Best Feeling In The World

Secretly wishing that tonight would never end!!!!!

You Are

As I visited you today; my sweet boy, I found myself apologizing.  I feel so lost lately and never want you to be ashamed of me.  Please know Mommy is trying so hard to hold it all together!  But as I sat there in the cemetery staring at your picture...

I couldn’t help but admit that:

When I am lost, 

you always seem to be my direction.

When I am tired,

you are my energy.

When I am feeling my weakest,

you are my strength. 

When I am scared,

you are my comfort.

When I am sad,

you are my smile.

When I am at the point of giving up,

you are my drive.

When I am anxious,

you are my calm.

When I am speechless,

you are my words.

When I make it through another day,
you are my reason.
When I am asked who my hero is,
you are My Son.
When I feel completely empty,
you are my Everything!!!

No Watch Wednesday

Yesterday my brain was beyond fried from training at my new job and on top of that the kids turned their whining key on the moment I picked them up!  So in the moment I made a decision..... as they bickered in the back about who was going to get to pick what show to watch when we got home for snack time I told them “well nobody will be picking any show today!”  Immediately I heard over and over “Why Mommy? Why Mommy?”  Without even thinking I said “because today is No Watch Wednesday!!!”  Of course the questions started rolling out and so did the tears lol!  But at the end of the day after a visit to the pond, puzzle time and even Leighton helping me organize a few kitchen cabinets everyone was smiling!  Look I’ll be the first to admit the TV is a very convenient babysitter sometimes, but I don’t want them to think that’s all there is to do!  Hopefully we can have more of this quality time and maybe even make some new routines that will show them how fun it is to play together!!!

Don’t Let The Happy Pics Fool You

Awww don’t the pics look so cute and happy?????  Yeah don’t let them fool you! 

Truth =

- More tears than I have seen in months

- Near bribing to get them to just pretend they wanted to make a pizza with me

- Leighton smashed into the dishwasher, a chair and grabbed a hot pizza pan within 5 minutes

- Burn cream is clear so unable to see in the pics that honestly are pretty much fake news lol

- Jean Paul took a bite of over 10 pepperoni’s then flung them like frisbees as he screamed “I can’t like pepper-smonnies and then when I took them away screamed “I more pepper-smonnies!”

- A broom and wet mop was required after the pizza process

- Not one piece of pizza was eaten..... which I can agree with their “why” they didn’t eat it lol

At the end of the night I pretty much feel like this was more of a Pitty Pizza Party rather than just a fun Pizza Party Night!

HUGE MOM FAIL!  But lesson learned delivery is now on speed dial people and I am not ashamed to admit that!!!!!  

Are You Scared Mommy

I truly don’t know how to even begin to describe the pureness of a child’s heart.  Today I went to orientation for a new job!  I have not had to do this in 12 years y’all!  To say I feel completely out of sorts is an understatement.  I mean last time I applied for a job I printed out my resume and walk in and physically handed it to a human being lol.  Nope not these days everything is online and if you can’t figure it out you better find someone who can teach you quick!!!!  But even though this new journey is unexpected and scary it is a new season for me.... new beginnings!  I truly hope I can find somewhere I fit right in as well as be challenged, appreciated and happy!  So this morning as I got ready in my scrubs; which my kids haven’t seen me in for about three weeks now, Leighton gave me a very confused look.  “Mommy where are you going?”  I told her Mommy was going to a new place today with new people and new adventures!  As she looked at me with the puppy dog face that I knew meant.....oh so I can’t convince you to let me stay home with you today lol.  She asked “are you scared?”  I sat next to her and decided it was best to tell her the truth.  “Yes Peanut, I am a little scared, but it’s ok to be scared sometimes.”  I quickly explained that new things and places can be a little bit scary, but that they can also be fun and exciting.  Lastly I told her I would get to meet new friends and that I knew in my heart I was going to have a great day.  And that was that.  No more questions, yes she had a few more tears but hey she has been sick for almost 5 days now so she was getting used to being with me ALLLL day lol.  Fast forward to this afternoon when I was loading her in the car after daycare.  That sweet face looked at me straight in the eyes and asked “Mommy was it scary at your new place you went today?”  Again I opted for the truth of the matter.  “Yep but you know what?  It was a little scary because it was my first day, but I ended up having a really good day and met lots of nice people!  And I can’t wait to go back and learn more tomorrow!”  “Oh good cause today at rest time I was laying down with my eyes shut praying for you!”  Well how do you respond to your 4 year old coming out with that?  I mean besides tears how do you respond???  “Well I bet that is why I kept feeling that little tug at my heart and wasn’t scared anymore isn’t it?”

“Yep that was me Mommy!”

YES SWEET GIRL THAT SURE WAS YOU!!!!!!!

They Wanted To Not Be Sick

Well the past 5 days have been long for the Bergeron’s!!  I can say hands down the is the worst sickness to hit this house all at one time in a longgggggg time.  My poor babies wanted to feel better so bad.  Sometimes I truly believe they were trying to convince themselves!  At one point nothing seemed to make anyone even slightly happy except makeup and figurines in Mommy’s bathroom.  I didn’t say a word if it made them happy for even 5 minutes I was all for it.  I went in my closet to grab something and came out and saw both of them laying on the floor.  They just couldn’t make their little bodies have the energy they wanted them to have.  It was so hard to see them not themselves.  But I can say I learned something new these past few days.  I learned that the love I have for them is deep and much stronger than any love you can learn.... it is within me even though they may not ever understand it!  At one point I caught myself face to face with two sick kids with the most horrible little sick breaths fuming from their mouths.  As they sat in my lap crying and physically trying to get closer to me than is humanly possible I allowed it.  I learned that even with their stinky sick breaths I love them fully.  I loved their stinky sick breath and as I write it I know it sounds so weird lol.  But I am thankful for the chance to be their Mommy and for the opportunity to try with all my might to make them feel better!!!!  A Mom never stops loving, giving or trying when it comes to her children!!!

Be Still My Heart

I seriously am running on empty after the last 4 days.  These babies have been fighting sickness nonstop and I am trying so hard to stay on step ahead of it all on my end.  I’ve cried out, freaked out and even prayed out loud asking God for guidance while in the same breath thanking him for trusting me to be their Mommy!  And as I sat with Leighton tonight; after a long day, she brought up my wedding ring again.  This time she asked me why I had 3 rings on one finger.  As I began to explain each one to her she asked me if she could wear them while I told her the story!  Of course I couldn’t argue with that!  As we sat there hand in hand I told her about each band:

1) My engagement band: I told her the story of the day her Daddy proposed to me. 

2) My wedding band: I told her if the picture perfect wedding day.

3) My 2nd band:  a band I never thought about even wanting.  This band I told her was given to me on Mommy and Daddy’s 5th wedding anniversary.  I was visiting Braxton at the cemetery when Daddy showed up with a surprise.  To our own surprise it was also the same day we learned we were having her!!!!  

I don’t honestly know how I held the sobbing tears in.  As I heard the words coming out of my own mouth I realized how very special it is that my sweet Leighton is obsessed with my rings!!!  I hope one day at the right time I do get to give her my 2nd band.  A gift from me to her, just as the gift of her was to me and still is every single day. 

Stomach Bug Lockdown

Not much usually keeps me from posting on my blog nightly.  I post because I want to leave a diary for my kids to have as memories one day!  But..... when the stomach bug hits both of your kids at the same time and semi hits you then everything is out of whack!!!!  Please say a prayer my babies kick this soon, what started out as a possible 24 hour bug is now looking more like it will be a 72 hour one.  Hoping to be back on track tomorrow night after the whole house is covered in Lysol lol!!

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm

So I decided to post this pic tonight of my brother and his wife and my husband and I last week at a bar..... yep I said a bar lol.  Don’t I look hip? Don’t I look cool?  Don’t I look like young?  Yeah I thought I was too lol; till tonight!!!!  As I was tucking Leighton in tonight she grabbed my hand and started playing with my wedding ring and asked me if she could have it.  I looked at her and her sweet little face and said  “ This is a very special ring your Daddy gave me when we got married; but one day when I am really really old I will give it to you! “. 

“ But Mommy you are really really old now! “

Ummmmmmmmmmm well ok.  So after I tucked her in and walked out I immediately headed toward the wine rack and poured myself a glass.  And since Brent works late hours I stood in the kitchen alone and raised my glass and gave myself a solo toast!!!!! 

 “Cheers to you old lady.... guess it snuck up on you girl!!!!”

She Gets It From Her Momma

Ok so yes it can be stressful in the mornings with toddlers, routines and time crunches.  But  when your 4 year old literally calls you out about the fact that you aren’t wearing scrubs, which means she believes you are not going to work.... (which by the way she is right about) then the mornings can be even harder lol.  I don’t know wether to to be extremely excited about the fact that she is way smarter than I assumed or upset that I have to keep coming up with excuses about what my daily plans are!!!!    Regardless my heart breaks seeing her cry in the mornings, and I have to admit that I secretly have let her stay home at least once a week over the past month.  Sooooooooooo some of this may be my fault but I don’t feel guilty about gaining a little extra one on one time with my daughter!!!  Maybe one day I’ll tell her the truth, that her Momma is not a morning persons either lol!!

Take Me Back

Just want to go back to being with our family on our mini vacation!!

Father’s Day

Tonight’s post has been extremely hard for me to start.  The meaning of a Dad is beyond special to me.  Luckily I have been blessed beyond words when it comes to the man in my life, whom I call Dad.  It is no secret; nor has it ever been, about how close my Dad and I are.  This simple fact, but huge part of my life is most likely why I want my kids to have that same bond with their own Dad!  My Dad has walked with me through so many things throughout my life and still stands by my side today.  He is always the one who can  make things better for me when things aren’t going my way. And even though he hurts when I hurt and smiles when I smile I know there is something he can never fix.  He can never take away the pain I carry since losing my son Braxton.  It is something I know he would give anything to do; yet it is not capable of even the greatest man I know.  It may sound crazy but this is when I first began to understand the love of a father and child.  As much as he hurts for me I now look back at my pregnancy and the birth of Braxton and start to see the pain my husband; Brent has.  I feel so selfish still today needing and seeking for answers and direction from Brent during these past years without Braxton.  And yes it is in my eyes a husbands role to try and make things right in a home, but that isn’t a fair statement when it comes to child loss I feel now.

 Why you may ask?  Well it’s because just because he is a man doesn’t mean he is exempt from the same pain I am feeling, the same sense of being lost and the same need of support.  So please as we look at all of the amazing Dads today take a minute and say a prayer for the Dads who have lost a child. They are sometimes the Dads who go unnoticed because they are silently holding it all together behind the scenes.  

Brent from the moment you walked up with Braxton in your arms to introduce him to me for the very first time you instantly became a Father.  You are appreciated, loved and noticed!  You may not know I see how you hold our family together, but I do!  

We love you bigger than the sky!

Love,

Me, Braxton, Leighton and Jean Paul

IT TAKES A STRONG MAN TO BE A FATHER.

AND AN EVEN STRONGER MAN TO BE A GRIEVING FATHER. 

Happy Father’s Day!

Beyond Priceless

“Life’s only worth living if you are being loved by a kid!”

- Buzz Lightyear -

I bet every single one of us can remember being young and loving one toy more than anything else.  Well lately Jean Paul had been mire than attached/obsessed with Toy Story.  He has a few of the character in trinket size form and loves them.  But today his Poorain & Ney Ney topped all of that.  Today he got the real Buzz Lightyear!  This is the first time we have ever seen him completely fascinated with a toy and now I can’t lie I want to run to the nearest Disney Store and buy every single character I can find.  His reaction was priceless and seeing him carry this toy around is beyond precious!!!!

Surprise Adventures

I may be exhausted and I may not of packed everything we need, but the fun we are having is what counts!  Sometimes the last minute adventures end up being the best!  With that being said 2 days ago we decided to pick up and make a quick family vacation happen.  So much has happened these last few months that has literally slapped us in the face with the realization that tomorrow is never promised!!!!  So we decided that we most likely won’t have more money to speak of next year, none of us will be any younger next year and most importantly we are very aware of the important fact that we may not all be here next year either!!!  Tomorrow is never promised so out we set to make new memories for this exact time in our lives!  So here’s to the next few days with my family and the adventures that await us!!!

Turtle Finally Got His Day

Leighton has had a lot going on lately that has gained her a little more attention that her little brother the last few weeks.  Although he is probably a little unaware he still did ask constantly where she was and would say he missed her when she wasn’t riding in the car to daycare in the mornings.  Not only has Leighton gotten a few extra days with just her and Maw Maw lately she would still take more even if it meant leaving Jean Paul at school lol.  But in her defense too she always wants to ask what he is doing without her etc.  With all the the happy Maw Maw & Leighton days came a lot of guilt on Maw Maw’s part; her Turtle needed a day too!  Well finally he got that day today!  As amazing as all of us being together is I do strongly believe that one on one time is much needed as well!!!!  And from the pictures I got all day long today I would say both; Turtle & Maw Maw, we’re smiling all day long!!!!  My babies sure are lucky to have these memories being made!!!!

Game On Maw Maw & Pepa

Oh this post will be short and sweet cause not much to say other than....

GAME ON MAW MAW & PEPA!!!! 

 It’s all fun and games till your kids get harmonicas from their Grandparents!  

Oh it’s on!!!!!!

How Can I Be This Tired

So yes I have toddlers and with no explanation required.... that is exhausting.   But mine are 2 and 4 now so things should be starting to settle down right?  They both for the MOST part sleep through the night, one is fully potty trained and the other just stubborn, they don’t require restraints while sitting at the table to eat, bath time begins with bargaining but ends up being lots of fun and getting them to agree to their own beds may be out for the jury to decide but we usually win that case lol!  So this weekend when I realized we literally only had one party on the agenda I secretly did the happy dance and thought to myself “Sleep thank you Jesus!”  Screech slam on the brakes I must of jinxed it.  Sadly the one party did not happen due to Jean Paul deciding it was time for his 2 year molars to play there side effects on us.  Poor buddy was having full diapers every hour and the red booty to prove something wasn’t right!  But honestly besides the constant changing and heartbreaking cries of applying medicated cream every other moment was ok, but why am I so tired?  I feel like I just got home from the hospital with a newborn and a toddler trying to learn to stay in her big girl bed all night while potty training!!!!!  Nope just two toddlers who seriously are very well behaved kids.  Yes they may need a lot of attention and ta-ta’ing but that’s what a Mother is for.  I do not think my car has left my driveway since Friday and I feel like we just got home from a weeks vacation abroad?????  What the heck?  Why am I so tired?  I’m giving myself the benefit of the doubt and blaming it on the OCD Mom brain and semi-activity coordinator that I aspired to be for the past 48 hours.  I guess I was beyond naive to think maybe after 6 years from my first pregnancy that I would of earned a little sleep by now; oh and not just any sleep, I mean restful sleep like I feel like I just woke up from anesthesia sleep lol.  So yes even though we did not leave the house for a single thing this weekend it was hard.  This Mom job is hard and if anyone tells you differently call them a liar lol.  But after you do that tell them it is worth every single minute of lost sleep.  Cause between the butt paste, tears, snot wiping, chalk covered things and whining it is by far the best weekend home I could ask for!!!!!!

Goodbyes Are Hard

When you haven’t seen your Poorain and Ney Ney in two months you have a hard tune saying goodbye.  Today I really think my heart broke a little seeing Leighton completely crushed when her Poorain had to drive away today.  She has never had such a hard time when it was time for him to leave.  We had a wonderful afternoon outside playing and just being together and everyone was all smiles until it was time for goodbyes.  I honestly thought within a minute or two she would calm down and go back to playing with the other kids in our neighborhood who were over playing with us outside.  But after an hour had passed and she was still sobbing and saying his name I didn’t know how to console her.  Finally we got her to quiet down and told her it’s hard to say goodbye when we love somebody so much.  As much as my heart hurt fornher today I also love knowing she loves her Godfather sooooooo much!

First Date Night With Pepa

I can remember as a little girl being so giddy and excited about date night with my Daddy.  It was always a big event!  The anticipation was beyond exciting.  If you know my Daddy then you know nothing is ever.... and I mean ever on a small scale it is always above and beyond.  Well date night never fell short of that either.  I can remember picking my favorite dress to wear and wanting to be the prettiest girl in the room.  Little did I know at the time that it didn’t matter what I wore because regardless I was always going to be his number one.  Crazy thing is at 37 years old that theory still stands true!  But it also means I will take a step back to let my daughter be his date these days.  June 7, 2018 will go down in the books as the first time in history that Sarah O’Meara Bergeron allowed another girl to be John O’s date!  And if I’m being honest I would do it again every single day for the rest of my life to watch what I witnessed tonight.  It began with about 2 weeks of talking about Leighton’s first date night with her Pepa that would consist of him picking her up (and her only) and taking her to her Mom’s favorite restaurant when she was a little girl.  That restaurant if you are wondering is “Ruth Chris” oops yes I’m sorry I have expensive taste lol.  But in my defense I didn't find it on my own, it is all because it was the exact place I had my very first date night with John O “my Daddy” many years ago!  I knew my dad was in trouble the moment I walked into the restaurant because I felt it was where I belonged; I was in my element lol.  The waiters catered to me, the service was on point and the steak came out sizzling.... which may I add is a sound I will never forget!  If you ask my parents how I acted after my first date night at Ruth Chris’s they will laugh and tell you how I bragged to anyone and everyone that would listen that I ate the entire picture on the billboard!  Lol years ago and still today the one billboard displayed for Ruth Chris’s Steakhouse was a single picture of a mouthwatering Filet Mignon!!!!  Yes it may sound crazy for a young girl to be mesmerized by that but I was lol.  So this Easter when my own daughter; Leighton, asked for steak from the Easter Bunny instead of candy I think maybe a dad knew it was time for her to experience date night for herself.  So tonight her Pepa arrived in a suit to pick her up for their very first date night.  Leighton acted shy; which shocked me at first, but then left excited in her blue dress that she insisted on wearing because blue is Pepa’s favorite color.  I loved getting pictures through the night and seeing the smiles on both of their faces!  I can’t help but giggle thinking of how high he is setting the standards for the men who come into her life years from now, just as he did for me lol. The emotions are very hard to describe as I see my little girl getting to experience these special moments with her Pepa; my Daddy, the best way to explain is it my heart is smiling beyond control.  Although she was very tight lipped about the night; she gets that from her own Dad lol, she did tell me that the next date was already planned and that it would be with spaghetti!  Honestly that is all I needed to hear because if she is already planning date #2 then she must of loved date #1!  One day she will realize how special tonight was and when she does I hope she understands in that moment why Mommy had tears running down her face.  You can’t get these moments back, you can’t replay them, sometimes they only happen once and sometimes we are blessed to get them to happen again!  She is way to young to comprehend that but that is why I am here to document them so that one day she can look back and know they occurred and know that she was beyond lucky to experience them!  I never doubted my Dad would be anything less than an amazing Grandparent, but I must admit I didn’t realize how amazing he truly was until I got to see him repeat the love he has always given to me with my kids.  To give that love once is a gift but to give it twice is a blessing!  We love you Pepa!!!!

That’s A Wrap

 

That’s a wrap for Leighton’s first year of dancing!  I think I told her 100 times how proud I was of her.  Every so often throughout the year she would tell me she was scared of the big stage and didn’t want to do it.  Each time we tried to explain to her that it was ok to be scared sometimes, because new things are scary but we learn from them.  Well let me just tell you she didn’t look one bit scared up there on that big stage shaking her little booty!!!!!  And tonight as we snuggled I told her again that I was very proud of her.  Laying there in the dark I heard her little voice say “ Mommy you are proud of me cause I tried new things right?”  Wow just wow is all I could think because today at 37 years old I took a step in a new direction career wise and I am scared just like she was.  But tonight I saw full circle that she hears me and watches everything.  

“Yes baby girl you are so right I am very proud of you for trying new things!”

Improvise

Leighton Rose when you stumble...

Make it part of the dance!!!!!

Could not of asked for a more memorable first Dance Revue with my daughter!  This Dance Momma is exhausted but promises to share more pics of our Star tomorrow!!!

Dance Revue Eve

Can’t believe this night is finally here... the night before Leighton’s first Dance Revue!!!!!  To say we are all excited is an understatement.  Not only is this something I have always dreamed of, but it is also something I prayed to share with a child of mine.  To share in their joy of loving something and being with them to experience it along the way.  My emotions are a notch above overdrive, but it is worth it!  This tune would not even be possible without my Mom; Maw Maw, who week after week drove her to dancing class.  Due to the beginner class being at 4:30 PM without Maw Maw we would of had to wait till she was older to sign up.  Once again my amazing Mom stepped in, and not only offered but viewed it as just another experience she could share with Leighton!  I wouldn’t want it any other way either I must admit.  Today seeing here have the time of her life on the big stage, with a smile bigger than ever and by the side of my little sister Brooke my heart was exploding with pride.  So as I try and get her costumes and things together tonight I keep having to stop the tears lol.  I know it’s silly I just can’t help it!  I was beyond worried about my shy little girl when the dance year started and a little scared as it was the first time I had ever dropped her off anywhere except daycare or to anyone other than family.  As the year progressed I grew as a Mother allowing her child to experience new things and I watched Leighton blossom and try something new that she loved.  Today as my Mom and I braced ourselves for the possibility of her being scared or unsure of the big stage she simply let go of my hand and raced to her teacher and friends to line up.  I had to step aside and make sure I was ok more than I had to console her; which was the complete opposite of what I expected to happen lol. I was beyond proud of her and proud of myself too after I pulled myself together lol.   Tomorrow will be the big day and I can not wait to watch my little girl shine!!!!!  

Good Ole Sundays

Nothing beats staying in your pjs all day long and being together!  It’s been one of those great weekends even though we didn’t have a bunch of plans we sure stayed busy and loved every minute of it.  I have learned once again no matter how late my kids stay up playing they still wake up early lol.  And that is especially true for Jean Paul goodness gracious!!!!!  But then again he hasn’t required much sleep since the day he was born so why would I think that would change now lol!  I also learned I am day by day going crazy little by little.  I mean not majorly crazy just losing my mind here and there lol.  But then again I have been borderline crazy all my life too.  This weekend it was pointed out when a neighbor had to walk over and inform me my car was still running while it was parked on the road in front of our house.  And to make things better we were in the front yard watching the kids swim and play in the hose just staring at my car lol.  Oops I had been home for about an hour at that time.  So you see just losing it little by little lol!!!!  Ended the weekend with popcorn and a movie and extra snuggles which is the perfect way to close out a great weekend!!!

Sweet Summertime

Well I’d say we started our first official summer weekend just right!  Last night we warmed up with a fun neighbors crawfish boil and today we had a bowling party with friends, Maw Maw & Papa time and an evening filled with pool time and dinner with amazing friends!  My kids are exhausted and I must admit that I am too lol.  But making memories is so worth it.  Nothing beats time with my kids and today I got just that!  I am laying here as I say my nightly prayers and literally I have tears in my eyes because I am so thankful.  I hope one day my kids can say we may not have had everything everyone else had, but man did we have it all as a family!!!!! 

Last Boil Of The Season

Finally in bed, but can’t complain when you get to have a spur of the moment Crawfish Boil with your neighbors!!!!  Kids should sleep in late after playing so hard all afternoon and evening.  Who says hard days can’t get better with a little help from your friends!