Happy Birthday Leighton Rose

Ohhhhh how God knew I needed you!

“A rainbow baby is a baby born after loss.”

It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow 

does not negate the ravages of my storm.

When a rainbow appears, 

it does not mean the storm never happened

 or that we are not steal dealing with its aftermath.

It means that something beautiful and full of light

 has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds.

Storm clouds may still hover, 

but the rainbow provides 

color, 

energy and hope!

Happy 4th birthday baby girl! 

 May you always bring others as much joy, happiness and love like you have given me. 

Good Friday

He knew the price of those sins was death.

He knew the source of those sins was you

and since he couldn’t beat the thought of eternity without you,

he chose the nails.

I Heard You Today

I still have the recordings of the day you were born that I replay over and over just to remember the sound of your sweet little cries.  Knowing I may only be allowed seconds with you I was scared before I even met you that I would forget what your cry sounded like.  And still to this day I lay in bed many nights begging for  you come to me in my dreams so I can hear you again.  But recently I have found your soul in the sound of your siblings; Leighton & Jean Paul’s, laughter.  The first time today I realized it and I felt chills as I was immediately taken back to the day I held you in my arms.  It is a day I will never be able to completely explain, especially the overwhelming  feeling of knowing I loved you before I had even met you.  As I looked at your perfect little face, you stared back at me like you too had waited years to meet me.  I don’t know who was more in love, me or you.  But my sweet boy I was overcome instantly with the beauty of your soul and as much as I want to hate this day; the day I learned I may not get to keep you 6 years ago, I simply can’t make myself be angry.  Because today I wanted to run away, I wanted to scream why at the top of my lungs, but today I found you in their laughter and today that was such a gift that I couldn’t feel the anger as much.  And just hearing your presence in their little innocent giggles was like a firework show of love.  I knew in that exact moment that I was blessed to hear you in them just as much as I know I was blessed to experience your cries the day you were born.  Then within minutes of allowing myself to let go of the hate and anger I have for this day you sent me this sunset..... the single most powerful sign you have sent me so many times to simply say “Mommy it’s ok!”

The Last Night I Ever Slept

On this night exactly 6 years ago I slept for the very last time...

The very next day we had our ultrasound appointment that we truly thought was only to learn the gender of our child, but sadly we discovered a lot more that day.  So yes it has been 6 years since I feel like I have really slept without any type of worry, fear or even questions racing through my head.  I know every mother worries constantly about their children, but I can honestly tell you that there is a difference once you have learned your child is suffering.  Hopefully I am not sounding like I am trying to downsize a Mother's day in and day out stress and worry level, because that is the last thing I want to do.  But I was that person who always looked across the street twice before crossing just in case I could prevent something bad from happening.  I was also that girl who saw the world as a gift that had so much to offer.   But after this night 6 years ago my worst fears had become my reality.  A part of me died that day, the part of me that saw the good in the world, the part of me that thought worrying meant I was cautious and able to prevent bad things, a part of me that could relax and mostly the part of me that allowed myself to just go with the flow.  So many things have happened in the last 6 years and even though we struggle still with the loss of our son Braxton, a lot of those things that have happened have been amazing.  He is still ever present in everything we do and it is beyond wonderful witnessing his love touch people still till this day.  But I am tired, the kind of tired that does not allow you to ever close your eyes and just sleep.  This emotional tiredness even hurts physically some days, because I do not know if I will ever truly be ok with what has happened to us.  I would never in a million years want to rewrite our story/journey and that may sound horrible to some.  Yes I would of done anything and everything to save Braxton if it would of been allowed.  But as each day passes I learn more and more that saving him was not my job and it was not how our story was supposed to be written.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be and even in the exact chapter God wants me to be on.  And on the days that I can't seem to fight the tears and I can't find the strength to be strong.... even then I am right where he wants me to be.  I know my God sees my fear, sees my pain, sees my cries of questioning and I know he sees how tired I am.  Yet each morning as I continue on one step at a time I hear something telling me to keep going.  Most of the time that something is from the people around me.  A simple text, a kind word, a hug that I know means more than just hello and especially the sound of his name..... BRAXTON.  I will never understand why I was blessed to be his Mother, but I do know I will not allow the gift of an angel that I was given go untold of.  I do not remember what it feels like to just climb into bed and drift off to sleep, but I do remember him and I do remember the love that he taught me.

And for that I will forever be grateful.

If I could go back to this night 6 years ago I honestly do not even know what I would tell myself if knew what I know now.   The one thing I wish I could remember was that feeling of normalcy.  Just for a second I would love to feel that again.  But to feel that simple feeling of everything is normal and that simple feeling of I am like everyone else would mean I never had gotten to be his Mommy.  And that is something I am not willing to ever give up or regret. 

So yes I am tired, a type of tired I never knew existed till 6 years ago.  But have you ever met a Mommy to tired to fight for her child?  I don't think so!!!

I may only have his memory to still fight for but you better believe that even if I never sleep again I will do just that!  

I love you Braxton Michael,

I always have

and I always will!

Hug your loved ones close every single night, because I promise you will never beg for a normal night till it's to late.  Make each one count even if it's just a regular Wednesday night, make it count!!!

Forever Friends

This picture means more to me than I could ever explain.  These are the hands of my forever friends the day Braxton was born!  They sat in the hospital waiting room with no intentions of ever seeing me or Braxton that day.  They were there solely for support.  I will forever be grateful to them and pray for them and their families each and every night.  Not only did they save me from the lost teenager I was when I met them my junior year in high school, but they continue to save me today!  I never knew friendship like theirs existed and I surely never thought it was anything I would ever get to be a part of.  Remember it’s not always about letting others seeing you be a good friend to someone, it is more about the friends you show love to when no one is looking!!!!!!

She asked me if I was okay

and I said “ I’m fine I swear.”

but when she looked into my eyes,

she clearly saw my struggles there.

I quickly looked away,

and tried my best to smile.

I said softly “I’ll make it through this,

it’s just taking me a while.”

She knew I was hurting,

and she knew my pain was deep.

But I felt the burden was mine,

and mine alone to keep.

She reached out to me,

and our hands entwined.

She said “ I love you my friend.

So your burdens are also mine.”

Hippity Hoppity

Finally getting some Spring weather so we finally did some Easter activities today!  Stopped at the pond to swing and say hi to the neighborhood ducks, decorated bunnies and had a movie night in the living room!!!!  Leighton was so excited to come home today and see the Easter decorations out with our Easter books and stuffed animals from years before!!!!  We even read one of Braxton’s book that the Easter Bunny gave him one year!!!!  Love making memories with my babies so much!

Good Times

Good times with good friends!!!!

So Proud

Sweet girl was so proud of her reindeer bandaid tonight.  She couldn’t figure out why I was laughing so hard every time I would try and take a picture of it!!!!

All For Them

When your feeling completely lost...

Remember who you are doing it for!

My Spot

My spot..... the only place that makes sense sometimes!!!!

I Still Don’t Know

Some days I still don’t know how I got so lucky!!!!

Today...

Wow today was one of those days I woke up not wanting to face, but end up realizing I was meant to be apart of!!!!

Today...

- I opened my eyes still exhausted from crying them out the night before 

- I made myself put one foot in front of the other and join the normal world around me

- I reminded myself as I got dressed that am just like every other person on this normal Tuesday morning

- I woke my children with a smile and a hug so that they wouldn’t see the pain in my eyes from my weak moment I allowed myself to have yesterday

- I prayed for God to remind me that I was a good or even the perfect Mother for these children he had blessed me with

- I allowed myself to question everything and lay in bed after my family had left for the day

- I coached myself as I drove to work to be aware of the blessings in front of me

- I witnessed a person show up unannounced and express to another that he was grateful for her care over 3 years ago

- I selfishly smiled as I was told my Brother was so handsome and that he and I shared the same eyes 

- I looked at the sneak pics of my kids photo shoot and saw something in the background that proved God has had a plan in place for many years

- I talked to a best friend on her daughters second birthday and remembered the struggle she felt with even getting pregnant and the sound of her voice the exact moment she called to tell me she was pregnant

- I then remembered the fear that friend expressed that she felt even sharing her happy news after all I had been through and realizing in that moment that maybe I was the unapproachable friend because of my loss

- I remembered all the times my sadness and heartache has helped others even when I didn’t want to be that strength 

- I looked at an unopened letter from my Aunt & Uncle

that I know contains the next step in my bible study or reading that is meant for me to read

- I stayed in a place scared to read the words my mentors I love so much as they open heartedly are trying to help me

- I told myself it was ok to move at my own pace when it came to my Faith and that those who love me understand and are not waiting for acknowledgement in their promise to walk with me always 

- I was moved by a story I had personally and silently prayed for 

- I got a notice that my pending transaction for a fundraiser of an innocent sick little boy had gone through,  even after I had beaten myself up because I was embarrassed I couldn’t afford more to  donate

- I received the gift of a simple cross in the picture shown in this blog

- I was shocked that after 6 years of living without my Braxton, and always knowing his number was 17 that I had never looked to see what bible verse 17:17 was

- I laid down to go to sleep and for the first time in a long time I cried tears of gratitude, tears of understanding and tears of promise!!!!!

Even if years after a loss you see a person continuing on with life please know that they are their because of the love and support that surround them.  Each day is beyond a battle for so many and the smallest little gesture can remind them that they are loved. And sometimes that gesture is exactly what they need to simply survive another second, minute, day or year.  You just never know how much the love and friendship you give truly means!!!!!

He Is Always Watching Over Them

I snapped this pic cause I wanted to show my Mom that they were rocking their Christmas pj’s in March lol.  But when I looked back at the pic I couldn’t help but be drawn to the bright light in the left corner.... that light that surrounds Braxton’s picture!  I had to sit down as I felt the air quickly leaving my body.  As I sat there staring at my babies playing I couldn’t help but see all of her were present in that room!!!

Our Angel Up In heaven

Our Angel up in heaven,

I wanted you to know,

I feel you watching over them,

everywhere they go.

I wish you were here with them,

but that can never be.

Memories of you in my heart,

that only I can see.

Our Angel up in heaven,

I hope you understand,

that I would give anything

If they could hold your hand.

I’d let them hold it tightly,

and never let you go.

And all the love inside of us,

to you they would show.

Our Angel up in heaven,

for now we are apart.

You’ll always live inside of us,

deep within our hearts!

Easy Like A Sunday Morning

Not too often we get half a day all together as a family lately!!!  These moments mean so much to me.  Even though lots of it is spent enforcing rules and teaching manners lol!  But still every moment together is worth it!  Brent and I both do a lot after working hours to provide for our kids and as much as I wish we didn’t have to do that it also makes me realize how important time together is!!!!  

Born Irish

When you go well over half of your life with O’Meara as your last name you can not hide you have Irish in your blood!  All my life my Mom sent my brother and I to school on Sts Patrick’s Day with clover stickers to pass out just in case any child dare to walk in without wearing green lol!  Then I overheard her on the phone this past week instructing my new Sister In Law ( new meaning 2 weeks fresh ) to pass out the Sts Patrick’s day stickers at work Saturday since she has to work lol!!!  So if you can’t see it now I will just point it out of you have the Irish Blood in your family you can’t deny it!!!!!  So of course my babies represented their Irish heritage loud and proud today  with matching t-shirts (which my Dad is sooooo against lately) and then Mommy and Daddy went to Patty In The Park to support my Dad in his Irish Party here in Lafayette!!!  So once again you have to see the obvious.... once Irish is in in your blood there is no turning back!!!!!!  Proud to say I come from many Irish family members before me and I hope to teach my kids how important your family bloodline has to teach you!!!

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️🍀

Birthday Buddies

What’s better than your birthday???  Sharing it with your Poorain every single year!  Leighton and her Poorain both share March 31st as their birthdays!  And since Poorain lives in Texas we got to celebrate it early this year!!  Electric scooter rides, dinner with the family, play dough projects and donuts for the birthday cake!!!!  That’s how we do birthdays around here!!!!!!

Visits With Bubba

Our morning started out the best way possible.... visiting Bubba!!  The weather was more than beautiful while we were there and the kids laughed and ran around the whole time.  It’s so peaceful there that it makes my heart so happy every time I imagine him looking down us while we are there and smiling!  As Jean Paul stood in the very back of the cemetery (the complete opposite end of where Braxton is laid) looking out over the graveyard I couldn’t help but wonder what his mind was thinking.  How would they be together if they were both here, would the fight constantly because they would be so much alike or just be complete opposites and mesh most of the time?  No way to know but I can tell you as their Mom I have a real good feeling they would be complete opposites in the personality department.  I may have a lot of unknowns about my sweet boy, but I do know with all my heart they are connected and always will be!

WHO NEEDS SUPERHEROES 

WHEN YOU HAVE A BROTHER 

WHO IS ALSO YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL!

Sorry Not Sorry

Well I’m sorry I didn’t have time to blog tonight, 

but I’m not sorry for the reason why!!!!!

Just A Normal Tuesday Around Here

So this sweet face sure is worth a rough day if it ends like this for me!!!!!  For the first time in months he wanted me to hold him for no reason.  I think we sat like this for 30 minutes and I would of sat longer if he would of let me!!!  My day started with an appointment at 7:30 AM and ended with us walking into the house at 8:15 PM!!   Just another day for us!  Some are busier than others but I must say we stay on the go most of the time!!!!  But to top off the long and somewhat stressful day I had personally before I even picked up the kids it ended with this....... well I’ll let you see for yourself lol!!!

  So basically to sum up our current bathroom strike we are having with Leighton and our new potty training progress phase one with Jean Paul I kind of feel I made need an all inclusive beach resort trip in order to survive this all lol.  Leighton who has recently decided to veto wiping her own booty for unknown reasons has declared if she has to do “that” then she would rather not go to big girl school.  Hmmmmmm well we will have to discuss that more because last I checked that really wasn’t an option; so when did she feel it was a choice ???  And why now???  Don’t know why or what is going on but I did not have the energy to finalize that portion of the crazy show we had going on tonight!  So stay tuned for the next episode of Leighton’s Bathroom Chronicles please!  Now for Jean Paul who has just turned 2 a week ago we are beginning the potty training steps.  As per his teacher he is interested and can start wearing pull ups and sitting on the big boy potty multiple times a day to get him comfortable!  So that starts Monday and well today is only Tuesday and I don’t have much to go by or know what to except; but from what I saw when I entered back into the bathroom this evening to get him out of the tub......  and from the looks of it I can’t say he is in what I would call the gifted or advanced group of the potty training academy!  So for now I guess my kids have let all hygiene/rules regarding bathroom etiquette go, but then again SHIT happens right lol??????  So this Tuesday has ended with me wiping and cleaning and even bleaching a tub while I can’t help but giggle through it all!!!!  Remember Sarah when you prayed for days to feel like a normal Mom?  Well here they are and I can gladly say it’s just another normal Tuesday around here!!!!

A Gift

The greatest gift our parents ever gave us was each other!!

After a long Monday seeing them together sure puts things into perspective!  I hope they always have a bond that is like no other!  

Rainy Days

Sometimes rainy days are the best!  The kids and I stayed in our pajamas all day long!  It’s crazy how sometimes rainy days are the best days!!!

Lots To Celebrate

We ran the roads today celebrating some of the many blessings we have as a family.  From a first birthday, to praying for a baptism and finally thanking Back god for the wonderful little boy we welcomed into our friendship family 2 years ago today!  We tried our hardest to make them all but with nap times and temper tantrums it was hard!  But when you have to use over a half a pack of wet wipes to clean the mud off your sons feet and your little girl tells you today was a good day you can’t help but think you did something right!  Each day is a blessing and I will never ever take one for granted!!!

All I Wanted For My Birthday

All I truly wanted for my birthday this year was to go to the bathroom in peace for once lol.  Well it’s exactly 7 days past my birthday and I have yet to see that birthday wish come true!!!!!  There’s always next year right?

You Should Of Known Better

So most people know and still to this day question why my best friend is Brent Carlson.  If you don’t know him then you will not understand this post at all lol.  To say he is my best friend is a true understatement, but it’s the truth and I’ve never hid it.  I can not tell you how many times I’ve have heard

 “Carlson... well Sarah you should of known better lol!”

  So when he called today to tell me he was bringing over Jean Paul’s birthday present I should of actually been worried due to the past lol.  

So as I sit here and repeatedly have to shoot nerf darts across my living room because:

1) this dart gun is way to big for a 2 year old

and

2) after each shot Jean Paul is so excited to bring it back to me and say “Do Again”

I can’t help but say to myself:

  Sarah when you asked him to be Jean Paul’s Godfather....

“You should of known better!”

And when he called you today and told you he got your baby boy a BB gun and you told him no so he showed up with  not one but two nerf guns....

“You should of known better!”

LOL!!!

But what I do know better than anyone else is that he is the best friend a girl could of ever asked for and he loves my kids like they are his own.  When my sweet Braxton entered heaven I held him for hours through the night after everyone who had been at the hospital all day for support went their separate ways.  And before the sun was even up the next morning; the morning we were going to have to say our last goodbyes to our son, my cell phone rang.  My best friends voice on the other end made me burst into tears as I heard him say “I know today will be hard and is for you and your family only, but I am in the parking tower if you need me!”  I guess I couldn’t speak through the tears fast enough because I then heard “And I have donuts lol!” Within minutes he was by my side again.  Although he had been there the whole day before and late into the night, he was back.  Now looking back I don’t know how he knew I needed him, but I have to smile as I think to myself:

“Now Sarah..... you should of known better!”

My Baby Boy Is Two

Hold him a little longer

Rock him a little more

Read him another story

You ‘ve only read him four

Let him sleep on your shoulder

Rejoice in his happy smile

He is only a 

LITTLE BOY

For such a little while

Happy Birthday Jean Paul Vincent!!!!

Mommy loves you bigger than the sky!

Jean Paul’s Birthday Eve

Exactly 2 years ago on this very night I was packing a bag for the hospital.  I was preparing to welcome my 3rd miracle into this world.  The anxiety was overwhelming and the fears were beyond control.  But at some point I had to agree to give it all to God.  Even though I was headed to the exact hospital that I became a Mother in and the exact hospital I had to leave without a baby in my arms 4 years before.  In between those 4 years I did give birth to a daughter, where I also had to face the same fears that still haunted me now.  And as scary as this was I remember the excitement that I felt too.  This was another chance from God to experience a miracle given to me no matter how long the grace period may be.  As I prepared for Jean Paul’s arrival I also had to arrange care for Leighton as well, which was something I had never had to do before.  Being that my entire family would be at the hospital for Jean Paul’s birth I had to look to my closest friends to help me.  Immediately one of my dearest friends; Casey, offered to help.  She asked to drop off Leighton and pick her up as well from daycare, she said she could do anything we needed in order to help.  Beyond grateful I accepted her help: but I remember thinking I couldn’t wait till it was her turn to be a Mom as well.  But what I didn’t know was that her time was coming sooner than we thought.  Casey had just recently accepted full responsibility and willingness to be on the foster care provider list.  This meant she had accepted and obtained all requirements to legally become a foster parent.  Excited and proud all of our friends and family waited patiently for the perfect child to come into her/our lives.  Since I was scheduled for a C-section it was understood I would stay a minimum 3 nights in the hospital.  I recall Casey coming to visit twice and getting a call while she visited one of those times.  Sadly the call did not work out in bringing home a baby, but within hours the perfect call came in.  And I don’t think I could make this up even if I wanted to write the perfect story, but one of my best friends and I ended up bringing home  baby boys on the same exact day.  Not only was this a dream come true but this was also one of my best friends that I also know was one of the most deserving ones too!  So selfishly two years ago I laid in this exact bed praying for my own sons health and safety not knowing that God had so much more planned for us.  I will never forget it or be able to repay her for what she has done for me in the form of friendship but I pray that her and Hayden feel the love we have for them every single day.  I do not think that I could of ever dreamed this would of been our reality today.  Two boys beyond different in looks, personalities and stories.... but the same in faith, hope and love!!!!  And much greater than that a friendship and bond that can not be bought!!!

After the mini party we had for Jean Paul’s birthday eve I can’t forget my birthday helper Leighton!  Ever since I can remember my Mom always made my brother and I’s birthdays special and memorable.  And that meant it was never complete without a birthday banner.  Five and a half years ago my Mom and I handmade a birthday banner for Braxton’s first birthday and ever since then I vowed to use it for all of my babies birthday morning celebrations.  Well this year was the first year I had help carrying on our little tradition as my little girl is almost 4 and beyond willing to help me!!!!  So after Jean Paul was fast asleep her and I hung the birthday banner and I told her the story of how and where this special banner began.  She tried to tell me she had helped for many birthdays, including Braxton’s first birthday.  This led to the story of how her and all her siblings became mine and daddy’s.  These are the moments that sometimes make me face the hardest facts, but these are also the moments I am most thankful for.  Just me and my daughter talking about her big brother and my first born son!!!!!

It Starts From Day One

After this weekend looking back on so many memories of my little brother growing up this picture sums it up completely!!!  From day one your little brother always is the big sisters biggest fan!!!  Jean Paul literally just turned into her groupie while she performed in the living room tonight.  No matter what she sang or how she sang it he was right there excited to hear it all!  

The Perfect Flower Girl

This weekend was spent witnessing my brother marry the love of his life.  I can’t wait to go through pics to post this week.  My whole family was honored to be a part of this big day!  But today as the happy couple drove off to start their new lives as husband and wife Leighton fulfilled her last duty as Poorain and Ney Ney’s flower girl!  She brought Bubba flowers from the wedding and as I listened to her tell him that she did a good job for the wedding and giggle as she told him about the loud music and dancing all night long I caught myself crying.  The tears were a mixture of emotions from such a special weekend.  But even though I wish more than anything Braxton could of been at his Godfathers wedding in person last night I know he was smiling down on him the entire time!  And as Leighton laid the 3 roses on his headstone today my heart felt proud knowing no matter what we always find a way to include him no matter what!

Today’s The Day

Poorain and Ney Ney are getting married today!

Happy Day

I don’t know if I could if asked for a better birthday!  I am so touched by all the birthday wishes I received today!  I have by far the best family and friends a girl could ever have!!!