She Went

Well today was a big day!  My baby girl is growing up and spreading her wings.  She is having her very first weekend getaway..... WITHOUT MOMMY!  Of course she has slept at Maw Maw & Pepa's (my parents) and her Mimi & Poppa's (Brent's parents) houses.  But those are in Louisiana, this time she is in Texas.  yes all the way in Texas, which as I know is only one state away but that doesn't make me feel any bit better.  Not even a tiny bit better.  This time she is at her Poorain & Ney Ney's house (my brother & soon to be sister in law).  They have been asking for a long long time for her to come for a weekend and the time has finally come.  Brent and I have never been comfortable with it till now only because of the distance away..  And as I headed down I-10 this afternoon to meet Renee half way I started questioning myself and trying to figure out why I said yes.  I know in my heart she is going to be well taken care of and have a great time but then why was it so hard to drive away?  Literally, for the last two weeks every single moment Leighton's eyes were open she has been asking if today was the day she was going to get to go to Texas?  Don't know why it has been sticking in her mind so much lately, but it's all she can think of for sure.  

- as we sat their waiting for Ney Ney to pull up I quickly started thinking maybe she will change her mind but -- she went 

- even though her face looked like it was going to hurt because she was smiling so hard when it was time to switch cars I still thought just maybe she will back out but -- she went

- as I buckled her in she said "mommy you can come with us if you want"  and my heart skipped a beat and I thought this was where she would start to get sad but -- she went

- as I watched them drive away and her little hand wave from the back seat I waited for their car to stop abruptly because she wasn't sure but -- she went

- and as I pretended to pull off but secretly went to the other side of the parking lot to wait for them to come back but -- she went

- and while I sat their sobbing because she never flinched or even remotely questioned if she wanted to go I asked myself why I was trying to hold her back and realized even though I wanted her to stay with me but -- she went

- and the moment I got the first pic of them already at the park sliding down the slide and having a dance party in the living room to Disney songs I sighed and told myself even though it's hard I know deep in my heart I'm glad -- SHE WENT!!!

What Happens When Daddy Dresses You

I can still see the vision in my head.....

•  the smell of homemade muffins in the oven
•  fresh squeezed orange juice in a glass pitcher on the kitchen table
•  tiny outfits perfectly ironed laid out on the couch
• me completely dressed and makeup done wearing my apron ready to serve breakfast
• Brent sitting at the island on the stool reading his paper and sipping coffee
• gentle back rubs and good morning songs to rouse my kids awake each morning 
• me backing out of the driveway just at the time my automated sprinklers turn on to water my yard

NOPE NONE OF IT HAPPENING AT THE BERGERON HOUSEHOULD FOR THE MORNING ROUTINE!!!!  Yep that was what my life was going to be... picture perfect, or at least in my head that's what it was going to be.  Man if that isn't the farthest from the truth now.  It's actually almost hysterical to think I tought that could be reality LOL.  Well to be completely honest not one of those things happens on a daily basis at our house.  I have never been a morning person, I have never pretended to be a morning person and I do not see myself ever becoming a morning person.  Soooooo I do not know why I thought that would miraculously happen once we had kids under our roof to raise, but I did!  Boy oh boy was I wrong.  Let's just take this morning for instance!  Well I'll even go back a little more and just share from the time we went to bed till we walked out the house this morning to humor you even more, or maybe it will make you feel better about your own morning routine.  

11:00 PM - Finally the kids are in bed and asleep for a good while now, the few things that had to be done or else the house would reek tomorrow or we would be left going to work naked are complete and the night night process wasn't to brutal I must say.  So Brent and I make our way to get into bed.  The night owl in me can't just do that easily so of course I lay there watching TV till I make myself turn it off.  ( I mean I had to catch up with Big Brother Right?)

12:30 AM - I am still tossing and turning making deals with myself if I can just go to sleep I promise this and that.  Almost like when I bargain with the kids to just do what I want lol.

3:00 AM - I am woken up by screams from Jean Paul's room.  I give him the couple of minutes to calm himself and he doesn't so I throw the covers back and slam my feet to the floor.  Not because I am upset with him but because I want Brent to wake up and hear me, cause we all know if Momma isn't getting sleep she is only gonna make Daddy know about it.  This playing field needs to be even CORRECT? Lol.  Well he wakes up and asks "Where are you going?"  "Um you don't hear him he is screaming his head off?" I say.  Brent replies never lifting his head "I just brought him some milk give him a little bit and see what he does!"  OOPS BACKFIRE.  I climb into bed feeling like total dog s **t for trying to be loud to wake him because I thought he just didn't want to get up or wanted to act like he didnt hear him.

4:00 AM - I feel feet in back and I turn over to find Leighton in between Brent and I.  Not all cute and snuggled up either.  She is for sure dreaming she has found her first site of snow and needs to make a snow angels.  I mean how could that position she is in even be remotely comfortable I wonder to myself.  So I bring her back to her room where she begs me to lay with her.  Not having any energy to argue or say no I just climb into bed with her.  

5:00 AM - My alarm will be going off in about 15 minutes but I know I'll snooze at least 5 times.  I convince myself to go back to my room and at least get a good 30-45 minutes restful sleep, because lord knows I never truly feel asleep in Leighton's bed, you know with how OCD I am the fear of not getting up in time and screwing up everyone's whole day lol.  I mean who wants all that extra baggage to blame on themselves all day if it happens.

6:15 AM - After hitting the snooze button way to many times I roll out of bed.  Brent still asleep and THANK YOU BABY JESUS the kids are still sleeping, which means I get to shower before anyone else wakes up.  If I don't do this there is no promise to how much attention I will get to pay to myself before I have to leave.

6:40 AM - I exit my room with foundation and powder only accomplished on myself, wet hair and a robe that I can guarantee is at least 15 years old.  I can hear Mickey Mouse Clubhouse playing as soon as I open my bedroom door.  This means Leighton is awake and sitting in her Daddy's chair with: her hair a mess, PJ's still on, milk in a sippy cup in her hand and her eyes glued to the TV.  Yep I swore I would never allow the TV to occupy my kids while I needed to do other things, but dang it, it is such a helpful resource when I need just a few more minutes to accomplish something lol.  As I round the corner she sees me and springs out of the chair and runs to hug me "Mommyyyyyyy!" Yep best feeling in the world.  She is still at the age where to see me is exciting.  I mean chick I literally just got out of your bed laying next to you barely 2 hours ago.  I go to her room pick out her clothes, pass by the  bathroom and put toothpaste on her toothbrush and grab a bow and pony tail.   Next she stands in front of me as I dress her as she somehow becomes the mannequin girl.  No help at all, I have to repeat multiple times for her to focus or at least help me out a tiny bit.  Do any of y'all know how hard it is to put on shoes when you are working with a leg that will not bend??????  During this time I have to also keep reminding her to brush her teeth.  I threaten to turn of the TV around 7 times and I usually have to change her hair do because of the melt down that plays out in front of my eyes because her hair won't match Sophie or Klaire's at school today.  I pretty roughly tell her well you will be unique as she sobs, I give in and change her hair as I say to myself "I mean seriously how do you even know how Sophie and Klaire's mommies are doing their hair today!"  Ughhhhhhh. Brent rushes past me most mornings to wake Jean Paul and change his diaper and release him to run like a wild man into the living room with puffy eyes.  I tell him his eyes wouldn't be puffy if he would sleep like everyone else does in the world as he keeps saying No No No.  If Brent doesn't rush past me to Jean Paul's room to wake him then he is running to the front bathroom, because his digestive timing is scheduled at the BEST times and always has been.  And I must admit he is not quick at much lol.  And people who know him will agree he takes his time for EVERYTHING!!!  Time to dress Jean Paul, whom has discovered that if he hugs me for long periods of time then I am incapable of getting him ready.  And sucker me can't turn down morning hugs.  I finally have him dressed but usually shoeless and release him.  He runs to the side table and grabs Leighton's toothbrush since she can't seem to remember where it belongs, and he puts it in his mouth Nooooooooo gross Jean Paul.  Oh what the heck do what you want.  Brent usually enters back into our world of getting ready about this time. I'm chasing Jean Paul with a wet hair brush to attempt to tame his wild hair, which recently he hates.  And Brent he good parent says who is ready to go bye bye?  Me Me Me they both scream and like clockwork he tells them both to kiss Mommy and one at a time they run to me and kiss me with their sweet faces and walk out the front door.  Usually Brent screams across the house have a good day as he is leaving, because I am already rushing to finish getting ready.

Phew I look at the clock if it's not past 7:05 we have done good!!!  Now to pick up the mess we made and rush to get myself ready I can head to work.  So:

• no homemade breakfasts, I am beyond grateful our sitter feeds them this meal
• no fresh squeezed orange juice, it is more like milk that somehow always seems to be the last of the gallon, these kids make us think we need to buy a cow to save money with the amount of milk they drink
• no outfits nicely laid out, I will admit I do iron my babies clothes but I am usually digging through drawers trying to find something that matches
• instead of Brent sitting at the island I hate to be honest but he is usually sitting on the porcelain throne
• no gentle back rubs to wake them up, it is usually they have beat us up or we are saying come on get up, get up hurry
• and when I exit the driveway their are no automated sprinklers on my perfect yard, it is usually me seeing a toy I forgot to pick up yesterday in the grass and then I usually am frantically texting a neighbor to see if I closed the garage since I don't know where my mind was when I was leaving

So this is our routine and its far from the vision I had lol.  Now this morning our normal was a little off.  I tossed Brent Leighton's clothes to dress her and well you can see how well that worked for us.  So I guess the new normal is really the unnormal huh???  But, I wouldn't change it for the world.  Well maybe I would ask to be a little more of a morning person or a little more organized if I could LOL.

The Nights Are The Hardest

No need for a long post tonight.  The quote speaks for itself!  When your brain that never shuts off combines with your heart that is missing a huge peace of it...the nights become the hardest part of the day.

The Reason Behind My Blog

Well as I started looking back at our journey through pics, I am in shock that it has been 5 years since it truly began.  Of course I believe my journey started long before that, but the actual point where God said it was time for us to learn that he was in control and not us, was 5 years ago.  My reason behind this blog was originally to share Braxton's story only.  Although, as I sit here looking at other posts on facebook that I have shared I almost feel like more needs to be told.  If my goal is to reach lots of people who may feel peace or hope then the whole story must be told.  And by that I mean the WHOLE TRUTH!!  Which is not just how amazing Braxton is, or how we witnessed a miracle the blessed day we had with him, but also the following:

- the fear we experienced during our pregnancy for nearly 20 whole weeks

- the faith that was restored

- the loneliness that was felt during and after Braxton's passing

- the amazing support system we have had every step of the way
- the special time we did have with Braxton
- the emotions we experienced for Braxton's birth-day
- the lessons we learned along the way, even on the days we seemed to hit road blocks

- the way men and women experience the loss of a child extremely different, or honestly any type of grief 

- the shock of learning our Genetic part in Braxton's condition

- the terror of hearing because of our DNA we may never have children capable of life

- the Dr's and Medical Teams determination & devotion to our family

- the eagerness of certain Dr's to never give up on us

- the risk we took to move forward with having more children

- the toll it took on us to choose life no matter what

- the way IVF became a common factor in our future

- the pain & guilt we struggle with even today 5 years later

- the birth of our other two children and how they ended up ours

- negative comments we have heard as well as the people who have told us they believe in us
- the many many things Braxton has taught us

These are just a few of the things that make up our journey!  But I would honestly like to know what others want/need to hear to benefit from this.  And no you do not have to be a grieving mother to do that, any one post could touch anyone I feel.  And it can also shine some light on why sometimes it pays to do what your heart is telling you to do.  So I will be inserting a poll on the right hand side of the blog where you can actually express what you feel I should blog about.   Just check the boxes of any of the topics I have listed (multiple boxes may be checked.)  Your feedback would mean so much to me as I start preparing which direction to go with all this.  I am and always have been very open about our journey, but there still are many details that many people do not know as well!  So vote away!!!

My blog will highlight our back story as well as our current journey!!!  Cause even though I have faced loss that I pray no else ever  has too face;  I am still human and have mom days I want to pull my hair out.  I am beyond blessed when you consider I was told my dream of having my own family would probably never become a reality.  But I still have to remind my self on the hard days of crying, temper tantrums and no sleep that this is what we prayed for!!!!!!  Well honestly we not only prayed we begged!!  So I hope you join me on the crazy ride we call life and maybe learn that we may have more in common than you think!  Because at the end of the day we are all here on borrowed time, and each of us has our own trials and journeys to share with others along the way!

Mom of the Year Award

So I am pretty sure I am not receiving the Mom of the Year Award anytime soon based on our July 4th escapades!!  Within 24 hours I managed to allow both Leighton (3) and Jean Paul (1) to seriously harm themselves.  Yes Yes Yes I know I can not be everywhere at all times, but I do like to pretend I have it all under control LOL. 

Leighton's Escapade:
 The night before Independence Day we were hanging out with our neighborhood friends like always and the time had come for fireworks.  I was adamant that we were not doing any because my kids were to young and would be the ones to get hurt.  Well wouldn't you know Leighton rose to the occasion; our little over achiever.  And I must add that she was so terrified last year of Pop Pops; as she calls them, I figured oh what the heck we will be inside shortly anyway.  NOPE not this year she was running around with all the kids in amazement while as usual Jean Paul just sat there eating snacks as if nothing was going on.  As moms we swear all the bad things happen that one second you look away, well it is true.  Next thing I know I hear loud screaming and crying.  Leighton runs up to me as some of the older kids are saying she burned herself.  Mom mode took over and as we assessed the situation we could see her thumb and pointer finger tips were black.  Being that we were pretty sure she picked up a stink bomb we honestly thought it was the powder coloring from the outside of one.  She honestly did not cry as long as I would of guessed but we headed home to Dr her up!  After I got Jean Paul to bed I came back in the living room to see my husband, Brent with the burn gel and Band-Aids spread out everywhere.  Leighton looked up at me with puppy dog eyes and said " Mommy the Pop Pops burned me."   As I felt my heart drop I looked at Brent as he mouthed "it's pretty bad."  After she was in bed Brent then told me that it was not powder that was on her fingers they were indeed black from being burnt.   That night I asked Brent over and over If he thought she was ok and what if I would of just made her sit by us instead of running around with the other kids???  For the next few days it was a battle to get Leighton to let us take off her band aids to check them unless they would randomly fall off while she was playing and didn't notice.  But by far saddest part was each night at bath time she would scream bloody murder in the tub as the blister would get wet.  The sound of her crying was like a dig in my heart each time, saying "way to go mom you failed again."

Jean Paul's Escapade:
July 4th we made plans with our very good friends we grew up with!  The Cappel's are not just friends they are our family.  Growing up our families did everything together, but as you get older life gets busier and get togethers do not happen as much.  So when they invited us over for a BBQ and swimming we were in!!!  So all day we swam, played and ate!  Both of my kids barely got a 30 minute nap that day, but they were having so much fun I didn't even care.  Fast forward to that evening when we get home.  Brent heads out to cut grass (his second job) while I let the kids relax with a movie and play because it was honestly to late for a nap anyway.... And we all know what happens when you let them have a late nap.  Well I walked into our front bathroom for a quick potty break, that was literally all of maybe 3 minutes long.  As I walk back into the living room I see Leighton on the couch watching her show, but no Jean Paul.  Now you must know Jean Paul has completely rocked our world in just 16 months.  I mean this kid needs barely any sleep and does not care if he gets in trouble because he literally laughs at consequences and punishments!!  So off I go Jean Paul? Jean Paul where are you?  I finally make my way to our master bedroom bathroom (we have a 1500 square foot house but when you can't locate a child it feels like 3000) and find him sitting on the floor with his back to me.  There you are Turtle  (his nickname)!  Cue the gasps and the mom saying No No what is that?  He looks up at me smiling as he is swishing little purple and white capsules around on the floor with an empty medicine bottle next to him.  Yeah the kind that is kid proof.... Well this kid should of been in on the strength trial for this company because clearly he found his way into it.  I pick him up swoop his mouth to find it empty and occupy him with a toy and start counting pills.  15 ok look on the bottle Qty dispensed 30 and date dispensed 24 days ago.  But I don't freak out yet because I know I had another bottle I was using at the time I filled this, but then it hits me that means I have know way of knowing if he took any?  FREAK OUT TIME.  Ok so I tell myself it's bath time for him since that always keeps him happy and meanwhile Poison Control gets a call from me.  The lady was extremely kind and understanding as I cried to her on the phone.  She made a lot of valid points leading to evidence that more than likely he did not take any.  But to be safe she told me to watch for certain signs ( most of which I convinced myself he had because he was so tired from swimming all day ) and she informed me to keep him up till she called back in an hour for an update.  Brent rushed home more than likely because he could barely understand me through my tears on the phone.  Oh and for the fact that he knows I sort of over react to EVERYTHING LOL.  After the hour we were allowed to let him sleep but were advised to check on him hourly through the night.  All of which we did but when he woke up around 5 AM I didn't let him soothe himself back to sleep I went in and rocked him back to sleep and just held him, because I finally felt like I could actually breathe again.

So no I am not gonna get the Mom of the Year Award anytime soon if that day is involved in the nominee process!!  My mom told me she understood how much I felt defeated, but she also warned me that I will have many more scary moments in the future.  Because that's what being a mom is.  I can honestly say it reminded me once again of how precious Gods gift of life is to us, and how much it truly takes to protect them.  But that's just it we are also human and we can only do so much.  Could I have put my foot down about the fireworks or held in my pee a little longer.... ABSO FREAKING LUTELY but sometimes we just have to trust that what's meant to happen will happen.  Sometimes I have to not be the Helicopter Mom who hovers over her kids because deep down she is scared beyond reason to lose another child.  The painful thought of knowing it has happened to me before haunts me daily.  But with Braxton I wasn't able to protect him in the way I can my other two.  So it's a hard balance between why me? How did that happen? and When will I be blindsided again?  So many fears.  I am their mother, I am supposed to protect them always..... and that is one of the biggest guilt trips I replay over and over in my head about Braxton.  Even if his disease was part of Gods plan, I am his mother, I was supposed to protect him.  And as crazy as it sounds I still feel like I let him down, because in the end I could not fix him.  I pray every single day that he knows in his heart I would of given my life for his, I would of done anything to save him.  But for now, I think he sent me Leighton and Jean Paul to take care of the best way I know how, and that is with true/undying love.  The type of love that physically makes you hurt when your kids hurt....  A Mother's Love!

A Moment of Peace

This back yard and those horses in the pasture saved me during my pregnancy with Braxton and on the lonely/quiet days.  This picture means so much to me as I sit here in awe of GODS plan!  I prayed, I obeyed, I listened, I waited, I gave him back the greatest gift he ever gave me, I ached, I cried, I hurt beyond reason and I still find it hard to function some days but today I have peace.  These days come and go but today I choose to embrace it and understand it!  Tomorrow may be different because that's the life of a grieving mother, but today there is peace!!!  And for that I am grateful!!!!  One day of peace can heal many hard days and the days of peace are worth waiting for because I know my God is forever giving and faithful!

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