I still have the recordings of the day you were born that I replay over and over just to remember the sound of your sweet little cries. Knowing I may only be allowed seconds with you I was scared before I even met you that I would forget what your cry sounded like. And still to this day I lay in bed many nights begging for you come to me in my dreams so I can hear you again. But recently I have found your soul in the sound of your siblings; Leighton & Jean Paul’s, laughter. The first time today I realized it and I felt chills as I was immediately taken back to the day I held you in my arms. It is a day I will never be able to completely explain, especially the overwhelming feeling of knowing I loved you before I had even met you. As I looked at your perfect little face, you stared back at me like you too had waited years to meet me. I don’t know who was more in love, me or you. But my sweet boy I was overcome instantly with the beauty of your soul and as much as I want to hate this day; the day I learned I may not get to keep you 6 years ago, I simply can’t make myself be angry. Because today I wanted to run away, I wanted to scream why at the top of my lungs, but today I found you in their laughter and today that was such a gift that I couldn’t feel the anger as much. And just hearing your presence in their little innocent giggles was like a firework show of love. I knew in that exact moment that I was blessed to hear you in them just as much as I know I was blessed to experience your cries the day you were born. Then within minutes of allowing myself to let go of the hate and anger I have for this day you sent me this sunset..... the single most powerful sign you have sent me so many times to simply say “Mommy it’s ok!”
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