A Mother’s Cry

As I reflect on this past weekend at our Hope & Healing Retreat I find tears rolling down my face again.  The time we spent alone with other families like us is irreplaceable.  The moment we got there we were welcomed with hugs from some we knew and other new friends in this horrible club that no one wants to ever be in... The Grieving Mother’s and Father’s Club.  Although our stories are all different they still are all very similar too.  We discussed some of the raw details of our journey, things that trigger us, the negative way our minds haunt us daily, the guilt, fear and emptiness we have, we asked the why me’s and the what if’s, learned it is ok to say no to things we are unable to give our energy to, ways to allow others in and most importantly was to listen without feeling the need to still try and fix what has happened to us.  And by the end of the weekend we all took away ways to turn our babies lives into true love stories instead of ones ending in tragic loss.  I can’t stop thinking of how I sat there and heard some of the same exact things from others that I struggle with.  And then in the same moment I ached seeing others in the true raw phase of their journey where we were a few years ago struggling to get through the days filled with crippling grief.  I remember those days all to well.  Brent and I shared that after 6 years we have learned the gaps between the days we are unable to function due to heartache still attack us; yet they attack us with more space between each one.  And although sometimes it may appear that after 6 years we have this grief thing figured out, we truly don’t.  Because some days it feels more like I’m drowning than actually moving forward... and that’s ok to have those days.  There were many moments of clarity, moments of feeling valued, moments of admitting I am worthy of love and happiness, moments of self pity followed by extreme moments of gratefulness and peace!  But the moment that grabbed me the most was something that happened near the end of our retreat.  As we wrote a letter of appreciation to our ourselves followed by a letter to someone who has helped us I heard a loud cry.  A cry that makes your heart break instantly.  It was a Mother’s gut wrenching cry that I know all to well.  It is a cry you never want to witness.  As I sat there sobbing I could see the flashback of Braxton’s last breath being taken 6 years ago.  It was as if I was outside of my body once again watching someone else lying in that hospital bed cradling her sweet baby boy sobbing that cry that only a grieving Mother knows.  The one that has you unable to move, to comprehend and mostly unable to let your baby be taken from your arms.  I was brought back to a place of more than heartache it was a place of complete brokenness, but sadly it’s a place no Mother Of Loss is ever able to escape.  

This cry was coming today from someone I considered a friend the moment I met her just two days before.  

She was the first person I sat with for dinner that night, because she is someone I was drawn too.

She is someone I admire more than I think she will ever understand.

She is someone that deserves all the happiness in the world.

She is someone that is a Mother to earthly blessings and a Mother to a sweet boy in heaven, but stuck trying to figure out how to be happy and sad at the same time like me.

I pray she knows she is someone special to me!

As I lay here thinking of each and every person I was honored to be with this weekend I am feeling beyond blessed.  These people are Brent and I’s army.  Our army who gets it and the same ones who we can count on when we need to scream, cry, laugh and talk comfortably about our journey.  I vowed to myself this weekend that my form of self care will be to allow myself to be with these amazing people  more.  It is something I always enjoy; yet I push away at the same time because I somehow think others view me as weak when I admit I need them.  Braxton knew I needed this getaway and I can not wait for the next one.  Think about it what Mom do you know that doesn’t like to brag about their child?  Our children may be angels but we like to brag and talk about them too.  And if I may tell the truth for a second...

It felt damn good to say Braxton’s name all weekend long as much as it felt good to hear the names of the sweet babies up there with him till I get there one day!

Healing & Hope Retreat

Blogging a little early tonight to ask a favor!  It would mean so much to me if you could please keep Brent and I; along with the other Angel parents here, in your thoughts and prayers this weekend.  We are beyond blessed to be attending a Healing & Hope Retreat with our amazing support group Maddie’s Footprints.  We will be guided by April Boyd, a professional therapist and founder of The Love & Loss Project.  She has helped multiple families across the globe through specialized  healing, specifically focused on infant  and child loss.  Sadly she knows the process all too well, her daughter Nora gained her angel wings as a newborn.  I’m excited, nervous and a little scared of the emotions that may arise this weekend, but I also know it is needed.  I’m hoping to reconnect with Brent and be able to explain to him how hard my grief journey still is even after 6 years.  I also am looking forward to being surrounded/supported by other families who truly understand the pain in my heart.  So until Sunday friends please send us good vibes.  We couldn’t head out on the 2 hour drive for the retreat without a visit to our sweet boy.  Then it rained the entire way here; literally we had emergency flashers on, until the moment we parked at the camp ground... the sun beamed through the clouds as of all the angel babies were rejoicing in what was going to take place here this weekend!

Religion 101 While Potty Training

So when others have told me boys are way harder to potty train than girls I really didn’t believe them.  Welllllllllllllll I do now.  This little hard headed boy has no desire, want or slight interest in potty training.  No bribe, treat or toy will even persuade him to even try it lol.  Sunday we set the timer all day and wore big boy undies too.  

The outcome was:

8 pairs of undies = 8 accidents 

Timer every 17 minutes = 0 drops of pee pee in my toilet (but multiple puddles all over my house lol)

Extended time in the bathroom = Multiple lectures and stories from Leighton on how to potty

As Leighton tried turning on the water to help him have the urge to go, read him stories while he sat, sang Old McDonald a hundred times and even a few life lessons mixed in there I heard her tell him this...

“Jean Paul did you know at big girl school I leaned about God and Mrs Abshire teaches me lots of stuff?  Well she said that you can pray to God anywhere you want to because he is everywhere.  Yep it’s true so you can pray on the potty to God if you want him to help you buddy!!!”

Of course I was laughing when I heard this, but she has been so focused on learning you can pray anywhere.  The first day she told me this she was so excited to tell me she prayed on the toilet to see if Mrs Abshire was right about being able to pray anywhere.  And when I asked her if she was right she giggled and said “yep she sure is”  Inside I was thinking well in our house the bathroom is the place where you can probably get the most quite time to pray lol!!!!  Oh the way kids interpret things!!!!

Bubba We Miss You

Sometimes snuggling up and looking at pictures of Bubba are just what we all need.  It never ceases to amaze me how much they want to know their sweet brother in heaven.  I will never hide his existence from them.  The unique bond they have with him makes the pain a lot easier most days!!

When we want to smile,

we know exactly what to do.

We just close our eyes 

and we think of you!

Mommy Award Goes To... Not Me Today LOL

So today was a big day for Leighton Rose!  Today was the today she was testing Mommy on trying to make drop off go the same exact way Daddy does it and her first day of dancing this season! 

 Literally she has been prepping me all weekend telling me how Daddy does drop off to the tee. 

1) He gets to school when there are only a few cars in line.

(Meaning: He is there early lol... not late!)

2) He arrives at school when it is closed which she says means she gets to climb in the front seat.

(Meaning: He gets there early lol!)

3) He puts a towel in the middle to make a table for her to eat her breakfast while they wait for school to open.  He brings her a juice, a plate and a napkin.

(Meaning: He spoils her and a poptart out the wrapper in her car seat isn’t going to cut it!)

4) He gives her her booksack after they make the big turn to get in the actual drop off line.

(Meaning: She expects the timing to be right like his!)

5) He says have a good day and give me a kiss before they open the door to help her out.

(Meaning: She doesn’t want to be bothered when it’s time to get out... she has to get to the playground lol!)

And I’m happy to report I passed the test!  She did tell me we could still play the Good Morning song by Mandesa that we sing and dance to every morning.

(Meaning: I am at least doing something right with my drop off routine that brings her a smile in the morning.  And I expect Daddy to master the dance moves and energy I put into that song next time he does drop off lol!)

The second thing that was a big deal today was dancing!!!!  This girl dances everyday and wants to practice nonstop.  She has been even sleeping in her leotards lately because she wants to wear one every second she can.  I’m pretty sure she has asked almost every day since her Dance Revue when it was time to go back.  So of course since I knew she was excited to start I was excited.  So we have been counting down for weeks.  I woke her up saying, “It’s dancing day!!!!!!!”  She popped out of bed so excited to start the day because she knew after school she got to go to dancing class!

Welllllllll you see what happened next was???????

Yeah the parking lot was completely empty.

The door was locked.

And a sign on the door basically confirmed it doesn’t start till next week!!!!!!!!!

This Mom is tired y’all, but I still usually manage to keep us somewhat organized.  And by that I mean/admit we may be really tired but on the outside we look prepared because Mommy stayed up past midnight to make sure everything was perfect and ready to go lol!  Well I must say I forfeit this time, I didn’t win this round lol.  Luckily Maw Maw and Pepa treated her to dinner to help ease the tears and let down Mommy had caused.  Secretly I know my mom was laughing so hard inside because she knows each day I am slowly becoming more and more like her lol!!!

So the count down has begun again...

7 days till dancing starts lol!!!!

It’s Our Favorite Season Of The Year

These Cajun cuties couldn’t wait for b-ball season to get here!!!  They love being out there tailgating and cheering on the cajuns.  Leighton even taught Jean Paul to cheer... Ragin Cajuns Go UL!!!!  We almost had to stay home because of the rain but thankfully it held of enough for us to get out there because Leighton was not prepared to miss it lol.  She has it in her blood the most, but in her defense she has been there since she was born!  I love being able to spend time with my family for UL events!  So here’s to kicking off another amazing season with my Cajun family!!!!!

Mommy Time

After a busy family weekend I can’t think of a better way to spend my night... snuggled up with these two for a movie and slumber party night in Mommy’s bed!!!!  Daddy is away for the night so spoiled rotten is what is happening over here lol.  It is exactly what I needed for my soul to recharge!  Even when they push me to my crazy limit I still love them more than I did the day before, and even when I think I need a Mommy break I can’t seem to make myself take one.  All because I love being with them.  They are growing so fast and it seems like each stage gets better and better.  I miss them being tiny babies but I am enjoying every stage of watching them grow.  And right now slumber parties and time with Mommy is super cool and tons of fun to them so I am going to soak it all up!!!