Halloween 2017

Through Their Little Eyes

If we all could see the world

through the eyes of a child,

we would see the magic in

everything...

Halloween All Day

Whew this is a late post for me but we have been doing the Halloween thing all day long!  Got to spend the morning with all of Leighton & Jean Paul's school friends at a birthday party.  I think they both were a little confused to see all their teachers and friends outside of daycare LOL.  But they had a blast and the weather was beyond perfect for a party.  On the way home Jean Paul fell asleep and Leighton was about too, but we snuck in a quick visit with Bubba to bring him his pumpkins.  Sweet Leighton tried to keep her eyes open and I told her she didn't have to get out at the cemetery and she replied:

"But Bubba will be sad."  I told her he would never be sad he loves her to much and sometimes it's ok if Mommy brings the goodies.  Without picking up her head she said "Can I roll down my window and watch you bring Bubba my pumpkin for him?"  And that's exactly what we did and when I got back to the car I told her Bubba wanted her to take a nap and he would wait for a visit soon.  She smiled.  As I went to drive off I rolled up the window and she started to cry which I was pretty sure was mostly exhaustion.  "I promise it's ok baby" I told her.  "NOOOOO you rolled it up before I got to tell him bye!"  I quickly rolled down the window and let her scream to him.  It was the sweetest thing ever.  "Bye Bubba I hope you like my pumpkin I got you!"  Next we got home and took quick naps to prepare for another Halloween party at Pepa's work.  And as usual we had a lot of fun.  Mommy was pretty much done from a whole weekend of duty alone by this time, but all the kids had fun and that's what matters most!  I didn't eat dinner trying to keep up with my two but I promise you I am not hurting from a missed meal LOL.  Talk to me tomorrow cause it may be a different story when I am tired and hungry lol but for now I am pleased with the smiles on my babies faces!!!!

 

They Knew I Needed Them

Well today was a day we didn't get out of our pajamas!  Well yes we did but just to put on another pair of pajamas lol!  I truly think my kids knew I needed them close today.  It was just us and we snuggled and played all day long.  Made my day!!!  I pray they always know how much they mean to me and that one day they will truly understand that the continue to save me every single day!

Today Was Not An Easy Day

"Today is one of those days that I'm getting through one minute at a time."

I visited you today,

I cried while hiding 8 times today,

I prayed for you to watch over me today,

I talked about you today,

I stared at your picture today,

I pretended you were just at daycare today,

I said your name out loud in my car just to hear it today,

I woke up with your blanket in my arms as usual today,

I wondered if you even remember my face today,

I put on your baby lotion just to smell you today,

I looked at your siblings and saw you in their eyes today,

I put on a smile to cover up the pain the best I could today,

I tried to play the strong role today,

I felt extremely lost without you today,

Daddy sent the picture of the sky you sent him today,

I tried to cover up the grief today,

I asked God to help me today,

I yelled "I just need my baby back" when a friend tried to help me today,

I ignored phone calls today,

I sat motionless unable to move today,

I told myself that tomorrow will be better today,

I forced myself to keep going today,

I lied to your sister and told her these were Mommy's happy tears today,

I read your brother one of your books today,

I counted the exact number (1,898) of days you have been gone today,

I watched your videos from your birth just to hear you today,

I wished it didn't hurt this bad today,

I couldn't hide it all as good as I usually can today,

I was reminded of how rare your disease was today,

I questioned why a lot today,

I then wondered why I was chosen to be your Mommy today,

I thanked God for the 7 hours I got to keep you today,

I told myself to remember you were mine for 7 whole hours today,

I beat myself up for being so selfish today,

Today was a hard day, but so is every other day...

I just needed you My Sweet Boy a lot TODAY!

Chores Are Fun Mommy

Leighton actually told me "chores are fun Mommy" last night.  Hmmmmm I wonder how many years I can keep her believing that lol.  This post tonight is mainly so that I can have proof in the years to come that she said that to me.  I can't wait till that day comes when I can say what do you mean chores aren't fun LOL!  Last night I honestly did not feel good at all, I literally had to wait till Brent got home for help bathing the kids.  I do not know what was going on.  I forced myself to empty the dishwasher so I could reload it because for some reason I can not go to sleep with dirty dishes in the sink.  Well let me rephrase that I can cause I have, but it drives me insane and can cause lack of sleep LOL.  So as I was slowly unloading dishes I turned around to see two sweet faces trying to help.  Yes it took a little longer than usual since they would grab one thing at a time and bring it to me.  I praised them for all their help and I got a tremendous amount of pleasure seeing how proud they were of themselves for helping out.  We even might of invented an "ALL THE DISHES ARE CLEAN DANCE" in the process too!  Hey who doesn't love new traditions lol.  Whatever works right!!!  I couldn't help but giggle to myself when I was laying in bed looking back at the pic.  All I could think of was when I was growing up my parents had my brother convinced that unloading the dishwasher and eating the crust on your bread made hair grow on your chest like a real man!  He was a dish washing and bread crust eating fool LOL.  Which I guess they didn't think through to well because those were two chores I for sure wasn't helping out with if that was the reward!!!  But all jokes aside I do believe it is healthy to teach your kids at a young age that they can help and should.  It may not have been the way I would of unloaded the dishes or the speed I can do it in, but they were helping instead of wanting to watch TV etc.  And like I said with the dancing and giggles we squeezed into the job it was tons of fun!!

Proud Of Her Pumpkins

This weekend we had a spontaneous neighborhood pumpkin painting party!  The kids all had their own painting set up and pumpkins galore.  The parents had a few drinks while we enjoyed some yummy jambalaya!  As the night went on the garage turned into a dance party for the kids followed by spooky story time!  It was so much fun for all of us not just the kids.  We are beyond blessed to have such amazing neighbors who we love like family!  Yesterday after school the pumpkins were dry and ready to be picked up.  Leighton was so proud of her painting skills!  They also painted a little one for us to bring Braxton.  So special watching her always want to include Braxton in the things we do.  I pray she always feels a special bond with him!  I often wonder how they would get along?  I sort of have a feeling Leighton would boss him around even though he would of been older than her LOL.  It is very obvious she feel like his protector these days.  She prays to him every night to watch over her and I know he does and that makes me a very proud Mom.

So here you have it folks.... 

Our 2017 pumpkins on display, one for each of our kids to enjoy!

You've Got A Friend In Me

There are some days you just need a break from the normal routine.  There are even some days I for some reason can not go home.  I don't like to be alone sometimes.  With my stress and anxiety lately I have been wanting more and more to just be at my moms.  Especially on the afternoons I know Brent will be working later than his even usual late nights.  For some reason there is still something calming or soothing about being around my parents.  It's no secret my family is my safe place, but there are times I need them more than they know.  Those are the days that I am beyond happy to finally be where I am in my journey, but I still feel incomplete and broken.  I know they know how to read those days without even asking so it helps to always have an open invitation whenever needed.  So over to Maw Maw's and Pepa's house we went.  Well we decided on the way to invite our friend Lucy and Aunt Abby.  Our schedules usually are so busy it isn't easy to meet up.  The stars were aligned this time and we all got to be together.  I will always think the sound of little giggles and laughter is medicine for the soul and healing power for a broken heart.  And oh did we have some fun.  Dance party, snack time, toy time and even gave Lucy her first set of Piggie Tails for a hair do!!!  I can not imagine doing life with my kids without sweet Lucy and her parents Abby and Jared.  I can still remember the day we found out we were going to have our babies within 2 weeks of each other.  We had to be on speaker so Abby wouldn't tell me before Jared could tell Brent!  I don't think I could scream any louder while crying like a baby at the same time because I was so excited!!!  I remember praying constantly for God to protect our babies so they could be born helathy and have the opportunity to be instant friends.  And like typical friendships there is an alpha and a beta.  Lucy still loves to pet Jean Paul with a big giddy smile on her face while Jean Paul stares at her with that what are you doing face.  Which by the way is soooooooo his daddy's personality and face daily lol!!!  Lucy also loves to cover him in kisses with him responding with "Ouch!"  And as his little hand tries to wipe it off we tell him he is only rubbing it in even more to torture him!!  I honestly can't wait till the day we get to show them these pictures of them through the years.  Because if they are blessed with even half of the friendship I have been blessed to have had for years with Abby there is no way they can ever feel alone in life!!!

 

Monday Morning Snuggles

WE STARTED THE DAY

IN A LOVING WAY!

Hold on 

to the

tiny moments

and

cherish the 

little snuggles...

They grow up

so fast!

A Hidden Message

Leighton has started bringing home worksheets and color pages from school now!  We have a bin where we keep them because she is so proud of each one.  I know it is ridiculous to save them all but we will just keep adding to her bin and when it gets full I will purge some and keep a few from each year I think.  Also recently she is really into doing artwork with me.  It is a lot of fun to get to see her use her imagination and I love the one on one time we get too.  Sometimes I have to give her an assignment then tend to Jean Paul but I always pop back in here and there to help her.  Well today since it was raining Daddy was home to help with Jean Paul so Leighton & I got to do artwork together for a long time uninterrupted.  We made a ballerina sticker page and glued beads with glitter glue to each letter in her name!  She was even more excited to show it to her Daddy when it was all done.  I hated to just add it to the pile to never really be seen again.  So I started trying to find something we could use to display her artwork in her room.  All of a sudden I knew the perfect thing.  Under her bed I had stored a chalkboard that was made special for her that was used at my baby shower.  My Aunt Gina and Uncle Daryl made a chalkboard from scratch and painted it to match her room so I could hang it for her.  The problem was that the message written in chalk was handwritten by my Aunt Christine who passed away shortly after Leighton was born.  I can vividly remember walking in to my shower before it started and seeing her writing it.  She couldn't decide exactly what to write and even was concerned with the flowers she was adding to the sides.  It simply reads "Welcome to Sarah's Baby Shower", but for some reason I have never been able to bring myself to erase it.  And the reason I never hung it was because it would look silly saying that hanging on her wall lol.   So I have had this chalkboard laying under the bed unused for over 4 years now, but today I new I could use it and not have to erase her handwriting.  So with some ribbon and clothes pins I made it something we can hang Leighton's artwork on!  I absolutely love it!  It is nothing extravagant just a simple board, but when I see it I see so much more than that.  To me it is handmade with love by Leighton's Great Aunt & Uncle and contains something her Great Aunt wrote in her own handwriting for me!  The artwork covers most of it which is the purpose since the message wasn't meant to hang in her room, but the pieces you can see peeping out from behind Leighton's artwork allows me to see just enough of it letting me know what's back there.  

Sassy Saturday's

Today was a girl day with tons of arts and crafts!  One of our neighbors has a son that plays football on Saturday mornings so sometimes his little sister Erin would rather stay with us!  Lucky us cause we love having her!  The silly girl giggles are my favorite.  We played barbies, cut and designed artwork, colored, made bracelets and even danced a little too.  Leighton looked at me while they were drawing and said "Mommy I love days like this!"  I pray the friendships she makes with her friends last a lifetime!!!  True friends are by far the greatest gift of all!

Bubba's Sky

Ever since we lost Braxton we have been seeing beautiful skies more and more.  I don't know if it's because we are now more aware or if he really has a big hand in it.  We have seen lots of breathtaking sunrises and sunsets and they all bring tears to my eyes and peace to my heart.  Now that the kids are old enough to know more and more about heaven we call the beautiful skies Bubba's Sky!  This morning Bubba sure did paint us a pretty one and the sweetest thing came out of Leighton's mouth "Mommy look how pretty Bubba did his sky for you!"  It was the medicine my soul; I needed this more than anything.  I have been dealing with a lot of personal demons the past 2 weeks.  Some are struggles I have fought with for many many years, some are new and some are simply the realization of what could be if Braxton was here.  I will survive these struggles and I will be ok, but sometimes you have personal set backs and that's ok.  It is time for a reset button I have been telling myself every night lately as I say my prayers.  Well as soon as I saw her standing at the window in awe of what in her precious mind is her Bubba's artwork I knew my reset button had been pushed.  My sweet boy was telling me it was time to let the pain go for now and start over.  I know as well as he does that the day will come again where I feel I have to much load to carry, but I also know he will be the one to send me the sign I need from heaven to let me know he is with me every step of the way!  I hope and pray that every one of you see a beautiful master piece in the sky very soon and that this time you see it in a whole new way!  

Beauty like that doesn't just happen in my mind....

 somehow 

someway

someone

is up there creating it! 

You just have to let your heart look at it the way a child does and that is when you will begin to see more than just a few colors in the sky!

Technical Difficulty Thursday

Well friends today is post 104 since I began my blog journey!  Sorry so slow on sharing Braxton's actual journey but it is very emotional and takes time.  Little by little I will I promise!  Even though it is an emotional process it has been so amazing to have so much support and positive comments from friends and family!  Today I was without any computer connection due to service being out during my prime time for blogging....... Which is why I labeled this post "Technical Difficulty Thursday!" LOL!  But even when I am late posting at the end of the day I think everyone still deserves a cute pic of my kids to finish off the night!  Happy Game Day Cajuns!  And I'm sure you already new the Bergeron kids were dressed for the occasion!!!!

I Pray They Always Know Their Worth

With so much evil in the world and honestly so much pure ugliness all around us I pray my babies always know their true worth.  I hate feeling I have done something wrong when I know in my heart I have not.  But I am the type of person that will question and re question every step I took, every word I said and even every expression I made in order to prove to myself I am a good person.  Nothing hurts more than feeling someone doesn't think you are worthy of being around.  And my Mom always told me to kill people with kindness but sometimes you just can't anymore.  After all my family has been through I sometimes just want to scream "I don't have time for this!"  But there comes a time where you just can not physically or emotionally give anymore of yourself when you do not feel appreciated.  And that is a dark place.  Or at least it is for me.  So I pray that as my kids get older Brent & I can always let them now they are worth so much and have so much to give.  Oh and I pity the fool that ever tells them differently.  One of the most profound moments is my Mom telling me how shy and sweet she was all her life until she had kids.  Cause once you become a Mother you also grow a backbone she once told me.  And let me tell you I have seen her in full Mama Bear mode when she needs to defend her kids LOL!  

Leighton & Jean Paul I pray you always know your worth in this world!  And if you ever start to doubt it please come to me to prove it to you again!

Don't let someone who did you wrong make you think there's something wrong with you.  

Don't devalue yourself because they didn't value you.

Know your worth even if they don't.

Halloween Cuties

These two are loving the Halloween goodies they received last week!  They can't put them down and then when they look at each other they bust out laughing.  And with all the whining we have been experiencing the sound of laughter is a pleasant sound to Mommy's ears.  Once again the wonders a quick trip to the Dollar General can do LOL!!  Also proves they don't always need expensive toys.  Sometimes just being together and making each other laugh is enough!  Leighton tells me something different every single day when I ask her what she wants to be for Halloween!  So I guess this week we will need to just head over to a store and let her imagination go wild!  Please wish me luck because if she is anything like her mother with making decisions this may be a very long shopping trip.  I would love to see pictures of others dressing up if anyone wants to share!!!

Cool Weather & Blow Outs

Well we finally have some fall weather ya'll!!!!  So I decided to pick up a treat for my babies!  Honestly I was secretly hoping the Blue Monday I had would turn around when I got to see their faces when they saw a special treat.  So fries it was and I drove through "Old McDonald's" and got them each a small fry to celebrate this cool front that came through today!  Well to my surprise Jean Paul was in an interesting ensemble when I arrived at school.  He decided to have a blow which meant he had to wear something in his "extras" drawer lol.  Apparently that drawer has not been updated by me in quite awhile as you can see LOL!!  But it fit just perfectly in with the day I had.  So I just laughed it off and made him pose for pics so that I could document his attire to have for teasing rights later, or bribing whatever I need at the time!!!

Angel Baby Celebration

Yesterday marked our 6th year we have had a team for the annual Maddie's Footprints Walk.  Each year I don't know why I expect it to be easier because it never is.  The emotions that are involved are huge, but the reason for them is so worth it.  There are no words to explain how much Maddie's Footprints support means to our family and extended family for all they have done for not only us but many others.  As I headed to the race yesterday I had chills as I saw the signs lining the Camelia Blvd.  Each sign represents a baby gone too soon.  It brought tears to my eyes instantly.  What a profound site to see sign after sign all the way down the boulevard.  It broke my heart knowing even though each sign was designed with love for someones baby and is a beautiful tribute it also means we have had that much loss in Acadiana.  That many families are hurting day in and day out just like us.  Just like every other year our family and friends that were able to join us showed up bright and early with their Team Braxton shirts on ready to celebrate our baby boy!  There was fun activities for the kids and lots of laughs for the adults as we sat around visiting!  Six years ago Brent and I were honored to share our story at the end of the race during the ceremony.  It was beyond tough but something I will cherish forever.  The feeling of being able to announce to the world that our son did exist and we were his proud parents was exactly what I needed only 2 short months after losing Braxton.  Each year I am moved to tears as I hear another story shared.  Even though every single story is far from the same it all ends with the same heartache.  The pain of having to give your child back to God far earlier than you ever imagined.  Each parent prayed for their miracle to survive and the last thing they ever wanted was to be in the club of grieving parents, but we are together now and our club is made up of some of the strongest and most faithful people I have ever met.  I am honored to have them by my side on this painful journey.  This year the tribute was read by some dear friends of ours.  And like always tears ran down my face as I listened to their Amelia's story.  I already knew her journey, but hearing it being shared with over a thousand other people made me so proud to witness.  There is a sense of pride that was coming across the microphone and it hit me hard.  The next thing I heard made even more emotions arise.  Jen & her wife Jen took turns sharing and as they passed the microphone I heard my sweet boy Braxton's name.  They had been moved by Maddie's amazing organization when we lost Braxton and stood with us 6 years ago on our team to show support.  When I learned Amelia was sick in utero I remember thinking how ironic it was that I still had messages on my phone from her Mother when we found out Braxton was sick.  Messages that read they were praying hard for us and our son.  Messages that read no parent should have to go through this heartache.  Messages that read how they could see our undying love we had for a baby we had not even met yet.  And messages that read they would always be moved by our choice to allow Braxton to fight rather than terminate our pregnancy per some Dr's suggestions.  As I read back the conversations I could only hope that God had a hand in Braxton crossing their paths,  because a huge part of me feels the heart string they felt tugging on them for us was preparing them for what was to come.  During their speech they also mentioned our amazing nurse and close friend, Fallon.  She also met them 6 years ago at their first race for our team.  As I heard them admit they could not of gotten through their own journey without her I lost it.  She was more than a nurse to me and she still continues to allow God to bring her to the bedside of family after family as they face the hardest moments of their lives.  She not only is an angel on this earth she is blessed and strong enough to acknowledge and give God the glory for her strength, stating to me that she is simply a vessel that is trying to allow his work to be done through her to comfort her patients.  I am honored to now call her more than our nurse from the day Braxton entered and peaceful left this earth, she is my family!  Finally the traditional balloon release began and tears were shed as each of our supporters hugged us silently.  No words needed to even be spoken because we knew what was in their hearts.  This year was even more moving as Brent & I become more and more involved with our other 2 children during the celebration and especially the balloon release.  The innocence in Leighton's eyes as she watches the hundreds of balloons fly as high as she can see while truly believing Bubba is waiting in heaven to receive them.  And as Jean Paul's chubby little hands grip his balloon with uncertainty if he is ready to part with it, until it is released and you can truly see his amazement with the piercing blue sky filled with so many beautifully colored balloons soaring.  I will never stop believing in celebrating the life of my son or the life of all the other angel babies who were honored yesterday.  It is truly amazing to witness such a special occasion even if it is for a hard and sometimes unspoken topic.  I don't think anyone who attended can disagree or challenge me when I say there was nothing but pride and love in each parent's face as their child was remembered yesterday!  The day ended with everyone parting again till next year, but it is never complete till some of us Angel Moms can get that hug we so secretly and desperatly need from each other.  It wams my heart to see us smiling together and supporting each other still year after year.  Nothing can replace an Angel Moms smile after a day honoring their child their childs friends in heaven.  I believe with all my heart our children have brought us together in order for us to survive!

 

 

 

 

Very Special Day

No words can describe how special today was for my family.  I can't wait to look through the pics and share them with ya'll tomorrow! We love you bigger than the sky sweet boy!

 

Somewhere over the rainbow

Way up high

There's a land that I heard of

Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far

Behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Away above the chimney tops

That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow

Bluebirds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow

Why can't oh Why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly

Beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?

A Spot At Mrs. Tricia's

As a Mother you pray that when you drop off your children each day to be in the care of someone else that those people will love your children even a fourth as much as you do.  We are blessed to have found more than that.  Our children are with some amazing women that love them almost as much as we do!  When I found out I was pregnant for Braxton I knew immediately where I wanted him to go everyday for child care.  My best friend's kids went to a lady name Mrs. Tricia!  I had met her a few times when I would go to pick up his kids for him here and there.  For some reason I always knew I wanted to ask her to watch my kids when we finally had some.  Immediately after becoming pregnant we asked and she said of course she would keep Braxton for us when I returned to work after his birth.  So once we learned the true heartache of Braxton's disease and then were faced with the hard truth of not even getting to bring him home I knew he would never get to be at Mrs. Tricia's or meet her.  I remember my best friend telling me he had let her know not to hold our spot for us, and she told him that we would always have a spot for our other kids in the future.  I can remember even up to a year after losing Braxton I would sometimes pass by her house and cry as I drove by.  I would leave work some afternoons and let myself pretend that I was headed there to pick him up.  But when I got there I couldn't turn down the long gravel road that I wanted to so badly.  Her beautiful white house sits back on a huge piece of land with a long gravel road that brings you to it.  As crazy as it sounds I drove past it millions of times and every single time as I passed I started sobbing and then felt completely ridiculous.  But I still did it, except every time I passed her house the sadness of all I could truly do was drive to the cemetery instead of daycare would set in.  Something about driving by made me feel a little bit better though.  So when we found out we were expecting Leighton I could not wait to find out if it was truly my turn to claim a spot at Mrs Tricia's house.  And as she had said a few years earlier we of course were welcome.  Each year since my kids have been with her she has always supported us in all of our Braxton traditions.  She has never not allowed Leighton to talk about him or me for that matter.  I learned that she had faced hard times too while watching her daughter go through treatments at St. Jude many years before.  The common awareness we both share about how special each minute we get to share with our kids is a blessing is an unspoken factor in why I feel so close to her.  She has taught me so much about being a Mother and a lot more about how a Mother should never let anyone speak badly about your children or make you believe you are wrong for always putting your children first.  This week we passed out Team Braxton shirts to people who so graciously ordered them to support us. And like always Mrs. Tricia ordered too.... But what you must know is she not only orders for herself or even just for her family.  She insists on buying one for each student she cares for.  That way no one is left out and no one has to worry if they can't afford one at the time.  Yesterday I was sent a text that tomorrow would be what she calls a Braxton day.  Which means everyone will wear their shirts together.  Leighton was beyond excited to see her friends all wearing Bubba shirts as she told me, but even more excited to tell me every one was twins.  She would name each friends name on the way home and say "And guess what he wore?"  I would respond with what each time and she would giggle and proudly say "A Bubba shirt all day!"  What a perfect way to start our family weekend we have planned to honor our Braxton!  I've always known Tricia loves my children and thinks of all of her parents as family, but today it hit me that Braxton actually does have a spot at Tricia's.  It is a spot in her heart and that means more than anything to me!  

HAPPY BRAXTON DAY!

Missing Her

My beautiful Aunt who I envision holding Braxton just this way in Heaven for me!

Today I got to volunteer for Maddie's Footprints as the prepare for their annual walk this weekend.  This foundation is means more to my family than we can ever explain.  As I was helping I glanced at all the Team names listed on the packets.  My how our small group of Angel Moms has grown.  It makes my heart so happy to see all of these amazing families that have gotten help through Maddie's Footprints.  It also makes me sad knowing that bigger means more support but also means more babies gone to soon.  Knowing they all are hurting they way we do is crushing.  But Saturday is a day we all get to be together and honor our babies proudly.  And that alone makes the day very special.  When I got home today I started looking through pictures of our Team Braxton Michael through the years.  We have been so blessed to always have so much support and love standing with us each year.  Even when family and friends can't make the walk they always send texts or pics showing they are supporting us no matter where they are!  This picture hit me pretty hard while flipping through the memories today.  This is my Aunt Christine who is flying high with my sweet Braxton in heaven now.  She loved him so much and his journey changed her in many ways, it also brought her and I closer than we had ever been before too.  As hard as it is to see her in her Team Braxton shirt and know she is not here with us anymore it also makes me laugh.  Our first year at the walk she was set on the fact that she was going to win the whole entire race.  She would not let anybody tell her different either.  Well that did not happen due to the fact that there were tons of people running.  She was more than devastated she was literally mad about it.  We heard if forever LOL.  It was the funniest thing!  After the race she continued doing local races in Baton Rouge and nearby places, but from then on she dedicated every run to Braxton.  She logged every mile she ran even if it was just for leisure activity and every race she wore his shirt.  Then on his first birthday she gave me a log of all of the miles she had written down running for him.  It was the most unique thing I had ever heard of.  And now more than ever it means so much to me.  So Saturday I will have to look up and smile remembering how she swore she would win the race, but I will not be able to tell her I will win for her LOL.  You can guarantee I will be walking with her on my mind as well as Braxton though! 

LOVE YOU AUNT TEEN!  HOLD MY SWEET BOY TIGHT FOR ME TILL I CAN BE WITH YA'LL AGAIN ONE DAY!

Broken Together

The other day I wrote about me having a breakdown.  Well today while driving to work this song came on and I instantly started crying.  It spoke right too me.  Brent and I have been through a lot of things in the past 9 years.  Some I wish we could redo and try again, but we have never given up and continued to grow.  And even through the most painful and hateful times we somehow continued on.  And the more I thought about it even though so much of each of us is broken in many ways.....  if two broken parts are put together it is complete!

What do you think about when you look at me

I know we're not the fairytale you dreamed we'd be

You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand

And we dove into a mystery

How I wish we could go back to simpler times

Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light

Now on the hallowed ground, we've drawn the battle lines

Will we make it through the night

It's going to take much more than promises this time

Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete

Could we just be broken together

If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine

Could healing still be spoken and save us

The only way we'll last forever is broken together

How it must have been so lonely by my side

We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind

I'm praying God will help our broken hearts align

And we won't give up the fight

It's going to take much more than promises this time

Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete

Could we just be broken together

If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine

Could healing still be spoken and save us

The only way we'll last forever is broken together

A Day At The Zoo

We got to go to wonderful birthday party at the zoo Saturday morning.  It was overcast so the weather was great not to hot for once.  It amazes me how the simplest things or activities can show how truly different Leighton & Jean Paul are.  Their personalities are polar opposite and I love watching them try and mesh them together lol.  For instance Leighton could care less what kind of cake and ice cream are being served she was asking where the chips and dip were ( I'm guilty for loving that too ).  But honestly she didn't even take a bite of the cake or the ice cream and it didn't phase her one bit.  She also was more entertained by Hayden, the birthday boy, trying to blow out the candles while everyone was still singing.  And as she stated it "he didn't wait his turn to blow them out on time!"  Whereas Jean Paul not only ate his piece of cake he practically ate his sisters piece that she never touched.  And the funny part is that he would of finished both of completely if I wouldn't of told Brent to take it away LOL.  Oh and while everyone was singing Jean Paul never even knew.  He was to busy trying to open the diaper bag saying "SNACK SNACK" as if I hadn't just let him devour cake!  Next while looking at all the animals you could hear Leighton squeal a mile away before we would even be up to the the fence of an animal.  She was so giddy it was adorable.  And it was even cuter to see her run back to get Jean Paul and tell him to come see each animal one by one.  And there was Jean Paul "turtle" just living up to his name strolling on through the zoo like we had hours to spend there.  No hurry at all.  And you could tell in his face he was amazed by the animals but never did he show the reaction Leighton did.  Complete opposites!!  Then came the giraffes.  Leighton was so proud to tell us that the giraffe is known for his long neck, but as we were approaching them we could see one was allowing everyone to pet it.  Nope she was perfectly fine watching from afar.  No interest at all to touch it.  But guess who did!  Yep Jean Paul went right up close and even touched it.  I was in shock.  Not really because he wanted to touch it, but just because he was not scared at all.  I mean a giraffe is huge, especially to a 1 year old.

The whole morning was so fun watching them enjoy all the animals and being able to be there as a family.  They are at the perfect ages to enjoy the zoo and I was actually very surprised how it was fitting for both of their ages.  Good clean fun..... Well Leighton disagreed with the clean part.  The whole second half of the party she walked around with her nose plugged and loudly let everyone know that the smell was not her it was from the animals!!!

Monday Again???

WOOHOO

IT'S MONDAY!

SAID NO-ONE,

EVER!

Hoping your Monday started off a little easier than Leighton's did LOL!

We Believe In Angels

Yesterday was a very special day for Leighton Rose.  Her Poorain & Ney Ney took her shopping for her flower girl dress she will wear in their wedding next March.  They took the time to make the event all about her and it meant so much to me when I saw the smile on Leighton's face as she was being treated like a Princess.  She lit up every single time she put on another dress and saw herself in the mirror.  She was so giddy and excited she didn't know what to do with herself.  Other groups of ladies were smiling along with us as she performed in the bridal shop.  When it was time to leave Leighton pulled me over to a set of manequins dressed as a bride and groom and pointed to the groom dressed in a full tuxedo and said:

"See Mommy that is what the Conductor Man wears!'

I immediatley got chills becuase this was her trying to prove to me the story she had told me only two weeks ago was true.  She has been having a visitor teaching her all about music from what she told me and I knew exactly who she was talking about.

TWO WEEKS AGO:

Leighton, Jean Paul and I were all sitting in Leighton's room on a Saturday playing together.  Jean Paul was playing with the wooden puzzles while Leighton had me helping her look for the second drum stick that goes with their play drum set.  I tried to tell her it was ok to play with just one stick but she was not having any of that.  She insisited that she needed both.  I even tried to persuade her to use the end of a wooden spoon as a replacement for the other drum stick, but that still was not good enough for her.  Finally I decided to ask her why this was so important to her.

Me:  Leighton why do you need both drumsticks baby?  You don't even have the drum set out to play with.

Leighton:  Because Mommy I need to be your "Conductor"

Me:  My Conductor?  Like a train conductor?

Leighton:  No Mommy, a Music Conductor!

Me:  How do you even know what a Music Conductor is Leighton?

Leighton:  Bubba's friend in heaven taught me!

Me:  Oh well that is so nice of Bubba's friend.

Once we found the second stick she went on to show me what the Conductor Man had taught her.  And for over 30 minutes she made me sing and play her xylophone as she conducted me.  It was precious to see her waving the sticks and tell me this means stop and this means to keep playing.  It took everything I had to fight back the tears because I knew exactly who she was talking about "Mr Jamie Cappel!"  He was a man who my brother and I considered a second Dad.  The Cappel's lived across the street from us all of our lives.  Our families did practically everything together.  As kids we were always together and have stayed close ever since.  My parents have traveled with them and as each of us kids gets married and has kids we have all been included in each others events.  There is not to many memories I have of growing up that do not include the Cappel's in them.  And boy are they some good memories.  My Dad was always the one to expose us to fun and exciting indoor things and Mr. Jamie was always the one to show us and teach us the outdoor things.  And even though he loved being on the water and outdoors his true passion was music.  He managed the music store in town, taught band camps and played in an amazing band for countless gigs.  My Dad would be out late coordinating weddings and Mr. Jamie would drive up just as late from playing music at those weddings.  It was like we had the best of both worlds because although our families were so different we blended together perfectly.
With all the special moments I shared with him a few stand out.

- him teaching me how to knee board and staying out on the water for as long as we all wanted to practice
- him letting us wash and play in the boat for hours as it sat in their driveway after a long weekend on the water
- him never getting tired of eating rice and gravy that Mrs. Tina cooked for him almost daily
- him sitting at the piano in their front room for hours playing song after song
- him always being so excited each summer to teach the young kids at band camp
- him never raising his voice to us..... EVER that I can remember
- him dancing with me at my engagement announcement party and for the first time out loud him telling me he was proud of me (even though I have always known it in my heart)
- him playing for my wedding day and making sure every song I wanted was perfect
- on my wedding day after he played Brent & I's first dance him leaning over his instrument to give me a kiss
- when we learned of Braxton being sick him trying to face me without crying
- after Braxton passed him trying to find the words to tell me but he couldn't and he seemed to shy away from me, but I knew it was because he didn't know how to try and make it all better for me
- how from that moment on he hugged me in a whole new way every time he saw me, it was a little longer and a little tighter and it spoke all the words he couldn't say out loud
- when he was diagnosed with cancer how he was driven to overcome it
- when the cancer attacked harder and now it was my turn to tell him what he meant to me but I couldn't find the words, but he understood why.

The list is endless but I could never speak of him enough to explain how amazing he was to my family. Standing outside at the cemetery as we laid him to rest I remember Brent telling Ross (his son) that finally he was with our Braxton in heaven free of pain.  And that was beyond Brent's normal comfort level so I knew he believed that was exactly where he was just as I did.  So when Leighton told me of the Conductor Man that was Bubba's friend in heaven I knew she had no way of just making this up.  When I told my Mom the very next day of Leighton's visitor she immediately had tears in her eyes and said to me "Do you know today is the anniversary of the day Mr. Jamie entered heaven?"  We both had chills now.  I truly believe in angels and I believe even more they visit children because of their innocence.  And when Leighton pointed to that mannequin in the tux at the bridal shop I believed it even more.  How would she know that a Conductor Man dresses in a black tux?  It's because he visited her and is teaching her all the things he taught us that's how!  I pray he continues to teach her always.  But more than ever I now have this beautiful image of him dressed to the nines in his black tuxedo standing on the clouds in heaven teaching all of the baby angels how music is made.  It isn't to far fetched because it is exactly what he loved to do here while we were blessed to be with him.  And I guarantee you my Braxton is on the front row with stars in his eyes in awe of him just as I was growing up.