Packing Is So Much Fun (Said No One)

So packing for a trip is one of my least favorite things to do.  You see my ADD & OCD brain seriously collides during this process.  And this was bad when I only had to pack for myself back in the day.  Now I have to pack for me, Leighton & Jean Paul, I draw the line at packing for Brent lol. 

Three major things you must know about me when I pack:

1)  I am that girl who swears every year that she is not going to over pack.

2)  I am also that girl that insists on having everything washed before I begin.

3)  I am also that girl who somehow waits till the very night before to truly start packing.

Ok so I'm sure lots of us swear we will not over pack.  But I honestly do it every single stinking year.  Like when we load the car Brent is like ummmm how long are staying???  But I remind him every year have we ever forgotten something LOL?  Bam take that.  No but why does this happen like clockwork each time we go somewhere.  Especially when we are headed to the beach.  You literally need a couple outfits, bathing suits, towels and a few shoes.  Every time we get there I never ever wear all the outfits I have packed, because we do not go to many places that bathing suits aren't the attire.  Oh and don't think I can coordinate only bringing outfits that would let me wear the same shoe over and over, because that's to easy Right??  But this is the year I am going to do it I promise!!!  

And I must also let you know we have a good size SUV and we may or may not of had to purchase a hard top luggage carrier for our car last year in order to bring what I packed OOPS!!!

Now I mentioned that I have to have everything washed before I begin.  Well I do not mean everything I am going to pack for the trip.  I literally mean EVERYTHING we own in the entire house that's clothing.  I don't know why this is a must for me.  But I don't want to miss any cute options for the kids or me for that matter.  And if I can't see it how will I know what to pack LOL.  So yes I wash everything we own and lay it out in cute little piles to figure out what is what.  Then I lay it out for each day we will be there and check it off my list.  Are you tired yet ?

And for this step I must let you know that I may or may not have to also iron it all too OOPS!!!

And lastly with all of those steps and lists to check off you would think I would begin this whole process at least a good week before we leave or at the worst a few days.  NOPE not this chick.  Every year I have wonderful plans and goals of doing that and being ready to go the morning of with no last minute packing.  But I always seem to be up till midnight or later because I procrastinated soooooo much.  But I do usually have my list made out for the final draft by this time at least, but I can guarantee you nothing is checked off yet.

And here is a good time to let you know... that I truthfully may or may not be capable of beginning these steps on the final night before we leave without a glass or two of wine while I work OOPS!!!

BUT MARK MY WORDS THIS IS THE YEAR I DO IT ALL AND HAVE TIME TO SPARE.  We are planning to leave on Sunday, but if weather allows Brent to get in all of his grass cutting work we may take off Friday for a little more vacation time.  So I sit here tonight 4 possibly 6 nights prior to departure and I am proud to say I have all of Brent & I's clothes washed and dried and the kids are getting started now!  All bathing suits are in their cute little beach piles (with matching bows or hats).  And at this point no wine has been consumed..... YET!!!

So wish me luck this may be my year!

Cousins

Treasure your cousins, 

they were your first friends and will love you forever. 

Cousins are those childhood playmates who grow up to be forever friends. 

Cousin to cousin we'll always be, 

Special friends from the same family tree. 

A cousin is a ready-made friend for life.

PS.  An orange butterfly hung around them the whole time and they all decided it was Braxton joining in on the cousin fun!  Christopher even asked Poppa if Braxton butterfly was from Louisiana lol.  And I heard Poppa tell him Braxton is everywhere we are.  My heart couldn't of been more full in that moment.  I had to hold back the tears, and this time they were happy tears.

Weekends Are For Dance Parties

I've always heard that having kids in the house is like having 24 hour free entertainment!  Well it's true!  And I LOVE it!  This sound of laughter and young giggles is like medicine to my soul.  A lot of people have asked me how I got through the days after Braxton passed away?  I honestly can not give a true and straight forward answer to that.  But there is one thing that still haunts me.....  It's the silence.  The silence was by far one of the hardest parts.  And I think it was so hard because I knew the silence was not supposed to be there.  We were supposed to be having sleepless nights, cries, feedings, crankiness and giggles. There were sleepless nights, and cries but from me but still no giggles.  So now more than ever when I absolutely want to go crazy because there has not been any quiet time in our house I can't help but stop and giggle.  These are the things I prayed and wished for most!  And to me the more giggles the merrier, which means the more people surrounding us the better.  So it's a thing in our neighborhood to pour the moms some wine, let the kids dress up, turn up the music and one by one introduce them into the living room for a dance party!  And boy are there lots of giggles!!!!  The moms usually try and take over the dance floor which ends up leading to way more giggles!!!!  

Weekly Visit

Had my weekly visit with my sweet boy today!  
Nothing makes me feel better!

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,

she never did before.

But from now until she dies,

she'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is

and because she can't explain.

She will tell a little lie

because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,

she'll say "I'm alright."

If that's the truth, then tell me,

why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,

she seems to cope so well.

She didn't have a choice you see,

nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,

"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."

For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth,

just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,

I loved her all of mine.

But if you ask her how she is,

she'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven.

I cannot hug from here.

If she lies to you don't listen,

Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,

We'll smile and I'll be bold.

I'll say.  "You're lucky to get in here, Mom,

with all the lies you told!"

Tired Mom Mishaps

It's 6:00 AM and I reach down into my cabinet below my bathroom sink to pull out my hair product.  Give one pump, rub my hands together and run it through my hair basically all the while my eyes are almost still closed.  As a working Mother of two kids under the age of 3 and a husband who works 2 jobs and gets home by 9:00 PM at the earliest every night.  I am tired.  No let me rephrase that I am exhausted lol.  Like to the point of no catching up on sleep now, I am far past that point!  So my shower is usually with me half asleep and getting ready is like a robot routine.  This morning was no different, but as I reached down to put the cap back on my hair product I noticed what I had done!!!  NOOOOOOO wait why is the cap off the foaming sunles tanner?  I quickly look at my hands that are now a tint of a shade darker than they were a few minutes ago!  Crap well no time to re-shower at least it smells good.  They both are foam products in my defense but come on Sarah!  So yes if you saw me today and my hair looked a little darker, it was tanned!  Sorry like I said I am tired and honestly a part of me didn’t care if I had tanner in my hair.  My kids were happy this morning even though the amount of times they decided to wake us up last night was extreme.  They looked adorable as usual in my eyes and I wasn’t late to work.  So all in all a great morning!  But I do think it is time to separate my hair products from my beauty products LOL! 

Waiting On Braxton (Post 1)

Waiting On Braxton (Post 1)

3/29/2012

Actual Journal Entry by Sarah Bergeron written on Caring Bridge to keep family & friends informed of Dr visits

The 20 week ultrasound was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives, this day quickly turned to lots of worrying and heartache.  Our Dr informed us that our baby was right on track in size and measurements of the head and body, yet he was not happy with the extremities/long bones.  He stated he would like for us to see a specialist to make sure everything is OK.  The mood in the room quickly changed from the excitement of finding out the gender, to our greatest fears becoming our reality.  We still asked them to put the sex of our sweet baby in a sealed envelope since we were planning a reveal party with our family that night.  Immediately after we left all we could do was cry, hug and pray that the specialist would tell us good news.  We also attended noon mass and prayed for guidance.   That evening as planned we had our reveal party where we learned we were the parents to a little BOY!!!  The thought of worry never left us but we kept up hope.  We will pray each and every day for a miracle and for the guidance to get us through this journey that God has placed in our path.  We know our baby boy is ours for a reason and we will love him more and more each day.  We are taking each day Braxton is still with us as a gift.  We are very blessed to have the love and support of so many wonderful family members and friends who will get us through one day at a time.

Dear My Sweet Boy,

Tonight Mommy & Daddy were so happy to throw you a party.  We got to be around family and friends.  We were smiling on the outside, but inside we were worrying about you so much.  We promise to do everything we can to keep you safe.  We do not know what will happen next, but we do know we love you more than anything in the world.  And we already know your name....

Braxton Michael Bergeron

My Reflection Looking Back Now:

- 20 weeks pregnant 

- half way there- boy or girl?

- how much bigger will I get?

- should we cook crawfish étouffée or order pizza tonight

  for the gender reveal party?

These were some of the thoughts racing through my head as Brent and I sat in the waiting room waiting for our 20 week ultrasound. Now looking back, how naive was I. The tech took us back and began the ultrasound.

-Ahhhhh I hear the heart ✅ 

-Five fingers five toes ✅ 

-Diaphragm moving up and down ✅

-Kidneys ✅ 

-Stomach has fluid in it ✅ 

-Measurements......... Silence. 

This is where our easy/normal pregnancy became something more than we could over ever imagined!!!!

The tech quickly exited the room and went to get my Dr. I vividly remember looking over at my husband and saying "something is wrong." He quickly told me I worry to much and she was probably just finished with her part of the scan and it's time for the Dr to come in. Wanting to scream at him that he was wrong I just sat there and told myself to calm down. I remember my Dr coming in and viewing the screen and taking a few measurements then calmly telling me a few things were concerning??? And then the numbness set in.

I don't recall much after that. Next thing that I truly remember is sitting in my car. Brent had walked me to it and made sure I was semi OK and hurried to work to inform them that he would need a couple days off for us to see specialists and see what was what. I just sat there numb. Who do I call, where do I go, how am I supposed to just wait around and I don't even know what's going on??????

Next thing I heard was my Moms voice. "Daddy is on his way." I must of called her I thought as my mind raced but my body was unable to move.  Of course I did she is my person, she is the one person I tell everything good or bad.  So of course I called her, I kept telling myself that because I honestly just wanted her to come get me and hold me.  My Dad pulled up and immediately was in my car and I lost it and was sobbing in his arms. I couldn't hold it in anymore. The questions were flying and I didn't know what to tell him because I didn't even understand what was going on. I recalled them saying his legs and spine weren't measuring correctly but that's all I could remember. The numbness somehow how had taken over and I couldn't focus enough to pay attention to what the Dr had told me. At that moment my phone rings and I couldn't even move to answer it. My dad answered it and this is what I heard. "Hello, this is her Father. TWO WEEKS? No that is not acceptable we need to see the specialist today or tomorrow. We will not put my daughter through 2 weeks of unnecessary worry." As he hung up he said you have an appointment tomorrow morning and then you will have answers!  You see I am a Daddy's girl to the core and all my life he has taken care of me and my family.  He has been my super hero for as long as I could remember.  To the point of when I got married and vented to my Mom about marriage issues I had an unrealistic view of a husband lol.  She has always laughed since then and told me "Of course you thought we were perfect, we are your parents we never wanted you to see anything but happiness!"  But no matter what I thought he was capable of as a husband he always exceeded my expectations as a Father and still does today! I could of never imagined the pain that my Mom & Dad were about to go through as we started this journey, because you see there are some things that can not be fixed even with the greatest amount of love.  They just can't and now more than ever I understand how it feels to be a parent that can't fix the heartache or take away the pain that your child is feeling.  

So in that moment I truly believed him when he said that tomorrow we would have answers. But little did I know we may not ever get the answers we were hoping for, that we needed or that we wanted! The numbness I felt that day still hits me at times. I can be going about my life, raising the 2 healthy babies I've had since Braxton and it just hits me. I'm motionless and numb. I have to remind myself that this is my life. Because from 20 weeks pregnant till after my sweet baby went to heaven is a blur. How did I function in that time? How did I survive? How did I make it through? I still don't know the answers to those questions. The only thing that I can say is my undying faith, my undying hope and my undying love for my child and in God is what got me through.

When someone tells you that numbness is a feeling please believe them because it is real. I now believe it was my breaking heart telling my body to go numb in order for me not to completely go crazy. The blank stare I had from then on was not because I didn't care... It was because I cared so much but was Numb 

That night we had our gender reveal which I somewhat remember.  I can remember trying to smile and also trying to not show how scared I was.  All I knew was that I was finally getting to be a Mother.  Something I have wanted from as far back as I can remember.  It was who I was supposed to be and all I ever wanted in life.  And for now I felt like all the trying, all of the waiting and the joy of being pregnant may be taken away from me.  Brent and I had experienced a very hard time in our marriage leading up to our pregnancy.  To the point of us practically separating because we did not know if we were meant to be.  After many tears and painful words exchanged to each other we decided to give ourselves one more chance.  Not long after that we became pregnant with Braxton.  So immediately I was confused and worried what God was trying to tell me.

 That night after everyone left my phone rang.  It was my OB Dr.  He very calmly began to tell me that once we left his office he looked at our scans again.  He explained that he truly thought the ultrasound showed evidence of Braxton being a little person/Dwarf.  I will never forget what came out of Brent's mouth next.  "Oh that's fine Dr Bourque that is fine."  While I watched him slowly tear up and grab my hand and squeeze it as to say, It's OK it's going to be OK.  This moved me more than I think he will ever know or more than I have ever admitted to him.  I know in my heart Brent is a kind and gentle person, but he is also quiet, timid and rough around the edges.  And with that being said he is also a man, a man who has always wanted a son to play sports like he did.  So to hear him verbally state he was OK with our baby having any sort of handicap as long as he could live and function (even if it was in his own way with mind and body) was so comforting.  In that moment he became a Father, and it was the start of him understanding that the little things we always wanted were not as important as the big picture.  We were united for once in our marriage and it felt good to feel like a team.  This would be the first of many times my husband surprised me with the words he spoke on Braxton's and my behalf along our journey!  A journey that was ours and we were excepting as God's plan.

So that night I do not know if either of us slept as we prepared for our specialist visit the next day.  I wanted more than ever for today to just be a nightmare that we would wake up from when the specialist would clear everything all up.  Even though I prayed for answers that night, the things we were about to be told were by far the farthest from what we wanted to hear.  But from that night forward the WAITING began and none of us knew the journey we were about to begin, the journey that would change our lives forever!  This would be Our Story!

If I told you my story

You would hear hope that wouldn't let go
If I told you my story
You would hear love that never gave up
If I told you my story
You would hear life but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
To tell you my story is to tell of Him

If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
If told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
If I told you my story
You would hear life overcome the grave

If I should speak then let it be

This is my story this is my song praising my Savior all the day long

😥

I Trust You Lord

"And when a sickness takes my child away
And there's nothing I can do
My only hope is to trust You
I trust You LORD"

 I still struggle with the best day of my life also being the hardest day of my life.  As August begins I can feel the emotions resurfacing.  This is Braxton's birth month.  And it does not get any easier as each year passes.  The only thing that has proved to be true for my sanity is allowing myself to trust the Lord.  And that has not been easy, in fact it has been down right the hardest thing I have ever done and still do as each day goes by.  Many days I almost gave up, but Braxton pushes me to keep going.  So slowly I will need to put our journey into words.  I know in my heart it is what I need to allow myself to take a step in my healing process.  I have known for a long time that I needed to do this for me, for my family and for one day my kids to have.  And most importantly I promised Braxton on his special day that his story would be told and if it only reached one person that needed it then that was worth it.  I pray that as I begin to share our most precious moments that we are not judged.  Even though everyone has their opinions in life, and boy have we been given them (even if we never asked for them lol), this is still our story and opinions can hurt.  Words and unspoken judgement can hurt more than some know.  And after all we have been through we ask that you please consider our feelings when reading or simply don't read.  The choices we have had to make were never easy and always were given much love and prayer as we took each step.  And believe me there were a lot of choices no parent should ever have to face, but when a parent does face them all you can do is trust in the Lord.  I am planning to tell our journey in parts to allow myself time to reflect on each entry and not to do it all at once to overwhelm myself either.  This has been on my heart for some time and once again I am putting my thoughts and feelings in the trust of the Lord to guide me as I open up.  And though I know our story is not over until we meet again, it is time to start where I began to see life for what it truly is....  Borrowed Time.