.  You know the aisle all Moms secretly hide on because they are between complete mental and emotional breakdown aisle.  I was extremely grateful she was being a great big sister because with my luck one of them would end up with salmonella from a Mom that may cook twice a week LOL. 

And then I hear Leighton say:

" It's ok turtle Mommy cracked an egg she is making us a cake for dinner!" 

Well there you go the one and only thing I didn't offer was a cake, how silly of me!  Truth is I may have offered it if I knew they would eat it.  But they wouldn't LOL!!!!  So how do you Mommy's do it.  If they even seemed remotely satisfied with something I would fix it every week, even though I know that would get old too.  But HELPPPPPPPPPP what does a working Mom do next?

Maw Maw's Boy

For over 5 years now Maw Maw has had this picture of her Braxton in her den.  And I do not think it has ever not had a beautiful fresh flower next to it.  She always picks him something special to sit next to him.  This picture was taken during an ultrasound to try and see the bones that were already broken in utero.  The specialist wanted to prove to us why continuing on with our pregnancy was not the best option.  That was her opinion and we never viewed this picture as anything other than perfection.  The perfect little miracle made from love and sent to us from love.  My Mom still sends me a picture almost every time she changes out her flower for him.  And after 5 years I still choke up when she does because it means so much to me.  Some times the small things mean the most!

My Novena Rose Prayer

O Little Therese, of the Child Jesus.

Please pick for me a rose

from the heavenly garden

and send it to me 

as a message of love.

O Little Flower of Jesus,

ask God to grant the favors

I now place with confidence

in your hands.

(mention your special prayer request here)

St. Therese,

help me to always believe as you did,

in God's great love for me,

so that I may imitate your "Little Way" each day.

Just Like Old Times

Couldn't of asked for a better weekend.  Came to have a little getaway with some oldie but goodie friends!  These friends have somehow stuck with us through so much and man are we blessed they did!  They have seen us at our worst though marriage issues, comforted us through the darkest days of our lives after Braxton and still continue to make memories with our kids!  No words can explain how blessed we are to call these people ours!!!!  

Your Story Continues

I've heard loss compared to books before, something like.... "Goodbyes are the hardest when the story wasn't finished."  I am beyond blessed and so thankful that some of my amazing family members put together a book for us "Braxton's Story!"  It's pages contain the pictures we cherish so much of our sweet boy.  The story is the eulogy my Uncle wrote for Braxton's funeral and it is through the eyes of Braxton!  I can not tell you how special we felt passing out his book to some of our closest friends and family.  I always tried to to it at a time I felt most fitting for each family.  I pray that it gives peace and a child like understanding of how amazing God's undying love is.  As much as I want to scream and shout why God? Why didn't you let my baby write his story or even his first chapter in the book of life.  Little by little I am seeing that in my eyes his story may have seemed short but it is far from that.  It is forever being written in the eyes of God until the day we are together  again.  As long as we continue to believe then the story is never finished.  So everytime my kids ask to read "Braxton's Story" I will stop and read it no matter what.  And everytime the book closes I will always remind them that their brother is and will always be with us..... And through their eyes I will watch Braxton's story add on chapter by chapter with Faith, Hope and Love as our author to guide us!!!

We your family miss you,

in the house where you should be.

We wanted so much to keep you,

but God willed it not to be.

Now you are in God's keeping,

you suffer no more pain.

So dear God take care of Him

Until we meet again!

Mom May Need A Night Out Soon

Oh yes indeed I may need a night out soon, but tonight a stiff drink may just have to do.  When will I learn that I am just not meant to have things go smoothly or when will I at least learn to admit that life isn't supposed to go smoothly LOL.  Always running from here to there.  Responsible for 2 humans, a household, a husband (cause we all know sometimes they are like another child), work, surviving losing Braxton and everything in between.  I can't help but giggle as I pour the vodka and squeeze the lime into the cup tonight.  POOYIE!!!!!!!

- The 2 Humans -

I love them more than life itself but for the love of God who knew you had to teach them everything LOL.  I mean I guess I just assumed I was born with all the amazing knowledge in my head.  It is awesome to know they solely rely on me for all life support but right now but I am tired ALOT.  I must admit every time they learn something new I still cry and more than most I know these are the happiest days of our lives.  Secretly I hope it's normal after all we have been through to say that every now and then I want someone to take care of me for just a minute!!!  

- The Household -

OK if we are being completely honest this is not my strong point.  Oddly enough OCD people are actually very opposite than lots of people think they are.  OCD does not equal immaculate house I promise.  I feel like I can't keep up and I have come to learn that some of the chores just are not going to get done in the timely manner that they used too.  Now I have to remind myself of this multiple times a week before panic sets in, but I am learning.  As long as my babies are fed and cleaned and loved everything else can wait.

- The Husband -

So Brent is actually very handy and does tend to tons of things around the house for us.  BUTTTTTTT he works so much that we don't see him having much time for that lol.  He gets home usually around 9 PM, showers and settles down and eats at 10 PM sometimes not till 10:30 PM.  Now this does not include having to wash his stinky clothes from cutting and making sure he has something clean for the next day.  For the most part Brent is really chill and easy going, unless he is sick.  Well I am pretty sure that is for most men it is almost as if they regress back to age 2 when they are sick (and I am speaking of just the common cold.)

- Work -

OH work OH work.  Lately I am traveling between two offices for work which puts me traveling alot.  I am beyond thankful to have a job I love, but man some days I wish I could just win the lottery lol.  I am crushed most mornings sending my kids off to daycare.  I know they are more than happy and well cared for, but I want more time in the day with them.  Seems unfair that they are usually the first ones dropped off and the last ones picked up.  But one day I pray the will know we work all for them.

- Surviving Losing Braxton -

Well this is by far the hardest of them all.  I try really hard to be brave and strong every single day.  But I must admit some days I want to pull out my crazy card and just scream "I can not do it today!"  Simplest way to describe this briefly is..... It is actually more exhausting and hard to be strong all day than to let myself just cry.  I will survive though and I will do it for my babies.  ALL 3 OF THEM.

- The In Between -

So today the in between drama deals with crazy songs in my head and clothing mishaps.
All in today I:

1- I literally dressed my son without putting a diaper on him this morning.

(Yep I had to undress him to put one on him, thank goodness before any true disaster happened)

2-  Leighton mishaps were her wearing semi-border daisy dukes to school and then wearing them as a mini skirt for at least 20 minutes before I noticed.  Oh and the short shorts were pointed out by her teachers and I sure did make her do the touch the toes drill to see if any hiney cheeks were revealed.  OK maybe I should of done the drill prior to dropping her off this morning but hey lesson learned lol.

3- The crazy songs in my head would not stop today.  And for me this was the main sign I may need a night out soon.  I don't know if its normal that when someone asked me what time it was?  I wanted to ring out:

"What time is it? It's time for Lunch?" like the Bubble Guppies do!!

Or when the kids asked to played outside I told them in my best singing voice:

"Outside, Outside, Everybody Outside!" again from Bubble Guppies

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH need adult interaction ASAP LOL!!!!!

Your Smile Means More Than Anything

Mommy & Leighton have been waiting for this day for a long time and it is finally here.  The day my baby girl starts dancing.  A part of me is sad that I wished for this day to hurry up because that means she is getting older.  But I know she is in amazing hands and will have tons of fun.  I pray she learns far more than dancing in these classes such as:

manners

how to meet new friends

patience

and most of all how to feel you are good at something solely because you enjoy it!!

I could not help myself last night as I got her dance bag ready for her to change clothes at daycare before being picked up.  I found myself writing her a little note just as my Mom used to do for me all the time.  I can remember loving the way it felt to find a little message tucked away in so many different places growing up.  I hope her heart was filled with happiness when she was read her own special note from me today. 



Time Stood Still

At that very moment,

time stood still.

And I never again 

questioned whether

love was real.

I had everything I needed.

I had proof.

I had far more than I ever deserved.

I had you!

Even if it was only for a little while. 

"You look sad today"

I'm sad everyday, I just didn't have the energy to hide it today. 

Monday Moments

The best memories are simple moments that happen unexpectedly.  I love seeing their faces light up when Pepa & Maw Maw make surprise visits.  

Family isn't 

just an important thing,

it's EVERYTHING!

Well Ain't That Some S**T

Wowzers today did not go as planned from the moment we woke up lol.  Like I have mentioned before Brent, my husband, works two jobs and is gone alot.  So that leaves me and the kids and as much as I try to have a schedule and agenda sometimes it just does not happen for me lol.  Well today was one of those days.  Within 5 minutes of Brent leaving this morning Leighton's sixth sense kicked in and she was at my bedside asking to snuggle.  The rule is if the sun is up she is allowed and the sun was up this time because it was 7 AM.  So I was happy to let her snuggle up next to me.  I glanced at the clock and remember saying to myself "now lets see how long Turtle (Jean Paul) lets us sleep in."  I had planned for us to wake up and go to 10 AM mass and then visit Bubba, as Leighton had been requesting.  So at 7:45 AM my eyes popped open and I knew it was time for me to shower if any of the plan was going to happen.  Shower... check!!!  And as we all know that is a huge accomplishment in itself.  A shower by yourself with no little people banging on the door or asking if you are done yet.  When I opened the bedroom door Leighton's eyes were open and she was smiling back at me.  Cue the melting heart!  In the sweetest little voice she asked me to snuggle with her more while watching cartoons.  Quick check on the monitor and surprisingly Jean Paul was still fast asleep.  SCORE!  So of course I put on some pajamas and climbed back in bed with her.  This all sounds smooth sailing so far doesn't it.  Yep it was, all except for the million and one equations I was doing in my head:

- how long has he been sleeping?

- he never sleeps this late should I wake him, What if something is wrong?

- what time do I need to wake him in order to bathe them both and be on time for mass?

- oh shoot bathe and feed them before mass (tack on 15 minutes)

- should I get up and dry my hair or just let it look a mess for church?

Well snuggles always veto how good my hair needs to look, especially for church (Jesus doesn't judge us RIGHT LOL)?  So around 8:45 AM rolls around and I decide to give Leighton her bath first and just let Jean Paul sleep in since I know he was up around midnight with Brent for a little bit.  Still all is going pretty good until I head to my room to start my makeup.  That's when I hear he is up over the monitor.  Leighton comes running in to inform me that brother is crying, she loves thinking she has saved the day.  I ask her to go in his room and tell him Mommy is coming and we are going to go to church.  Off she runs to his room.  As I follow a few seconds behind her I hear her saying "UMMMMM Mommy did you forget something?"  "Huh what do you mean silly?", I ask her.  Well that is where the morning took a nasty turn.  And I mean nasty.  There was my son standing in tears pointing at his diaper laying on the mattress.  And let me just say it was not a pee pee diaper, it was no where near just that.  As I got next to the crib I saw Poo everywhere and the little gel beads that make up the inside of a diaper.  Both were everywhere!!!!  I will save ya'll from a pic and let you just imagine it in your head LOL.  OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  Ok damage control mode let's get going.  I grabbed the wipes and tried to semi clean him before lifting him out the crib.  That was what I thought would work best, but Jean Paul didn't like that plan at all.  He was grabbing me and screaming "MOMMY" and trying to crawl out of the crib.  Gross this is not working.  Ok next idea.  I grabbed him and held him with my arms straight out and made a mad dash for the tub.  As he stood in the tub crying I turned on the water, which poor baby was cold at first and made him scream even more.  I tried the wipe method again while the tub began to warm up.  I needed to at least get the first layer of poop off before I let him sit in his bath in his own feces.  Meanwhile I am gagging through the whole process.  Why is teething poop so much stinkier???  I finally got him wiped off of all visible poo and now it was time to clean him with soap.  This whole time Leighton is being amazing and doing anything I ask of her.  She actually got him to stop crying while she sang the Wheels On The Bus to him.  So I then asked her to sit on Mommy's bath time stool and talk to him while I at least got his room in order.  The bathroom is directly next to their rooms so I knew it was safe.  It made me so happy to hear her playing the best big sister role.  Now for the Rank Room ughhhhh.  I immediately opened the window wondering if my sweet babies room would ever smell good again.  I slowly took everything out of his bed and made piles of stuffed animals and blankets so I could wash them appropriately.  For the sheet, this would be the hard part.  Because dang it those crib sheets are an act of Congress to get on  and when they are filled with poo and tiny poo filled diaper gels I knew it was going to be hard to get off easily.  I was just imagining everything I needed to stay contained in the center popping like pop corn all over the place as I removed the sheet.  I finally got it off with no further mess and headed straight outside to at least get what would come off outside done so I would not have to hand wash to much before throwing it in the washer.  After all of this I started the washer and headed to get my boy out the tub.  He was finally happy and smiling, but everything still stunk.  After I got him a fresh diaper and covered him in baby lotion I started cleaning his crib in case he had touched anything.  It was then when I was walking back and forth getting cleaning materials and essential oils that I bent down to help Jean Paul with something and still smelled the poo on him.  AHHHHHH ok back in the tub for you son.  So after 2 baths and 45 minutes of cleaning I had to admit to myself that church was not going to happen like I planned.  Alright everybody lets go!  I loaded them up and headed to McDonald's and then to see Bubba at the cemetery!  Praying that the time away would allow the smell to start to fade for when we returned.  So my friends I normally do not do well with things straying from my plan.  But there was not much I could do but compromise in this situation lol.  Needless to say Leighton thought this plan was magnificent as she told me on the way to visit Braxton.    Well her words exactly were "Old Mac Donald's is magnificent Mommy!'  And I could not lie, this unplanned adventure ended up being just what we needed.  We sang KLOVE songs in the car, got oversized drinks, had hash browns without waiting till we got to Bubba and had amazing weather for a perfect visit at the cemetery.  Now I will admit that the day still was a bit off due to the fact that Jean Paul was all into taking his diaper off and running bare bottom multiple times.  I literally would find a diaper and then see him just playing like nothing was wrong LOL.  But sometimes you need a little adventure to stir up your schedule.  And Jean Paul will be the one to stir up a bunch in the years to come, I can already see that LOUD AND CLEAR!!!!!

Can't help but think our Angel had a hand in our morning adventure!!!

It's That Time Of Year

This time of year is so very special to me and my family!  It's Maddie's Footprints Annual Walk time!  The support we received from Maddie's Footprints was and still is beyond amazing.  I truly do not know what we would of done without them.  The other families we have met through this organization have become our family as well.  Equally the amount of support we get each year from our family and friends for Team Braxton Michael means the world to us.  We have been blessed each year with outpouring of love on this special day that honors all the babies gone too soon.  We have been honored to share our story at the walk as well as see others come together as a community to share what used to be the unspoken topic..... Child loss, miscarriage, stillborn and infant loss!  Each year we pick a fun theme and go all out.  My amazing friend Abby Conques always does an amazing job with our tshirts and she never ceases to wow me!!  Then of course I love handling all the fun details for our team members which always includes a Team Picnic after the walk to optimize the time we are all together!  We would love anyone and everyone to join us for our 5th year walking for our sweet angel Braxton!  Details are below and as always we have a cute theme and shirt ready to order!

Braxton Bergeron.........Our Angel In The Outfield

Well it's time to lace up our tennis shoes and walk for all the Angel Babies gone to soon!

TEAM BRAXTON MICHAEL IS READY FOR YOU TO JOIN OUR TEAM!!!
  

 Please click this link to sign up for the race:  

BE SURE TO CHOOSE TEAM BRAXTON MICHAEL

https://runsignup.com/Race/Register/?raceId=48924#register


Please click this link to donate to our Team Fundraiser:

https://runsignup.com/TEAMBRAXTONMICHAEL

Our Team theme this year is Baseball and our sweet Braxton is and will always be:
            "OUR ANGEL IN THE OUTFIELD"

Tshirts for our team are $12 and available by emailing:
teambraxtonmichael@yahoo.com