Grief = Exhaustion

I wish I could remember the days of being a kid and carefree.  No worries no fears!!!!  I'd tell myself to enjoy it and not to rush to be a grown up so fast!  Being a grown up is hard  lol.  But when I see the things that light up my kids eyes I envy the simplicity of their happiness so much.  I want to feel that again at least once.  I want to wake up worry free and go to bed with literally nothing on my mind for once.  I've always been a worrier but it seems these last few years it has escalated a lot.  My OCD has  gotten to a point it has never been at before.  Yes, I have been through a lot and people can assume that's why my anxiety has become more intense, but I'm just so tired.

Tired.... Mentally

Tired.... Emotionally

Tired.... Physically

EXHAUSTED!

To be completely honest living with a broken heart while being blessed beyond measure is extremely difficult.  It's a roller coaster 24 hours,  day in and day out.  I forgot what normal is and how it felt.  My single day with Braxton was and still is worth every single day of heartache until I'm with him again, but it's not easy.  On the days that I actually break down its not because I'm weak or tired it's because I'm to tired from putting on a smile and trying to fit in and be normal.  It's a million times harder to do that than to just let it all out.  So usually the days I cry to my friends are because I can't hide it anymore.  It happens often and I always allow it and say it's ok I deserve a "let it out day."  Then tomorrow I will start fresh again and be strong. It's a draining cycle that never stops.  I coach myelsf each time that it won't happen again that I'll get stronger, but it never happens.  And I honestly know I'm lying to myself during those pep talks because I know it is just the horrible cycle of grief.  So if you see me and it seems to be a good day from the laughter and smiles you see and hear please know it's actually probably one of my hardest days. Those are the days I'm bottling up all my heartache inside to try and shelter my pain from others.  Those are the days I need a hug.  Those are the days I want to be a kid again so I can be free of worry and heartache.  My journey is my journey and I will carry my cross to be free again one day!  But man it's not easy.  But then again nothing worth much ever is!!!!