On this night exactly 6 years ago I slept for the very last time...
The very next day we had our ultrasound appointment that we truly thought was only to learn the gender of our child, but sadly we discovered a lot more that day. So yes it has been 6 years since I feel like I have really slept without any type of worry, fear or even questions racing through my head. I know every mother worries constantly about their children, but I can honestly tell you that there is a difference once you have learned your child is suffering. Hopefully I am not sounding like I am trying to downsize a Mother's day in and day out stress and worry level, because that is the last thing I want to do. But I was that person who always looked across the street twice before crossing just in case I could prevent something bad from happening. I was also that girl who saw the world as a gift that had so much to offer. But after this night 6 years ago my worst fears had become my reality. A part of me died that day, the part of me that saw the good in the world, the part of me that thought worrying meant I was cautious and able to prevent bad things, a part of me that could relax and mostly the part of me that allowed myself to just go with the flow. So many things have happened in the last 6 years and even though we struggle still with the loss of our son Braxton, a lot of those things that have happened have been amazing. He is still ever present in everything we do and it is beyond wonderful witnessing his love touch people still till this day. But I am tired, the kind of tired that does not allow you to ever close your eyes and just sleep. This emotional tiredness even hurts physically some days, because I do not know if I will ever truly be ok with what has happened to us. I would never in a million years want to rewrite our story/journey and that may sound horrible to some. Yes I would of done anything and everything to save Braxton if it would of been allowed. But as each day passes I learn more and more that saving him was not my job and it was not how our story was supposed to be written. I am exactly where I am supposed to be and even in the exact chapter God wants me to be on. And on the days that I can't seem to fight the tears and I can't find the strength to be strong.... even then I am right where he wants me to be. I know my God sees my fear, sees my pain, sees my cries of questioning and I know he sees how tired I am. Yet each morning as I continue on one step at a time I hear something telling me to keep going. Most of the time that something is from the people around me. A simple text, a kind word, a hug that I know means more than just hello and especially the sound of his name..... BRAXTON. I will never understand why I was blessed to be his Mother, but I do know I will not allow the gift of an angel that I was given go untold of. I do not remember what it feels like to just climb into bed and drift off to sleep, but I do remember him and I do remember the love that he taught me.
And for that I will forever be grateful.
If I could go back to this night 6 years ago I honestly do not even know what I would tell myself if knew what I know now. The one thing I wish I could remember was that feeling of normalcy. Just for a second I would love to feel that again. But to feel that simple feeling of everything is normal and that simple feeling of I am like everyone else would mean I never had gotten to be his Mommy. And that is something I am not willing to ever give up or regret.
So yes I am tired, a type of tired I never knew existed till 6 years ago. But have you ever met a Mommy to tired to fight for her child? I don't think so!!!
I may only have his memory to still fight for but you better believe that even if I never sleep again I will do just that!
I love you Braxton Michael,
I always have
and I always will!
Hug your loved ones close every single night, because I promise you will never beg for a normal night till it's to late. Make each one count even if it's just a regular Wednesday night, make it count!!!
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