Six years ago today we buried our sweet baby boy Braxton to rest. It is a day that was a blur but at the same time one I remember every single minute of. It is hard to explain that but it’s true. I felt like I was outside of my body watching everything go on that day yet I felt inside all of the intense pain. And at times I remember even having to remind myself that this was really happening. Last year on this day I wrote about the sounds I remembered from the cemetery because so many things echoed in my mind about it. It is said that there is no physical pain greater than that of losing a child. I have to agree one hundred percent. And With all the love and support that we are blessed to have it is still hard to keep going day after day feeling so incredibly alone. Peoples lives move on while you feel you can’t. Sometimes they don’t realize you didn’t just lose your baby... you lost every milestone, holiday and memory that was supposed to occur for many years. Everything you look at or experience you see it from the “ I wonder how my baby would like this, or now my baby would be 6 etc”. Even the happiest times still make your heart ache for them to be here. Along with all the tears, heartache and numbness I felt that day I mostly remember the fear. Fear of never having another baby, fear of others judging me for my way of Mothering, fear of forever feeling like a failure because I couldn’t protect my child, fear that I was damaged, fear of not being trusted enough by God to keep a child and fear that my hopes, dreams and prayers were not worthy of being heard. So this morning as I got ready for my 5 AM shift at the hospital I was reaching for the bathroom light switch about to leave and noticed this in my bed.
Yes at first it looks like a crowded nightmare of tangled sheets and feet jabbing you in your ribs all night lol.
It also shows sneaky night ninja Jean Paul and his stubborn self wearing flannel Dino pjs in August, in Louisiana because he refused to listen when I told him it was to hot for them. Which in turn means he projects more body heat on us all night long.
Then you see Leighton who apparently took it upon herself to change into her dancing leotard before creeping into our bed; just in case we need a redo performance of her dance Revue in the middle of the night.
If you look at Brent tucked away on the edge of the bed where he can fit, but then try and measure the space that’s left for me????
But that’s not at all what I see in this picture.
I see a husband who knows sometimes I need my babies next to me in fear of waking in a panic like I often do, searching for my kids... one of whom I don’t get to find and realize my pain is real.
I see two babies who saved us beyond reason while also teaching me I am truly worthy of love. And in between the two of them if you look closely you will see a single baby blanket; Braxton’s baby blanket. The very blanket my Mom handmade for him that I held him wrapped in for hours through the night before I had to let him go. I still put his baby lotion on it so I can smell him the way I remember. I sleep with his blanket every single night, because knowing he touched it gives me so much comfort.
So wether you can understand it or not I clearly see all of
my hopes,
my dreams
and my prayers
in one picture;
with an overwhelming reflection of God’s Love!
No comments:
Post a Comment