Childhood Friends

"Childhood friendship 

is the 

most beautiful

memory that can

never be

replaced."

This quote could not be truer!  I cherish my childhood friends and memories so much.  Some days I wish we could go back for just one day.  To when things were so easy and carefree.  There is something about your childhood friends that just happens so smoothly.  Everyone somehow is equal, no judgement and no division.  Unless you messed with me...... ( I played my cards right.  I had two boy best friends!)  Playing outside from sun up to sun down, baseball games, playing in the cooley and we all knew it was time to go home when The Carlson boys were called in by Mrs. Nadine hollering out the front door!!!  LOL  

My How Birthdays Have Changed

Wow have birthdays changed for Brent and I over the years.  Looking back at the birthdays we have spent together the pattern has totally been rearranged lol.  Growing up birthdays were a huge thing in my family.  It was your day and it was all meant to do anything you could to make the birthday girl or boy feel so special!  So of course when Brent and I started dating I threw myself into trying to make his birthdays better and better each year.  

I can remember :

- planning surprise parties

- secretly flying his best friend in from California one year

- convincing a local bar to give me his actual college jersey they had hanging so i could frame for him

- expensive electronics 

- concert tickets

And the list goes on and on.  Then married life took over.... WOMP WOMP WOMP!!!! Lol

All of a sudden one year we just started doing cards.  Adulting stepped in and although that isn't the fun way it is what was more reasonable.  Building a house, paying the bills, saving saving and saving some more became what was on the to do list.  Then the year we had Braxton it was just hard to truly celebrate because Brent's birthday fell so close to his.  Then next thing we knew medical bills started rolling in and we decided to take the leap with IVF so no foolish spending was allowed in our eyes. But no matter what we would always sing, make a big deal about the day and spend time together. 
Well yes a lot of the bills are still there just like everyone else but this year was different.  

No amount of money could buy how this year we celebrated Brent's birthday.  Leighton and Jean Paul colored him pictures of birthday cakes and woke up early to give to him before work with a small present.  Seeing Leighton's excitement and how proud she was to give it to him warmed my heart so much.  And of course Jean Paul is at the age where he wants to do whatever she does.  Then after I picked them up from daycare all she was talking about was baking a cake for him so we could sing with candles.  So that is exactly what we did.  And since the weather has been nasty Brent was not able to cut grass this afternoon so we actually all got to spend some time together on his birthday.  So not really any money was spent this year but the celebration was worth a million bucks.  I've always been taught and have known it is not about the presents you give or receive, it is more about quality time and the memories you make.  But more than ever I am constantly learning this first hand as time goes on.  The moments and memories we make with our kids are what matter the most.  And even when we do not realize it we are actually making our own traditions.  Ones that can never be replaced, because more than most we know life can change in a heartbeat.  Even when my kids are grown and I am gone I truly hope they remember to make birthdays special for each other.  It is a very fond memory I have of growing up and I want them to feel the same way.  Time is more precious than money!!!  And people are more valuable than things!!!

Happy Birthday Brent!  Hope your day was beyond special!  Here is to homemade cards, cakes that may have egg shells hidden in them, pizza picnics in the living room and spit on the cake because the kids demanded to blow the candles out over and over again.
Love,
Sarah, Braxton, Leighton & Jean Paul

I Try

We have been praying all week for our family in Texas during Hurricane Harvey.  Also each day here in Louisiana we have been on standby with school and work ourselves.  These past few days I find myself wishing I was a stay at home Mom, even though I honestly know deep down inside it is not what I am cut out to be lol.  But today driving off from Maw Maw's house my heart sank as I saw their faces watch me leave.  One day I pray they truly understand the reason Mommy left everyday for work, and then I pray they truly appreciate it.

My hope is that they will remember

mommy tried.

Even when she was tired,

even when she was stressed, 

I hope they will know that I did it all for them.

That I had every intention of being

great, good and grand,

but some days all I could be was okay.

I Remember

I REMEMBER 

THE DAYS I PRAYED 

FOR THE THINGS

I HAVE NOW!!

Girl Time

Maw Maw & Mommy surprised Leighton with a movie date today!  Just so happens there is a movie out about a ballerina called Leap!  To be honest out if all three of us I really can't figure out who was more excited.  It is so refreshing to see the happiness she gets from the little things in life lately.  I wish I could be more like her in those moments.  It's so easy to get wrapped up in everyday stresses and forget to step back and enjoy the simple things.  Well I don't think anyone will be surprised to hear that she insisted on wearing her ballet shoes to the ballerina movie!  We have been telling her that they are only allowed at dancing and inside the house.  But of course Leighton had a brilliant solution for that..... "You can carry me Mommy!"  Couldn't say no to that!  So off we went for some Girl Time.  I was feeling a little guilty for leaving the boys out, but I got these cute pics from Brent while we were there and I could tell they were enjoying their Boy Time too!

Date Night...... What??????

If you only knew how much I am giggling in my head thinking of what I thought married life would be like after kids!!!!!  

Enjoy the sleep now they said.

Don't expect to always be able to keep plans they said.

It's just easier to stay home then to go to a restaurant with kids they said.

Make sure you remember to brush you teeth they said.

You thought your bed was yours they said.

Be careful what you say you WON'T ever do as a parent they said.

Oh so you say you will never find yourself negotiating with a 2 year old they said.

Don't judge to fast about allowing the Disney channel to be your babysitter they said.

And forget date nights they said!!!!

( can't afford it or find time for that anyway )

Well wow were they right.  And I hate to admit I was sooooooo wrong!  Seriously the last few times we have shipped our kids off to their Grandparents houses we have honestly just wanted to sleep and do nothing (and I can't lie we have taken naps...guilty!)  You can keep your getting ready and fancy dinners.  We just want sleeppppp!

But tonight as tired as we are we are hitting the town.  Well dinner and maybe meet up with a friend after that I honestly do not believe will happen.  But one out of two is good right?  

So here goes nothing an official date night, I don't even know if I know how to do this anymore LOL!!

One Day You Will See

I know I shared that Leighton got her first pair of ballet shoes the other day, but never in a million years would I think she would be this excited!  Brent called me to come look at her in her bed last night after she had fallen asleep.  Sweet girl slept in her ballet shoes!  Oh my heart was so happy.  The emotions were crazy as I begin to cry.  Now I am truly beginning to understand what my mom meant when she would tell me 
"You will see one day how watching your kids do something they love and that makes them happy.... Makes you as a parent happier than anything else in the world!"

...

And when you get 

the choice

to sit it out

or dance...

I hope you

DANCE

...

Kids Say The Darndest Things

I had to share one of the cutest things Leighton started saying while we were on vacation!  I guess they really do listen to everything they hear and then sometimes hear something totally different!  

Me:  Leighton what is your address

Leighton:  3 or 4 Forest .........

Me: UM don't you mean 304 ??

Leighton:  3 or 4 Mommyyyyyyyyyy

Me: Well maybe we should start saying 3 zero 4 then lol

Me:  Well then what city and state do you live in?

Leighton:  In the Scott, Louisiana

Me:  Ok it's just Scott, Louisiana baby

Leighton ( before I could barely finish my comment ):  

No Mommy 

The Scott, Louisiana......  

THE BOUDIN CAPITAL OF THE WORLD!!!!!

Well how do you argue with that?  And how do you refrain from laughing hysterically!!

LOL

A Sister Just Like You

The big day has come... the day Leighton gets her first dancing shoes!  This little girl has literally been waking up and the first words out of her mouth have been asking if today is the day she gets to go to dancing.  It is still two weeks away till her first actual class, but today was the next best thing in her eyes.  We got to go to the studio and try on shoes, look at pretty leotards and skirts and find out our class schedule.  The icing on the cake was walking in and seeing her run into Aunt Brooksie's ( my little sister to me all my life ) arms with excitement.  She has been waiting to go to her dancing school as she calls it.  I am surprised I didn't let the tears fall that I was holding back.  It was beyond a proud moment to see my daughter filled with so much joy to be there with her.  I can not wait for the years of dancing memories they make.  I can only pray Leighton finds the love in her heart for dance  as much as her Aunt Brooksie has.  I do not think there could be anyone that could be a better role model for her, because all though she has always been younger than me she has always been a role model to me.

A Sister Just Like You

I just want to let you know

You mean the world to me

Only a heart as dear as yours

Would give so unselfishly

The many things you've done

All the times that you were there

Help me know deep down inside

How much you really care

Even though I may not say

I appreciate all you do

Richly blessed is how I feel

Having a sister just like you

I Love You Brooksie

The Sound Of Pain

5 years ago on this day I laid my first born son to his final resting place.  It is something that I never in a million years thought I would experience.  That day was actually harder than the day Braxton was born, but only with us for 7 hours.  August 22, 2012 was a form of final that I did not want to happen.  The form of final that literally takes a piece of your soul to a place you know you can never get back.  With tons of thought we decided as a family that a very private burial is what we wanted for Braxton with a memorial mass to follow a few days later.  We wanted the mass mainly because we were so very honored and grateful for the amount of prayers we received during our pregnancy and we wanted to share Braxton's life with everyone who loved us.  As numb as I was on the burial day, well actually for many months, there are still some very vivid moments of it too.  There will be lots I will share when that time comes in my journey reflections but today my heart is heavy with the sadness of this day.  Although I know Braxton physically may be buried at that cemetery that I visit weekly, my heart also knows he was welcomed into God's kingdom long before we laid him to rest.   

 If I could choose one word that sticks out about that day it is sounds!

So many sounds stand out in my head that took place that day:

The sound of:

- my alarm going off that morning to wake me up to the nightmare I was actually living, one I wanted to snooze for eternity

- the blow dryer as I sat down on the floor to get ready for the burial because I had no energy to stand

- the sound of my Mom entering my house and then into my room to find me crying as I stood in front of my mirror in a black dress that my cousin had bought for me to wear because I refused to do it before he was born just in case the Dr's were wrong 

- my Mom pinning the clasp shut on an I Love You sign pin to my dress, a pin that she gives to each special person in her life as they experience a burial very close to the heart, a pin that was not ever supposed to be given to me this early in life

- my Dad knocking on my bedroom door to tell me it was time to go and that we could not put it off any longer

- my Brother sniffling as he tried his hardest to be strong for me as he loaded me into the van telling me with every movement how proud he was of me

- the silence as we headed to the graveyard 

- Brent readjusting his positioning in the seat as we headed there because he knew what was about to take place even after all our sleepless nights of intense prayer

- the gravel as we drove into the cemetery and saw our family and close friends gathered under the beautiful oak trees that would now shade my babies tiny coffin

- the van door sliding open as we were welcomed by some of the most important people in our lives who were there for our support

- the cries as we made our way to our seats under the pavilion

- our priest asking everyone to take a seat as the service was ready to start as he began to speak heartfelt words of our journey

- beautiful music sung by my Aunt & cousins with pure love and strength all because they knew it was one of my only real requests

- my Uncle Danny telling Braxton's story through Braxton's eyes so Brent & I could hear what we meant to him in a way we never knew was even possible

- my Father in Law embracing my Mother in Law behind me with a love only a husband could offer to his wife as they watched their oldest son bury his oldest son

- my Sister in Law repeating in my ear how much she loved us each time she saw me fold over in intense heartache throughout the burial

- the service ending which meant I had to leave him there all alone shortly

- my Mom unable to be strong any longer as she let out a wail of intense pain not only for me but for herself, the one who had stood unselfish through it all finally allowing her heart to break

- my Dad asking to walk me to the tiniest coffin I have ever seen so that I could see the prettiest solid red baby roses he had picked for my sweet boy, because he knew I would want some for a keepsake

- my dearest friends sobbing as they huddled around me in a group hug I will never forget, one that spoke volumes of our connection

The sounds could go on and on about that day.  But the one sound I will never forget was the sound that I heard as I was being escorted back to the van to leave before the coffin would be lowered into the ground (an action we requested not to see due to the pain it would cause us ).  It was the sound of Brent breaking.  We had already stood at the coffin to say goodbye together, but I guess I hadn't noticed he was unable to walk away.  As he broke I heard him almost pounding on the coffin and telling Braxton how sorry he was.  I will never forget trying to close my eyes so tight to maybe almost cause my senses to shut off for a few minutes.  My husband, the one who never shows a ton of emotion, the one who got me through an entire pregnancy of worry, the one who allowed me to experience every single thing I asked for while I was carrying Braxton because he knew that time was beyond precious to me.  He was finally unable to control his pain.  It is a very profound moment in my life and will forever leave a mark on my heart.  

It was a sound I never want to hear again,

yet a sound I was honored to witness.

It was the sound of a Dad

allowing himself to grieve for his child. 

 It was the sound of pure LOVE being taken away,

but also of pure LOVE being given.

How Did I???????

Phew I am having one of those Negative Nancy evenings!!!!  Just can't seem to snap out of it.  Hoping it's just because it's out first day back from vacation and reality is setting back in.  But man being negative is exhausting lol!!!  

This is my brain just in the last hour:

How did I get this tired?

How did I forget to pick up milk when I was in the darn store for it?

How did I let myself scream at them this afternoon?

How did I not take time to wash scrubs before vacation so they would be ready?

How did I fall off my diet so bad last week?

How did I get this old?

How did all those cutesy Moms pull it off after having kids?

How did I manage going all day with my bra on inside out?

How did Jean Paul figure out how to get mashed potatoes so far in his tiny little nostril?

How did Leighton find her Daddy's hiding spot for his Mike & Ike's and eat over half the box before I noticed?

How did the Star Spangled Banner become the song of choice to sing at the top of my lungs to get my kids attention?

Then I walk back into the bathroom to this......

HOW DID I EVER GET THIS LUCKY????????

Detour..... No Problem!!!

After 8 nights away we aren't going to let a detour when we are almost home get us down!!!!  Finishing this road trip off with icees and smiles!!!  Feeling so blessed to have gotten special time with my family this past week!  We were all a little sad to tell the beach goodbye this morning but we promised to return next year!  Only meltdown we had was we accidentally told Leighton we were heading to the moon eveytime she asked where we were going this past week, sooooooo today she was a little disappointed to hear we were headed home.

"But we haven't been to the moon yet???"

OOPS!!!

Mom fail!!!!

The Torch Has Been Passed

If anyone was to ask me about my childhood I would describe it as perfect!  I can't remember ever wanting something that my parents didn't try to fulfill.  To a certain extent of course.  But now that I am a parent I have so many childhood memories that I want to continue or carry on with my kids that my parents started with us.  Of course there are the normal Christmas traditions or other major milestones that most parents try to make special.  But there are also many little memories that make my childhood so special.  Then there are the ones we never even knew about till it was time to have the torch passed on to us.  We will just say that this beach tradition could of easily been passed down in a way that would of made sense, but instead it is one we had to catch them in the act before they would admit it.  Let's just say it's pretty sad when a grown girl in her thirties learns a piece of her childhood may have been a semi lie all her life lol.  A few years ago and yes I literally mean only a few years ago my Dad was strolling along the beach looking for sea shells like we always do as a family when I saw him casually toss something out of his pocket.  As I watched him almost in complete shock I noticed exactly what he was doing.  He was tossing out sea shells a few feet prior to Leighton walking up to find them.  As I questioned him he looked shocked and said "Oh ask your Mother about that???".  Well ding a light bulb goes off on my head!!!!!  NO WONDER THE O'MEARA KIDS ALWAYS FOUND THE PRETTIEST SHELLS ON THE BEACH!!!!  And they were always all in tact almost like a collectors item.  Well I be d..n!!!!  So they were busted and there went the perfect vision I had of sea shell hunting all those years!!!!  Well now we all laugh about it because the secret unfolds more and more till now we know not only have they always bought the specialty shells before hitting the beach, but my Mom has been seen scraping them up in the parking lot to make them look even more realistic so we would never catch on.  Yes a part of my childhood has now been upset but it also makes me appreciate it even more! So this summer since my Dad was unable to walk on the beach the whole trip due to knee procedures last week he proudly passed the torch to Brent to keep up the tradition.  Mom and him told Brent the exact way to pull it off and Brent gladly took on the job!  So I am proud to report that in 2017 the Bergeron kids are by far the best sea shell hunters in Orange Beach and have the prettiest shells to show off all because years ago my parents went out of their way to make sure this tradition was started!!!!!  Guess it's true sometimes what you don't know doesn't hurt you!  Especially when you have the shiniest shell collection in Lousiana when you get back from the beach!!!

A Mother's Prayer

A Mother's Prayer 

is that her children will love 

each other,

long after she is gone!

Happy Birthday My Sweet Boy

I thought of you with love today,

but that is nothing new.

I thought about yesterday,

and days before that too.

I think of you in silence,

I often speak your name.

All I have are memories,

and your pivture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake,

with which I'll never part.

God has you in his keeping....

I have you in my heart!

My sweet boy today was spent with lots of tears and smiles as we celebrated your life today!

You are more than a memory to us and we will always love you more than life itself!!  Mommy was so scared your day would not be the same since I wa sour of town but we have so many wonderful people in our lives that made sure you were taken care of!

Happy 5th birthday Braxton!!

My Fight Song

As a grieving mother you seem to constantly always live on edge a bit.  It's like you are stuck in the middle of is this my real life and don't let yourself get to comfortable Sarah because you know what being blind sided feels like.  It is a hard concept to explain knowing I know exactly what it means to enjoy the little things but then on the flip side I also know what it feels like to have them taken away in the blink of an eye.  Then I constantly find myself bargaining with the devil in my brain telling me I don't deserve this happiness.  I'm pretty sure my OCD/ADD and anxiety prone self does not help in any of this type of situation. I'm behind mentally, physically and emotionally tired in a way I know is not the healthiest route for life.  I pray constantly to be free of the worry that dogs my brain and many days robs the potential happiness I could have with my family.  And I vow hat I will take it back no matter what.  I will be stronger than my demons even if at the end of the day I don't feel I deserve that type of happiness I know damn well my kids do.  They only thing through all of his insanity that he been my go to or my snap out of it technique is something my Paw Paw told me.  To be honest this was something I thought unwound share in the time time frame it happened in my journey.  I thought I would wait till that actually moment in my pregnancy story to share.  But my heart is feeling it today because I have had to use it today so I know it's time.  

While every single appointment wether it was an ultrasound or just an appointment during my pregnancy... It was terrifying.  Brent is an engineer type personality to the core (by day it's his job and by nature it's his thought process.). Cut and dry "it is what it is."  Where as I am someone who is a "maybe things can change" type of person. Yes I am a planner and don't you dare stray from my plan but I am also a strong believer in karma and miracles.  So every single time we would head to a Dr appointment I was down right shocked and even taken a back at how Brent was never expecting there to be a change in our prognosis??????  Never once dos I think he had given up hope but he did believe what the Dr's saw was what was going to happen:  even though they had never seen it and couldn't tell us 100% he was adamant that it was black and white or the writing was on the wall.  Whereas, naive me was like oh well if they have never seen it or can't say for a 100% then maybe they or wrong?  But one by one each appointment started to prove me wrong.  I never got to hear the words "Mrs Bergeron your son has made a turn for the better, Mrs. Bergeron I am sorry we were wrong or Mrs. Bergeron even though we have never seen what we thought was your sons diagnosis we have also never seen the miracle we are witnessing now."  Like a checklist they kept knocking me down.  And even though my faith and hope we're never torn down the way I viewed life was.  My realization of goodness in the world was changed and I hate to say it I saw the evil in this world rest it's head in a way I never thought even existed.  And being the open book person I am I shared that with my family and close friends.  So the routine check ups became my worst nightmares.  No matter if Brent couldn't make one do to work or if my Mom was going to meet me there so unwound never have to be alone... the drive to get there was scary and dark.  And this is where my Paw Paw stepped in.  Let me begin my sharing he is a man that stands first in my line of men I look up to and admire.  Yes I know he has and still will never be perfect but to me he comes damn close, even in his failures he is beyond amazing in my eyes. He also is a gentle soul in a way you do not see men in todays time.

 He is:

A man of his faith, even though he admits his sins

A man who loves with ability that far out measures his hearts capacity.

A man who cries even though most men are ashamed to show tears.

A man who is never afraid to pick his favorites amongst his grandchildren, even though it's probably not right (but knowingly he knows we will all be given our turn).

A man with working hands and goals, even though he knows a woman's true love is a gift at the end of the day .

A man who openly speaks his mind, even though you may not be his friend because of it but you will respect him more for it in the long run.

A man who believes this is a mans world but at the same time he believes more that there is true love and we are each given a chance at it (no matter how long it takes you to find it, it is there for each of us to have.)

And lastly a man who believes with all of his being family comes first NO MATTER WHAT!

So now that you you know that let me share he is known to call and check on me and always has  even before I was pregnant with Braxton.  I have never wanted to admit to him when I was in a bind or needed his help.  To the point he has had to drive it out of me/hound me to ask for help.  In a way it's never been because I didn't want his help it has always been because I didn't want to let him down by admitting I needed help.  To the point of avoiding him in order to hide my failures.  But one day he caught me an he caught me good.  I will never forget I was driving the 45 minute drive from New Iberia to home after a long day of work.  And just as my phone was ringing I had to tell myself I could only avoid him so long before I had to speak to him.  And I knew I had no answers from Dr's to tell him how things were or that they even might be ok.  So as I heard his voice say "My Heart, you there?"  I knew I had to face him.  "Yes Paw Paw I'm here." And then the next part of our conversation was focused on trying to hide how much I was crying on the other side of the line.  But little did I know what  he had to tell me would be not only be something I would carry with me even still today but it would also be something I would share with other grieving mothers who I now call very close friends.  Aa he asked me how things were going and I tried to dance around the true pain and heartache I was feeling he told me this. 

Do not ever let the devil take away your happiness My Heart.  He is not worthy of it and he doesn't deserve it.  But he will take it if you let him.  I want you to promise me any time you feel like he is trying to steal it that you will tell him no.  I told him yes sir and just tried to finish the call because I wanted to cry the ugly cry loud and by myself because I knew I couldn't fix the outcome of my pregnancy or the line of heartache it was causing way past my own.  No Sarah Nicole I mean it, do not ever let him think he can have your happiness.  And when you feel like he is creeping in on it I don't want you to only think it I want you to tell him and I mean tell him at the top of your lungs "Devil you are NOT worthy of my happiness and I will not let you steal it from me."

A simple line like that and from then on out I began to repeat it over and over almost daily.  And I can remember heading to appointments with two hands on the steering wheel gripping it almost to the point of blisters due to the pain I could not express screaming ..... DEVIL BACK AWAY BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT STEAL MY HAPPINESS FROM ME EVEN WHEN I DONT THINK I HAVE ANG I WILL STILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO HAVE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT WORTHY IT. 

I have screamed this louder than I can explain and more times that I can count since the day my Grandfather told me this.  I now call this my "Fight Song".  I pray that every single woman reading this no matter what obstacle they are dealing with knows they are worthy of their own fight song.  Find yours and make it your own.  These words not only mean hope to me but they mean strength in words!!  We are all worth our own happiness from God and there is no reason we should ever allow the devil any reason to believe he can conquer that.  I can remember thinking I never deserved the blessing of being a mother who was allowed to raise her children here on earth.  But with the fight I had in me to make sure that message from the devil was not allowed I am staring at this across from me at the beach today.  They are now the face of my Fight Song and make it all worth the fight.  I will not ever let the devil think for a minute he is stronger than my God, although I may have my days of weakness I promise in the end my God will always rise above him!!!  ALWAYS!!!!!  

So here I stand 5 years later on the night before my sweet boy enter and exited this earthy world.  I still have a lot of sadness, guilt and pain within in me but I also have a huge amount of fight left in me to finish my journey here even if it is without my Braxton. Because I know one day we will be together again.  But until that day I will continue to push the devil out of my mind and allow the happiness I deserve to be first in my life!!!!

This Is Us "Or At Least A Huge Portion"

I personally love the new show This Is Us!  The dynamic of it instantly drew me in.  But when I started to think of Brent and I's story of "This Is Us" a majority of the people in this picture stood out!!!  This is our family outside of our family!  Each of these people have been in my life from the moment I was born.  They loved us and have always been there for us through it all!  And let me tell you even before I existed they were there for my parents through even more!  But they are still here and that's what means so much!  So when we can be together even if it's for an evening it is special.  It is loud, crazy, and full of more laughs than you can imagine!  So many of this Florida family isn't in these pictures because they have jobs and can't always come when we are here and the ones my age have moved away.  But we always find ourselves together at weddings or big events and even the sad gatherings such as funerals too.  All because that's what friends/family do.  To be completely honest we are probably the most dysfunctional family outside of family group you will ever find, but that ok because "This Is Us!"  There will never be another group to replace them in our minds or hearts!  And there will never be enough words to describe what they mean to us, and for that we are forever grateful!!!!

I Believe

I believe that God 

sent you into my life 

to give me something to fight for,

to show me there is love in this world,

to give me hope

and to bring me joy,

all the proof in God I need is in you,

you are my gift from the heavens.

The Littlest Things Can Hit You The Hardest

Today we finally got into our condo for our beach vacation!!!!  We are over the moon excited for 7 days of the sand and ocean!  The kids are what I would call beyond excited and seems like their energy has hit overdrive!  I have to keep reminding myself they are young and just excited because if not I will freak out because my patience can only take so much LOL!  After unloading the car and unpacking we planned to take the kids to at least put their toes in the sand before the sun went down.   Finally it seemed like everything was unpacked and as I was walking Brent and I's room to head to the kitchen to see how I could help in there I placed our beach shoes by the door.  And that's when it hit me!  I couldn't hold back the tears and I felt like I had literally been punched in the stomach.  It was like the air had been knocked out of me and I was sobbing like a big baby.  I went straight back into the bedroom to find something else to do in there so I could buy time to compose myself.  I sat on the floor and just continued to cry.  You see the last time we were here was in 2012.  We came right before I delivered Braxton as a family because I wanted him to hear the waves at least once.  And our amazing friends offered us the condo again while I was on maternity leave after losing Braxton to give us a small escape.  So I haven't been here since and it just seemed like the emotions of being here again took over.  And those shoes placed there by the door ready to slip on to go down to the beach represented my family.  But this time there are two extra pairs right next to Mommy & Daddy's!  It probably sounds so silly but if you only knew how huge this is to me.  Those tiny shoes are for the two precious miracles Braxton sacrificed everything for.  Without him those shoes would not be here.  Because without him we would of never learned of the disease Brent & I carried around  unknowingly that could be passed down to 1 in 4 of any pregnancies we would have.  I was told I may never have those pairs of shoes next to ours and to try and plan for a full life in other aspects other than children.  Those shoes may mean nothing to others when they go on vacation but to me they mean the purpose of all we have been through.   They are worth every tear and every bit of pain I still struggle with, they are my answered prayers!!

Let The Vacation Begin

Well we made it safe and sound!  Let the vacation begin!!! 

 Took our time getting here and: 

- stopped for some lunch

- sang some songs

- watched some movies

- both kiddos took naps along the way

- honked through the Mobile tunnel

- made big trucks honk there loud horns on the interstate

- did some shopping

- Leighton rode a bull

- Jean Paul has snacked the entire time

- headed to a family dinner

- then checking into our first hotel till our condo is ready tomorrow

- anticipating jumping on the hotel beds (cause that's a must)

- and in Leighton's words " waking up to put on our swim soups and never taking them off"

The real party starts when Maw Maw & Pepa get here tomorrow!!!!

Our Pre - Birthday Tradition

Our little family has a tradition we started 5 years ago the day before Braxton's arrival.  When we did it 5 years ago we did not know that it would become our thing until his first birthday.  That's when found ourselves in the exact spot the day before his birthday again and since then we have vowed to do it every year as our tradition.  This year we will be at the beach for his birthday which means we will not be here for our tradition or to visit him on his birthday.  I have had a hard time excepting that I won't be here for all of that but I know in my heart he knows I will be celebrating his day wherever we are.  So amazingly Brent asked if I wanted to take the kids today before we hit the road tomorrow.  My heart skipped a few beats and I was beyond happy that he too still wanted to keep our special outing going.  So that's what we did.  And at the end of the day I realized it's OK that we did it on a different day.  What truly matters is that we still did it, and we did it as a family.  

On August 16, 2012 our entire family was anxious and beyond scared for what was to come the next morning of the 17th "Braxton's Arrival Day."  Our faith was still strong and we continued praying and hoping for a miracle.  Funny thing is.... even when your faith and trust in God is stronger than ever you can still be scared.  And that's exactly what we were.  With the Dr's unsure if they knew exactly what Braxton had or how to tell us what to expect we were down right terrified.  You trust your Dr and you trust medical science, but when you are told if what they believe was taking place with your pregnancy and your son is true then it is something none of them have ever seen before................ you are scared.  So not knowing what to think or what our lives would be like in less than 15 hours Brent told me to get in the truck.  He loaded me in and said we were just going for a ride.  It was probably the only way he knew how to cope was to just get out and to do something.  I mean what do you do with a 40 week pregnant wife who basically knows that her son will be here tomorrow, but he may not be here long.  I was a basket case of course, but I was also in a peaceful place within my own being too.  I knew in my heart that I had used every single second of having Braxton in my womb as time with him.  We did so many things in order to enjoy the moments we did get to have him with us, even if it was why I was still holding him.  But looking back I think Brent started to process all of the things he was not more than likely going to get to experience or share with his son.  And that was painful.  A Dad and a Son should have many special moments throughout the years and it was just hitting him that this may be his last opportunity to do that.  So off we went with no plan and no agenda.  We just drove.  And by the end of our ride these are the things we did and where we went with Braxton in order for Daddy to get those special moments with his boy in case this was his last chance.

1)  We drove all over UL campus as Daddy pointed out all of the important buildings and spots.

2)  We got down at the University Bookstore and bought Braxton an authentic Cajuns souvenir.

3)  We drove to Cajun Field to show him where Daddy had played football in college and where we still loved tailgating for many sports events.

4)  We went through the snowball line right in Poppa's parking lot to get yummy snowballs and show him Mike's Car Care.

5)  And lastly we found ourselves at Girard Park which is back on campus.  There we sat under a tree and ate our snowballs and fed the ducks.

None of that sounds like huge events Right?  But to us they are part of who we are and everything we wished and dreamed we could share with Braxton.  And because of that alone it was perfect.  And each year we do the same thing.  This year after the park I drove past our spots with the kids and had to scream over Jean Paul's crying (because he hates the car) and Leighton's movie she was watching LOL.  One thing we do different is with 2 small children we do not get out at the book store to shop lol.  But Leighton & Jean Paul both do get a UL shirt for the upcoming football season.  And yes my kids have tons of UL attire, but these shirts are picked out by Brent himself!  So this day means so much to me because we are together and remembering him as a family!!!  A part of me has hope and visions of Braxton bragging to his angel friends about our tradition and about how he is proud to be a Ragin Cajun even if its an angel one!