Still There Daughter

Never to old to just want your Mom and Dad by your side.  When your 37 years old and you can still count on you parents showing up; just because they know you need them there.....  that’s a pretty amazing feeling!  And yes that’s exactly what they did for me today!

Ahhhh To Be A Child Again

As I lay here and wonder what the plan is for my family and the future (regarding career moves) I can’t help but think about how much easier being a child was.  Crazy thing is back then I couldn’t wait to be an adult lol.  I hate to even begin to add up all the time I have wasted on wanting something other than what I had in the moment.  Yes life is scary, cruel and down right hard at times but it is also a gift, filled with love and is amazingly beautiful if you focus on the good things.  So as this sweet miracle holds my hand while she sleeps I want to promise myself to always remember to focus on the good things!  I want to try and remember living at her age... the innocence, the easiness and the pure joy I felt each day as a child.  I can’t help but praise my parents for allowing me to be a child when I was meant to be one.  They truly made sure they adult issues were guarded from my brother and I when we were growing up.  Some may say that’s sheltering us, but I honestly think they knew soon enough we would be adults ourselves and have to fight the same fights they had to.  So why not let us have as many years as we could just being carefree.  I can’t thank them enough for that.  This little girl holding my hand still adores me at this point, she still feels I can do no wrong and more than anything she loves me for me!!!  Yes I know in years to come we will have ups and down but I hope she can always appreciate the things I do for her they way I appreciate all that my parents have and still do for me!!!

From Waffles to Weeping

So yesterday afternoon I was able to do a medium size grocery shopping haul lol.  Which in Leighton's world means “Anything Goes For Dinner!”  I agreed that was fair yesterday as we unloaded all the groceries, but since we still had leftovers she graciously agreed to do it today!  So as I was rubbing her back this morning trying to wake her up slowly for daycare she popped up and told me that tonight was the night she could pick anything she wanted for dinner lol.  Obviously this was a way bigger deal to her than I had known!  And it didn’t slip her mind at all throughout the day because she reminded me the second I picked her up from school too lol!  After much thought and consideration the whole ride home this afternoon she not surprisingly picked waffles with cinnamon butter!  Or as she has always called it since she was a baby a waffle with..... butter baby!!!!!  Seeing her so excited for waffles of course Jean Paul jumped on the band wagon; although I think her would jump on anything that involves him getting to eat lol.  Waffles it was!  Not even an hour later Jean Paul was in tears and not just a little tear here or there but full blown mad/aggregated/semi-pissed off tears!  After what felt like almost 45 minutes of what I have to call a temper tantrum he finally was ready to relax.  As he begged for me to hold him I scooped him up and sat on the couch for a long time.  Finally he lifted his head and sadly said “Sorry Mommy.”  I tried to tell him it was ok to be upset sometimes but that doesn’t mean we get to be mean and hurt others feelings.  He laid on my chest and just kept saying okay.  I hated to see him so upset but I also can’t let him play me like a fiddle lol, but boy does he know how to pull on my heartstrings.  Oh toddler drama; I mean seriously literally we went from waffle smiles to weeping overload in just a matter of minutes!  But then again I have mood swings by the second myself so who am I to judge..... guess it’s better than weeping during waffle time RIGHT?  LOL!

And I Won’t Forget

“And I’m proud to be an American,

where at least I know I’m free!

And I won’t forget the men who died

who gave that right to me!”

Thank you to all the men and women who give everything so we can have it all! 

Surprise Night

Well we started this holiday weekend out right!!!!  Brent and I had our first “Surprise Night” with the kids.  The plan was to all do something fun together without the kids not knowing any of the plans.  So after nap time we started getting them excited by telling them we had to get ready fast for Surprise Night!  Of course Leighton had a ton of questions as normal lol.  By the time we were loaded in the car she literally couldn’t stop giggling with excitement.  So I must admit the plans were not that extravagant but to a 2 and 4 year old anything together as a family is amazing!!  Which honestly I think so many of us could learn from.  First stop was the famous Chuck E Cheese; yayyyyy lol (insert eye roll here lol).  When the saw the sign it was all smiles and clapping then.  We still can’t figure out how Jean Paul knew what that place was lol.  Jokingly Brent told Leighton “oh no baby we are going to the store Big slots next store for furniture.”  Without skipping a beat Leighton sweetly said “Daddy after we get furniture can we go to Chuck E Cheese?”  My heart melted and of course we had to fell her the truth.  So after waiting for what felt like an hour to buy tokens we finally got to start playing.  Seriously how to explain to toddlers that you don’t know why only one employee working at every station.  We had so much fun watching them play and run from game to game.  After dancing with Chuck E Cheese we collected all our tickets and headed to the prize counter, where I must say I was very impressed with my babies. Again one employee was working, but when we finally got our turn they literally only wanted one Dum Dum sucker each.  I couldn’t of asked for a smoother transaction lol.  Once everyone was loaded up we headed to the next stop; Hibachi for dinner!  The kids have never been and we thought they would get a kick out of the production.  As we waited to be seated guess who walked in to join us for Surprise Night?  Yep Maw Maw and Pepa!  Anything is wonderful when they are there lol.  The show and food was a huge hit and we giggled and laughed so much.  Leighton of course was more reserved and shy when the chef would try and play games, but Jean Paul was the complete opposite as usual lol.  He even wanted to participate in trying to catch the flying food; which had us all laughing so hard we were almost crying.  “My turn” is what he kept repeating over and over lol.  But as soon as we left Leighton was Chatty Cathy about the chef and how funny he was!  Third and final stop was a sleepover at Maw Maw and Pepa’s house!  And as you can guess was probably the biggest highlight of the night to them lol.  Right before it was time to go to sleep Leighton ran and hugged Brent and told him “Thank you Daddy for Surprise Night it was so much fun!”  I hope we get to do another one real soon because the look on their faces and the sound of their giggles was priceless!!!!!

Friday Nights

Just another Friday night in Louisiana!
Not to many times we get to all be together after 5:00 PM;
so we take advantage of it when we can!

Friday Nights

Braxton Helps 2018

That’s a wrap for our 2018 Braxton Helps Fundraiser!!!  This year was very special because it was the very first year that Leighton truly was able to help with her Big Brother’s Fundraiser! From sorting and passing out flyers, ticket sales, baking for the the sweet tent booth, being at the event from set up to tear down and lastly getting to deliver the check with the final donation amount!  I am beyond grateful and proud every single year of our fundraiser and all of the amazing people who help us accomplish it.   This year we were able to donate $5000 to help others with tuition assistance at Sts Peter & Paul Catholic School.  Our sweet boy would be wrapping up his kindergarten year and I can only imagine what his little personality would be like at this age!  I believe with all my heart that after 6 years of hosting the Braxton’s helps fundraiser and helping multiple families with tuition our Braxton is more than present in the school!  I like to imagine him personally being a guardian angel to all of the students.  And this August as Leighton begins her first year of big girl school I pray he holds her hand daily as she walks the halls.  It’s a bittersweet time for our family as we have felt very connected to this school and our church through every step of our journey.  But as the call came in to let us know we had been accepted into the school this year and I sobbed and kept repeating yes, yes, yes I heard on the other end of the telephone “ We would like to officially welcome you to the student body family” my heart was beaming!  For we have been apart of this school family for 6 years now helping others and honoring our Braxton’s memory, but it was official now our dream of our kids attending were finally coming true!  And without a doubt I know Braxton paved the way for his sister and brother to gain this chance!  I pray our kids always know the importance of helping others and that good things do come to those who wait and believe!

Pre K Here She Comes

Today was a very big Day for our girl!  Pre K testing time!!!!!  Leighton was so excited to sit at a “medium table” as she called it in a big girl classroom today.  She didn’t want to tell me to many details about what questions were asked etc., but she did inform me that she was a big girl and went by herself and...... she used her manners!  I know I was smiling from ear to ear because as hard as it is to see her growing up so fast I can’t help but be proud of her.  As I told her how proud I was of her for being brave she said “ thanks mommy.”  And with that out of the way she then went into a long description of how Maw Maw said today was a very special day and that means you get a very special lunch.  So my 4 year old was treated to spaghetti (per her request) at Imonelli’s!!!!  And if you are not familiar with it I can tell you by no means is a fast food establishment lol!  Yes my 4 year old went fine dining for lunch today with her Maw Maw and Pepa to celebrate her big day of Pre K testing.  I am so blessed to get to watch my little girl get spoiled by her Grandparents.  Although sometimes I wonder who enjoys the spoiling more.... them or her!!!!  And at the end of the day I wouldn’t want it any other way!!!!! 

“Leighton Where Are You?”

I can’t lie it’s a good feeling when your kids miss each other when they aren’t together!  Leighton is staying at Maw Maw and Pepa’s tonight and don’t think for a second Jean Paul didn’t notice she wasn’t here.  He asked where she was the entire way home and then looked for her once we got inside.  Sweet thing walked to ever room saying “Leighton where are you?”  So after bath time I told him he could call her.  The smiles in this pic says it all!!!!!!!!!  I know I may not be able to take full credit for their closeness, but it sure does make me feel like I’m doing something right!

A Child’s Laughter

The laughter of a child

is the light of a home!

To think that not that long ago I didn’t know if we would ever have the lighter of a child in our home.  The days were so quiet, too quiet actually.  But somewhere, somehow in that quietness I found my faith.  I will never forget those days; although painful, those days brought me back to my God... a God who is always there for me with a never ending Love!!!!

Fear Is A Liar

Today as usual we made our Sunday visit with Bubba.  I couldn’t help but fight the tears as I watched my babies rearrange a few things for Braxton!!! Most of their focus was on the new pinwheel Pepa brought him last week.  And in Leighton's own words “it’s the biggest pinwheel I’ve ever seen!”  As we walked away I couldn’t help but feel the fear come over me... the same fear I have had for over 6 years now.  Instantly I remembered the song I heard a few weeks ago and I googled it instantly.  The kids were halfway down the walk way when I said hey y’all come back let’s listen to a song with Bubba!!  We all sat there on the path near Braxton’s headstone and listened to these words:

When he told you you're not good enough
When he told you you're not right
When he told you you're not strong enough
To put up a good fight
When he told you you're not worthy
When he told you you're not loved
When he told you you're not beautiful
That you'll never be enough

Fear, he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar

When he told you were troubled
You'll forever be alone
When he told you you should run away
You'll never find a home
When he told you you were dirty
And you should be ashamed
When he told you you could be the one
That grace could never change

Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar

Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel

Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel

Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel

Oh, let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel

Oh, fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar

'Cause fear he is a liar

Ballerina Dreams

Brent is out of town this weekend which usually means either snuggles in Mommy’s bed or a stay Maw Maw and Pepa’s hotel lol!  Well last night was snuggles in my bed and I call lie I was just as excited as Leighton was.  After I had washed my face and brushed my teeth I walked into my room to find her already fast asleep; which I must add never happens.... my girl can hang all night with the best of them!  Before I climbed in with her I saw her with her Dance Revue program tucked under her arm.  My heart melted.  She is so excited about dancing and the big stage coming up!  I hope she always finds joy in whatever she does in life, wether it be dancing or anything else!  I kissed her forehead  and whispered “ sweet dreams my ballerina! “

My Mother’s Day Gift

So for the last few days the joke amongst our family is my Mother’s Day gift was a brand new AC unit!!!!!  Yes Sunday afternoon in the sweltering heat (and yes it’s only May) we discovered our AC unit at our house had checked out!!!!  Well just wait and see everyone said it may just be a quick fix butttttttt no not ours lol.  So a big check later we have a brand new AC unit!  Yayyyyy! To add to the sarcasm everyone is commenting on my hate of being hot, but in my defense who the heck wants to shower and simply walk to the car and be sweating already.  Or better yet when we go somewhere I always joke that I didn’t come here to pay to sweat.  It is just something that anyone who knows me knows I DO NOT LIKE TO BE HOT LOL!!!!!  So finally 4 days later we are back home with actual cool air circulating through our home.  Now I must admit it wasn’t a true sacrifice to have to pack up and move to my Mom and Dad’s while waiting, or Maw Maw & Pepa’s Hotel as Leighton calls it.  And I must also tell you I don’t know who cried more; my kids or Maw Maw when we only got to stay 3 nights instead of the originally expected 6 nights!!  But now that I lay here in bed laughing to myself about how things have changed over the years (I mean I never would of imagined saving for years to have to take some of it out for air conditioning) that’s just something I always took for granted as my parents took care of.  But hey I guess I have to grow up sometime right????  As I was packing on Sunday for our retreat to Maw Maw’s Hotel I grabbed a daily devotion book off my nightstand that I got for my birthday which literally was 2 months ago.  After the kids were settled and I got ready for bed in the bathroom of my Mom’s house I came across the book inside my overnight bag.  I sat on the bathroom floor and just held it.  I know I read the cover at least 10 times.  And right before I opened it I made myself a promise... if I opened this book; which was a special gift from a friend who knows my daily struggles, I was going to promise myself to devote at least 10 minutes a day to read it till it was complete!  This I told myself would be my gift to myself for Mother’s Day.  True, it was a deal I was making with myself to read the book, but it was also a way for me to give myself time not only for myself, but for God and ultimately to be in a better place for my family.  I know for a fact my greatest personal times of my life have been the times I was more devoted to my personal growth through faith.  So 4 days in I have accomplished daily devotion time for reflection and I am beyond excited to see what will become of it.  So tonight when I got these pictures of my kids enjoying one on one time with Brent at first I was sad and jealous I wasn’t there, but then I reminded myself to view it differently.  My kids were smiling and enjoying their special time with Daddy while I was having a Mommy night.  Everyone deserves a little free time and I need to appreciate the moments they get to share and that I get to do just me!  The helicopter Mom in me doesn’t like to not be there all the time, but the Mom I want to be is slowly learning it’s ok to have alone time sometimes too!  

These Moments

If you only knew

how much these little moments

mean to me.

Safe Place

“The people you love

should be where you

can calm your soul.

They should be

your safest place

to be yourself.

Life is hard enough.

These people 

should be your solace!”

I pray they always feel safe to be who they are with me!!!

Angels Among Us

Oh I believe 

there are angels among us

Sent down to us

from somewhere up above

They come to you and me

in our darkest hours

To show us how to live

To teach us how to give

Blessed Mother Of Three

A Mother

is not defined

by the number of children

you can see,

but by the love

she carries in her heart!

The Mom Who...

This is honestly what a Mom trying to keep it all together looks like!

As I whole heartedly try and allow myself to live in the moment I am usually brought to tears of guilt.  Especially around this time of year and even more on Mother’s Day.  So today I simply placed myself around the ones who get me the most.  And though the pain is still there just as strong as the day before... it is coupled with pure love that knows nothing more than “A Mother’s Love” their Mother’s love!  I will never understand why I have been so blessed

But I can promise I will never take it for granted. 

 My heart hurts so much for :

the Moms who are in waiting,

 the Moms who keep trying month after month,

tthe Moms who visit the cemetery weekly,

the Moms who feel cursed by their own bodies and genetics,

the Moms who question if the love they have to offer is worthy,

the Moms who see others living a life they yearn for,

the Moms who beg God nightly for a child of their own,

the Moms who have had to give their child back to God to soon,

the Moms who have spent hundreds of dollars hoping to see 2 pink lines just once,

the Moms who have it planned out in their heads how they would surprise their family with the news,

the Moms who smile through every baby shower and birthday party and then secretly cry after,

the Moms who make the best Aunts and Godmothers as they wait to have their turn,

the Moms who have heard “you are pregnant” but have also heard “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat”,

the Moms who have forgotten what intimacy is because getting pregnant takes the role of a job,

for the Moms who wish others saw adoption as the the truest form of Love,

the Moms who know they can’t afford IVF but know the price of Motherhood is worth it,

the Moms who remember their laugh, their warmth of their skin and especially their smell,

the Moms who felt the kicks of life in their womb but never saw their child take a breath,

the Moms who raise their stepchildren with the same heart they would their own,

and to the Moms who pray day and nightly for other Moms to get their chance they way they finally got theirs.  

Because we see you.  

Because we know your journey has not been easy.  

And because you deserve everything your heart desires and more.

Friday Fun

Bubbles, pool time, hot dogs and being together!  These are the things that make up a perfect afternoon.  We had an awesome time with Maw Maw & Pepa after school today.  Maw maw was worried the water was a little chilly for them with the wind sooooooooooo she added 6 pots of boiling water to the pool!!!!  She mixed it with the cold hose water to make it just right lol!  Can we say spoiled??????  We sat and watched them playing and giggling all afternoon.  I hope my kids always know how much they are loved.  Their smiles do so much for heart it’s unexplainable!!

Big Sister, Little Brother

Big Sister

Little Brother...

They are such a special pair

They laugh and play, have fun all day

With energy to spare

Oftentimes they disagree

But before the daylight ends

They are sitting side by side

The very best of friends

So we will hang those pictures

On the wall for all to see

A big sister, a little brother

Who are special as can be

Popsicle Season

Nothing beats summertime when you are young!  I can remember playing outside till the street lights came on when I was a kid!  I wish there were more hours in the day to be outside with my kids on days like these!  No whining or fussing; just pure joy playing outside!  As a Mom now I can see why my own Mom felt like she was going to go broke buying popsicles and juice back then lol!  I honestly did not know such tiny human beings could consume that many popsicles!  But the smiles are so worth it! My kids will never have another summer as 4 and 3 year olds so I’m hoping we can make thousands of memories this summer that will last a lifetime!  

****on a side note..... if you are anyone you know owns an ice cream truck can you kindly explain that it is not cool to keep making the block over and over again!  I can only get my kids to smile, wave and believe that you are completely out of ice cream for so long!!!!!!  Soooo passing 804 times an afternoon is NOT helping my situation OK!!!!! ****

Bubba’s Paintings

“Look what Bubba did!!!!”

I pray she always believes her Bubba paints the skies for her, 

just the way her Daddy believes his son paints them for him!

Truth In The Eyes Of A Child

After a few very emotional days I really can’t think of a better feeling than this sweet girl asleep on my chest.  I do my very best to keep my emotions in check in front of my kids, but I truly feel Leighton can sense them even without me showing them.  She always seems to be very in tune with Mommy and ready to cuddle exactly when I need it most.  Tonight as we said our prayers and snuggled she asked me about the hospital where I got to hold her the very first time.  So as best I could I described the hospital and the day she was born.  Listening to her ask questions I could literally see her little mind trying to process the things I was telling her.  She has asked me before about Braxton and Jean Paul’s special day too, but tonight she wanted to know all about hers.  As we talked and giggled about her first bath, her first time getting her hair combed and even her first toot as she put it nicely lol... I heard her ask “Did you leave me there?” 

 At first i was a little puzzled and asked her “Leave you where baby?”  

“At the hospital with Jesus?”

I was glad she couldn’t see my face in the dark or by the way she was laying because I know I looked confused??????

“Leighton; Mommy and Daddy brought you home from the hospital remember the pictures we have where we were so happy?”

“Yes and the blue blanket from Bubba was on me too!”

She was right too we had a special blue blanket from Bubba for her draped over her car seat in all her coming home pictures.  

“But why did you leave Bubba there?”

And that’s when it hit me she has questioned Braxton only being in pictures at the hospital but now I think she was putting it together that we never got to bring him home at all.  My heart sank because the last thing I wanted her was to be sad or to ever think he was left all alone at the hospital.  

Softly I told her “Baby Bubba did get to leave the hospital: he got to go to heaven!  Mommy would never leave him unless I knew he was safe.”

As I felt myself starting to tear up I tried my hardest to fight the urge of losing it in front of her.  And that’s when her tiny hand grabbed mine in the dark and said.....

“When you left you went with Daddy and Bubba went with Jesus like this!”

And that’s when I felt a squeeze from her little hand.  “Jesus held his hand like me and you when we are by the cars and shopping!  He held it tight like you do so he wouldn’t get hurt.”

Well no holding back tears now for sure.  As I laid there with her still holding my hand I let the tears roll down my face freely.  I couldn’t help but smile in the dark because my 4 year old had just described to me in her own way that Bubba was safe when he left the hospital because she knew Jesus held his hand.  He held his hand the same way I hold hers... in a way that she feels protected!  I do not know if you can question something like that from a child’s mouth!  I will have that vision of him from now on etched in my mind!  My sweet boy reaching for Jesus’s hand as they walked to the safety of Heaven protected in the arms of our Lord!!!

  If that is not a perfect image I don’t know what is!!!

You Would Hear

After a perfect day honoring my baby boy I can’t even gather the words to say how moved I am!!!  I heard this song three different times today and it truly spoke to me each time.  I was of course crying as I sung the words in my car.  I love you Braxton and your story is my story and I will never stop sharing it!!!

If I told you my story
You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
And if I told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life overcome the grave

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long

For the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long

Sweet Sweet Boy

As I lay down tonight I can’t help but see his sweet face.  Oh how I wish I could touch his soft skin one more time.  I pray with all my heart tonight that he is proud of me.  I try so hard to keep it all together, but I know he sees the truth.  I know he sees how hard it still is for me.  I just hope that even though he sees the real me that he is still proud.  Proud of his Mommy.  Tomorrow may seem like a small fundraiser compared to others, but to me it is huge.  The love that is surrounding me and my family during this time is incomparable.  And the families we get to help with the money we raise in Braxton’s memory means so much to us!  So please Braxton be with Mommy tomorrow and watch over everyone involved in your day!  And even though Mommy usually keeps the tears inside the whole fundraiser you know she cries the whole way home because that’s when it hits her... when it’s all over the emotions come out!  I can’t wait to see how Braxton Helps impacts others tomorrow... my sweet boy you are still changing lives even 6 years later!!!!!!

Braxton Helps Weekend Is Here

Our favorite time of year is here!!!!

Braxton Helps Fundraiser Time!

I have had some amazing little helpers all week long passing out flyers for Braxton Helps!!

Hope our sweet boy is smiling down proud this weekend!

Cutest Characters I Ever Did See

I don’t know how I ended up this lucky!!!!  Pepa and Minion are all mine and I will never take that for granted!  Can’t wait to spend this weekend with them honoring Braxton as a family!!!!

A Man Of Little Words

Yes it’s true my husband is a man of little words... sometimes a man of barely any words lol!  But I have always said when he does say something it is very thought out and worth hearing!  And tonight he proved that once again.  I have felt that no one has understood me most of my life and still today at 37 years old there are many days I feel very alone in this world.  A lot of it is stress I put on myself, some of it is related to actual things I have been through and most of it is my need to please others constantly.  The last few weeks have been extremely rough on me if I am being truly honest.  I have let fear and anxiety take over completely and in turn I have taken it out on the ones I love most... my family.  I woke up this morning with a tugging on my heart to regroup.  I instantly turned to my faith as I have so many times before.  I read, listened and breathed the scripture today and I want to continue doing that daily.  It is the only thing that has ever eased my anxiety and the only way I know to relax a little bit.  So tonight as I went to wash my face because my red, burning and raw skin around my eyes from crying could not take it anymore I walked up to this!!!! And as I read the page long hand written note I began to cry again.  My heart needed the words that were written more than I even knew it needed them.  Nothing else needed to be said as I walked back into the living room to hug him.  The note said it all and my hug thanked him silently!  And yes the words he wrote should be  things I should know without them having to be said; but it sure does feel good to read them!!

“Hers is an

old fashioned heart

that holds 

timeless love.

She’s a three page

love letter

in a world of 

relationship status updates.”

But They...

MY ARMS MAY APPEAR LIKE YOURS BUT THEY:
     - hurt from being empty
     - hurt from the weight of pushing myself out of bed this morning

MY EYES MAY APPEAR LIKE YOURS BUT THEY:
     - are tired from anxiously scanning every setting for possible triggers
     - are tired from constantly refocusing my attention between daydreams of what could of been and
       flashbacks of what did really happen

MY HANDS MAY APPEAR LIKE YOURS BUT THEY:
     - ache for the chance to tie his shoes, touch his hair and hold his tiny hand again
     - ache from always trying to grasp what isn’t there

MY LIPS MAY APPEAR LIKE YOURS BUT THEY:
     - are quivering as I hold back the many things I want you to know but I am too tired to explain
     - are quivering as I force a smile to hide behind
   
MY EARS MAY APPEAR LIKE YOURS  BUT THEY:
     - hear the silence in your pauses as you try and find the words to say to me
     - hear the love in your voice too, even though your words may not be perfect
   
MY FEET MAY APPEAR LIKE YOURS BUT THEY:
     - are sore from a never ending walk of grief
     - are sore from trying to run back in time to be forced to live where his footsteps can not follow

MY HEART YOU MAY ASK IF ITS LIKE YOURS?????
     - it has been shattered
     - it has been ripped apart
     - it has almost let loss destroy it past the point of repair
     - it has been cracked on the surface
     - it has been pierced with pain
     - it has also been made whole and put back together piece by piece with the love and support of
       others
     - it has been restored and is filled with hope and strength to support this body through one more
       day