| "Before you tell a greiving parent to be grateful for the children they have, think about which one of yours that you could live without." |
The fear of living in constant worry of losing another one of my babies is what keeps me awake every single night. I am sometimes afraid to close my eyes when I get in bed. This time at night is my time, the time I use to let out everything I have tried to hide from everyone all day long with my smile. It isn't that my smile is always fake or that my laughter isn't real throughout the day, it is just such a hard place to be. Happy with so much going on around me but so extremely sad inside. I was his Mommy and I could not save him so how am I supposed to sleep at night wondering if I can protect Leighton & Jean Paul. I do not want to fail them because at the end of the day I am only human, and I do struggle with pain even on my happiest days. And as much as I want to just run and hide for a long time I know that is not the solution. The solution is to remember tomorrow is a new day and each breathe I take I take for Braxton. I promised to live for him. I will wake tomorrow and continue to be strong for my family. But today for a brief moment I will allow myself to hurt , to cry.... to Grieve. I will one day hold you again my sweet boy. And when I do I pray you are beyond proud of me for surviving these hard days. I always dreamed of being a Mother, I just never imagined it would be a grieving one. But without you I would never have been given the chance of being a Mother at all. And because of that and because of you I would do it all again. No amount of pain can ever replace the time I had with you. Please bring Mommy a smile tonight through your siblings giggles, please send me a sign that I am doing good.
Love You My Sweet Boy Bigger Than The Sky!
I wrote this around lunch time today and then the most amazing thing happened after I picked up my kids. Leighton had dancing so I had to rush and pick up Jean Paul from daycare and then rush to meet my Mom for her to hand off Leighton to me after her class. Sitting in my car I felt paralyzed with sadness and was practically begging for a sign that I can do this. A sign that I didn't go against God's Will by pushing for my dream of having a family so extraordinarily hard, even though all I was doing was following my heart. So as I was faced with the precious innocence of my babies as I loaded them individually into the car I wanted to cry out to them that I was sorry. They deserve so much and sometimes I am scared I am not enough (which I have come to learn all Moms feel this way). There is something about being a Mom that makes you want to be able to give your kids the world. All 3 of my kids mean more to me than anything and they truly are the only reason I find the courage to share our story piece by piece. After they were loaded and we drove off headed towards home I started fumbling around for my sun glasses because I felt a few tears start to fall and I did not want Leighton to see them. Then right there on my floor board was a CD that was given to me last week for my kids that I had completely forgotten about. It was a CD of children's Hymns. Right when I picked it up Leighton asked what it was and I read the title to her. She then asked me what a Hymn is? As I started to explain to her that they were songs about our Jesus and how much he loves us she replied "You mean the Jesus that Bubba lives with?" "Yes baby that Jesus!" As I sat there selfishly proud of myself for her knowing that because of how much we include Braxton in our daily lives she asked to listen to the music. The very first song that came over the speakers was exactly what I needed to hear today! I could not turn the volume up loud enough as I felt a peace completely take over my mind. Leighton and I sang as Jean Paul giggled the whole way home. My prayer request for a sign today had been heard and in that moment I did not question whether or not I was deserving of being:
A Mother to Braxton
A Mother to Leighton
or
A Mother to Jean Paul
......... I felt it!
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the itty bitty baby in His hands
He's got a-you and me brother in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got a-you and me sister in His hands
He's got a-you and me sister in His hands
He's got a-you and me sister in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
I wrote this around lunch time today and then the most amazing thing happened after I picked up my kids. Leighton had dancing so I had to rush and pick up Jean Paul from daycare and then rush to meet my Mom for her to hand off Leighton to me after her class. Sitting in my car I felt paralyzed with sadness and was practically begging for a sign that I can do this. A sign that I didn't go against God's Will by pushing for my dream of having a family so extraordinarily hard, even though all I was doing was following my heart. So as I was faced with the precious innocence of my babies as I loaded them individually into the car I wanted to cry out to them that I was sorry. They deserve so much and sometimes I am scared I am not enough (which I have come to learn all Moms feel this way). There is something about being a Mom that makes you want to be able to give your kids the world. All 3 of my kids mean more to me than anything and they truly are the only reason I find the courage to share our story piece by piece. After they were loaded and we drove off headed towards home I started fumbling around for my sun glasses because I felt a few tears start to fall and I did not want Leighton to see them. Then right there on my floor board was a CD that was given to me last week for my kids that I had completely forgotten about. It was a CD of children's Hymns. Right when I picked it up Leighton asked what it was and I read the title to her. She then asked me what a Hymn is? As I started to explain to her that they were songs about our Jesus and how much he loves us she replied "You mean the Jesus that Bubba lives with?" "Yes baby that Jesus!" As I sat there selfishly proud of myself for her knowing that because of how much we include Braxton in our daily lives she asked to listen to the music. The very first song that came over the speakers was exactly what I needed to hear today! I could not turn the volume up loud enough as I felt a peace completely take over my mind. Leighton and I sang as Jean Paul giggled the whole way home. My prayer request for a sign today had been heard and in that moment I did not question whether or not I was deserving of being:
A Mother to Braxton
A Mother to Leighton
or
A Mother to Jean Paul
......... I felt it!
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the itty bitty baby in His hands
He's got the itty bitty baby in His hands
He's got the itty bitty baby in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got a-you and me brother in His hands
He's got a-you and me brother in His handsHe's got a-you and me brother in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got a-you and me sister in His hands
He's got a-you and me sister in His hands
He's got a-you and me sister in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
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