Silent Support

All humans have good and bad days we just pray the good days outweigh the bad!  Last night was a bad one for me.  Marriage is hard, parenthood is hard and overall life is hard.  Throw in losing a child  to marriage, parenthood and life and you have a whole new category.  I think that category is difficult to describe because it involves extreme grief and there is no rule book on how to grieve right. Sadly it is personal for each person and even sadder is that it doesn't come with an experation date.  Statistics show couples who lose a child have a higher percentage of divorcing and I can see how so.  It is a heavy weight that follows you everywhere.  In all honesty I try really hard to be strong and see the blessing in each and everyday but every few months I lose it.  And in true Sarah fashion I don't hold back and I lose it good.  It's like a fuse blows and I can no longer hold it in, almost as if the pain gets stacked and stacked and stacked on top of each other till it's just to much weight to carry and it has to break.  I usually start off slow and just a little irritated and as the day progresses I develop severe anxiety and get shakey.  The final phase is I start an argument with Brent that is totally unrelated to my true reason for being upset and once I have nothing left to argue about I completely crumble.  I break and basically become paralyzed with heartache and emotions.  Brent tries his hardest to console me each time but it isn't easy at all.  Sometimes it's extremely hard to explain to him why I still hurt the way I do because he is at a totally different place in his own grieving process.  And then I sometimes can't understand why he doesn't feel the way I do.  I have to remind myself that what I need is not what he needs and vice versa.  But sometimes you just need to be held.  So last night I asked for just that and since Leighton was already asleep in our bed I snuggled up behind her and Brent got in and snuggled up behind me.  And right there I laid in between a child who saved me and a man who wants to save me for many years to come.  As I laid there with no energy left in me I tried to explain to him that I think of my sweet boy before my eyes even open each morning and he is the last thing on my mind as I lay my head on my pillow each night.  Once again I found myself laying in my own tears in the exact bed that he held me on the night we found out Braxton was sick,  our whole painful pregnancy and the night we came home as new parents without their child.  And although it may seem like last night was taking a million steps backward in my grieving process it was the complete opposite.  The fact that I needed to be held and my husband still agrees to hold me in those moments shows he will always support me for as long as I need him too.  Silent support is sometimes more powerful than verbal support.  So I will continue to heal and continue to try harder, but I will also continue to miss him.  I need to learn to ask for what I need more and allow myself to break when I need to break.  It is simply amazing how lonely grief can be even when you are always surrounded by others.  Please remember that!  Remember that no matter the situation or the type of grief someone is or has gone through a hug can be a way of silently speaking to their heart.

God Gave Them To Me

God Gave Those Little Children To You, Mama - YOU!

No one else can mother them like you can.

You may have your work cut out for you.

But you're the one cut out to accomplish it.

And boy am I ready to take on the challenge!  

Now Mom Lost Her Energy

Well come Thursday's this Momma is tired!!!!!!  Especially with Jean Paul not feeling well the first part of the week then getting his shots, trucking his little booty  to Maw Maw's house in the mornings and then getting Leighton in the afternoons and heading back to Maw Maw's to get him and the list goes on and on and on!!!!!!!  It's safe to say I have lost my energy as Leighton says!  But today was our day for a visit with Bubba to bring him his Halloween treat!  Leighton was so excited!  If you were ever wondering who buys all those trinkets at the dollar store????  It's a family that visits the cemetery often.  It's like a gold mine for us.  The kids get beyond excited to pick out things for Braxton!  So no matter how tired I was I was not going to change our plans.  Once we got there the kids played and ran around a lot.  Leighton asked me to chase them.... Well that's once again when I was reminded how tired I am or maybe it's how old I am.  I mean when did this happen I can barely keep up with a 3 year old and 1 year old lol.  But then again I did touch up my grey hairs with my mascara this morning in the car so why am I so shocked with how old I am???  Well in the end the visit ended up being amazing!  I am so excited with how much they love being there, now that they are at this age the visits actually are more than just a little quick stop to say hi!  The visits are actually family time!  Time with all 3 of my kids!  It's a perfect afternoon if you ask me!

Including Him Means The World To Me

Knowing he is loved makes me so happy!  Today I got this pic from my Mom and it read:

" Stopped to see my first granchild and now going to pick up my other two!  

It's a great day!'

I don't even know how to describe how it made me feel.  The scariest thing for a Mother that has lost a child is that their child will be forgotten.  Even to hear him still recognized as her granchild outloud means the world to me.  And I do have to remind myself that losing Braxton did not just change my life, it changed everyone who loves us as well.  It is usually all about the Mom and Dad and how they are hurting, but people forget that siblings, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents etc. hurt too.  Braxton was the first granchild on my side as well as Brent & I's first born child.  My Mom is my backbone and my best friend.  Therefore, she hides a lot of her pain from me in order to sort of protect me in a way.  But I know she misses him just as much as I do.  So I love when she gets special time with her Lil Man just them two because she needs that time too.  She always brings him a yellow flower just from her.  And today she brought him his Halloween treat!  When I asked her if she brought him the new things I saw in the pic her response was "Of course!  I picked up treats for all my grandchildren today!"  All I could do was smile, becasue that's the little things I asked for.  I just want him included in our lives and remembered.  I will never be able to repay my friends and family for continuing to remember my sweet boy.  It may sound silly but it is the single most important thing to me.  

MY CHILD DID EXIST

I've lost a child, I hear myself say,

And the person I'm talking to just turns away.

Now why did I tell them, I don't understand.

It wasn't for sympathy or to get a helping hand.

I just want them to know I've lost something dear,

I want them to know my child was here.

My child left something behind which no one can see

So, if I've upset you, I'm sorry as can be.

You'll have to forgive me, I could not resist

I just want you to know that my child did exist.

Brother Lost His Energy

Yesterday when I walked into daycare to get the kids Jean Paul was all snuggled up on Mrs. Tricia's lap.  I knew that most likely meant he wasn't feeling good.  When he turned around to see me his cheeks were red and they told me he had fever almost at 103!!  Poor Turtle.  My kids always have gotten high temps even for simple earaches and teeth.  So we gave him a dose of meds and headed home praying it wasn't going to be a miserable night for him.  Leighton was super excited that Jean Paul not feeling good meant movie time all afternoon.  Once they both were settled on there own couches I started the painful task of trying to decide what was best for him to eat for dinner.  Luckily he kept repeating toast so we started there and that was a winner lol!  He wasn't his usual self for sure and even with the meds his chunky cheeks stayed bright red all evening.  Luckily the toast was just perfect for him and I snuggled him up on the couch again to rest and watch the rest of the show.  Ok so what do I do know?  I'm so used to then both wanting my attention in the afternoon to either play, go outside or play referee I didn't know what to do with them both chilling for the time being.  As I looked at the kitchen I decided that was not where I wanted to start (does anybody?) so I headed to start the first load of laundry.  Next thing I heard was "Mommy? Mommy?"  Then here comes Leighton with her head hung low and here bottom lip hanging even lower.  As I asked her what was wrong she looked up at me and in a pitiful and whiney little voice she said "Mommy Jean Paul lost his energy."  Now this all started last Friday when her and her cousin Calyn were playing together.  When Calyn took a little break from running back and forth with her she told Leighton she had lost her energy.  It was the cutest thing as I watched Leighton offer her to find it.  I truly wanted to explain to her it wasn't that easy to find your energy sometimes but I kept silent and watched and listened to their conversation laughing through the whole thing.  When Calyn was ready to play again Leighton was more than excited to report to me that she had found her energy again!  It was the cutest thing ever!  Well now she is all about energy all the time!!!  So I tried to hide my laughter and asked her how she knew Jean Paul had lost his energy.  Her eyes popped open wide like she was in total shock as she raised her hands up and said "Uhhhhhhh cause I opened his mouth and looked for it!"  Well that's where I lost it!!!!  I wish I had been in the living room to witness her prying his mouth open while he laid on the couch.  And then to top it off I couldn't help but wonder what the heck she thinks energy would of looked like if she swore she did see some in there!!!!!  I think this may be one of the best things about parenting...... cause man you couldn't make up some of the things they say if you wanted too!!!

Wanting A Better World For Them

My heart is so heavy today.  I literally feel myself being consumed with the Las Vegas tragedy.  I have cried on and off all day.  I can not even begin to imagine what any of them are going through or their families.  I can't figure out if this evil is all new or I just lived in a fairy tale world in my mind as a kid.  I wish some times I could go back to thinking like a kid again, where everyone is good and the world is perfect.  I know that is not how it works but I just wish for one day I could feel that again.  And that's where my heart hurts even more.... how do you shelter your children from all of this evil.  It seems to be everywhere we turn.  We aren't even allowed to feel safe in public, on planes or even at church in a way.  I know I can't protect them from everything but I do not want them growing up in a world with this much hate.  Tonight my prayers are with all of the victims and their families.  I couldn't wait to have my babies in my presence this afternoon.  More than ever we need to look to God!  If that is all I can teach my kids through this then that is where I will start!

Weekend Fun

This weekend was a go with the flow type of weekend.  We are always on the go and sometimes we need to chill and recharge!  We even got to see Uncle D and Aunt Gigi and play in target.  Leighton acted shy around the costumes but of course Jean Paul was ready to be the center of attention.  Hmmmm I wonder who he gets that from?????  Maw Maw & I took the kiddos to the library well....... This genius didn't bother to see what time they closed.  So after we got there and got settled we hear over the loud speaker " the library will be closing in 20 minutes" LOL!  Seriously!!!!  All me and mom could do was laugh because it's the story of our lives and especially when we are together.  Half of that 20 minutes was spent cleaning up blood from a minor accident Leighton had with a chair but we all ended up leaving with smiles!  The kids enjoyed the short visit and each got to check out one thing each!  Next we headed to say hey to Pepa at home.  There the kids found their silly pants and put in a show for us that was very entertaining.  Still baffles me that chasing each other around can be so amusing to them.  When we got back home our neighbors we all hanging out so we joined them and played till we were all tired out!!!!  Then this morning we got to celebrate our friend Hayden's 2nd birthday with breakfast!!!  Brent promised the kids after nap we would all go for a boat ride.  And we did but that will require another post cause phew that was an adventure lol!  I truly enjoyed the time we had together this weekend.  We did have a few tears and whines but we got through them!