I went to take Braxton’s tree down at the cemetery today but I couldn’t. I just sat there shivering in the cold staring at it. As the tears fell I started to ask him how, why and tell him I was so sorry. All the things that I conquer in my head, in my heart and in my pain always seem to resurface. So I find myself going through the same questions and mostly the same guilt over and over again. I do understand it’s the viscous cycle of grief, but the one thing that always calms me is the song I first heard within weeks of learning about Braxton’s life only being capable of surviving if in my womb. And as I pulled out my phone to take a pic of his Christmas tree one last time I found myself pulling up that song and playing it as I stood by my sons headstone crying. By the time the song had ended I already felt the wave of peace I needed. Before I knew it I was wiping my tears and thanking God for the amazing gift he gave me by allowing me to carry Braxton. And as I smiled I thought to myself today is not the day to pick up his tree, it can wait. Today I am going to listen to the words of my sweet boy and I’s song one more time! Here are the lyrics to our special song that I played in my car daily through my pregnancy and even was blessed to have it sung by my cousin at his funeral! I will always carry you with me Braxton...... that is a promise my sweet boy!
I WILL CARRY YOU
by Selah
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown him photographs of time beginning
Walked him through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love him like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
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