First Day Of Kindergarten In Heaven

So many firsts,

so many what ifs,

so many whys,

so many crushed dreams,

so many tears.

The list could go on and on.  But then I would completely drive myself crazy.  I try each day to live with peace and hapiness for the blessings I have been given.  And as hard as it is to understand sometimes even the greatest tragedies turn out to be the greatest blessings.  I am only human at the end of the day though, and some days I fall.  Last night was one of those days or moments.

I had honestly done well with the start of the school year approaching this year.  Leighton & Jean Paul are still to young for grade school so no big planning needed to take place in our home.  But last night as I was laying out the kids clothes for daycare it hit me.  I lost it.  This was what I call me falling.  I fell from the happy place I try to exist these days and allowed myself to feel the pain of what has happened to my family and the pain of what was stolen from us too.   And honestly no matter what anyone thinks it is ok to fall.  We can not hold it together all the time, especially not grieving mothers.  The tears started pouring as I became frozen.  Unable to move physically because I was crying so hard my mind kept racing.  

It's not fair.

I should be ironing that little boys uniform for his first day of Kindergarten tommorrow.

What would you look like?

I should be getting a cute sign ready for him to hold for that annual first day of school pic.

What would you be interested in?

Would you be a tad bit scared for tommorrow or ready to jump right in?

Who would you be hoping was in your class this year?

What would your teachers name be?

How would we handle two different drop off locations and pickups?

How did this happen?

Why do I have to go through this?

So last night I went to bed crushed with what could of and what should of been for us tomorrow.  It was a very restless night for me, but this happens all the time for the many "firsts" we should be experiencing.  Somehow I did sleep some but I was very worried with how I was going to hide my tears and heartache the next day.

Flash forward to today!  2017 Braxton's first day of Kindergarten in Heaven!!!

Being that I could not sleep well I was up early and with a new sense of peace mixed in with my sadness that is to be expected.  My Mom always made a huge deal about the first day of school breakfast.  It had to be wonderful because it was a very special day!  So that's what I was going to do too!  So by the time the Leighton & Jean Paul were waking up our house smelled like bacon and waffles (it was all we truly had in the breakfast department lol).  But it didn't matter it was not our normal routine so to them it was fun and exciting!  I told them what a special day today was in heaven for Bubba!  Leighton had a ton of questions and Jean Paul just kept wanting more food!  Leighton actually remembered us bringing him a balloon and chalkboard last year for his first day of Pre-K which made me beam with pride.  She quickly started planning what kind of balloon he would get today.  So off to daycare they went and off to work I went with a smile and a plan to get him a blue balloon like his sister requested for his special day!!!!  On the way to work I recieved a few messages from friends and family who knew that today was one of those hard days for me.  But what I read on my text messages were more than I could of ever asked for.  They were two different ways to view today from how I was viewing it.

The messages read:

1)  What a big day for a special little boy as he starts Kindergarten in Heaven.  It fills my heart with so much joy knowing he is in the presence of Jesus the greatest teacher of all.  

2)  I bet someone else is having breakfast getting ready for their first day of the school year at Sts Peter & Paul too, maybe even 2 all because of your Braxton Scholarship Fund.  I am sure Braxton knows who they are and is with them today.

I could not hold back the tears.  But this time they were tears of true honor.  I felt so proud of my Angel!  What an amazing way to look at today.  And Jesus is with the greatest teacher of all and that means so much to me knowing he is with him.  Then I was so moved by the vision of the students we are able to help with our fundraiser in honor of Braxton.  Those students are getting support in the best way ever, in our sons honor and recieving a great education.  Without all the help we get from our family and friends we could not honor our sweet boy with our Scholarship Assistance Fundraiser at the very school we dreamed he would go too.  Wow what amazing visions I had now!!!!

At lunch I ran to the store and found the perfect blue heart balloon that read.....You Are Special!  After work I rushed to get my babies to visit Braxton and bring him his annual balloon for his first day of Kindergarten.  While we were there Jean Paul brought him a flash card and Leighton decided she wanted to sing him a song.  When she started singing The Wheels On The Bus my heart was beaming.  I thought it was the perfect selection for the occasion.  When our visit was over we loaded into the car and headed to "Old McDonalds" to top of our celebration.  That is where I learned how Braxton's first day of school really went per Leighton!

His teachers name is:  Mrs Kelly

For play time he:  was on the swing the whole time

For lunch he had: corndog and coopalls (which as i learned today is big boy food)

On the way home Leighton asked me if he would still be going to Tricia's (daycare) to see her still??  Of course he will baby, he is with us wherever we are!  I could not of asked for a better First Day of Kindergarten In Heaven celebration if I had planned it out myself!