There is so much in my life that I am beyond blessed to have, but I do not know if I have shared one of my oldest blessings. This blessing has been in my life for 30 years! I can still remember the day he came into my life I do not think there was anyone more proud than me that day. I prayed and prayed and prayed for him for so long. You see for 6 whole years I was an only child. To say I wanted a baby brother is an understatement because it was more than a want it was a need. To the point that my parents may of had a huge problem on their hands if he would of been a girl lol. I do not even know how to begin to describe what my brother; Robert, means to me. A lot of people have always assumed that since we were not close in age that we are not close. Well it is the complete opposite. All our lives we have been extremely close and the perfect team. Of course we had the normal sibling feuds growing up, but honestly there were not many. I have never had someone else truly love me for me all of my life. He not only has been my partner through so much, he has had to be my protector and my shield many times too. It was not until we lost Braxton that I began to understand what I meant to him. I always knew he meant more than life to me and I always knew he loved me just as much.... but it wasn't until he saw me go through something so painful that he opened up and I saw myself through his eyes. I am still actually very moved and honored with what he explained to me my worth to him is. Through tears I remember telling him one time that I was sorry I had let him down. I truly felt like I was not the strong older sister anymore because at that time I felt so completely lost. I can still see him sitting across from me wiping his own tears and then looking down and away the way he always does when he can't fight back crying anymore. Next the words that came out of his mouth shocked me more than almost anything I had ever heard. He began to explain how he was confused with God and his doing? My heart ached as I listened to him try and defend me and how I had been done wrong in his eyes. He was struggling emotionally with what his beliefs were now. Almost devastated I asked him why he thought that maybe he didn't have it in him to believe in God anymore? I even tried to plead with him about does this mean he didn't believe my Braxton; his Godchild, was even in heaven? He calmly told me he believes with all his heart that Braxton is in heaven, but that he was still very torn in his relationship with God. Crushed I felt like again I had been the one to let him down, because of what I was going through he may never feel the same way about his religion or faith. In his own words he told me: " Sis if God can allow this to happen to you; my sister, the greatest person I have ever known... then I don't know if there is a God. Because you are the last person that should ever have to hurt this way. It is not fair." In that moment I did not see a 25 year old man, I saw the little boy that I grew up with. The little boy that still saw me as his big sister, the greatest person on Earth. For the first time in my life I saw my worth in someone else eyes, and it was pure, it was real and it was true love! I never knew that he didn't see any of my faults as we grew up and boy do I have some I jokingly tried to tell him. He would not hear me and argued over and over with me till I finally had to just let him have his vision of me being the big sister he has always believed me to be. I tried to tell him that I felt in my heart God did not do this to me or Braxton, yet he blessed me with something much greater. He blessed me with the honor of being a Mother to an Angel, an Angel he felt was needed in heaven more. I heard myself describing my journey as being more than fair because it was something I was trusted with because of how strongly I believed that we would be together again. I knew I had been distant from God for a very long time and that this was him calling me back to him. Hearing those words come out of my mouth was more profound and eye opening to me than I can explain. Until that moment I didn't even know I even believed it all myself. I needed this conversation more than he did I know that now. I also tried to explain to him that I needed him to believe more than ever now, because I needed him to truly believe Braxton is in heaven. I also remember beginning to yell because I was so scared that this would scar him forever. The conversation ended with lots of tears and hugs and Robert agreeing that in his own time he too would try to understand his beliefs and also his trust in God. He may not be to happy with me sharing this special moment with everyone, but I feel like it is beyond important to show how many people are affected by loss and grief. Everyone goes through so much and it is all in their own time. And during their pain and hurt they have the right to question everything, even God. I believe that with all my heart because there are still days I find myself doing the same. All journeys in life are lessons. And at the right time we will learn from them and take what we needed from them to grow. I have no right to question anyone with what they feel or believe because I know in my heart I have not always lived the faithful life God had planned for me. I am still learning just like everyone else, but as long as I can be there for my brother as he finds his way then I know he will find his way when the time is right. I selfishly thought I was hurting more than anyone else and some days I still have that mindset. But the truth is our loved ones hurt just as much, and sometimes maybe even more because they have to watch the ones they love most hurt with no way of truly fixing their pain. And as Robert described... "it is an extremely helpless feeling." I am beyond proud to have the brother I was blessed with 30 years ago. I love him more than I ever think I was supposed to be programmed to love him, but he is so worth every bit of love and happiness this world can give him. I pray every single night that my kids have the same relationship with each other like I do with Robert. The love between siblings is beyond comparison and irreplaceable. Thank you Robert John O'Meara for always loving me for me; I hope you know that you will always be more than just a little brother to me!
"To the outside world, we all grow old.
But not to brothers and sisters.
We know each other as we always were.
We know each other's hearts.
We share private family jokes.
We remember family feuds and secrets,
family griefs and joys.
We live outside the touch of time."
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