Heavens Address

The scariest thing I think I have learned about grief is how it can sneak up out of no where at anytime.  It’s almost as if it silently waits till it sees you smiling finally or enjoying yourself and then BAM it blindsides you.  It can hit you so hard that you truly begin to question if you should be allowed to enjoy yourself.  From the start of my blog I have always vowed to try and be honest in order to help others.  The honest truth is last night was a hard night for me.  It was a night that left me curled up sobbing as I rocked back and forth aching from the inside out.  If I could of removed my heart from my chest last night I would of.  Just to catch my breath and be pain free for a moment I would of done it.  As I woke this morning my eyes swollen and feeling bruised I couldn’t seem to get myself moving.  I wasn’t hurting from grief anymore but it felt almost like I had a hangover from the pain I felt the night before.  Somehow my children seemed to sense I was unable to get out of bed.  One by one they took turns climbing into bed to snuggle me and both of them actually fell back to sleep with me too.  That is something that never happens.  But as they each took their turn nurturing me they made their way out to the living room and played quietly while Brent laid next to me and tried to coach me to get up and start the day.  I finally made my way out into the living room where I was greeted with the warmest smiles and hugs.  We climbed into the car and headed to the cemetery.  The rain kept us in the car but just being there and hearing Leighton and Jean Paul giggle as they waved out the window through the raindrops made me happy.  After we got home Leighton was anxious to make her Halloween cards with the googly eyes and glue we had purchased during the week.  I made her and Jean Paul 4 cards each to decorate and sat down next to them to help when they needed.  Jean Paul was over it within 10 minutes but Leighton spent over an hour decorating and making sure I told her how to spell everyone’s names on the cards.  With one card left I said ok who is the last one for ?  She looked at me and smiled as she said “Bubba!”  Oh that is perfect I told her as I caught myself smiling just as much as her.  Perfect idea I said as I explained that we could go back tomorrow and deliver it to the cemetery too.

“Can you just get Heavens address Mommy so I can mail it to Bubba?”

Without having enough time to think of a response I heard myself saying.

“I sure can baby!”

She quickly took out more markers and wrote her name in the return address spot just like I had explained to her a few weeks ago.  And then she sat there ready and waiting as she looked at me and said,

“How do you spell Heaven?”

I may of cried myself to sleep last night but I found my smile many times today. 

Oh how I wish we truly could mail letters to Heaven, but for now I have a 4 year old little girl who truly believes she can.  I will do my part to make her wish come true!

  It was all I needed today to make me feel 

I am doing ok,

and

 I am going to be ok!

One day at a time!

All Is Right In That Moment

There are still days that I question everything. 

 The sadness, anxiousness and heartache can drown me so fast.

  But lately those days end up with moments like this one in the picture.  

Moments where all my questions disappear because in them I see him, 

I feel him 

and I even get to know him.  

And because of them, 

in that moment all is right in my world.

We are perfect...

Even with our imperfections!!!

New Family Outings

Mommy has started working the night shift y’all!  I truly understand now what my Mom and Dad meant when they would say “One day you will see that you do what you have to for your family!”  I never dreamed that I would work this schedule, but here I am at 37 with 2 toddlers at home and I’m  working the 5 PM - 5 AM shift.  Please don’t even feel sorry for me though because I am still thanking God for all the unanswered prayers these last few months.  I truly thought I was done and I was more than worried and anxious worrying what was next for me.  I prayed nightly to be able to keep my job even though I felt unappreciated and unhappy.  Some of my coworkers literally were my oxygen keeping me sane the last few years with their friendship and help.  Little did I know God would push me into a place to work and provide for my family; all while being surrounded with amazing new coworkers and friends.  So I may not be where I imagined I would be 15 years ago, but I am proud and happy to be where I am in this new chapter that I embarking on!  So with new schedules comes new ways to spend time together as a family before work sometimes.  Tonight we got to do homework at Agave with chips and dip and lots of giggles!!!!!  Oh and we are also finally stepping into the phase where Brent and I can enjoy eating out with our kids.  They are really learning how to behave and be respectful in public... FINALLY LOL.  Although Daddy decided to knock over his whole Diet Coke that fell right onto Jean Paul as he squealed at the top of the lungs before he burst out in tears because it was so cold!  So yes now are kids are acting right but Mom and Dad are causing a scene lol!!!

Work Hard For Your Money

Our first Book Fair experience was a success... thanks to Maw Maw lol!!!  Sounds like it should be simple, just an elementary book fair right????  Sure it is until you throw in about 300 other kids running around trying to persuade their parents to buy them tons of books!  And we can’t forget the help of the teachers who so graciously let the kids make a list of 5 books they really wanted, but then leave it up to us parents to break the kids little hearts when we tell them 5 books is really to many lol.  Anyway it turned out to be lots of fun and a great fundraiser for our school!  So cheers to Maw Maw for agreeing to tag along so we could each take one child to chase after.   The cutest thing was seeing Leighton and all her little friends running and hugging each other when they noticed another one had arrived.  It also was a great way to get both of my kids to help out around the house this past week.  We let each of them decorate an envelope and challenged ( or bribed whichever way you want to see it ) them to do good, help or not whine and then they could earn a dollar to add to their book fair stash!  Now you must know they both earned quite a few dollars, but they also had some taken out of the envelope too!  Jean Paul had to give back a little more than Leighton but who is keeping track right lol!!!  Anyway I think it actually was a great way to give them a goal to reach for because they sure were proud to walk into the library today with their envelopes of hard earned money!!!  Leighton found a way to jump start her cash though... she’s no dummy lol.  She went straight to the source; her Great grandfather Paw Paw Grape!!!  I on the other hand was always afraid to call and ask him for money when I wanted something, but this girl learned quick that he loves to spoil his grandkids!!!!  And like he said “You never know till you ask!”  And once she asked and he agreed to help her fill her envelope with some money she got busy making another list of books; and a thank you note of course!

Sick Baby Girl

Last night right after midnight I heard little feet dragging across the floor and when I finally saw Leighton standing in the door way my heart hurt for her as she stood there crying saying “Mommy my tummy hurts so bad.”  Earlier that evening we had let the kids have a movie night on the air mattress in the den with us so since it was still up I told her she could lay with me and snuggle till she fell back asleep.  Well sadly she couldn’t get comfortable enough to ever fall back asleep.  About 30 minutes later I told her to wait there while Mommy went into the bathroom to find the heating pad for her to use.  As I came back into the living room with the heating pad once again I found my little girl standing there crying.  “I’m so sorry Mommy it is just a little bit I tried to stop it.”  Poor baby had thrown up a lot, it was down her pajama arm and even in her hair.  As I stripped her I told her it was ok that it happens and that’s probably why her stomach hurt so bad.  When I turned the corner I was shocked to see the whole air mattress completely covered on one side. Ok operation clean up go time.  I stripped the bed and wiped it down with cleaner and threw everything including her pajamas into the wash.  I got her into my bathroom with the heater on and told her to stay there while I mopped the floor real quick.  I had to have her shower because I couldn’t imagine her sitting in that dirty tub water and I didn’t want her to use her bathtub because it is back to back with Jean Paul’s wall and the last thing we needed was him joining this party lol.  When I got her into the shower she just kept apologizing and telling me it wasn’t me it was the throw up that did it.  Broke my heart because she was so worried about me being upset she wasn’t even hearing me tell her it was ok.  So of course I had to snuggle with her all night and keep her home for more rest and snuggles.  As of today she was back to her normal self.  There is something weird about loving them needing you when they are sick but at the same time hating when they are sick!!!!  But I will take her snuggles anytime and she can always count on me when she wants them too!!!!

Rainy Sunday

Well me and the kids took Pajama Day to a whole new level today lol.  We stayed in our pj’s all day long and only took them off to bathe and put fresh ones on!!!  With the rain on and off we decided it was best just to enjoy a lazy day together.  We played board games, did puzzles, made arts and crafts, enjoyed play-do time inside, managed to clean a little, laughed at Jean Paul pretending to be a robot most of the day, ate pretend food they cooked me up in the play kitchen, took naps and then enjoyed pizza night with daddy when he got home!!!!  Nothing was done today unless the wanted to do it... and I must say it was a great day!!

Southern Saturdays

Rain or shine my little Cajuns love our Southern Saturday traditions!!!!!

Perfect Afternoon

Nothing beats an afternoon with your Maw Maw & Pepa!  Working late hours may be hard on us but these babies are taking full advantage of some of the perks... such as more time with Maw Maw & Pepa lol!!!!  As long as their happy I’m happy. It warms my heart to see them adore their grandparents as much as I always have!  Time is precious; believe me I know that all to well, so I’m going to agree to be over tired for years just to spend time with my family!!!!

Hugs Help

Just when you start to doubt yourself the smallest things can recharge you!  Leighton Rose I do not know what I did to deserve you, but your kind heart makes me so proud to be your Mommy.  With so much change going on lately I am truly in awe at how my kids are the ones that keep me going.  Tonight as I was on my hands and knees searching for an earring I dropped I heard myself start to get agitated.  My frustration wasn’t just because of the earring it is probably a build up of stress and feeling helpless to so many things that are truly out of my control.  Leighton popped into the room and said “Mommy don’t you worry I will help you find that in the morning.  Right now you need a hug to make it better!”  She was so right.  Crazy how a 4 year olds hug can put things into perspective.

  I may not be enough for everyone else, but to her I am more than enough!!!! 

 Made me ask myself...

Why do I constantly fight for approval from others when the little ones right in front of me approve of me just the way I am!!!!

There You Are

Dance, Dance, Dance

This girl here is something else!  All day everyday she will dance if you let her.  She tells me she practices so she can be better and better and one day do her own stuff in the big stage lol.  Leighton has only had one Dance Revue in the books and this chick is ready for a solo.  She was crying this weekend because no one let her pick what “sassy moves” she wanted to do on stage.  Ummmmmmm she has a hard lesson coming if she thinks a solo is any time soon lol.  I honestly am super impressed with her freestyle dancing and the way she dances with the music.  She has no desire to be in any other activities which I will make her try, but right now she fights me word for word every time stressing “I JUST WANT TO DANCE!” Lol!!!!!!  And to top it all off she informed me today with some pretty funny info!

Me:  Leighton when do you practice all these amazing dances you show me every night?

Leighton:  Mom I already told you.

Me:  Oh I must of forgot already.  Tell me again.

Leighton:  I told you I lay under the tree or on the concrete ( or concreek as she calls it ) at 3rd recess.

Me:  Um yes you did but that is not practicing if you are laying down lol???

Leighton:  Yes it is!  I lay down in the shade and think dance, dance, dance inside my cute little head cause it is just toooooo hot to play!

Ohhhhhhhhhh wow ok so how do I hide the tears when I’m dying laughing so hard I can barely breathe.  She has been telling me how hot the last recess is but if she is practicing dancing without even moving....  I can’t even handle it y’all I’m dying laughing again just thinking of her telling me this!!!!  But I will say she may be on to something because she is pretty darn good for mind practicing!!!!

How Is Potty Training Going You Ask????

Literally this picture sums it up beautifully!  I was beyond proud of my recent Paw Patrol Potty Seat purchase this week and could not wait to give it to Jean Paul.  Yes selfishly I was more excited because I thought it would work to my benefit in this potty training war he and I are in lately.  This kid will actually walk into the bathroom and flush the toilet and look at me with his hands up and say “Oh nope, no candy today Jean Paul!”  Which in toddler terms means you lose Mom cause I would rather not even try and forfeit the candy you sonsaybwill give me if I sit on that thing.  So I guess I got what deserved when this was his reaction to his new seat!!!!!  Yep it even included a happy dance in circles all the while it was around his neck.  He thought he was so cute spinning and laughing with his seat on like a Mardi Gras bead!  Well he wasn’t laughing when we had to get that thing off!!!!  I wanted to cry with him cause his ears just would not let him remove it poor thing.  So now I can guarantee he will be scared to even sit on it lol.  So we will have to see what happens next!!!!!

They Are

Grief can make you question so many things.  It can literally consume your thoughts with what if’s and why me’s.  I will be the first to admit the nighttime scares me... it is my worst enemy.  For some reason I struggle with the quietness and allow my mind to out-speak my faith sometimes.

  NOT TONIGHT GRIEF!!!

Seeing these faces as I lay awake in tears stops me in my tracks.

They are my what if’s and why me’s!!!

They are the reason I made it through another day even when I felt like I was defeated;

and they are how I will survive tomorrow!!!!!

Sometimes You Just Have To Look Up

You have to be willing

 to endure the storm 

to enjoy and appreciate the 

RAINBOW 

that follows!

Oh what a beautiful rainbow you sent us today Braxton!!

Let’s Try This Again

Well for June’s Dancer today was the first day of dancing!  But for us over achieving Bergeron’s it was the second day lol!!!!  Yes today Leighton finally got to actually enter the dance studio due to the fact that it was unlocked this time.  She of course was super excited the whole way there and even walking in, but then she got a little timid and didn’t want Maw Maw to leave.  Within no time she had Maw Maw convinced to stay in the lobby with Mrs June and wait lol!!!!  Of course she ended up having a blast and is ready to conquer dance year #2!  But she did have to remind me of the big mistake I made last week when I thought dancing started; because when I called to see if they were on their way she said “ Yep Mommy we are here and this time they have other cars not just Maw Maw’s!”  I wonder how many years she is going to hold this one against me lol!

A Mother’s Cry

As I reflect on this past weekend at our Hope & Healing Retreat I find tears rolling down my face again.  The time we spent alone with other families like us is irreplaceable.  The moment we got there we were welcomed with hugs from some we knew and other new friends in this horrible club that no one wants to ever be in... The Grieving Mother’s and Father’s Club.  Although our stories are all different they still are all very similar too.  We discussed some of the raw details of our journey, things that trigger us, the negative way our minds haunt us daily, the guilt, fear and emptiness we have, we asked the why me’s and the what if’s, learned it is ok to say no to things we are unable to give our energy to, ways to allow others in and most importantly was to listen without feeling the need to still try and fix what has happened to us.  And by the end of the weekend we all took away ways to turn our babies lives into true love stories instead of ones ending in tragic loss.  I can’t stop thinking of how I sat there and heard some of the same exact things from others that I struggle with.  And then in the same moment I ached seeing others in the true raw phase of their journey where we were a few years ago struggling to get through the days filled with crippling grief.  I remember those days all to well.  Brent and I shared that after 6 years we have learned the gaps between the days we are unable to function due to heartache still attack us; yet they attack us with more space between each one.  And although sometimes it may appear that after 6 years we have this grief thing figured out, we truly don’t.  Because some days it feels more like I’m drowning than actually moving forward... and that’s ok to have those days.  There were many moments of clarity, moments of feeling valued, moments of admitting I am worthy of love and happiness, moments of self pity followed by extreme moments of gratefulness and peace!  But the moment that grabbed me the most was something that happened near the end of our retreat.  As we wrote a letter of appreciation to our ourselves followed by a letter to someone who has helped us I heard a loud cry.  A cry that makes your heart break instantly.  It was a Mother’s gut wrenching cry that I know all to well.  It is a cry you never want to witness.  As I sat there sobbing I could see the flashback of Braxton’s last breath being taken 6 years ago.  It was as if I was outside of my body once again watching someone else lying in that hospital bed cradling her sweet baby boy sobbing that cry that only a grieving Mother knows.  The one that has you unable to move, to comprehend and mostly unable to let your baby be taken from your arms.  I was brought back to a place of more than heartache it was a place of complete brokenness, but sadly it’s a place no Mother Of Loss is ever able to escape.  

This cry was coming today from someone I considered a friend the moment I met her just two days before.  

She was the first person I sat with for dinner that night, because she is someone I was drawn too.

She is someone I admire more than I think she will ever understand.

She is someone that deserves all the happiness in the world.

She is someone that is a Mother to earthly blessings and a Mother to a sweet boy in heaven, but stuck trying to figure out how to be happy and sad at the same time like me.

I pray she knows she is someone special to me!

As I lay here thinking of each and every person I was honored to be with this weekend I am feeling beyond blessed.  These people are Brent and I’s army.  Our army who gets it and the same ones who we can count on when we need to scream, cry, laugh and talk comfortably about our journey.  I vowed to myself this weekend that my form of self care will be to allow myself to be with these amazing people  more.  It is something I always enjoy; yet I push away at the same time because I somehow think others view me as weak when I admit I need them.  Braxton knew I needed this getaway and I can not wait for the next one.  Think about it what Mom do you know that doesn’t like to brag about their child?  Our children may be angels but we like to brag and talk about them too.  And if I may tell the truth for a second...

It felt damn good to say Braxton’s name all weekend long as much as it felt good to hear the names of the sweet babies up there with him till I get there one day!

Healing & Hope Retreat

Blogging a little early tonight to ask a favor!  It would mean so much to me if you could please keep Brent and I; along with the other Angel parents here, in your thoughts and prayers this weekend.  We are beyond blessed to be attending a Healing & Hope Retreat with our amazing support group Maddie’s Footprints.  We will be guided by April Boyd, a professional therapist and founder of The Love & Loss Project.  She has helped multiple families across the globe through specialized  healing, specifically focused on infant  and child loss.  Sadly she knows the process all too well, her daughter Nora gained her angel wings as a newborn.  I’m excited, nervous and a little scared of the emotions that may arise this weekend, but I also know it is needed.  I’m hoping to reconnect with Brent and be able to explain to him how hard my grief journey still is even after 6 years.  I also am looking forward to being surrounded/supported by other families who truly understand the pain in my heart.  So until Sunday friends please send us good vibes.  We couldn’t head out on the 2 hour drive for the retreat without a visit to our sweet boy.  Then it rained the entire way here; literally we had emergency flashers on, until the moment we parked at the camp ground... the sun beamed through the clouds as of all the angel babies were rejoicing in what was going to take place here this weekend!

Religion 101 While Potty Training

So when others have told me boys are way harder to potty train than girls I really didn’t believe them.  Welllllllllllllll I do now.  This little hard headed boy has no desire, want or slight interest in potty training.  No bribe, treat or toy will even persuade him to even try it lol.  Sunday we set the timer all day and wore big boy undies too.  

The outcome was:

8 pairs of undies = 8 accidents 

Timer every 17 minutes = 0 drops of pee pee in my toilet (but multiple puddles all over my house lol)

Extended time in the bathroom = Multiple lectures and stories from Leighton on how to potty

As Leighton tried turning on the water to help him have the urge to go, read him stories while he sat, sang Old McDonald a hundred times and even a few life lessons mixed in there I heard her tell him this...

“Jean Paul did you know at big girl school I leaned about God and Mrs Abshire teaches me lots of stuff?  Well she said that you can pray to God anywhere you want to because he is everywhere.  Yep it’s true so you can pray on the potty to God if you want him to help you buddy!!!”

Of course I was laughing when I heard this, but she has been so focused on learning you can pray anywhere.  The first day she told me this she was so excited to tell me she prayed on the toilet to see if Mrs Abshire was right about being able to pray anywhere.  And when I asked her if she was right she giggled and said “yep she sure is”  Inside I was thinking well in our house the bathroom is the place where you can probably get the most quite time to pray lol!!!!  Oh the way kids interpret things!!!!

Bubba We Miss You

Sometimes snuggling up and looking at pictures of Bubba are just what we all need.  It never ceases to amaze me how much they want to know their sweet brother in heaven.  I will never hide his existence from them.  The unique bond they have with him makes the pain a lot easier most days!!

When we want to smile,

we know exactly what to do.

We just close our eyes 

and we think of you!

Mommy Award Goes To... Not Me Today LOL

So today was a big day for Leighton Rose!  Today was the today she was testing Mommy on trying to make drop off go the same exact way Daddy does it and her first day of dancing this season! 

 Literally she has been prepping me all weekend telling me how Daddy does drop off to the tee. 

1) He gets to school when there are only a few cars in line.

(Meaning: He is there early lol... not late!)

2) He arrives at school when it is closed which she says means she gets to climb in the front seat.

(Meaning: He gets there early lol!)

3) He puts a towel in the middle to make a table for her to eat her breakfast while they wait for school to open.  He brings her a juice, a plate and a napkin.

(Meaning: He spoils her and a poptart out the wrapper in her car seat isn’t going to cut it!)

4) He gives her her booksack after they make the big turn to get in the actual drop off line.

(Meaning: She expects the timing to be right like his!)

5) He says have a good day and give me a kiss before they open the door to help her out.

(Meaning: She doesn’t want to be bothered when it’s time to get out... she has to get to the playground lol!)

And I’m happy to report I passed the test!  She did tell me we could still play the Good Morning song by Mandesa that we sing and dance to every morning.

(Meaning: I am at least doing something right with my drop off routine that brings her a smile in the morning.  And I expect Daddy to master the dance moves and energy I put into that song next time he does drop off lol!)

The second thing that was a big deal today was dancing!!!!  This girl dances everyday and wants to practice nonstop.  She has been even sleeping in her leotards lately because she wants to wear one every second she can.  I’m pretty sure she has asked almost every day since her Dance Revue when it was time to go back.  So of course since I knew she was excited to start I was excited.  So we have been counting down for weeks.  I woke her up saying, “It’s dancing day!!!!!!!”  She popped out of bed so excited to start the day because she knew after school she got to go to dancing class!

Welllllllll you see what happened next was???????

Yeah the parking lot was completely empty.

The door was locked.

And a sign on the door basically confirmed it doesn’t start till next week!!!!!!!!!

This Mom is tired y’all, but I still usually manage to keep us somewhat organized.  And by that I mean/admit we may be really tired but on the outside we look prepared because Mommy stayed up past midnight to make sure everything was perfect and ready to go lol!  Well I must say I forfeit this time, I didn’t win this round lol.  Luckily Maw Maw and Pepa treated her to dinner to help ease the tears and let down Mommy had caused.  Secretly I know my mom was laughing so hard inside because she knows each day I am slowly becoming more and more like her lol!!!

So the count down has begun again...

7 days till dancing starts lol!!!!

It’s Our Favorite Season Of The Year

These Cajun cuties couldn’t wait for b-ball season to get here!!!  They love being out there tailgating and cheering on the cajuns.  Leighton even taught Jean Paul to cheer... Ragin Cajuns Go UL!!!!  We almost had to stay home because of the rain but thankfully it held of enough for us to get out there because Leighton was not prepared to miss it lol.  She has it in her blood the most, but in her defense she has been there since she was born!  I love being able to spend time with my family for UL events!  So here’s to kicking off another amazing season with my Cajun family!!!!!

Mommy Time

After a busy family weekend I can’t think of a better way to spend my night... snuggled up with these two for a movie and slumber party night in Mommy’s bed!!!!  Daddy is away for the night so spoiled rotten is what is happening over here lol.  It is exactly what I needed for my soul to recharge!  Even when they push me to my crazy limit I still love them more than I did the day before, and even when I think I need a Mommy break I can’t seem to make myself take one.  All because I love being with them.  They are growing so fast and it seems like each stage gets better and better.  I miss them being tiny babies but I am enjoying every stage of watching them grow.  And right now slumber parties and time with Mommy is super cool and tons of fun to them so I am going to soak it all up!!!