All humans have good and bad days we just pray the good days outweigh the bad! Last night was a bad one for me. Marriage is hard, parenthood is hard and overall life is hard. Throw in losing a child to marriage, parenthood and life and you have a whole new category. I think that category is difficult to describe because it involves extreme grief and there is no rule book on how to grieve right. Sadly it is personal for each person and even sadder is that it doesn't come with an experation date. Statistics show couples who lose a child have a higher percentage of divorcing and I can see how so. It is a heavy weight that follows you everywhere. In all honesty I try really hard to be strong and see the blessing in each and everyday but every few months I lose it. And in true Sarah fashion I don't hold back and I lose it good. It's like a fuse blows and I can no longer hold it in, almost as if the pain gets stacked and stacked and stacked on top of each other till it's just to much weight to carry and it has to break. I usually start off slow and just a little irritated and as the day progresses I develop severe anxiety and get shakey. The final phase is I start an argument with Brent that is totally unrelated to my true reason for being upset and once I have nothing left to argue about I completely crumble. I break and basically become paralyzed with heartache and emotions. Brent tries his hardest to console me each time but it isn't easy at all. Sometimes it's extremely hard to explain to him why I still hurt the way I do because he is at a totally different place in his own grieving process. And then I sometimes can't understand why he doesn't feel the way I do. I have to remind myself that what I need is not what he needs and vice versa. But sometimes you just need to be held. So last night I asked for just that and since Leighton was already asleep in our bed I snuggled up behind her and Brent got in and snuggled up behind me. And right there I laid in between a child who saved me and a man who wants to save me for many years to come. As I laid there with no energy left in me I tried to explain to him that I think of my sweet boy before my eyes even open each morning and he is the last thing on my mind as I lay my head on my pillow each night. Once again I found myself laying in my own tears in the exact bed that he held me on the night we found out Braxton was sick, our whole painful pregnancy and the night we came home as new parents without their child. And although it may seem like last night was taking a million steps backward in my grieving process it was the complete opposite. The fact that I needed to be held and my husband still agrees to hold me in those moments shows he will always support me for as long as I need him too. Silent support is sometimes more powerful than verbal support. So I will continue to heal and continue to try harder, but I will also continue to miss him. I need to learn to ask for what I need more and allow myself to break when I need to break. It is simply amazing how lonely grief can be even when you are always surrounded by others. Please remember that! Remember that no matter the situation or the type of grief someone is or has gone through a hug can be a way of silently speaking to their heart.
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