Only An Aunt

Only an Aunt

Can give hugs like a Mother

Can keep secrets like a Sister

And can share love like a Friend

Staycations Are The Best

I am the first to admit I am a Daddy's girl and my Mom is my best friend.  So with that being said any chance I get I love to be at their house.  This weekend Brent wanted to fish away so of course I said Yes and loaded the bags and headed to Maw Maw & Pepa's.  We had no plans and didn't do much, but we were together.  And even if it is only 20 minutes away and we stayed in our PJ's most of the weekend it was what we needed.  Being able to have special time with my kids and my parents means so much to me.  And yes they help out ALL the time and even babysit more than most, but sometimes I want to be there too!  Maw Maw & Pepa have never told us we couldn't stay and most of the time we all want to be there anyway lol!!  You see sometimes no plans are the best plans!  And as much as we are always on the go, sometimes Staycations are the best Vacations!!

One Step At A Time

Today was a day I have been dreaming of for a very long time!  My daughter got to go to a dance camp!  She loves to dance around the house and has been waiting all summer for today!  I literally danced all of my life and even taught for years because I just couldn't walk away!  So being able to dress my own little girl in a pink leotard with a pretty bun and huge pink bow brought the biggest smile to my face!  Like I said Leighton dances all over the house and makes us sit down to watch her constantly, but being in a room with tons of other people stopped her in her tracks.  She is more like her Daddy in the social department.  Extremely shy!!!  As I sat there trying to coax her to join the other little girls I had to remind myself that she is not me, she is her own person.  The inner me wanted to push her in the middle of the room and scream dance girl dance!  But I had to allow her to take her time and sit and watch to warm up.  And then when she finally allowed me to at least sit in the back with the other moms it crushed me to watch her just sit there alone.  I don't want her to miss out but I also don't want her to be so uncomfortable she doesn't enjoy things.  You see it's harder for me because I truly don't understand it at all.  I do not see how anyone would just want to observe and not jump into things.  But that doesn't mean I'm right and their wrong, it just means I have to step back.  I have to allow her to move at her own pace and support her.  And as bad as I can just taste dance review time I have to be ready for her to do what she is ready to do!!!!  So this is a huge learning curve for me.  And in reality the more I force her I think the more she will push away from things.  So while sitting in the back today every time she looked back at me I gave her a thumbs up to encourage her, even when she hadn't done a single dance move.  And when she would walk over to me in between activities I would tell her how proud I was of her.  I wasn't lying either, I am proud of her for not crying and not refusing to be there.  Just walking in was a huge step.  And towards the end of the class she was slowly participating!  And she was beyond proud of herself!  So today my sweet little girl went to her first dance camp, she may not of been the star of the class, she may not of danced the full time, and she may not of learned every step they taught.......  But she had fun!  She talked about it the whole way home and all day and that's what matters most!!  

Built With Love

Watching Jean Paul & Leighton play with this toy makes my heart so happy!  My Great Grandfather "Paw Paw Charlie or Paw Paw Great" built this toy in his small shop years ago.  It's a simple wooden toy with marbles.  No fancy buttons, no shiny colors or music just a simple wooden toy with 5 plain marbles.  But it will keep their attention for hours!!!!  I remember when he built it, I was almost sad because I wanted more than anything to have kids to meet him before he left us.  Although, I never was able to do that I know in my heart he is with them all the time.  Especially when they are playing with this toy!!!  I was blessed to have him in my life for many many years!

  I got to: 

-share my birthdate with him

-dance with him at my wedding

-spend every single Christmas Eve with him

-watch him pressure Brent about when he was gonna propose

-listen to him speak of my Great Grandmother in a way men don't speak of wives these days

-eat his home made Italian sausage

-laugh when he couldn't hold his tongue and spoke whatever he was thinking

-watch people try to figure out what he was saying when he was mad and every other word was a curse word

-giggle at the nicknames he had for every single person in our family (which is a lot)

-hear him sing Frank Sinatra like no one else was listening

-be stunned when he would stay out dancing on New Years Eve later than me some years

-honor him by giving his name sake "Vincent" to Jean Paul as a middle name

-remember him with the millions of pictures and memories we have as a family

I love you Paw Paw Great!  I pray that you are proud of me daily!  In my dreams you and Maw Maw Musso are dancing on the clouds in heaven with Braxton in your arms. 

Love,

Lil Wong

Hold Me Mommy

And then there are some nights where you just need to sit in the car while your Mommy holds you.  I'll never not hold you Leighton Rose even when I am pushed to the limit and we both need a time out to regroup.  I will always hold you baby girl!  Taking a step away to take some deep breaths and calm down.  I want to cry with her because I don't know if I'm doing what's right most of the time, but when she just wants me then I know in my heart I'm doing something right.... Even if it's just holding her.

We Survived 9 Years

And yes I titled that correctly...... WE SURVIVED 9 YEARS!!!

Looking back over the past 9 years of marriage I can't lie I am shocked we are still here together.  

We have had lots of :

ups and downs, 

good and bad, 

happy and sad,

joy and heartache,

and nice and down right mean moments.

We have both seen each other at our worst and at our best.  There were times I didn't know why we kept on trying, but in the end the thing that tears most couples apart "tragedy/loss" is what made us stronger than ever before.  That is why I truly believe with all my heart Braxton was more than just our first born son, he was and still is what saved us!  The following poems were read at our wedding and the words are hanging in our living room as a constant reminder.  Nine years ago I thought I knew exactly what my life would be and how it would play out.  Oh how I was wrong!  Reading these words today I am blown away by how much that truly apply to us as a couple. 
Happy Anniversary Brent!

(And on a little side note: Happy Anniversary to my Mom & Dad today too!!)

My Husband’s Hands

These are the hands young and strong and vibrant with love,

that held yours at your Wedding Mass

as he promised to love you all the days of his life.

These are the hands that, God willing, you will place with expectant joy

beneath your heart one day until he, too,

feels his child stir within your womb.

These are the hands that look so large and clumsy now,

yet will be so gentle when he holds your baby for the first time.

These are the hands that will get nicked and bruised

from fixing things around the house to make you more comfortable.

These are the hands that will caress you lovingly throughout the years.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe tears from your eyes,

tears of sorrow and tears of joy.

These are the hands that will comfort you in illness

And hold you when fear or grief racks you mind.

These are the hands that will tenderly lift your chin and brush your cheek,

as they raise your face to look into his eyes,

eyes that will be filled completely with

his overwhelming love and desire for you.

My Wife’s Hands

These are the hands that held you today as she gave you her pledge

to love you, and accepted your ring at your Wedding Mass.

These are the hands that are smooth and young and carefree now,

but will become lined and rougher in the years ahead, from thousands of

dishes washed, tons of laundry cleaned, and hundreds of meals prepared.

These are the hands that, God willing, will hold you in joy and excitement,

each time she says you are to have another child,

that together you have created a new life.
These are the hands that will hold each child in tender love, soothing them
through illness, disciplining them, diapering them, baking for them, praying

for them, and wringing themselves in worry when trouble comes.

Perhaps these are the hands that will comfort you when you are told you

cannot have a child and will convince you

that together you can create new life in other ways.

These are the hands that through the years will caress you.

These are the hands that will tenderly hold your face and wipe tears

from your eyes, in wonder and awe that you would cry for her.

They Whine - I Wine

Once again reality slaps me in the face lol!  Each day I wake up with super mom plans, but by the end of the day I'm usually laughing at myself to keep from crying at how far off my plan I am!  You see I'm one of those ........ Type A, perfectionist, OCD, over achiever, over reacting, big planning girls!!!!  Sounds organized doesn't it?  Well WRONG.  I never seem to get a single thing accomplished!  I always have huge plans, big plans but get side tracked way to easily (thanks mom for passing that down to me)!  These failures can range from small to monumental lol!  Although, in my mind they are always monumental (that's the over reacting part of me that shines through.).  Imagine a 36 year old falling out on the floor in a full fledged temper tantrum, yep I am pretty sure that is what my husband sees when I let myself down.  There have been days he actually calmly and in a very monotoned voice asks me " So did you honestly believe you were going to accomplish blah blah???"  And when I look him in the face flabbergasted that he doesn't have faith in me he says "UMMMMMMM that's pretty unrealistic.  You do see that right?"  Then the dumb realization comes over me that he is right.  But in my head the agenda I had to accomplish that day was very realistic.  And I do this over and over and over again and I constantly let myself down over and over and over again.  And like I said in the beginning I end up having to laugh to keep from crying because if I start crying watch out.  That is a whole new level of crazy that Brent has to deal with lol.  If you only knew what a huge step this was in my even admitting this lmao!!!!!

So I would describe yesterday as a minor failure in my planning/accomplishing performance.  Well the planning was spot on because I can tell myself all day long I will get it done, but the accomplishing part is where I fall short.  So I had a short work schedule Monday, which meant it was my only day that I would even remotely be able to get any grocery shopping done for the week.  Of course I bargained in my head back and forth all morning whether I seriously needed to go or if we could survive on what we had in the house.  Once I took a look at what I could maybe scrounge up for dinner I realized there was no way we could survive all week on just that.  And with Brent not getting home till around 9 or later every night I couldn't ask him to get what we needed.  So I decided to go after work, but right before I had to get the kids at 5:30 PM.  That very graciously gave me 35 minutes total to get the groceries and have them loaded in my car pulling out and headed to daycare ( insert eye roll here).  Doable right???

  Right?  

So the staples for the week were gonna be:

Stuff to make tacos

Onion & Bell Pepper to saute with the sirloin tips we have here

Stuff for quick spaghetti

Meat to add to the box of Hamburger Helper we have already

Milk

Some Fruit

Lunch Meat

WINE WINE WINE

Nothing to crazy huh?  Easy enough huh?  So I get in my car with 3 minutes to spare and I feel accomplished.  Like I'm super woman actually, a sweaty super woman but I'll take what I can get.  Get home with the kids and unpack and guess who forgot the taco seasoning?  This girl did!  So that would typically sound like no big deal, butttttttttt to an OCD, over achiever, over reacting ...........etc etc etc this is a huge deal like life altering.  You see the tacos were for that night, Monday night.  That was the plan.  That was what I had laid out in my wonderful plan..... in my head.  I never tattooed them on my arm but you might as well of thought I did.  So guess what the night is ruined, my kids will be over weight and unhealthy because I will feed them junk tonight instead of tacos.  And it is all my fault.  Their lives are ruined.  So back up plan I start tossing stuff out of the the fridge:  few day old jambalaya, left over pizza and frozen meatballs and of course some of the fruit I bought just now.  Uggggghhhhh poor kids should be eating tacos.  So maybe you are giggling and a day later I am too.  But I can not explain how truly hard I was on myself.  So 9:00 PM Brent is headed home and asks if I need anything and what's for dinner.  I am pretty sure he now just lays the phone on his center console in his truck because of the wailing that comes over the phone.  

"I'm sorry I forgot the taco seasoning

yes I am the worst mom and wife ever.

SILENCE (because he is probably thinking crazy woman seriously)

"And no I know you did not say that but I know you are thinking it.  I can't do anything right.  But I am doing the best that I can."

And the rest of the night pretty much followed with whining from the whole crew.  Leighton whined mostly because she could not remember the correct lyrics to Moana.  And Jean Paul..... well right now Jean Paul just whines because I am pretty sure he thinks life in general after 8:30 PM is stressful.  So if you can't beat them then join them right?

They Whine - I Wine!!!!!

Oh and by the way tonight we ended up having those Tacos for dinner and their Aunt Shelley always says:

TACO TUESDAY is the best day of the week anyway!!!!!

Or as I see it:

Mom Messed Up Mexican Monday so now it is Taco Tuesday!!!

Parking Signs 101 With Leighton

Parking Signs 101 With Leighton

Leighton -      Mommy you can only get right here if you are sitting in a rocking chair.

Me -     Ummmm no I think that's for people who need to be close to the door baby.

Leighton -     No see it is for people in rocking chairs.

Me -     It's actually for people who may need special assistance, or have a hard time walking far, or who have a wheelchair.  That kind of chair is called a wheelchair.

Leighton -     Well they better drive their rocking chair here first to get this spot 

Make New Friends But Keep The Old

So as you get to know me I am sure you will begin to see how important I consider friendship.  It is something I do not take for granted.  There are a ton of stories and reasons I could share but that would be a whole new blog lol, and a couple of bottles of wine!!!  As I look back on my life I can remember lots of special friends.  Some I met on my own and some that I will call forced (the ones you acquire because they are family or your parents bring to you through their friends).  Both types are amazing but in the end the forced ones usually can't escape lol.  I spoke yesterday of how busy our day was, but not of the amazing things I saw.  These 2 pics here speak to my heart in so many ways.

Pic on the left:

This beautiful, outgoing and not a tad bit shy little girl with Leighton is Mila.  Her mother, Heather and I are high school friends.   The stories are endless between our group of girlfriends.  There have been many adventures, tears, laughs and battles we have faced together.  And yes there are times that life gets in the way and we seem to drift for a bit, but it has never failed that we come together again.  We got together to celebrate Heather's new marriage as a group.  And while we were laughing and catching up at the kitchen table this little sweet moment happened.  It is amazing to watch all of our friends kids grow up together.  And yes this is the forced friendship I was talking about for sure, but their moms friendship wasn't so one day they will thank us for that lol.  From the outside looking in this just looks like two beautiful girls.  But what you do not know from just one glance is that these 2 beautiful little girls saved their moms more than they will ever understand.  God sent them when we needed them most.  They came to us in a time when we questioned God's love for us and he said I will prove to you your worth....and he did.  I pray these girls forever remain the light in the eyes of many because I know they are meant for great things.  For in their short time here on earth they have already restored so much faith in their Mommies!

Pic on the right:

This sassy, smart and free spirited little girl with Leighton is Calyn.  Yesterday was her birthday party.  She is the mega forced friendship because her Daddy is my cousin. LOL.  Honestly I do not think any two little girls could be more opposite, but the crazy part is they play better together than others do.  They enter there own little world after about an hour of warming up on Leighton's side every time.  Calyn is ready to go the second we meet up, but Leighton being like her Daddy has to assess the situation before she jumps in.  Now from the outside looking in with this picture you see two dang cute cousins playing RIGHT?  Well to me I see the full circle of life, because I remember how lost I felt when Calyn's parents got married.  Sadly enough their wedding was the weekend after we found out the devastating news about Braxton at our 20 week ultrasound.  I was unable to attend due to the shock and heartache I was trying to accept and understand.  I remember feeling so horrible for not attending but I just wasn't ready to face everyone and the truth just yet.  Then Milly (Calyn's Mommy) and I got pregnant at the same exact time.  Then we found out we were both having girls.  As ugly as it sounds when they got married I was not in a good place, so this picture of our girls playing together means and signifies how life goes on to me.  The world kept revolving even when I wanted it to completely stop so I could catch my breath, but God caught me back up when the time was right.  I pray these girls always understand the importance of forced family friendship and remain close no matter what!  Leighton will always need Calyn to push her to new things and I see Calyn needing Leighton to tell her to slow down at times LOL!!!!

To all friendships I pray you keep these words close to your heart!  

Make new friends,
but keep the old.

One is silver,
the other is gold.

A circle is round,it has no end.

That's how long,

I will be your friend.

A fire burns bright, it warms the heart.

We've been friends,

from the very start.

You have one hand,I have the other.

Put them together,

We have each other.

Silver is precious, Gold is too.

I am precious,

and so are you.

You help me, and I'll help you 

and together

we will see it through.

The sky is blue

The Earth is green

I can help

to keep it clean

Across the land

Across the sea

Friends forever

We will always be

Always On The Go

So why did I ever think that once we had kids we would slow down?  Did I dream that or did I hear that?  Cause that is the farthest thing from the truth phew!  Brent and I have always been people on the go, but that's easier when you only have to worry about yourself lol.  Now I feel like I live with multiple bags packed in my car or on my counter top.  Some from past events I haven't gotten to unpack yet and some just waiting for me to repack and run out the door.  If it's to run to the store or to a party we have to bring bags..... lots of bags!  Diapers, wipes, snacks and don't forget the change of clothes or you will be sorry.  I didn't pack Jean Paul an extra set one day recently because I was like he is getting a little older and I rarely use them anymore, well guess who had a major explosion that day with nothing extra to put on.  It never fails the day you do not pack it that is the day you will need them lol.  Forever I packed Leighton an extra pair of panties..... Just in case.  I never used them once.  And now that she is completely potty trained for over a year now I stopped.  Well guess who had an accident (and not #1) that day??  Yep she went the rest of the afternoon with just her shorts cause I decided to NOT PACK THE BAG COMPLETELY!!!!!  Well today we left our house at 8:30 AM and pulled back into the driveway at 6:00 PM so you can imagine the bags that we needed to have for a full day excursion!!!  Plus I'm still racking my brain trying to figure out when we will slow down.  

This was Saturday's Itinerary:

8:30 AM - Pull out the driveway with both kids:

                  1) Jean Paul in comfy clothes headed to Maw Maw's because my husband works   

                       two jobs and seems to neverrrr be home lol!  (Thankful for all he does for us)

                   2) Leighton dressed in her pretty party dress to come to a shower with me.

9:15AM - Jean Paul is dropped at Maw Maw & Pepa's and Leighton and I head to Target for 

                  the party platter and 2 gifts we need for the day.  I mean why not wait till the 

                  morning of the actual events right?  That's normal huh?  No one really has time 

                  to get all that stuff in advance, that would be absurd.  

10:15 AM - Leighton & I are now leaving Target $100 later.  Again how does that happen?  I  

                 went in for 3 things, ughhhhhh every time I mean every single time y'all!!! Lol. This 

                 part of the schedule would not of taken this long if my partner in crime would of 

                 been a tad bit more cooperative.  But we survived.

10:45 AM - Rolled up to a wedding shower with my high school girlfriends that started at

                10:30 AM oops.  But hey I was not the last one to arrive so I claim that as a small

                 victory in my book lol.

12:45 PM - Leave the first party and head to Breaux Bridge for the second party of the day.            

                Since the party is for my cousins little girl my Mom is meeting me here with Jean

                Paul.  And of course I can't just make things simple for me or her so I packed a 

                change of clothes for her to change him into for the party and packed myself a 

                new outfit to change Leighton into so they can coordinate.  They have to 

                coordinate don't they???  How would I live with myself in a few years when they 

                are to old for that and I look back at pictures and I totally missed the opportunity to

                do that LMAO!  So Leighton is nodding off literally 1 mile before we drive up so I 

                am singing at the top of my lungs to keep her up so she doesn't get a 2 minute

                nap, which will only make it worse for everyone at the party.  Pull in on two wheels

                at only 21 minutes past the start of the party this time.  Throw her on my lap

                and change her outfit and bow and BAM we are ready!  The bow has to match or it

                would be a total failure on my part hands down.  I might as well not even change

                her outfit to coordinate with her brother if I forget the bow lol.

5:30 PM - Since it was a family party we stayed and hung out for the afternoon.  Which 

               means the kids had a blast but are exhausted and so am I.  So we load up and

               head home to wait for Daddy to get off work. 

6:00 PM - I pull into my driveway and turn around to see this.

OK NORMALLY THIS IS A LARGE VICTORY BUT NOT AT 6:00 PM!!!!!

So today involved 3 bags to pack for the day with 4 outfits, multiple snacks, baby supplies, sippy cups and the other necessities needed.  My car looks like a wreck and we will all be a tad bit crabby tonight but we had a great day.  Making memories is what it is all about, oh and coordinating outfits of course!!

          

                  

Tacky Costumes, Chocolate Poptarts & Friends

There is something to be said about TRUE FRIENDS!  

You know the ones who:

- know you more than you know yourself sometimes

- love you more than you understand you deserve

- teach you new things even when they don't know they are

- tease you in a way that says "get it together" because they know if they just say it out right you are too soft hearted to understand

- their kids are more like nieces and nephews because you have watched them grow up

- have light in their eyes when they see your dreams have finally came true

- pray for you sometimes more than you pray for yourself

- when they hug you at the exact time you need it you don't want to let go

- stood by your side at your sons funeral and watched your mutual friends hand you a single rose one at a time because she passed them out for them to give so you would feel their love and support even when they didn't understand how to express it

- when everyone else was exiting your sons funeral after expressing their condolences stood there refusing to move, and not for her own heartache but because she was scared to leave you in the time she knew you needed her most

- actually hurt when you hurt

- true heartedly feel your joy with no jealousy

- leave a mark on your life even when time passes by

- express how your angel baby changed their way of life and their kids acceptance of Heaven

- you know for a fact God placed in your life for more than just a season but for a lifetime

- you could never in this lifetime repay for what they have carried you through

- you can remember praying God to send you because all you ever wanted was real friends 

- dress your kids in sparkly/tacky costumes, give them chocolate poptarts at 9:30 PM because these are the moments she has waited for just as much as you.... BECAUSE WHEN YOU SMILE SHE SMILES!

Because that is what True Friends do!

Grief = Exhaustion

I wish I could remember the days of being a kid and carefree.  No worries no fears!!!!  I'd tell myself to enjoy it and not to rush to be a grown up so fast!  Being a grown up is hard  lol.  But when I see the things that light up my kids eyes I envy the simplicity of their happiness so much.  I want to feel that again at least once.  I want to wake up worry free and go to bed with literally nothing on my mind for once.  I've always been a worrier but it seems these last few years it has escalated a lot.  My OCD has  gotten to a point it has never been at before.  Yes, I have been through a lot and people can assume that's why my anxiety has become more intense, but I'm just so tired.

Tired.... Mentally

Tired.... Emotionally

Tired.... Physically

EXHAUSTED!

To be completely honest living with a broken heart while being blessed beyond measure is extremely difficult.  It's a roller coaster 24 hours,  day in and day out.  I forgot what normal is and how it felt.  My single day with Braxton was and still is worth every single day of heartache until I'm with him again, but it's not easy.  On the days that I actually break down its not because I'm weak or tired it's because I'm to tired from putting on a smile and trying to fit in and be normal.  It's a million times harder to do that than to just let it all out.  So usually the days I cry to my friends are because I can't hide it anymore.  It happens often and I always allow it and say it's ok I deserve a "let it out day."  Then tomorrow I will start fresh again and be strong. It's a draining cycle that never stops.  I coach myelsf each time that it won't happen again that I'll get stronger, but it never happens.  And I honestly know I'm lying to myself during those pep talks because I know it is just the horrible cycle of grief.  So if you see me and it seems to be a good day from the laughter and smiles you see and hear please know it's actually probably one of my hardest days. Those are the days I'm bottling up all my heartache inside to try and shelter my pain from others.  Those are the days I need a hug.  Those are the days I want to be a kid again so I can be free of worry and heartache.  My journey is my journey and I will carry my cross to be free again one day!  But man it's not easy.  But then again nothing worth much ever is!!!!

Rain or Shine Mommy Visits

Dear Lord,
I was going to sit my son on my knee and tell him all about You,
but I never got the chance

So will You sit him on Your knee and tell him all about me?

I Want To Be Somebody's # 1

"If you let her know that she 's your priority and remind her how much you care,

You'll be amazed at how many problems disappear in your relationship."

So there is no hiding it or faking it, ALL women want to be somebody's #1!!!!  But the tricky part is having your husband/companion realize that lol.  When I decided to start this blog I promised myself that it would be completely raw and honest.  My mom always taught me honesty is the best policy.  But I also want to make sure I never hurt anyone's feelings along the way.  So please know that the words  in this post are facts because my husband; Brent, would sit here and tell you the same things about himself.  So in a nut shell, Brent is a beyond reserved human being.  Let me just paint a picture for you.  21 years ago a mutual friend came over to my house for a visit and Brent tagged along.  At the time we were both still in highschool.  He literally stood in my parents driveway with his arms crossed and maybe said 3 words.  Ok ok I'll give him 4 words lol.  Then when we all went inside to hangout my Mom and Dad asked me if he was there to hold up the wall, because he stood in our living room with his back up against the wall the whole entire evening.  He never sat.  Well needless to say not much connection was made at that point.  I will admit I thought he was very cute, there was something about his chiseled jawline that I loved.  And it goes without saying it was the overalls I was wearing that did it for him ( found out years after we were married he thought they were ridiculous and never understood how girls thought those were a fashion statement lmao).  But time passed and we actually were really good friends.  We stayed in touch here and there and we were always there for each other through the milestones; birthdays, family troubles, breakups and college graduations etc.  Now for those who know me and my family we are very outgoing, loud spoken, emotional wrecks and love attention lol.  Well Brent was the complete opposite of all of that but there was something there...some spark.  I will never forget one time he came to my parents house to hang out and it was late by the time he left and like normal I asked him to please let me know he made it home safe.  I never heard from him.  By lunch time the next day I recieved a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a card that read "I made it home safe!"  Couldn't help but giggle and argue with my mom that she was wrong as she insisted that he was finally making his move!!!  I just remember thinking: ohhhhhh so he does have some emotion in there.  And it's obvious to see that we decided to give our relationship a try.  Now he still wasn't a man of many hugs, words or emotion but he never once asked me to change who I was!!!!  The best way I can describe it is we would go out partying with friends and I would dance the night away and he would come to the dance floor when my drink was empty to see if I needed a refill!  But never did he fuss or ask me to stop dancing!!!  There was a time I had a serious talk with him because it worried me that some of my friends felt like he was rude or that he disliked them because he didn't speak much.  It was then that I realized that he honestly was shy..... Not rude.  He overthinks and analyzes everything!!!  And I told myself then that it wasn't fair to ask him to change who he was of he wasn't asking me too!  Yes that plan still to this day is very hard for me because I do want to feel all the fairy tale love emotions but it's just not how Brent shows affection.  He has grown so much but still is very reserved in the emotion department!  I have to laugh looking back at my pregnancy with Braxton.  Every time I got to feel him move in my belly it was very distinct and usually slow movements, no major jabs or punches.  And now that I can compare that to my other pregnancies I truly believe Braxton was just like his Daddy.  No rush just very planned with everything he did.  But yes it's still hard when you yearn for affection and emotion especially when it is what you grew up with.  But through our whole journey with Braxton, Brent did allow himself to feel the emotions and express them.  There are some days I wonder how he shut it off afain after he allowed them to show, but then I think maybe he is scared if he allows them to show again  he believes he will get hurt again 😥.  So this morning when I saw this:

in a drawer while I was getting ready for work I felt my heart skip a beat!  And even though I still struggle with needing more affection from him than he needs from me I felt like his #1 in that moment.  Nothing big just a hand written note left for me to find and I was reminded that sometimes it's the littlest things that mean so much!!! And of course I let out a little giggle as I said to myself  "ohhhhhhhhh so he does have some emotion in there!"

Just Another Manic Monday

Why is it always on the mornings you need to get out of the house early your kids have a different agenda??????  I mean come on Jean Paul we all dislike Monday's but it's time to start noticing that they will come around every 7 days.  And there is no reasoning with a 1 year old when they have made up their mind about something.  Lol!!!!!  My Dad had a knee procedure scheduled this morning right next door to where I was working, so I wanted to stop by and be there for support for my Mom while she was in the waiting room.  Well I got there, but it for sure did not play out like I had planned it too!!!  Well I will just let the picture speak for itself.  And check out Brent's face...... Can you tell he was highly amused with Jean Pauls performance??????

HAPPY MONDAY FRIENDS!!

What Seed Am I

¹⁸ 'So pay attention to the parable of the sower.

¹⁹ When anyone hears the word of the kingdom without understanding, the Evil One comes and carries off what was sown in his heart: this is the seed sown on the edge of the path.

²⁰ The seed sown on patches of rock is someone who hears the word and welcomes it at once with joy.

²¹ But such a person has no root deep down and does not last; should some trial come, or some persecution on account of the word, at once he falls away.

²² The seed sown in thorns is someone who hears the word, but the worry of the world and the lure of riches choke the word and so it produces nothing.

²³ And the seed sown in rich soil is someone who hears the word and understands it; this is the one who yields a harvest and produces now a hundredfold, now sixty, now thirty.

Today in church as I sat with Jean Paul on my lap I almost started crying.  The Gospel really made me think about my relationship with God.  It was all about knowing what type of seed you are.  I honestly was not proud with what I was learning about myself.  I feel like I have been all types of seeds.  And I'm embarrassed to admit that I am guilty of being closer to God in the times of need.  That is not OK.  Yes I feel that he gives us times of need/hardships to draw us back to him, but after all that I have endured and witnessed I do not want to be that type of Christian.  Almost like a go with the flow type of seed.  I want to be constant in my relationship with God.  I can not forget where I was only 5 short years ago.  I was sitting there thinking "Does God think that I used him to get what I want and now I am moving on?"  At that moment I literally wanted to cry.  So today I am praying for anyone and everyone that feels this way.  Somehow even though I know God forgives us always, it is still a lonely spot to be in.  I have never stopped praying or stopped worshiping, but I have been slacking.  There is no reason I should ever feel that life has gotten to busy for God.  Because truthfully the only reason my life is full of life is because of him. 

He's Mine

He is 1 but it feels like he's been here for many years

He is gentle but he's strong minded

He is so lovable but he's got a temper

He is my third child but he feels like my first in a way

He is a Momma's boy but he's attached to his Daddy

He is a strong resemblance of me but he's a spitting image of his Daddy's baby pics

He is smiles all day long but he's a fireball when you get him mad

He is his sisters shadow but he's all for himself when you touch his belongings

He is my final gift from God but he's one of my greatest achievements 

He is spoiled rotten but he's even more spoiled at his Maw Maw's house

He is a precious angel but he's mine!!!!!

Still brings me to my knees to think of the heartache we have been through, but looking back it has brought us to the happiness we get to be a part of now!!