Best Feeling In The World

Secretly wishing that tonight would never end!!!!!

You Are

As I visited you today; my sweet boy, I found myself apologizing.  I feel so lost lately and never want you to be ashamed of me.  Please know Mommy is trying so hard to hold it all together!  But as I sat there in the cemetery staring at your picture...

I couldn’t help but admit that:

When I am lost, 

you always seem to be my direction.

When I am tired,

you are my energy.

When I am feeling my weakest,

you are my strength. 

When I am scared,

you are my comfort.

When I am sad,

you are my smile.

When I am at the point of giving up,

you are my drive.

When I am anxious,

you are my calm.

When I am speechless,

you are my words.

When I make it through another day,
you are my reason.
When I am asked who my hero is,
you are My Son.
When I feel completely empty,
you are my Everything!!!

No Watch Wednesday

Yesterday my brain was beyond fried from training at my new job and on top of that the kids turned their whining key on the moment I picked them up!  So in the moment I made a decision..... as they bickered in the back about who was going to get to pick what show to watch when we got home for snack time I told them “well nobody will be picking any show today!”  Immediately I heard over and over “Why Mommy? Why Mommy?”  Without even thinking I said “because today is No Watch Wednesday!!!”  Of course the questions started rolling out and so did the tears lol!  But at the end of the day after a visit to the pond, puzzle time and even Leighton helping me organize a few kitchen cabinets everyone was smiling!  Look I’ll be the first to admit the TV is a very convenient babysitter sometimes, but I don’t want them to think that’s all there is to do!  Hopefully we can have more of this quality time and maybe even make some new routines that will show them how fun it is to play together!!!

Don’t Let The Happy Pics Fool You

Awww don’t the pics look so cute and happy?????  Yeah don’t let them fool you! 

Truth =

- More tears than I have seen in months

- Near bribing to get them to just pretend they wanted to make a pizza with me

- Leighton smashed into the dishwasher, a chair and grabbed a hot pizza pan within 5 minutes

- Burn cream is clear so unable to see in the pics that honestly are pretty much fake news lol

- Jean Paul took a bite of over 10 pepperoni’s then flung them like frisbees as he screamed “I can’t like pepper-smonnies and then when I took them away screamed “I more pepper-smonnies!”

- A broom and wet mop was required after the pizza process

- Not one piece of pizza was eaten..... which I can agree with their “why” they didn’t eat it lol

At the end of the night I pretty much feel like this was more of a Pitty Pizza Party rather than just a fun Pizza Party Night!

HUGE MOM FAIL!  But lesson learned delivery is now on speed dial people and I am not ashamed to admit that!!!!!  

Are You Scared Mommy

I truly don’t know how to even begin to describe the pureness of a child’s heart.  Today I went to orientation for a new job!  I have not had to do this in 12 years y’all!  To say I feel completely out of sorts is an understatement.  I mean last time I applied for a job I printed out my resume and walk in and physically handed it to a human being lol.  Nope not these days everything is online and if you can’t figure it out you better find someone who can teach you quick!!!!  But even though this new journey is unexpected and scary it is a new season for me.... new beginnings!  I truly hope I can find somewhere I fit right in as well as be challenged, appreciated and happy!  So this morning as I got ready in my scrubs; which my kids haven’t seen me in for about three weeks now, Leighton gave me a very confused look.  “Mommy where are you going?”  I told her Mommy was going to a new place today with new people and new adventures!  As she looked at me with the puppy dog face that I knew meant.....oh so I can’t convince you to let me stay home with you today lol.  She asked “are you scared?”  I sat next to her and decided it was best to tell her the truth.  “Yes Peanut, I am a little scared, but it’s ok to be scared sometimes.”  I quickly explained that new things and places can be a little bit scary, but that they can also be fun and exciting.  Lastly I told her I would get to meet new friends and that I knew in my heart I was going to have a great day.  And that was that.  No more questions, yes she had a few more tears but hey she has been sick for almost 5 days now so she was getting used to being with me ALLLL day lol.  Fast forward to this afternoon when I was loading her in the car after daycare.  That sweet face looked at me straight in the eyes and asked “Mommy was it scary at your new place you went today?”  Again I opted for the truth of the matter.  “Yep but you know what?  It was a little scary because it was my first day, but I ended up having a really good day and met lots of nice people!  And I can’t wait to go back and learn more tomorrow!”  “Oh good cause today at rest time I was laying down with my eyes shut praying for you!”  Well how do you respond to your 4 year old coming out with that?  I mean besides tears how do you respond???  “Well I bet that is why I kept feeling that little tug at my heart and wasn’t scared anymore isn’t it?”

“Yep that was me Mommy!”

YES SWEET GIRL THAT SURE WAS YOU!!!!!!!

They Wanted To Not Be Sick

Well the past 5 days have been long for the Bergeron’s!!  I can say hands down the is the worst sickness to hit this house all at one time in a longgggggg time.  My poor babies wanted to feel better so bad.  Sometimes I truly believe they were trying to convince themselves!  At one point nothing seemed to make anyone even slightly happy except makeup and figurines in Mommy’s bathroom.  I didn’t say a word if it made them happy for even 5 minutes I was all for it.  I went in my closet to grab something and came out and saw both of them laying on the floor.  They just couldn’t make their little bodies have the energy they wanted them to have.  It was so hard to see them not themselves.  But I can say I learned something new these past few days.  I learned that the love I have for them is deep and much stronger than any love you can learn.... it is within me even though they may not ever understand it!  At one point I caught myself face to face with two sick kids with the most horrible little sick breaths fuming from their mouths.  As they sat in my lap crying and physically trying to get closer to me than is humanly possible I allowed it.  I learned that even with their stinky sick breaths I love them fully.  I loved their stinky sick breath and as I write it I know it sounds so weird lol.  But I am thankful for the chance to be their Mommy and for the opportunity to try with all my might to make them feel better!!!!  A Mom never stops loving, giving or trying when it comes to her children!!!

Be Still My Heart

I seriously am running on empty after the last 4 days.  These babies have been fighting sickness nonstop and I am trying so hard to stay on step ahead of it all on my end.  I’ve cried out, freaked out and even prayed out loud asking God for guidance while in the same breath thanking him for trusting me to be their Mommy!  And as I sat with Leighton tonight; after a long day, she brought up my wedding ring again.  This time she asked me why I had 3 rings on one finger.  As I began to explain each one to her she asked me if she could wear them while I told her the story!  Of course I couldn’t argue with that!  As we sat there hand in hand I told her about each band:

1) My engagement band: I told her the story of the day her Daddy proposed to me. 

2) My wedding band: I told her if the picture perfect wedding day.

3) My 2nd band:  a band I never thought about even wanting.  This band I told her was given to me on Mommy and Daddy’s 5th wedding anniversary.  I was visiting Braxton at the cemetery when Daddy showed up with a surprise.  To our own surprise it was also the same day we learned we were having her!!!!  

I don’t honestly know how I held the sobbing tears in.  As I heard the words coming out of my own mouth I realized how very special it is that my sweet Leighton is obsessed with my rings!!!  I hope one day at the right time I do get to give her my 2nd band.  A gift from me to her, just as the gift of her was to me and still is every single day.