When I started this blog I made a promise to myself that I would do my best to be an open book. That promise was made not to make others feel sorry for me, but simply because I wanted to somehow help others. Even if it is only one person I want/know Braxton’s journey is supposed to help somehow. So tonight as I lay here sobbing and unable to sleep I am searching for a way to explain my feelings. And the girl who usually digs deep within herself to find a way to share how I take one day at a time is speechless. Today should of been Braxton’s first day of 1st grade. Today should of been a day of frantic planning and chaos as I tried to capture his picture this morning before I dropped him off. Yet once again what should of been wasn’t what really was. And today it hurt. My heart hurt beyond measure and I know it shouldn’t to some. So please keep in your prayers the Mother’s who dream of having that picture each year as their child advances to the next grade.... but don’t get too. Don’t think of us with pity; yet please just acknowledge you know what we are missing. It seems like such a silly thing to ask for, but until you don’t have those little things that add up to huge memories you will never know how much it hurts without them. So as usual my babies and I brought Braxton a balloon and celebrated his first day of school in heaven. Leighton is adamant he rode a bus to school in heaven... a bus she pointed out that stops at McDonalds on the way lol. His teacher has the same name as hers (Mrs Abshire) and his playground is magic because it never rains on it. And when I asked what they would be having for lunch, Jean Paul proudly screamed POPTARTS!!! I approve of all of it too! I hope my sweet boy had an amazing first day of 1st grads in heaven. And I also pray with all my heart he knows how badly I wish I could be in that pick up line in the clouds just once to see him run to my car and get in. My heart hurts and feels peace at the same time tonight. And sometimes that tug a war pull of emotion is harder than anything I could ever explain.
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