Heavens Address

The scariest thing I think I have learned about grief is how it can sneak up out of no where at anytime.  It’s almost as if it silently waits till it sees you smiling finally or enjoying yourself and then BAM it blindsides you.  It can hit you so hard that you truly begin to question if you should be allowed to enjoy yourself.  From the start of my blog I have always vowed to try and be honest in order to help others.  The honest truth is last night was a hard night for me.  It was a night that left me curled up sobbing as I rocked back and forth aching from the inside out.  If I could of removed my heart from my chest last night I would of.  Just to catch my breath and be pain free for a moment I would of done it.  As I woke this morning my eyes swollen and feeling bruised I couldn’t seem to get myself moving.  I wasn’t hurting from grief anymore but it felt almost like I had a hangover from the pain I felt the night before.  Somehow my children seemed to sense I was unable to get out of bed.  One by one they took turns climbing into bed to snuggle me and both of them actually fell back to sleep with me too.  That is something that never happens.  But as they each took their turn nurturing me they made their way out to the living room and played quietly while Brent laid next to me and tried to coach me to get up and start the day.  I finally made my way out into the living room where I was greeted with the warmest smiles and hugs.  We climbed into the car and headed to the cemetery.  The rain kept us in the car but just being there and hearing Leighton and Jean Paul giggle as they waved out the window through the raindrops made me happy.  After we got home Leighton was anxious to make her Halloween cards with the googly eyes and glue we had purchased during the week.  I made her and Jean Paul 4 cards each to decorate and sat down next to them to help when they needed.  Jean Paul was over it within 10 minutes but Leighton spent over an hour decorating and making sure I told her how to spell everyone’s names on the cards.  With one card left I said ok who is the last one for ?  She looked at me and smiled as she said “Bubba!”  Oh that is perfect I told her as I caught myself smiling just as much as her.  Perfect idea I said as I explained that we could go back tomorrow and deliver it to the cemetery too.

“Can you just get Heavens address Mommy so I can mail it to Bubba?”

Without having enough time to think of a response I heard myself saying.

“I sure can baby!”

She quickly took out more markers and wrote her name in the return address spot just like I had explained to her a few weeks ago.  And then she sat there ready and waiting as she looked at me and said,

“How do you spell Heaven?”

I may of cried myself to sleep last night but I found my smile many times today. 

Oh how I wish we truly could mail letters to Heaven, but for now I have a 4 year old little girl who truly believes she can.  I will do my part to make her wish come true!

  It was all I needed today to make me feel 

I am doing ok,

and

 I am going to be ok!

One day at a time!

All Is Right In That Moment

There are still days that I question everything. 

 The sadness, anxiousness and heartache can drown me so fast.

  But lately those days end up with moments like this one in the picture.  

Moments where all my questions disappear because in them I see him, 

I feel him 

and I even get to know him.  

And because of them, 

in that moment all is right in my world.

We are perfect...

Even with our imperfections!!!

New Family Outings

Mommy has started working the night shift y’all!  I truly understand now what my Mom and Dad meant when they would say “One day you will see that you do what you have to for your family!”  I never dreamed that I would work this schedule, but here I am at 37 with 2 toddlers at home and I’m  working the 5 PM - 5 AM shift.  Please don’t even feel sorry for me though because I am still thanking God for all the unanswered prayers these last few months.  I truly thought I was done and I was more than worried and anxious worrying what was next for me.  I prayed nightly to be able to keep my job even though I felt unappreciated and unhappy.  Some of my coworkers literally were my oxygen keeping me sane the last few years with their friendship and help.  Little did I know God would push me into a place to work and provide for my family; all while being surrounded with amazing new coworkers and friends.  So I may not be where I imagined I would be 15 years ago, but I am proud and happy to be where I am in this new chapter that I embarking on!  So with new schedules comes new ways to spend time together as a family before work sometimes.  Tonight we got to do homework at Agave with chips and dip and lots of giggles!!!!!  Oh and we are also finally stepping into the phase where Brent and I can enjoy eating out with our kids.  They are really learning how to behave and be respectful in public... FINALLY LOL.  Although Daddy decided to knock over his whole Diet Coke that fell right onto Jean Paul as he squealed at the top of the lungs before he burst out in tears because it was so cold!  So yes now are kids are acting right but Mom and Dad are causing a scene lol!!!

Work Hard For Your Money

Our first Book Fair experience was a success... thanks to Maw Maw lol!!!  Sounds like it should be simple, just an elementary book fair right????  Sure it is until you throw in about 300 other kids running around trying to persuade their parents to buy them tons of books!  And we can’t forget the help of the teachers who so graciously let the kids make a list of 5 books they really wanted, but then leave it up to us parents to break the kids little hearts when we tell them 5 books is really to many lol.  Anyway it turned out to be lots of fun and a great fundraiser for our school!  So cheers to Maw Maw for agreeing to tag along so we could each take one child to chase after.   The cutest thing was seeing Leighton and all her little friends running and hugging each other when they noticed another one had arrived.  It also was a great way to get both of my kids to help out around the house this past week.  We let each of them decorate an envelope and challenged ( or bribed whichever way you want to see it ) them to do good, help or not whine and then they could earn a dollar to add to their book fair stash!  Now you must know they both earned quite a few dollars, but they also had some taken out of the envelope too!  Jean Paul had to give back a little more than Leighton but who is keeping track right lol!!!  Anyway I think it actually was a great way to give them a goal to reach for because they sure were proud to walk into the library today with their envelopes of hard earned money!!!  Leighton found a way to jump start her cash though... she’s no dummy lol.  She went straight to the source; her Great grandfather Paw Paw Grape!!!  I on the other hand was always afraid to call and ask him for money when I wanted something, but this girl learned quick that he loves to spoil his grandkids!!!!  And like he said “You never know till you ask!”  And once she asked and he agreed to help her fill her envelope with some money she got busy making another list of books; and a thank you note of course!

Sick Baby Girl

Last night right after midnight I heard little feet dragging across the floor and when I finally saw Leighton standing in the door way my heart hurt for her as she stood there crying saying “Mommy my tummy hurts so bad.”  Earlier that evening we had let the kids have a movie night on the air mattress in the den with us so since it was still up I told her she could lay with me and snuggle till she fell back asleep.  Well sadly she couldn’t get comfortable enough to ever fall back asleep.  About 30 minutes later I told her to wait there while Mommy went into the bathroom to find the heating pad for her to use.  As I came back into the living room with the heating pad once again I found my little girl standing there crying.  “I’m so sorry Mommy it is just a little bit I tried to stop it.”  Poor baby had thrown up a lot, it was down her pajama arm and even in her hair.  As I stripped her I told her it was ok that it happens and that’s probably why her stomach hurt so bad.  When I turned the corner I was shocked to see the whole air mattress completely covered on one side. Ok operation clean up go time.  I stripped the bed and wiped it down with cleaner and threw everything including her pajamas into the wash.  I got her into my bathroom with the heater on and told her to stay there while I mopped the floor real quick.  I had to have her shower because I couldn’t imagine her sitting in that dirty tub water and I didn’t want her to use her bathtub because it is back to back with Jean Paul’s wall and the last thing we needed was him joining this party lol.  When I got her into the shower she just kept apologizing and telling me it wasn’t me it was the throw up that did it.  Broke my heart because she was so worried about me being upset she wasn’t even hearing me tell her it was ok.  So of course I had to snuggle with her all night and keep her home for more rest and snuggles.  As of today she was back to her normal self.  There is something weird about loving them needing you when they are sick but at the same time hating when they are sick!!!!  But I will take her snuggles anytime and she can always count on me when she wants them too!!!!

Rainy Sunday

Well me and the kids took Pajama Day to a whole new level today lol.  We stayed in our pj’s all day long and only took them off to bathe and put fresh ones on!!!  With the rain on and off we decided it was best just to enjoy a lazy day together.  We played board games, did puzzles, made arts and crafts, enjoyed play-do time inside, managed to clean a little, laughed at Jean Paul pretending to be a robot most of the day, ate pretend food they cooked me up in the play kitchen, took naps and then enjoyed pizza night with daddy when he got home!!!!  Nothing was done today unless the wanted to do it... and I must say it was a great day!!

Southern Saturdays

Rain or shine my little Cajuns love our Southern Saturday traditions!!!!!