Waiting On Braxton (Post 1)

Waiting On Braxton (Post 1)

3/29/2012

Actual Journal Entry by Sarah Bergeron written on Caring Bridge to keep family & friends informed of Dr visits

The 20 week ultrasound was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives, this day quickly turned to lots of worrying and heartache.  Our Dr informed us that our baby was right on track in size and measurements of the head and body, yet he was not happy with the extremities/long bones.  He stated he would like for us to see a specialist to make sure everything is OK.  The mood in the room quickly changed from the excitement of finding out the gender, to our greatest fears becoming our reality.  We still asked them to put the sex of our sweet baby in a sealed envelope since we were planning a reveal party with our family that night.  Immediately after we left all we could do was cry, hug and pray that the specialist would tell us good news.  We also attended noon mass and prayed for guidance.   That evening as planned we had our reveal party where we learned we were the parents to a little BOY!!!  The thought of worry never left us but we kept up hope.  We will pray each and every day for a miracle and for the guidance to get us through this journey that God has placed in our path.  We know our baby boy is ours for a reason and we will love him more and more each day.  We are taking each day Braxton is still with us as a gift.  We are very blessed to have the love and support of so many wonderful family members and friends who will get us through one day at a time.

Dear My Sweet Boy,

Tonight Mommy & Daddy were so happy to throw you a party.  We got to be around family and friends.  We were smiling on the outside, but inside we were worrying about you so much.  We promise to do everything we can to keep you safe.  We do not know what will happen next, but we do know we love you more than anything in the world.  And we already know your name....

Braxton Michael Bergeron

My Reflection Looking Back Now:

- 20 weeks pregnant 

- half way there- boy or girl?

- how much bigger will I get?

- should we cook crawfish étouffée or order pizza tonight

  for the gender reveal party?

These were some of the thoughts racing through my head as Brent and I sat in the waiting room waiting for our 20 week ultrasound. Now looking back, how naive was I. The tech took us back and began the ultrasound.

-Ahhhhh I hear the heart ✅ 

-Five fingers five toes ✅ 

-Diaphragm moving up and down ✅

-Kidneys ✅ 

-Stomach has fluid in it ✅ 

-Measurements......... Silence. 

This is where our easy/normal pregnancy became something more than we could over ever imagined!!!!

The tech quickly exited the room and went to get my Dr. I vividly remember looking over at my husband and saying "something is wrong." He quickly told me I worry to much and she was probably just finished with her part of the scan and it's time for the Dr to come in. Wanting to scream at him that he was wrong I just sat there and told myself to calm down. I remember my Dr coming in and viewing the screen and taking a few measurements then calmly telling me a few things were concerning??? And then the numbness set in.

I don't recall much after that. Next thing that I truly remember is sitting in my car. Brent had walked me to it and made sure I was semi OK and hurried to work to inform them that he would need a couple days off for us to see specialists and see what was what. I just sat there numb. Who do I call, where do I go, how am I supposed to just wait around and I don't even know what's going on??????

Next thing I heard was my Moms voice. "Daddy is on his way." I must of called her I thought as my mind raced but my body was unable to move.  Of course I did she is my person, she is the one person I tell everything good or bad.  So of course I called her, I kept telling myself that because I honestly just wanted her to come get me and hold me.  My Dad pulled up and immediately was in my car and I lost it and was sobbing in his arms. I couldn't hold it in anymore. The questions were flying and I didn't know what to tell him because I didn't even understand what was going on. I recalled them saying his legs and spine weren't measuring correctly but that's all I could remember. The numbness somehow how had taken over and I couldn't focus enough to pay attention to what the Dr had told me. At that moment my phone rings and I couldn't even move to answer it. My dad answered it and this is what I heard. "Hello, this is her Father. TWO WEEKS? No that is not acceptable we need to see the specialist today or tomorrow. We will not put my daughter through 2 weeks of unnecessary worry." As he hung up he said you have an appointment tomorrow morning and then you will have answers!  You see I am a Daddy's girl to the core and all my life he has taken care of me and my family.  He has been my super hero for as long as I could remember.  To the point of when I got married and vented to my Mom about marriage issues I had an unrealistic view of a husband lol.  She has always laughed since then and told me "Of course you thought we were perfect, we are your parents we never wanted you to see anything but happiness!"  But no matter what I thought he was capable of as a husband he always exceeded my expectations as a Father and still does today! I could of never imagined the pain that my Mom & Dad were about to go through as we started this journey, because you see there are some things that can not be fixed even with the greatest amount of love.  They just can't and now more than ever I understand how it feels to be a parent that can't fix the heartache or take away the pain that your child is feeling.  

So in that moment I truly believed him when he said that tomorrow we would have answers. But little did I know we may not ever get the answers we were hoping for, that we needed or that we wanted! The numbness I felt that day still hits me at times. I can be going about my life, raising the 2 healthy babies I've had since Braxton and it just hits me. I'm motionless and numb. I have to remind myself that this is my life. Because from 20 weeks pregnant till after my sweet baby went to heaven is a blur. How did I function in that time? How did I survive? How did I make it through? I still don't know the answers to those questions. The only thing that I can say is my undying faith, my undying hope and my undying love for my child and in God is what got me through.

When someone tells you that numbness is a feeling please believe them because it is real. I now believe it was my breaking heart telling my body to go numb in order for me not to completely go crazy. The blank stare I had from then on was not because I didn't care... It was because I cared so much but was Numb 

That night we had our gender reveal which I somewhat remember.  I can remember trying to smile and also trying to not show how scared I was.  All I knew was that I was finally getting to be a Mother.  Something I have wanted from as far back as I can remember.  It was who I was supposed to be and all I ever wanted in life.  And for now I felt like all the trying, all of the waiting and the joy of being pregnant may be taken away from me.  Brent and I had experienced a very hard time in our marriage leading up to our pregnancy.  To the point of us practically separating because we did not know if we were meant to be.  After many tears and painful words exchanged to each other we decided to give ourselves one more chance.  Not long after that we became pregnant with Braxton.  So immediately I was confused and worried what God was trying to tell me.

 That night after everyone left my phone rang.  It was my OB Dr.  He very calmly began to tell me that once we left his office he looked at our scans again.  He explained that he truly thought the ultrasound showed evidence of Braxton being a little person/Dwarf.  I will never forget what came out of Brent's mouth next.  "Oh that's fine Dr Bourque that is fine."  While I watched him slowly tear up and grab my hand and squeeze it as to say, It's OK it's going to be OK.  This moved me more than I think he will ever know or more than I have ever admitted to him.  I know in my heart Brent is a kind and gentle person, but he is also quiet, timid and rough around the edges.  And with that being said he is also a man, a man who has always wanted a son to play sports like he did.  So to hear him verbally state he was OK with our baby having any sort of handicap as long as he could live and function (even if it was in his own way with mind and body) was so comforting.  In that moment he became a Father, and it was the start of him understanding that the little things we always wanted were not as important as the big picture.  We were united for once in our marriage and it felt good to feel like a team.  This would be the first of many times my husband surprised me with the words he spoke on Braxton's and my behalf along our journey!  A journey that was ours and we were excepting as God's plan.

So that night I do not know if either of us slept as we prepared for our specialist visit the next day.  I wanted more than ever for today to just be a nightmare that we would wake up from when the specialist would clear everything all up.  Even though I prayed for answers that night, the things we were about to be told were by far the farthest from what we wanted to hear.  But from that night forward the WAITING began and none of us knew the journey we were about to begin, the journey that would change our lives forever!  This would be Our Story!

If I told you my story

You would hear hope that wouldn't let go
If I told you my story
You would hear love that never gave up
If I told you my story
You would hear life but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
To tell you my story is to tell of Him

If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
If told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
If I told you my story
You would hear life overcome the grave

If I should speak then let it be

This is my story this is my song praising my Savior all the day long

😥