Today was one of those days where I could do nothing but cry. Literally from the moment my eyes opened this morning till now late into the evening. By 9 AM Brent already had to give me the pep talk ensuring me that I was ok and it would all be ok. All morning I repeated my blessings but the sadness was just more powerful. Today I survived because of Leighton and Jean Paul. I truly do not know if they will ever understand the amount of happiness and love they have taught me to feel again. As hard as it was to basically adult today it also happened to be their dentist appointment day too. Which meant I had to be in public and try and hold back the tears. They both did amazing at the appointment and once again proved to be the sunshine in my day. After the dentist we headed to daycare but made a quick stop at the cemetery on the way. I asked Leighton if Mommy could jump out and visit Bubba alone today. She sweetly said "Sure Mommy!" While I was standing by Braxton's graveside allowing myself to shed the tears I had been hiding from them most of the morning I heard a little voice screaming from the car "DON'T FORGET TO TELL HIM I LOVE HIM MOMMY!" Well if I hadn't cried enough already this brought even more tears on lol. As I walked back up to the car I could see she had her window rolled down and immediately she asked me "Did you tell him?" "Of course I did sweetie!", I replied. I don't know if I will ever be able to explain to my kids how much they save me every single day. As I dropped them off I once again was crying wishing somehow, someway things were different sometimes. But things can't be different and this is real life for us. But if real life is my 2 young children loving their angel brother with all their hearts and knowing he is a part of this family then I don't know what else I could ask for. As this Christmas season brings on the normal stresses that most families experience such as money, tiredness and mostly missing loved ones I pray I can remember I have everything I could ever ask for in my children's presence. The money will never just appear no matter what I tell myself we will change next year with our finances. The tiredness is a given. I mean a 3 year old and a 1 year old on any day can drain you in a second much less the running around constantly during the Christmas hustle and bustle. The most uncontrollable stress for me is missing our loved ones. That is one topic no matter how much you tell your brain to tell your heart to relax it just doesn't listen. Your heart will feel what it wants to feel. And for me that sadly is loneliness most of the time. No matter how many loved ones, friends or even children I will ever have around me there will always be something missing. And NO I do not expect it to get any easier as the years go by and NO I do not want it to either if I am being honest. I am not wrong for missing him it simply means my love for him will never lessen. It is who I am and who I want to be as his Mother. And sometimes that means I cry and sometimes that means I cry alot. But thankfully the people who I call my friends and family and who are my strength and courage in this journey allow me to do that. That is something I will forever be grateful for. The freedom to be Braxton's Mommy day in and day out no matter what, with no questions asked means so much to me. I don't have to hide the tears on the sad days, the anxiety on the hard days, the anger on the questioning days or the pride on the good days!!! That is what being a support team is and damn do I have a good one! I actually may have the best if I am being honest and for that I thank you.... each and everyone of you!!
No comments:
Post a Comment