Time To Be Ok With Myself

Wow I can’t believe 2017 has already come and go!  They weren’t lying when they said enjoy every single moment while your kids are young because I feel like I blinked and a year passed.  Crazy how when I was younger it felt like 5 years between one Christmas to the next!  I pray my kids see the good I am trying to do for them as they learn and grow through the years.  Like every year since we lost our Braxton we headed to the cemetery for sparklers with our Angel!  It is a tradition I love so dearly and hope my sweet boy loves too!  I know it’s tradition to set a New Year’s Resolution but I honestly feel mine this year has been a work in progress so I’m hoping I can focus more and make changes in me for my family!  

- I want to take a step back from what I feel others want me to do and do what is best for me and my family!

- I want to be more in control of my OCD and anxiety so that I can be a better mom, wife and overall person.

- I want to see the good in myself first before self pointing out my flaws everyday.

- I want to be proud of who I am and realize I am someone worth being around.

- I want to be confident in my own skin and realize how much I truly have to offer this world.

- I want to be a Mom that my kids aren’t scared to mess up around in fear of upsetting me.

- I want to be a Grieving Mom without feeling ashamed or pitties for the way I have chosen to raise my children with their brothers memory in our everyday lives.

- I want to be a Wife that shares and listens to every detail of everyday.

- I want to be a Daughter and a Sister that my family used to know.

- I want to be a friend that others chose to be close to rather than feel sorry for.

- And lastly I want to be a Woman of God who knows without any doubt that she is here for a reason  and show others that I will never give up on God’s plan for me!

So for once in my life I am being truly selfish and saying out loud that 2018 will be all about me!  Well of course not only about me lol, but I will be focusing on bettering my self as a person!  I pray for your support and understanding as I know this will be difficult.  It is time to get myself in a healthy frame of mind, body and spirit so that I can learn to embrace the many blessings in front of me.  Please know that self hate can be more toxic than any other relationship your are in.  I say this truthfully in hopes that this is my first step in becoming a better me!

Happy New Year to you and your families as we all look into 2018 and know we are worth so much more than we give ourselves credit for!!!

Perfect Lazy Saturday

I wanted a weekend full of cuddles, kisses and laughter and today we accomplished a full day of that!  We had a long night with lots of kiddos getting up and poor Jean Paul waking and screaming a lot because of his teeth, but once we all got in Mommy’s bed by 4:30 AM we snuggled till 9:00 AM which is amazing in my book!  Then just spent the day hanging out just me and the kids!  So I’d say so far my weekend is starting off just how I wanted it too!  And tomorrow the plans are to do the same exact thing!!!

Finally A Weekend At Home

After 5 weekends in a row of solid traveling we finally have a weekend at home!  No plans and possibly not even gonna get out of our pajamas all weekend!  So glad we can stay home and let the kids enjoy their Christmas goodies and some down time with no traveling!  I see lots of Barbies, puzzles, dress up, concerts, cars, dump trucks and tractor playing in my 48 hour forecast!  Sometimes a staycation is just what this family needs to regroup and recharge!!!!!

I Can Do This

Today was one of those days.  One of those days where I couldn’t grasp what is truly my reality.  I tried all day to hold the tears in, but by the time I got home this afternoon I simply couldn’t anymore! I could hear myself getting short with the kids, and all the while telling myself they don’t understand why you feel this way it’s not their fault.  And as much as I wanted to be warm and fuzzy I just couldn’t and that upset me even more.  By the time Brent got home I was no longer able to hold it all together.  I quickly snapped at him which caused a few words of bickering back and forth.  Next thing I knew I was washing dishes sobbing while trying to keep my face hidden from the kids and from Brent.  I know he knew but it still is something I don’t always like him to see.  I’m supposed to be able to do this.... I’m supposed to be the glue.  Before I knew it he had drawn me a hot bath with a glass of wine sitting on the side of the tub for me.  He discreetly tried to tell me to take a brief pause and sit in the tub and relax.  As much as I saw this as a sweet gesture it only made me feel less worthy inside.  Once again I’m supposed to be able to do this... I’m supposed to be the glue.  As he closed the bathroom door he said “Take as long as you need I’ll bathe the kids.”  And then the dreaded “ your ok Sarah, your ok.”  I couldn’t even see him through the tears but in that moment I wanted to scream back “Is it really??? Is it really ok?”  But something in me saw the good in what he was doing.  It’s been 5 1/2 years and this is the first time he has noticed me spiraling down in front of him and caught me before I hit rock bottom. It hasn’t been his fault that it has taken this long it has actually been mine.  You see I try to hide all the pain as much as I can.  I try so hard to be super Mom in order to cover up the Grieving Mom that is just below the surface.  And though I know my blessings are in the millions I can’t help but see the happy moments with my babies as missed moments with Braxton sometimes.  It’s such a hard place to be some days.  As a try and fit in with others, even my best friends and family, I feel so different from everyone else.  Sometimes that feeling is lonely, sometimes that feeling is gut wrenching and sometimes that feeling is pure anger with what is now my reality.  But that’s ok and when I can settle down my emotions and quietly remind myself .... “I am ok” I just have to breathe.  Cause if I didn’t feel different, if I didn’t hurt, if I didn’t miss him more than life itself then it would only mean one thing.... it would mean he had never existed.  So at the end of the day after all the pain and all the tears I wouldn’t trade his time here for anything.  I wish I could do this Grieving Mom thing better some days, especially for my families sake, but for now I’m just glad my husband can notice the days I need his support, for my sweet children’s innocent love and most of all for Braxton’s existence!  This is my life, my reality is that I lost a child but through that I can say I was given an angel... a sweet boy that I love dearly!  I can do this... I don’t always have to be the glue.  I just need to be me... a Wife and Mother taking it one day at a time the best way she knows how!!

Family

I’ve never known anything but a big family!  Both of my parents come from big..... and I mean big families!  The kind of big where you can’t hear yourself talk most of the time!  But like I said it’s all I’ve ever known and I honestly can’t imagine life without every single one of them!  I pray my kids realize one day how unique our family is.  Our bond is close and even during the hard times our Love always come first!!!

That’s A Wrap On Christmas 2017

Well that’s if for Christmas 2017!  All the parties are over, all the gifts have been opened and we celebrated Jesus as the reason for the season.  Although at this time I am currently to tired to even be the slightest bit sad about it being over lol.  All I can say is that Jean Paul is obviously very aware and able to show his true feelings about Christmas 2017 coming to an end!!!!  

Christmas 2017

ANOTHER CHRISTMAS SEASON COMES AND GOES WITHOUT YOU MY SWEET BABY BOY, BUT WE CONTINUE TO FEEL YOUR LOVE THROUGH IT ALL!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM OUR FAMILY TO YOURS!

Maw Maw Musso's Christmas Spahgetti

All of my life our Christmas Dinner has been spaghetti in my family!  My Mom is Italian and it is a tradition that has been in her family for years.  I grew up hearing so many stories about my Great Grandmother and Grandfather who we called Maw Maw Musso and Paw Paw Charlie!  I was blessed with many years and memories with both of them and now that I have my own children I am really learning to see how amazing it is to say I knew my Great Grandparents for so many years.  My Dad loves to tell the story about when him and my Mom were high school sweethearts and she wasn't allowed to do anything alone with him lol.  If he wanted to take her out on a date they had to double date with her brothers or cousins and if he even wanted to think about seeing her on Sundays there was only one way to do that.  He had to go to her Grandparents house for family Sunday spaghetti.  And being the boy he was then and the man he is now he never misses a meal lol; so he went on Sundays to see her and eat.  My Great grandmother was known for many things ranging from a big giving heart to having a wild temper when she got angry (that was always blamed on her Italian blood.)  But one of the main things she was known for was her cooking.  I can remember being a little girl when they had a camp next door to my Paw Paw Jerril's camp and she would stay in that camp for most of the day cooking while everyone was out on the water or on the pier fishing.  Her meals were so lavish that by the time one meal was done it was just about time to start preparing the next, and when you have a big family like ours no meal is tiny lol.  And her most famous trademark was her homemade family spaghetti.  

All my life we spent Christmas Eve at my Great Grandparents house and for dinner they served homemade Italian sausage, baked beans and Whop Salad (an Italian style salad with mufflata mix dressing basically).  So if you didn't like either of those you may just go hungry or you would have to wait till you got home cause when I was young McDonald's was not open on Christmas Eve lol.  I remember when Brent started coming to our family Christmas gatherings and was shocked not only by the overwhelming amount of people we could fit into one house but by the menu we offered.  He asked the very first time what we were eating and when I said Italian sausage he asked "AND???"  I had to laugh and I said oh:  "Italian sausage plain or Italian sausage on a bun!"  His eyes were huge as I laughed and said yep those are your two options lol.  Luckily by then fast food places had started staying open on Christmas Eve so he would always go through the drive thru as soon as we left.   When we would leave my Great Grandparents house on Christmas Eve we would get to take home a pack of Italian sausage to add to our own Christmas spaghetti that we were going to eat on Christmas Day!  Sounds kind of crazy I know because of the looks I get when people hear we eat spaghetti for Christmas, but it's all I've ever known.  So that is what we did year after year, but it wasn't until I got older that I started to see just how much time and love was put into that Christmas Spaghetti.  It is definitely not just something you can whip up fast!  Through the years my Mom always told me I had to learn Maw Maw Musso's Spaghetti recipe before I got married just like she did.  So the Christmas before I got married that is what we did.  UMMMMMM can somebody say 24 ++++ hours is a process or what!  Ever bit of it is worth it though and I love that we still continue it even though things have changed as we grow as a family and as we lose some of the family members that started the traditions I have always known.  So for almost 10 years now my Mom and I have our own process for making Maw Maw Musso's Christmas Spaghetti.  We usually pick 2 days at the beginning of December to make it and that way we can freeze it and thaw it on Christmas Eve and have it ready on Christmas Day for lunch and dinner.  (oh yes mam if I am going to cook something that takes that long to make you can guarantee it is gonna be eaten twice in a day!!!)  I must add that like most Italian cooks there is only one size recipe for everything.... and that is basically it has to serve 30 plus and nothing smaller.  I literally have never seen my mom make a small pot of it because she honestly does not know how lol! 

 During the 2 days we have a lot of steps that go into the process and a few of them are:

- starting the gravy from scratch with Contadina Paste

- darkening the gravy by stirring constantly for at least 6-7 hours and more if time allows

( not joking either your arm is usually sore the next day )

- making 50 plus meatballs from scratch

( smelling and sometimes tasting the raw meat is a requirement to make sure the flavor is just right )

- my Dad must eat an open face meatball sandwich for dinner to test taste too as a requirement too

There are a few little secrets I can't reveal but it is tedious but ohhhhhh so good when it is done.  Then once it has cooled down the next day it is bagged and frozen ready for us Christmas Eve to take out and thaw.  Once it is thawed it is turned on Christmas morning to cook for even longer with more stirring lol and then we add in our Italian sausage and the big whammy is we throw in boiled eggs, which is my favorite part.  For noodles we usually offer rigatoni and angel hair because like my Great Grandmother my Mom is always going to make sure everyone gets what they like! 

 The first Christmas we had after losing Braxton I honestly thought this tradition may stop.  Neither my Mom or I seemed to know how to keep going when we felt so lost.  Something in us made us do it that year and I know it was Braxton pushing us to do what we have always loved.  Now it is even more special because we get to share this tradition with my kids.  Leighton has been involved since the year she was born and for the first time this year Jean Paul joined in too.  Since Leighton's first year cooking with us I have made a special shirt for her to wear to surprise my Mom with and I have done it each year since.  Not only are Christmas memories special but there is something amazing about being able to tell your kids the memories you have had through the years making Maw Maw Musso's Christmas Spaghetti.  I pray she is smiling as she holds my baby Braxton in heaven.  And a part of me knows she is feeding him Spaghetti and Whop Salad in heaven while we enjoy ours around the table as a family too.  Cause Lord knows if anyone can change the menu in heaven she can and if Jesus said he wasn't hungry I can guarantee you she is right there offering him food till he finally gives in!  She always had an extra place setting and an extra chair at her table just in case someone showed up at dinner time.  If her headcount was 20 you can bet her table was set and ready for 21.  My Mom said it wasn't only because she wanted to be prepared it was because she never wanted anyone to not feel welcome!  

We love you Maw Maw Musso and tomorrow we will be thinking of you as we enjoy our Christmas Spaghetti!

Let Me Know

Big Nerd

Well not much to say tonight except I did the big time happy dance because my new 2018 Planner arrived today!!  Meanwhile I got the look across the living room that said loud and clear...

YOU BIG NERD!!!!

Yep I get super pumped about planners LOL!!  

(Now to figure out what new pens should accompany this planner????)

These 2 Boys

These 2 boys:

- both came home on the same day

- both saved their Mom's in more ways than they will ever understand

- both friends that argue more like brothers

- both complete opposites in so many ways

- both can push the limits like little boys do

- both can give you a look that proves their guilt

- both can also give you a look that melts your heart

- both gifts from God

- both were waited for 

- both were prayed for

- both are a symbol of answered prayers

- both were also a sign that unanswered prayers happen for a reason

- both proof that those unanswered prayers are always proof that God has a bigger plan

- both unaware of how much they mean to this world

- both meant for greatness

- both a lesson in how IVF and Adoption means so much more than legal issues to some people

- both loved before they were born

- both loved now

AND BOTH WILL BE LOVED FOR EVERYDAY FROM NOW TILL THE END OF TIME!

Siblings

Not always

EYE to EYE

but always

HEART to HEART

As The Last Stocking Was Hung

I have been putting this post off due to the amount of tears I cry every time I go to write it.  I serioulsy am shocked sometimes at the things that can bring me to my knees with tears and then other days just equally hard situations occur and I can be stronger than the Hulk through them.  I think that is why grief is so hard because it comes in waves.  Sometimes those waves are gentle and allow you to catch your breath as you ride them through the moment and other times it's as if the worst rip tide is pulling you under as you gasp for air through your sobs.  Perfect example is today a patient just trying to engage in conversation asked me why I seemed so tired this afternoon.  I giggled and told him my daughter is going though a phase where she wakes up multiple times a night and comes in my room, so after playing musical beds it's frightening when I add up the amount of sleep I actually get LOL.  "How old is she?" he asked.  After telling him she was 3 1/2 he said "Well how many children were you blessed with?"  BAM now I may not get out of this room fast enough without making a fool of myself if I can't get through this question without keeping it all together.  I survived and was still able to say I was blessed with 3 and luckily he did not ask me all of their ages.  Because that's where it gets tricky.  I always inculde Braxton in my count it's just hard when it ends up leaving the person who asked me feeling bad after they learn one of mine is no longer with us.  It is a battle and it is a personal one I understand.  But it is my choice that I decide to include him in my number.  That number is special to me and he is as the man worded the question "a child I was blessed with!"  I could go on and on about this topic but will save if for another post so I can share the meaning behind the picture I uploaded today.

For as long as I can remember Christmas at my Grandparents home (my O'Meara side) the stockings were the focal point for me.  My Dad being 1 of 7 kids meant the mantle was not big enough to hang all their stockings.  So instead my Grandma always hung them along the staircase in the dining room.  The stockings were very different than any stockings I ever remember seeing in anyone else's home except the O'Meara kids and nieces and nephews.  They didn't look old but you could tell they were handmade and special.  It wasn't till I was older that I learned they were handmade by one of my Dad's Aunts.  Each one was knitted with a different Christmas scene or object on it and then had their name knitted into the very top of the stocking.  My personal stocking at my house matched my Dad and his siblings but my brothers did not... even though it was knitted and handmade it was different.  Once again as I got to be older I learned why.  My stocking had been made by my Great Aunt, the same one that made my Dad's, but my brothers was made by my Aunt Sharon, my Dad's oldest sister.  You see by the time Robert and the younger cousins came along the original knitter in the family was no longer with us; therefore my Aunt Sharon picked up the tradition.  Well now if you were to walk in any of my cousins home who now have kids of our own we all have a special handmade stocking for our kids.  It is something I absolutely love about our family.  And it is something I absolutely love my Aunt Sharon for continuing so that our kids can one day have the story with their grandchildren.  And I must add these handmade stockings have always been larger than any of the stockings my friends had growing up which was a bonus come Christmas morning LOL.  My brother and I still have to leave them at my Mom & Dad's in order for Santa to fill them for us so when Brent and I got married I had to resort to purchasing our own stockings for him and I.  They do not even come close to what I grew up with!!!!  I will never forget when I recieved Leighton's stocking and then last year Jean Paul's for his first Christmas.  I still love sitting on the couch and seeing their names hanging from the mantle!!!!  In 2012 when we lost Braxton it was never a question if he would have a stocking hanging every year on our mantle, but it was something that was our choice and also something I would never expect my Aunt to knit for me.  These stockings can take as long as 9 months to make and I never wanted to ask her to do because just because I needed him to have one does not mean everyone else does.  So I bought a stocking that I thought fitted my sweet boy and monogrammed his name on it myself.  It was great it was different but that was ok.  A few weeks ago I recieved a package.  As I began to open the package I had know idea what was inside.  Once I got the tissue paper unwrapped and saw what was inside I was in tears.  Inside was a handmade stocking that matched my other babies stockings and at the top knitted into the top of it was BRAXTON.  I still am unable to put into words what this means to me.  I have always been beyond blessed with family that recognizes Braxton as part of our family, but in this moment it was more than just recognition.  It was acknowldegemt that he not only is my son, he is her nephew because he existed even if it was only for a short time.  To a mother of a baby lost before it was time that sort of acknowledgement is irreplaceable.  My Mom finally found the words through her own tears and let me know that Aunt Sharon had seen Braxton's stocking hanging every year alongside of ours and knew it was time for him to have his own from her.  She also didn't know if it was her place to just assume it was something I may want.  Unable to call her I finally sent her a message.  I needed her to know how much it meant to me but that I would not be able to talk about it yet because I was just a hot mess lol.  Suprisingly she also felt she was unable to directly talk about it just yet.  So as we decorated our house this Christmas I saved the mantle for last.  And as I hung each stocking I couldn't help but cry with pride that finally I had my own family to experience the magic of Christmas with.  And just like I have always wanted I hung the last stocking, Braxton's stocking.  And as the tears fell I realized it was not something that I just wanted all these years it was something I needed.  The timing could not of been perfect because I was finally able to realize and admit to myself my family is complete.  And as I sat on my couch staring at our stockings that our family is not and will never be complete unless Braxton is included.  We are the Bergeron's family of 5.... even though we are not all here we are a family.  And without any of us we are not complete and that includes Braxton!

So this year as the last stocking was hung a Grieving Mother was prouder than ever to see all 3 of her blessings names hanging from her mantle.

Until You Lose A Child

Everyone is afraid of dying,

until you lose a child...

then you are afraid of living.

Who Needs Counseling

Ok so it is no secret here when I say we have had our fair share of marriage counseling in the Bergeron history over here lol.  And I will admit that I am a firm believer in it too.  I can't say that we loved it from day one but yes setting aside a certain hour on your schedule to talk face to face with no phones and no exiting is very much worth the money.  It took us some time to learn the rules and abide by them, but yes I do understand it's benefits now lol.  Currently we are not doing actually paid therapy, but thanks to my grandparents on my Mom's side we just had our first major counseling session for free LOL!  Brent and I after almost 10 years of marriage and 5 years of parenting just assembled a toy ( not an easy one ) with noooooo arguing or ugly words!  So Jean Paul received a race track today at our family Christmas party and man did it have a lot of pieces.  Let me clarify it not only had pieces it had screws, a catapult, a launcher a Ferris wheel with a spinney thing and stickers along with the dreaded directions that insist on being printed in black and white when obviously the toy is color coordinated.  Meanwhile this brilliant Mom decided to try and put it together with the kids involved.   BIG MISTAKE try to assemble something like that with toddlers straddling it, cars flying and parents trying to hold it all together.  I am beyond shocked that we survived this with no arguments and we didn't even have to sugar coat the bad words to hide it from the kids, we honestly worked together and got this thing done.  After the big production of letting the car run its track for the first time we couldn't help but high five each other.  And now almost 45 minutes later they are still playing with the track.  Do you know how valuable a toy like that is?????  Something that will occupy your kids for at least and hour is like GOLD to parents.  Oh and now I am wondering if we should start our own group couples therapy classes?????

Session 1:  

Here is a toy with over 50 pieces and directions if you can survive:

- putting it together

- it working properly

- and still be married and want to ride home together after completion

THEN YOU ARE A TRUE COUPLE LOL!!!!

( No need for more sessions if this first session is passed )

Liquor may or may not of been provided to bride and groom/mom and dad during this session...
but the point is we SURVIVED!!!!!

Holiday Memories

Give your children

a holiday season filled

with moments to remember,

not toys they'll forget!

Bubba's Christmas Tree

After our amazing Polar Express ride last weekend we woke up to a very special note from Bob our elf.  After reading it we couldn't wait to get back home and see what the surprise was that Bob and Santa left Bubba!  Right when we got back to town we went straight to the cemetery and found the perfect little Christmas tree waiting for us to decorate it for Bubba.  While we were admiring it Santa called Daddy's phone and told us to look in the trunk of our car to find all of the decorations.  So as a family we hung his lights and ornaments and arranged his rubber duckie nativity scene.  

My heart was bursting with love wathcing them have so much fun decorating Braxton's tree.  It is a tradition we started way before Leighton and Jean Paul were born and still love to carry on today.  I can remember decorating alone with no tiny voices in the back ground.  I wanted it to be all just perfect for my Braxton.  Now I am pretty sure Braxton is giggling as his very OCD Mommy allows his sister and brother to hang ornaments where ever they want on the tree.  And I can guarantee he is loving the fact that I have to just allow Jean Paul to place the ducks in his nativity scene all over the place.  I mean who doesn't know that baby Jesus goes right by Mary and Joseph and it's critical if the three Wise Men aren't all in a row...... RIGHT LOL!!!!  But I have to admit as much as it drives me crazy having it all misplaced it just as much fills my heart with so much joy!!!  

Braxton I can remember your very first tree over 5 years ago.  The sweet lady that works in the office at the cemetery told me it warmed her soul so much everyday to look out her window and see his perfect little tree.  I told you Mommy would always celebrate every season and every life event with you my sweet boy, and we can't properly do that without a tree for Christmas son.  So I hope you love your tree this year!!!  I can promise you it was decorated with a lot of love and devotion.  

We love you Bubba!!!

There's No Place Like Home For The Holidays

A million and twelve things to do but I'm not moving!  Nothing like a good Christmas movie with the family!  This is home to me!  All of us in the same room together.  So many times we are here in this house but doing nothing all together!  Tonight we are and that to me is the best Christmas present I could ever receive!!

I Don't Think They Know How Much They Save Me

Today was one of those days where I could do nothing but cry.  Literally from the moment my eyes opened this morning till now late into the evening.  By 9 AM Brent already had to give me the pep talk ensuring me that I was ok and it would all be ok.  All morning I repeated my blessings but the sadness was just more powerful.  Today I survived because of Leighton and Jean Paul.  I truly do not know if they will ever understand the amount of happiness and love they have taught me to feel again.  As hard as it was to basically adult today it also happened to be their dentist appointment day too.  Which meant I had to be in public and try and hold back the tears.  They both did amazing at the appointment and once again proved to be the sunshine in my day.  After the dentist we headed to daycare but made a quick stop at the cemetery on the way.  I asked Leighton if Mommy could jump out and visit Bubba alone today.  She sweetly said "Sure Mommy!"  While I was standing by Braxton's graveside allowing myself to shed the tears I had been hiding from them most of the morning I heard a little voice screaming from the car "DON'T FORGET TO TELL HIM I LOVE HIM MOMMY!"  Well if I hadn't cried enough already this brought even more tears on lol.  As I walked back up to the car I could see she had her window rolled down and immediately she asked me "Did you tell him?"  "Of course I did sweetie!", I replied.  I don't know if I will ever be able to explain to my kids how much they save me every single day.  As I dropped them off I once again was crying wishing somehow, someway things were different sometimes.  But things can't be different and this is real life for us.  But if real life is my 2 young children loving their angel brother with all their hearts and knowing he is a part of this family then I don't know what else I could ask for.  As this Christmas season brings on the normal stresses that most families experience such as money, tiredness and mostly missing loved ones I pray I can remember  I have everything I could ever ask for in my children's presence.  The money will never just appear no matter what I tell myself we will change next year with our finances.  The tiredness is a given.  I mean a 3 year old and a 1 year old on any day can drain you in a second much less the running around constantly during the Christmas hustle and bustle.  The most uncontrollable stress for me is missing our loved ones.  That is one topic no matter how much you tell your brain to tell your heart to relax it just doesn't listen.  Your heart will feel what it wants to feel.  And for me that sadly is loneliness most of the time.  No matter how many loved ones, friends or even children I will ever have around me there will always be something missing.  And NO I do not expect it to get any easier as the years go by and NO I do not want it to either if I am being honest.  I am not wrong for missing him it simply means my love for him will never lessen.  It is who I am and who I want to be as his Mother.  And sometimes that means I cry and sometimes that means I cry alot.  But thankfully the people who I call my friends and family and who are my strength and courage in this journey allow me to do that.  That is something I will forever be grateful for.  The freedom to be Braxton's Mommy day in and day out no matter what, with no questions asked means so much to me.  I don't have to hide the tears on the sad days, the anxiety on the hard days, the anger on the questioning days or the pride on the good days!!!  That is what being a support team is and damn do I have a good one!  I actually may have the best if I am being honest and for that I thank you.... each and everyone of you!!

Christmas Creations

There is nothing like making homemade Christmas creations with my little girl.  She loves arts and crafts so it was only fitting that we painted some of our own ornaments this year.  First on the list tonight though are ornaments for Maw Maw & Poorain, per Leighton's orders!!!

The Magic Is For Those Who Believe

\Well to say this weekend for our Polar Express was magical is an understatement!  Let's just say that I was balling crying the second the Christmas music started playing as we took of from the train station.  We got to experience the event with our neighborhood friends which made it even better.  We sang, read, danced, drank hot chocolate, ate sugar cookies, talked to Santa and even got our very own bells to take home.  And the train conductor even punched our special ticket with the magic puncher giving us each our very own message.  Even Jean Paul being only one surprised me with how involved he was with the whole experience.  Halfway through the ride I happened to look above Leighton and Brent's heads where the seat numbers were written.  Once again I had tears rolling down my face as Leighton coincidentally got seat number 17!!!  Her Bubba Braxton's number!!!  This number appears everywhere to us and this was just another sign that he was with us for the Polar Express as well.  After we told Mimi about our seat number she said that Braxton is no fool, he would never miss out on a ride with his family to the North Pole..... And she is so right.  He is always with us and these signs make us so happy and feel his presence even more.  As soon as we got off the train Leighton said she wanted everyone to ride the train with her next time as she rattled off:  Maw Maw, Pepa, Poorain, Ney Ney, Mimi, Popa, Nanny, Uncle J, Michael, Christopher and baby Emily.  She loved it so much she wants to share it with them too.  Bob our elf really outdid himself with his tickets he sent us.  I have always loved Christmas, due to the amazing memories I have as a child, but to see it through your own children's eyes is something so special.  This weekend our relatives were all in New Orleans for a wedding too so we got to see them and get a few hugs as well.  So Sunday morning after we had walked to see a few Christmas sites and we were preparing to leave New Orleans you could still feel the magic in the air as Leighton's wheels were turning in her head.  She then told me the hotel was magical and she didn't want to leave.  I explained to her that we all had a great time and made new memories, and maybe one day we could come back.  

"No Mommy Bob my elf brought me:

Polar Excress (as she says it) Tickets

Mommy, Daddy and Jean Paul

Maw Maw, Pepa, Poorain and Ney Ney

all to this hotel so it's magical."

Sweet girl truly believes that too.  It shows how much being together really means to children.  And there is nothing anyone could say or do for me to tell her that hotel wasn't magical.  It meant so much to her and to me to see her feel the magic of Christmas.  After all the unexpected snow we got Friday our Saturday plans were sort of rearranged.  We had to leave Lafayette later than expected due to icy bridges being closed still which meant no fun stops along the way so we could make sure to make it to the Polar Express in time.  But even with the change in plans, a little traffic and a potty break on a training toilet in the back seat for Leighton in stopped traffic the day was perfect.  And like the train conductor taught us:

"It's not always about where the train is going, 

but whether on not you decide to get on!"

In A Child's Eyes

The light in

a child' eyes

is all it takes

to make 

Christmas

a magical time of year!

All Aboard The Polar Express

In New Orleans for a Christmas surprise!  No time to write a post tonight because we are about to board the Polar Express and we can't miss our train!  The magic of Christmas reflecting in my kids eyes when they found out where we were going was priceless!

ALL ABOARD!!!!

Snow Day 2017

Like everyone else in our area we had the best day ever.  To say it is rare to see snow is an understatement for us down here lol.  Around 3:30 AM this morning a certain little girl creeped into my bedroom to broken heartily confess she had pee peed in the bed.  After I pulled her sheets off and placed them into the washing machine and cleaned and changed Leighton I remembered we may have snow tonight.  Leighton and I peeked out the window but like always we just saw rain, poor Leighton looked confused when she asked me "Mommy you said we might see snow!"  I felt so bad for getting excited about the possibility of snow and bringing her hopes up because it truly may not happen.  Tired and to lazy to actually get the other set of sheets out of the closet and remake her bed lol.  I mean who wants to to do anything extra at 3:30 AM.... NOT THIS GIRL!!!!!  So I didn't lol and just told her to crawl in bed with us.  Which secretly I wanted cause I love snuggling especially with a little girl who literally falls asleep with a huge smile on her face when she is told to climb in bed with her Mommy and Daddy!!!  Best feeling ever!  Well next thing I knew Brent was waking Leighton and I around 6:00 AM saying it was snowing to wake up and come see.  Confused and half asleep I told myself to get up the snow may melt in a matter of minutes and Leighton may miss it and never see it again for another 10 years.  We threw a blanket over her and carried her outside.  Her face was priceless.  And I can't lie I expected to see some white outside but mostly green mixed in with it, which is what I have always seen in Louisiana when they say it will snow lol.  But this morning it was a pretty white covering everything.  When we came back inside we told Leighton we needed to bundle up and wake up brother to go and play in the snow.  Once outside again Jean Paul was very confused as he just kept looking up and watching the small snow flurries fall.  Then he would point at the blow up Minion in our yard and say Minion because it was half white covered with snow.  Leighton on the other hand did not take long to learn that gathering a little bit of the white ice makes for a great ball to throw at Mommy!  Even though the snow fun didn't last long it was well worth the years of waiting.  I am so excited that Brent and I got to be home this morning when the snow fell and both got to experience Leighton and Jean Paul's first glimpse of snow.  Because I can very vividly remember when it snowed in first grade for me as a child.  It was beyond the greatest Christmas miracle for me and I pray it is something they will remember forever as well.  These are the moments I will cherish forever!  Not only snow but Christmas in the eyes of a child is beyond magical!!!

Guide Him To The Light Baby Boy

Tonight as we hang our Angel on our tree I am sad knowing one of my best friends is hurting tonight.   I pray she knows how much she and her family is loved and means to us.  And I pray she knows that as her Grandfather enters heaven tonight that he is met with love and a smile on a special little angel's face.  My sweet Braxton once again I ask you to please meet a loved one of ours at the gates of heaven and guide him through God's glory.  I can't think of a better man to be with my sweet baby boy teaching him all about football and sports.

Though we cry tears of sadness

for the loss of our loved ones,

so the angels weep tears of joy

for the return of theirs

Life Is To Short

Last night I went to bed:

- frustrated

- tired

- aggravated

- sad

- unappreciated

- overly anxious

- scared

- restless

- hating myself

- incapable

- broken

- worthless

- lost

- confused

and lots of other negative things.

I woke up this morning with the feelings of no self worth again weighing on my mind, heart and soul.  I showered and decided to swing by the cemetery for a quick visit with my baby boy to clear my head.  As always I left feeling alot better.  But something was still pulling me down.  All day I tried to do things for others in order to make them smile.  Even small things like a snack I know they like because I love making others smile.  Sometimes others smiles can completely veto all the sadness I am feeling at that time I don't know why but something in me transforms when I can give someone else a smile.  It wasn't until later in the day while my friend and I were talking that the switch flipped for me today.  As I heard the words coming out of my mouth as I told my friend how 2 people I knew were struggling this Christmas due to family heartache.  In that moment my heart felt overwhelmed with guilt of how I had been feeling.  Life is to short and I need to remember that.  Most people would assume that since I personally have had such a huge loss; such as the loss of a child, that I should just get it.  That is the furthest from the reality of it.  Parents of angel babies are just like anyone else.  We get wrapped up in the same distractions as others do.  And even though every single day is just as hard as the day we lost our babies we still need reality checks sometimes.  Through the grief we can be blinded.  Sometimes I even think maybe my mind is playing tricks on me to make me think this sadness isn't mind.  But it sadly is mine.... ALL MINE.  But I am not the only one in this world hurting.  We all have our own trials and journeys here on Earth.  So tonight after I picked up Leighton from dancing and I heard her sweet little voice talking away in the back seat I had to take a deep breath in and remind myself "life is to short!"  The small moments we overlook or take for granted are someone else's dreams of having.  Days like today are extremely hard when I allow sadness and pain to control me, but I have to admit the wake up calls are greatly appreciated.  The feeling the moment my heart notices the wake up calls is the most amazing feeling to me.  The warmth, love and appreciation for one more day here to make an impression on anyone; even if it is a complete stranger, is a blessing.  So tonight I will lay my head down to go to sleep quite different than I did last night when I cried myself to sleep.  Tonight I will remember to thank God for all that he has blessed me with.  And those blessings are even the hard things I have endured, because in those hard times he always walked by my side!  I believe with all my heart in God's plan for me and for my sweet baby boy.  Some days I question it and I think that is normal.  But the days I seem to feel the lowest I always get a sign that shows my heart his love is forever faithful.  Five and a half years ago I chose God's love over all other advice; including medical advice, and it has always been the best choice I have ever made.  I will never forget the look in one of our Dr's eyes as he tried to speak without crying as he admitted to Brent and I that what he witnessed on Braxton's birthday was something far greater than he had ever been a part of.  What he saw was true Faith, Hope and Love.  And as he tried to find the words to tell us his medical advice was wrong in more ways than he could of ever imagined because as he watched the love that surrounded Braxton on August 17, 2012 he was shaken to his core.  In that moment I did not need to know we had made the right decision because I felt it.  It was beyond powerful and I realized all of my pain and heartache then and everyday without Braxton was for a greater plan.  I will always believe in his plan for me, even on the hard days.  But man does it feel good to be reminded!!!

Meet Bob The Elf

Out of respect for Bob the Elf I will just post a pic of him and bite my tongue!  As many parents I have a love hate relationship with our family elf!  But don't worry if you want to hear how I really feel I will be posting after he has been back with us for a few weeks lol!  So without further ado meet Bob the Bergeron Elf who graciously returned to Scott, La last night!  At this time he is very loved by the whole family but I'm pretty certain that love will be narrowed down to 2 little kids minus 2 tired parents come December 25th!!!!

It's Beginning To Look Alot Like Christmas

Well the Bergeron's are getting in the Christmas spirit over her in Lousiana.  I can't lie I am a sucker for Christmas time, I always have been.  But I have to admit it sure is a whole new ball game with kids.  Sure is something special to see the magic in their eyes!  Not only is it fun it is also exhausting and completely backwards from the way we have spent it until 4 years ago.  I mean if I wanted to I could take weeks to unpack the decorations and I coud put them wherever I wanted without a worry.  Nope not now... there are not enough high shelves in this house to keep our decorations safe from these kids lol.  They want to touch and play with it all.  And if the UPS man brings another package while the kids are home I may scream.  Leighton practically tries to open them all before I can stop her.  There should be a code to let him know "hey dude those packages you have right there are from Santa "aka me" so just drop them and run, no ringing the door bell... PLEASEEEEE!"  Still I would not trade any of this at all.  We literally drove around the neighborhood 4 times this evening after school listening to Christmas music and looking at the lights and the whole time I had the biggest smile on my face.  It is so fun to watch them start to love Christmas.  And once again just like everything else they are so different in the things that draw their eye.  We have one who is obessed with Christmas hats and the other one with Christmas blow ups for the yard LOL!  So much that we may not need many gifts from Santa just what we have now!!!!

  

I Pray They Always Want Mommy

I pray they are never too old for Mommy's lap!  They want to be so close to me they have to be on me and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world!!!  I know they will grow up and go through phases of thinking they don't need me but no matter what they will always know I'm here for them anytime or anywhere.  Knowing that can make even the darkest days easier, I know because it's how my Mom raised me.  She still is there anytime and anywhere I need her! 

 Nothing compares to a Mother's Love!