First Day Of Kindergarten In Heaven

So many firsts,

so many what ifs,

so many whys,

so many crushed dreams,

so many tears.

The list could go on and on.  But then I would completely drive myself crazy.  I try each day to live with peace and hapiness for the blessings I have been given.  And as hard as it is to understand sometimes even the greatest tragedies turn out to be the greatest blessings.  I am only human at the end of the day though, and some days I fall.  Last night was one of those days or moments.

I had honestly done well with the start of the school year approaching this year.  Leighton & Jean Paul are still to young for grade school so no big planning needed to take place in our home.  But last night as I was laying out the kids clothes for daycare it hit me.  I lost it.  This was what I call me falling.  I fell from the happy place I try to exist these days and allowed myself to feel the pain of what has happened to my family and the pain of what was stolen from us too.   And honestly no matter what anyone thinks it is ok to fall.  We can not hold it together all the time, especially not grieving mothers.  The tears started pouring as I became frozen.  Unable to move physically because I was crying so hard my mind kept racing.  

It's not fair.

I should be ironing that little boys uniform for his first day of Kindergarten tommorrow.

What would you look like?

I should be getting a cute sign ready for him to hold for that annual first day of school pic.

What would you be interested in?

Would you be a tad bit scared for tommorrow or ready to jump right in?

Who would you be hoping was in your class this year?

What would your teachers name be?

How would we handle two different drop off locations and pickups?

How did this happen?

Why do I have to go through this?

So last night I went to bed crushed with what could of and what should of been for us tomorrow.  It was a very restless night for me, but this happens all the time for the many "firsts" we should be experiencing.  Somehow I did sleep some but I was very worried with how I was going to hide my tears and heartache the next day.

Flash forward to today!  2017 Braxton's first day of Kindergarten in Heaven!!!

Being that I could not sleep well I was up early and with a new sense of peace mixed in with my sadness that is to be expected.  My Mom always made a huge deal about the first day of school breakfast.  It had to be wonderful because it was a very special day!  So that's what I was going to do too!  So by the time the Leighton & Jean Paul were waking up our house smelled like bacon and waffles (it was all we truly had in the breakfast department lol).  But it didn't matter it was not our normal routine so to them it was fun and exciting!  I told them what a special day today was in heaven for Bubba!  Leighton had a ton of questions and Jean Paul just kept wanting more food!  Leighton actually remembered us bringing him a balloon and chalkboard last year for his first day of Pre-K which made me beam with pride.  She quickly started planning what kind of balloon he would get today.  So off to daycare they went and off to work I went with a smile and a plan to get him a blue balloon like his sister requested for his special day!!!!  On the way to work I recieved a few messages from friends and family who knew that today was one of those hard days for me.  But what I read on my text messages were more than I could of ever asked for.  They were two different ways to view today from how I was viewing it.

The messages read:

1)  What a big day for a special little boy as he starts Kindergarten in Heaven.  It fills my heart with so much joy knowing he is in the presence of Jesus the greatest teacher of all.  

2)  I bet someone else is having breakfast getting ready for their first day of the school year at Sts Peter & Paul too, maybe even 2 all because of your Braxton Scholarship Fund.  I am sure Braxton knows who they are and is with them today.

I could not hold back the tears.  But this time they were tears of true honor.  I felt so proud of my Angel!  What an amazing way to look at today.  And Jesus is with the greatest teacher of all and that means so much to me knowing he is with him.  Then I was so moved by the vision of the students we are able to help with our fundraiser in honor of Braxton.  Those students are getting support in the best way ever, in our sons honor and recieving a great education.  Without all the help we get from our family and friends we could not honor our sweet boy with our Scholarship Assistance Fundraiser at the very school we dreamed he would go too.  Wow what amazing visions I had now!!!!

At lunch I ran to the store and found the perfect blue heart balloon that read.....You Are Special!  After work I rushed to get my babies to visit Braxton and bring him his annual balloon for his first day of Kindergarten.  While we were there Jean Paul brought him a flash card and Leighton decided she wanted to sing him a song.  When she started singing The Wheels On The Bus my heart was beaming.  I thought it was the perfect selection for the occasion.  When our visit was over we loaded into the car and headed to "Old McDonalds" to top of our celebration.  That is where I learned how Braxton's first day of school really went per Leighton!

His teachers name is:  Mrs Kelly

For play time he:  was on the swing the whole time

For lunch he had: corndog and coopalls (which as i learned today is big boy food)

On the way home Leighton asked me if he would still be going to Tricia's (daycare) to see her still??  Of course he will baby, he is with us wherever we are!  I could not of asked for a better First Day of Kindergarten In Heaven celebration if I had planned it out myself!

Then I Have Made My Mark

...and "If the essence of my being has caused a smile upon your face or a touch of joy within your heart.  Then in living - I have made my mark."

Perfect To Us

Phew this afternoon was all about whining and crying at our house.  Felt like nothing I did was right, even down to putting Leighton's shirt on to go outside on backwards lol.  It was just one of those days.  Kept trying to figure out what I could do to settle them and make them happy.  At one point we went outside which is usually an instant happy place.  But even that was not it.  I looked over at my babies by Braxton's flag for Osteogenesis Imperfecta awareness and it hit me...  this month is hard for all of us.  Even though they never met their brother 5 years ago I know they know him very well.  And so I said "Do ya'll want to hear the story of the day Bubba was born?"  Yes Yes Yes I heard from Leighton.  You see they are to young to hear the long version of that perfect day, but the short one pleases them just fine.  And every time I tell it I say how God needed him more because he was a perfect angel!  "And perfect to us Mommy" Leighton said in the sweetest little voice.  As Jean Paul just kept repeating "Bubba Bubba" while he pointed his chubby little finger to the sky.  Instant pride and joy came over me and a few tears that I had to wipe away before they caught me.  All I could say was "Yes he was PERFECT to us, Yes he was!!!!"

Packing Is So Much Fun (Said No One)

So packing for a trip is one of my least favorite things to do.  You see my ADD & OCD brain seriously collides during this process.  And this was bad when I only had to pack for myself back in the day.  Now I have to pack for me, Leighton & Jean Paul, I draw the line at packing for Brent lol. 

Three major things you must know about me when I pack:

1)  I am that girl who swears every year that she is not going to over pack.

2)  I am also that girl that insists on having everything washed before I begin.

3)  I am also that girl who somehow waits till the very night before to truly start packing.

Ok so I'm sure lots of us swear we will not over pack.  But I honestly do it every single stinking year.  Like when we load the car Brent is like ummmm how long are staying???  But I remind him every year have we ever forgotten something LOL?  Bam take that.  No but why does this happen like clockwork each time we go somewhere.  Especially when we are headed to the beach.  You literally need a couple outfits, bathing suits, towels and a few shoes.  Every time we get there I never ever wear all the outfits I have packed, because we do not go to many places that bathing suits aren't the attire.  Oh and don't think I can coordinate only bringing outfits that would let me wear the same shoe over and over, because that's to easy Right??  But this is the year I am going to do it I promise!!!  

And I must also let you know we have a good size SUV and we may or may not of had to purchase a hard top luggage carrier for our car last year in order to bring what I packed OOPS!!!

Now I mentioned that I have to have everything washed before I begin.  Well I do not mean everything I am going to pack for the trip.  I literally mean EVERYTHING we own in the entire house that's clothing.  I don't know why this is a must for me.  But I don't want to miss any cute options for the kids or me for that matter.  And if I can't see it how will I know what to pack LOL.  So yes I wash everything we own and lay it out in cute little piles to figure out what is what.  Then I lay it out for each day we will be there and check it off my list.  Are you tired yet ?

And for this step I must let you know that I may or may not have to also iron it all too OOPS!!!

And lastly with all of those steps and lists to check off you would think I would begin this whole process at least a good week before we leave or at the worst a few days.  NOPE not this chick.  Every year I have wonderful plans and goals of doing that and being ready to go the morning of with no last minute packing.  But I always seem to be up till midnight or later because I procrastinated soooooo much.  But I do usually have my list made out for the final draft by this time at least, but I can guarantee you nothing is checked off yet.

And here is a good time to let you know... that I truthfully may or may not be capable of beginning these steps on the final night before we leave without a glass or two of wine while I work OOPS!!!

BUT MARK MY WORDS THIS IS THE YEAR I DO IT ALL AND HAVE TIME TO SPARE.  We are planning to leave on Sunday, but if weather allows Brent to get in all of his grass cutting work we may take off Friday for a little more vacation time.  So I sit here tonight 4 possibly 6 nights prior to departure and I am proud to say I have all of Brent & I's clothes washed and dried and the kids are getting started now!  All bathing suits are in their cute little beach piles (with matching bows or hats).  And at this point no wine has been consumed..... YET!!!

So wish me luck this may be my year!

Cousins

Treasure your cousins, 

they were your first friends and will love you forever. 

Cousins are those childhood playmates who grow up to be forever friends. 

Cousin to cousin we'll always be, 

Special friends from the same family tree. 

A cousin is a ready-made friend for life.

PS.  An orange butterfly hung around them the whole time and they all decided it was Braxton joining in on the cousin fun!  Christopher even asked Poppa if Braxton butterfly was from Louisiana lol.  And I heard Poppa tell him Braxton is everywhere we are.  My heart couldn't of been more full in that moment.  I had to hold back the tears, and this time they were happy tears.

Weekends Are For Dance Parties

I've always heard that having kids in the house is like having 24 hour free entertainment!  Well it's true!  And I LOVE it!  This sound of laughter and young giggles is like medicine to my soul.  A lot of people have asked me how I got through the days after Braxton passed away?  I honestly can not give a true and straight forward answer to that.  But there is one thing that still haunts me.....  It's the silence.  The silence was by far one of the hardest parts.  And I think it was so hard because I knew the silence was not supposed to be there.  We were supposed to be having sleepless nights, cries, feedings, crankiness and giggles. There were sleepless nights, and cries but from me but still no giggles.  So now more than ever when I absolutely want to go crazy because there has not been any quiet time in our house I can't help but stop and giggle.  These are the things I prayed and wished for most!  And to me the more giggles the merrier, which means the more people surrounding us the better.  So it's a thing in our neighborhood to pour the moms some wine, let the kids dress up, turn up the music and one by one introduce them into the living room for a dance party!  And boy are there lots of giggles!!!!  The moms usually try and take over the dance floor which ends up leading to way more giggles!!!!  

Weekly Visit

Had my weekly visit with my sweet boy today!  
Nothing makes me feel better!

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,

she never did before.

But from now until she dies,

she'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is

and because she can't explain.

She will tell a little lie

because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,

she'll say "I'm alright."

If that's the truth, then tell me,

why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,

she seems to cope so well.

She didn't have a choice you see,

nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,

"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."

For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth,

just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,

I loved her all of mine.

But if you ask her how she is,

she'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven.

I cannot hug from here.

If she lies to you don't listen,

Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,

We'll smile and I'll be bold.

I'll say.  "You're lucky to get in here, Mom,

with all the lies you told!"