2011 Our First & Last Christmas With Braxton

Time For Mommy To Decorate 

Every year Braxton gets his very own Christmas Tree and this year is no different!  May sound silly to some but it is something that is very special to me.  I can remember the very first year we had to celebrate Christmas without our sweet baby boy!  It was so drastically different from just one year before at Christmas time.  The year before I remember decorating my tree while Brent went to get his boat from his Dad's shop for a fishing trip the next day.  It was also the first year that the Cajuns were headed to the Superdome for the New Orleans Bowl.  As I tried to string the lights on the tree while shaking with excitement for the surprise I had for Brent when he got home.  I have never been good at keeping secrets when it comes to big surprises.  And this one was by far the biggest surprise of our lives.  When Brent pulled in the driveway he acted in true Brent fashion and took what felt like hours to finally make his way inside.  When he came around the corner into the living room he commented on the tree and how it was coming along nicely.  Then he glanced at the couch and said "Who is that present for?"  Nice and calmly I told him it was for him.  He of course started questioning why I had a gift for him 4 weeks before Christmas LOL.  I told him it was nothing big just something I got for him for the New Orleans Bowl since we were finally in a big game!  I will never forget him sitting on the couch opening the gift that held a red cajuns onesie that read " Rookie 1/2 " on the back.  Confused and dumbfounded he looked at me as tears fell down my face without speaking a word.  As he started to put the pieces together in his head I watched his whole body start to quiver as he quietly said "NO? NO? IT CAN'T BE?"  As I sobbed I told him"YES YES YES IT CAN!!!!"  I can still feel the pounding of my heart as I got to give my husband the best Christmas present in the world.... the news that we were finally pregnant.  You see the road at that point had not been easy for us in many ways.  At that time we had been married for 3 1/2 years and had tried for a good 2 years to get pregnant.  Many Dr. appointments and tests/procedures to find out what and why it was not happening for our family.  And then due to the strain of trying to get pregnant we then faced a long year of being drawn apart.  The heartache of wanting a baby so bad had brought out the bad in our relationship.  To the point of even separating because we did not know each other anymore.  This Christmas was literally only a month after we had decided to whole heartedly give "US" one more shot.  We didn't even have the baby talk in our relationship we were truly trying to just work on us.  But as they say "God was in control the whole time!"  Within minutes we had re-wrapped the onesie and headed out to share the news with both of our families.  I will never forget that night!  The tears, the excitement and the knowing that we were going to be ok was so powerful.  Little did we know that within months our whole world would be completely shattered.  As hard as it is to admit this was our last Christmas we would ever be this happy.  I am so grateful for God allowing us to not know what was coming, because that Christmas was so perfect for us.  Now looking back it was our first Christmas with Braxton but sadly it was unknowingly our last Christmas with him as well.  It was also the first time I would ever be allowed to see my husbands true surprise reaction when I shared we were pregnant but sadly it was unknowingly the last time I would ever get to truly announce a surprise pregnancy to him as well.  That Christmas was the first time I got to envision my baby being involved in our next year traditions but sadly it was unknowingly the last time that my vision would be a reality.  It was the first and the last for so many feelings and emotions.  And as I sit here and write this post I sadly have to admit it was the last time I ever felt the Christmas magic that I remember feeling as a child.  No Christmas will ever be the same when you have lost a child.  A piece of you is missing and lost forever.  That is when Braxton's Tree became a tradition for us.  Each year Brent picks a tree and brings it to the cemetery.  It is he and Braxton's thing and I will never try and take that from him.  At some point I receive a text with a picture letting me know my sweet boy has his tree.  At that time I pick a day to go and decorate it for him; that is my time with him.  And in the weeks leading up to Christmas friends and family bring him a special ornament and hang it on his tree.  Today I excitedly showed my close friend and coworker the picture of Braxton's tree being put up and we couldn't help but reminiscence.  The very first year he got his tree we were so naive with the whole process.  Now we can giggle about it but back then it was truly hard for me.  Every day I would go and check on his tree and almost everyday it was laying on the ground.  Then some days his lights would not work etc.  But I am proud to announce that now in 2017 we have perfected our skills and Braxton's tree will never be unlit or down again LOL.  New stand with anchors and sloar lights and all, nothing will stand in the way of my baby boys tree!  And like I said it may sound silly to some but to me it is a big deal.  I promised him he would always be involved in everything we do as a family and Christmas is no different!  So if you happen to be in Lafayette, LA at night in the month of December take a drive down University Street and when you see a little speck of colored lights shining from a cemetery that is my Braxton's tree!  Christmas may never be the same but each year the Christmas spirit slowly comes back as I get to watch Leighton and Jean Paul be involved in Braxton's Tree tradition.  Nothing compares to seeing the magic in their eyes because I know they get to experience that magic because of Braxton's life.  He was the ultimate Christmas gift in 2011 but he has since gifted us with 2 other miracles that I know he hand picked for us.

Movie Night

I will never understand how a blow up mattress in the living room can save the day LOL!  But for now I will not question it either!  Movie night to the rescue!!!!!

Day 2 Of Leighton's Surprise Trip

Sunday morning the 3 of us woke up without any alarm clock or kids crying lol.  As soon as Leighton opened her eyes she asked "is it time to leave the hotel already?"  Almost in tears she begged to stay and we told her we all still had to shower and watch cartoons and then when we were ready we had a special breakfast to take her too.  After breakfast we would come back to the hotel to tell it bye bye.  She bought that hook line and sinker and we all started getting ready for surprise day #2!  In between primping and watching cartoons Leighton got some work done, well she called a few people on the hotel phone (unplugged) and even took some very important notes too!  Then the 3 of us headed out for a New Orleans style breakfast.  She thought she was so fancy as we were seated at brunch with a band or the conductor man playing right at our table.  She got her very own Shirley Temple drink and ordered gumbo lol!  As we watched other families enjoying breakfast while juggling multiple kids we couldn't help but giggle.  It is so nice to go out as a family but it is also so exhausting at times too.  For the first time in a long time we got to just sit and talk to Leighton only.  No having to push her to the side or tell her to hold on for just a minute while we tend to Jean Paul.  I know all these things are normal and she is used to them but it is nice to let her know sometimes it is all about her... and that she deserves it to be that way sometimes too!
After breakfast sadly it was time to tell our hotel goodbye.  This is where we had a few tears from Leighton and she asked one last time if our driver would be back soon to pick us up lol.  Brent told her she would need to discuss the whole driver situation with her Pepa when we got back to Lafayette.  Well Pepa did not help matters at all when he started to tear up hearing his Leighton thought she was a real princess.  So there is no telling what he will tell her real life expectations should be like lol.  As we loaded up and she thought our adventure was over we told her Mommy and Daddy had one last surprise for her.  Excited as can be she sat in the back seat staring out the window watching to see where we were headed.  Oh but she did need to reapply lip gloss for the surprise she said!!  Finally we arrived at the theatre for the Peppa Pig Live show, but Leightlol.  Once she kind of understood that we were here to see the REAL PEPPA PIG she hurried us to our seats.  Well that was it now the excited little girl I had envisioned was here and ready to party.  Popcorn and light ups in hand we sat anxiously in our seats while Leighton asked every 30 seconds if Peppa was still getting dressed and if she was coming soon.  While we waited for the show to start we got a surprise message from Pepa (guess you are seeing how Grandpa was changed to Pepa now lol).  He called to tell us that after the show we were invited to the Meet And Greet with Peppa & George backstage!!!!!!!  Once again I can't blame Leighton for feeling like a Princess because this was the exact way I felt growing up.  It may be spoiled but my parents always found a way to make our dreams come true.  For the first time in my whole parenting life I felt what it felt like to see pure awe and excitement in my child's eyes.  In that moment I truly understood how my parents had always gone above and beyond to make my brother and my childhoods larger than life.  I literally thought I was going to cry because I was that excited to be able to experience this with my daughter.  The show was great Leighton was devastated at intermission while we tried to explain to her that it was only half way through lol.  And as she wiggled in her seat I realized she was so scared to miss something that she was frightened to get up and go to the bathroom.  As I hurried her to the restroom I was met by a mile long line of a million and one other kids and moms needing to pee in the 15 minute window they call intermission with 3 stalls thank you very much.  So how do you get a 3 year old to understand that she has to hold it and there is nothing you can do about it lol.  Mom lesson learned..... next time send child with Dad at intermission to pee because logically I'm sure that line was very short LOL.  Most Dad's were either asleep in their chairs or streaming the Saint's game during the show LOL!  So as the show started Leighton made me run back to our seats to be sure to catch it all!  After the show we headed back stage for the Meet and Greet!  Yep you guessed it once again the royal treatment, but honestly any of you who know my Dad.... would you have expected anything less????  By far this was the coolest Meet and Greet I have ever seen.  Games, puzzles, gummies and more all while we waited to take our picture with the Real Peppa Pig!!!  Of course my shy little girl wouldn't go alone, but Mom and Dad were just as excited to pose with her for a picture and as we walked away Leighton asked them to call her when they came back next time LOL.  And that was a wrap for our first ever surprise trip with our daughter.
on still did not know that's where we were.  As we walked in and she saw the souvenir table you could see the wheels turning in her head.  Of course silly me expected dramatic surprise reaction but should of known better because she is Brent's child too

An amazing little girl I learned alot more about this weekend:

- she talks alot more than I thought she did

- she truly seemed happy doing nothing expensive just being with us was pleasing to her

- jumping on a hotel bed ranks high on her fun list

- she does miss her baby brother when he isn't around 

- she is her Daddy's daughter in so many ways (she holds back until she is ready to do something)

- pizza in bed may be her new favorite treat

- she didn't ask for us to buy anything which made me super proud as a Mom

- she still requires a nap whether I want to push her through a long day or not

- we aren't quite ready for Disney lines and characters just yet

- her smile is worth a million bucks

- her time with us is precious and a blessing as she is growing up so fast

- she thinks having a driver is every girls normal routine

- lip gloss is a must for her dates with her Daddy

- snuggling is still her favorite thing to do with her parents

and most importantly that she will remember this trip as much as we will because nothing is more valuable than quality time with the ones you love!!

Day 1 Of Leighton's Surprise Trip

All Leighton knew was that she was getting to go on a surprise trip with Mommy and Daddy!  Her only question was if we were going to a hotel?  I honestly think we could of just stayed in the hotel the whole time and she would of thought that was the best surprise ever!  When she woke up in the car we were in New Orleans and the first words out of her mouth were "Wow look at all these hotels!"  First thing we did when we checked in was jump on the bed!  That is the number one rule about hotels per Maw Maw and Pepa and Leighton was sure to remind us that we could do it as much as we wanted lol.  After unpacking and watching some cartoons it was time for Mommy and Leighton to get ready for their date night with Daddy!  She was all about the makeup and primping let me tell you.  I never in a million years thought I would have a little girl, so getting to do these girly things with her is beyond awesome.  Once Daddy said we were pretty and he was ready to head to surprise #1 we headed out on the town.  This is were we may of messed up Leighton's reality of what real life is really like lol.  You see this was all of our first ever Uber experiences, and now Leighton is still waiting on "her driver" to come and pick her up anytime we say we are going somewhere.  Our first surprise destination was City Park another first for even Brent & I.  It was so much fun and even better with all the Christmas lights and decorations up.  As we walked around hand in hand with Leighton I was reminded of how long it has been since I actually got one on one time with her.  As much as we were all missing Jean Paul it was nice to just give her all of the attention and treat her to time with just us.  We rode the train and carousel with no worry about being rushed.  As crazy as that sounds that is something that is a huge gift to me.  I am someone who is always running in a million directions and I can not figure out how to say no and slow down and then in those moments I do get a brief pause to stop my mind doesn't.  So being miles away from any to do lists and focus a hundred percent on Leighton was a blessing.  Even if the lines were long and the crowd was thick it didn't matter we didn't have anywhere else to be and I wouldn't of wanted to be anywhere else anyway!  After City Park we headed back to our hotel for a pizza party.  In our pajamas Leighton and I watched a movie while we waited on our room service.  Finally Daddy delivered our pizza to us and we all three sat in bed and ate.  In between the giggles and smiles we ate.  With towels covering the blankets we acted like we were on top of the world.  Pizza with our girl was the best way to top of our first day of Leighton's Surprise Trip.  And after we turned out the lights and snuggled while we finished our movie Leighton said "I very miss Jean Paul!'  How does your heart not melt.  As much as they pick at each other and go back and forth all day long she felt lost without him.  I told her how much I missed him too and that one day soon Jean Paul would get his own special trip but this time it was all about her.  As we laid there she told me how much she loved me and I watched her as she fell asleep.  After Brent and her were fast asleep I slipped into the bathroom to have a moment to myself.  This is where I let it all out.  The tears would not stop but for the first time in a long time I was sobbing because I was happier than I ever thought I would be.  I never in a million years thought I could physically or emotionally be this tired and then be this happy to be this tired lol.  I don't think Leighton will ever truly understand how much she means to me or how much she truly saved me.  I am still amazed that she is mine and forever grateful to be hers.  When I slipped back into bed I picked her up and laid her on me to hold her.  I didn't care if she woke up it was what I wanted and more than that it is what I needed.  I know I slept with a smile on my face all night as I thanked God for trusting me with her and thinking of the surprise that was coming for Day #2 of Leighton's Surprise Trip!!!

And Thats's A Wrap

Well what an amazing weekend we had with our little girl!  We took her to New Orleans for a surprise weekend getaway!  It was way past time for us to give her some undivided attention from Mommy and Daddy!  You always plan on doing it but with life and work and everything else time just slips away from you.  This weekend was not only great for Leighton it was great for Brent and I too!  There were a million and one things we could of been accomplishing at home but instead we left them there because in reality those things will all still be there when we get home.  And if I'm being completely honest I would of never finished everything I had on my to do list anyway lol!  So even though we are sitting in bumper to bumper traffic trying to get back to Lafayette it was worth it!  I can't wait to go through all the pics tomorrow and post about our trip!

She Loves Her Brothers

Today we woke Leighton up and told her we were packing our bags for a surprise trip just her, Mommy and Daddy!!!  She is perfectly content with knowing we are going to a big hotel in New Orleans and hasn't asked to do anything else lol.  She has no idea that once we get there we have lots of fun things planned for her!!!!  Before we could leave we had to bring Jean Paul to stay with Maw Maw, because he is to small for the surprise trip she said.  I am already feeling so guilty for leaving Jean Paul behind but I truly believe sometimes each kid needs special time with their parents!  But before we left she gave Maw Maw one of his favorite toys and told her to give it to him if he cries for his sister.  And then she went outside and picked a flower to put by Braxton's picture like Maw Maw does!  Made my heart so happy and proud to see her doing loving things for both of her brothers!!  I know she adores then both but it sure is amazing to watch her show it.

Lions And Tigers And Bears Oh My

Today my babies got to go to the zoo with Mimi & Popa!!  They saw lots of animals and even got to ride the train!  Well Leighton and Mimi rode the train while Jean Paul and Popa played on the playground.  Once again there favorite animal to see was the giraffe.  And it seems the icees are still the main necessity when at the zoo lol.  Leighton got to pick out a stuffed animal at the zoo store as she calls it and she has not put it down.  I am so happy they got to have a special day with their Grandparents.  Not only are they spoiled beyond reason but they are also loved way more than we could ever ask for.  Leighton is already planning her next date with them LOL.  Seeing the pics and videos while they were there surely made me smile!  When you can see the happiness in your kids eyes and hear it in their giggles you can't help but be happy!

Thankful

Thankful for the many blessings my family has been blessed with this year!

Grief Will Not Win Over Gratitde

Tomorrow truly starts the holiday season for so many people.  For a grieving mother it starts so much more.  The holiday season has always been one of my favorite times of year, but it also is now one of the hardest times of the year for me.  I have more than I could ever ask for, yet still feel so empty for what I have had to let go.  These feelings and emotions are so real for not only grieving mothers, but for everyone who is missing someone special to them during the holidays.  So my prayer tonight is for everyone of us to start tomorrow off truly seeing the many blessings in our lives.  And through the heartache and tears of having to go through another holiday without the ones we miss we try and find the happiness in what we do have.  For me that happiness is my friends, my family, my kids and the 9 months and 7 amazing hours I was blessed to be with my son Braxton.  My Thanksgiving sadly will begin with a trip to the cemetery for us to have some time with our baby in spirit, but tomorrow I vow to view it as visit with my husband and kids that I am grateful to be allowed to share with them.  We will bring him one more pumpkin and let the kids tell him what they are thankful for this Thanksgiving and then do our best Gobble Gobble sounds since it has always been Leighton's favorite part of her Turkey Day visit with her Bubba!  Before we leave we will stand together as a family to say a prayer and one by one each of us will tell him we love him.  Then as always Brent will begin to walk the kids back down the path from Our Sweet Boys grave to the car to give me a moment to have with just my baby and me.  As he loads them in the car I will say the same thing to him that I do every year and try and wipe my tears before I head to the car myself.  As always once we are pulling away we will all scream "We love you Bubba!"  And then finally we will head to our family Thanksgiving events one by one throughout the day.  

This I know is not how most families start their holiday season but it is how we do it.  It is our tradition and it brings joy to our hearts and for that I am grateful.  

And as the day goes on we will be surrounded by family and laughter even though our hearts will still have hurt and pain tugging on them.  But without that pain we would never know the love that we have and for that I am grateful.  

And even though I get to spend tomorrow with two of my children I will still miss the one I don't get to be with. But without losing one the other two would never exist and for that I am grateful. 

Tomorrow I will not allow grief to win and every time I feel it sneaking up I will conquer it with how that pain in that moment has made me grateful!

GRATITUDE

HELPS US SEE WHAT IS THERE 

INSTEAD OF WHAT ISN'T.

The Change Jar

Ever since I was a little girl my parents have kept a change jar in their closet!  Don't know why but it is one of the memories I have!  Never any jar in particular just something that could hold the coins!  My Dad worked nights most of the years my brother and I were growing up and when he didn't he still worked until after we got home and finished homework etc.  So it was always a big production when he came home and most who know him know he can make an entrance lol.  But for us we always knew it was him by the double honk of the car horn when he pulled in the carport followed by him tossing his keys on the china cabinet that sat next to the kitchen door and in his best John O voice saying "Honey I'm Hommmmeeeeeee!"  About that time we all would run from wherever we were in the house to greet him.  No joke every night you would swear we were more excited than the night before for Dad to get home.  After the grand entrance was done Dad would shake his hands in his pockets to let us know he had change in them.  Robert and I would run to see who could get it first and be the one to put it in the change jar.  As the years went on Mom and Dad upgraded the jars to bigger and better and even told us one time if we could fill the whole thing we could afford a trip to Disney!  So guess what we did? We filled it and went to Disney lol and we honestly believed that the change in the big jar shaped like a giant Coke bottle paid our way lol!  Also through the years I remember every time someone close to us had a baby Mom would stand in the closet picking through the change jar collecting just the quarters.  She would then roll them in the paper rolls that the bank used and place them in a ziplock bag for the the new Daddy to be with a note telling him....Congrats and that these rolls of quarters were for him to use on the long hospital nights at the vending machine!  Nothing big just something special and useful!!!!  Well still today years later there is a change jar in my parents closet because my Daddy still comes home everyday with his pockets full for my Mom! It has and always will be an unspoken sign of "what's yours is mine" to me!   Seems so crazy to me in today's world lol as I myself will charge 33 cents on my debit card for a large ice water at sonic because I never have any change.  And let me tell you when my Dad sees me doing that it DRIVES HIM CRAZY!  Just another little thing that shows how much things have changed in the way we live and operate in our now electronic world.  But there is something comforting knowing that no matter where I am if my Daddy is there I can always count on him for change!!!!!!  And now their grandkids love filling the change jar in Maw Maw and Pepa's closet!!!  Another tradition I get to see my kids enjoy just as much as I did growing up, a tradition I never knew meant so much till I saw them get just as excited to hear the sound of change jingle!!!!

The Holidays Have Begun

Well it is one of the most anticipated weeks of the year for Leighton Rose...... it's Maw Maw week!  Each year the daycare closes the whole week of Thanksgiving and Leighton waits to spend the entire week at Maw Maw's.  I mean who wouldn't love being spoiled all hours of the day!!!  So this week is the official week that kicks of the holidays for us!  We sang Christmas songs the whole way there and even watched Polar Express today too!  Their morning started with books read by Pepa before he headed to work while Maw Maw made them breakfast!  Then all day long I got pics of Leighton changing once again into another outfit, or should I call it costume?  I am still trying to figure out her style?  But I guess if Maw Maw never tells you no then there is no telling what she will end up wearing next LOL!!!!  Pepa even came home early with Icee's for a midday treat.  Best part of the day is getting back to my babies and seeing them with the biggest smiles on their little faces.  They are already talking about what they are going to do tomorrow when the go to Maw Maw's!!  Naps are even fun there???  Don't know how my Mom does it but she definitely does it right!  Secretly wish I could stay with them at Maw Maw's all week too!!!

Hot Mess Express

While cleaning today Leighton came strolling by me like this and informed me she was leaving for work!!

I know my face was the look of shock as I just stood there:

 1) trying not to laugh

2) trying not to ask her where she worked LOL

I mean when I go to work I am scrubs so it makes me wonder what she thinks I truly wear.  As she passed me still clacking all the way down the hall in her plastic high heels, purse and sunglasses I could not hold in the laugh anymore.  I ran around the corner before busting laughing out loud.  And as soon as I pulled myself back together of course I told her to come take a pic.  Children's imaginations are so amazing.  Although I do believe they copy cat most of what the see while playing pretend!  She did make me so proud as she pretended Jean Paul was her baby and was dropping him off at daycare before work telling him " don't worry Jean Paul I promise I will be right back after work!"  She kissed him on the head and said "Mommy would never leave you!"  My heart melted because it is what we have always told her.  I absolutely hate leaving my babies every single day but I love knowing she completely trusts me when I do have to leave her.  Now for the work attire we will work on that as she gets older lol, but for now I'm gonna let her rock the Hot Mess Express look, cause if we are being honest isn't that what most of us working Mom's feel like every single day!!!!!!

Good Ole Saturday

There is nothing like a good ole Louisiana Saturday home game with good friends!!!

She's For Sure My Daughter

There is no denying it now lol.  Leighton Rose may look like her Daddy but she is my daughter for sure personality wise!  Last night I noticed Leighton's baby doll Shelley was tucked in on the couch but when I peaked under the blanket she did not have any clothes on??  So when I asked Leighton why Shelley was without clothes she answered me very matter of fact with:

Leighton:  Because the Cajuns B-ball game isn't till Saturday Mommy.  So she is resting; I laid her cheerleader outfit out for her so it will be ready.

Me:  Oh well now I see that and I am so proud of you.

Leighton:  UMMMMMMMM Mommy are you forgetting something?

Me:  UMMMMMMMM I don't think I am, am I?

Leighton:  You didn't iron it before I laid it out for Shelley!!!!!

Well there you go that's my girl.  I guess they do watch every little thing you do LOL.  I am a little neurotic about ironing my kids clothes and I admit I do love when a fresh crisp outfit is laid out on the couch ready for them when they wake up!!!   GUILTY!  As I got tickled hearing her say that I look over at Brent as he rolls his eyes and lets out a big "OH LORD!"  So tonight as I am ironing Leighton and Jean Paul's outfits for the Cajuns game tomorrow I will be sure to iron Shelley's too!  And I will do it proudly even though my friends tease me constantly about it LOL.  I can't like it comes honestly because my Mom has been known to iron pajamas, pillow cases and even sheets!!!!!  So I get it from my Momma and apparently Leighton is slowly getting it from her Momma!!

Daily Pics

So if you know me and my family at all then you know we are extremely close.  It's just who we are and who we have always been.  Ever since the day I brought Leighton home my Mom, Dad and Brother have required a daily morning pic and it has continued on even still today almost 4 years later.  Some days are a little challenging but they still get one even if it shows the morning tears or the pic is blurry cause one of the kids just wont stay still long enough for me to snap the pic.  Each morning the pic is followed by good mornings and updates about what we will each be doing that day.  I honestly do not know what I would do without these daily texts because they mean so much to me!!!  Well as always this morning they got their daily pic but this time I couldn't help from laughing as it truly captured both of the kids personalities perfectly!  Leighton, Miss Priss always posing with her sassy self and Jean Paul, constantly worried about anything that has to do with nutrition LOL.  Anytime he has milk he plays with his hair no matter what.  So much that we are a little worried if he keeps it up he will end up bald like his Pepa!  But the most exciting thing about today's daily pic to the family is that Mom succeeded in getting them both in the one shot LOL.  Don't know how we would manage to stay in touch without our iPhone's because between texting pics and face time we are able to share so much!!  So this Momma is begging for a new phone from Santa due to the fact that there is no room on the one I have now and how will I ever keep up our daily pic tradition if I don't have room on my phone to take pics??????

Dancing Queen

Leighton's First Day of Dancing - 2017 @ age 3
Mommy's First Day of Dancing - 1984 @ age 3

Well this Momma is beyond proud.  Tonight we got to see a little of what our dancing queen has been learning at dance class so far.  She has come so far in just a few short months and seems to be leaving her stage fright behind.  The timid little girl who would only sit and watch the others girls dance this summer is now front and center and loving it.  Learning to let her grow on her own was not easy for me but I can tell you I know it was exactly what she needed.  The moment I stopped stressing and making such a big deal about her not wanting to participate and let her go at her own pace is when she started to blossom.  My cheeks actually hurt from smiling so much while watching her dance today.  I may have been just as excited as she was if not more lol.  And I am just as excited to watch her grow more and more.  I never truly understood how wonderful it was to see your child do something they enjoy and love.  I pray she always has love in her heart for anything and everything she wants to try in life, because I will always be here to support her.  

This is only the beginning Leighton Rose..... 

I can't wait to watch you do amazing things for many many years!!!!

I Just Might Lose It

Ever have those days where you feel like you just might lose your S**t????  Well I am just about there.  Crazy thing is I don't think I should have to lose it just to be seen lol.  I think most women can relate, well at least I hope they can cause then it makes me feel like I am a little less crazy lol.  

Yes I work, 

 Yes I have side hobby that I am trying to expand into work, 

Yes I am trying to raise 2 kids, 

Yes my husband works 2 jobs, 

Yes I wish I could admit I had it all figured out.  

But the truth is I don't.  

Most days I feel like I am drowning.  And while I am trying to figure out how to raise my kids so they will be normal human beings in today's crazy world with literally only a few hours with them each day I am secretly wishing someone noticed.  I selfishly want to be noticed and I mean by the one person I feel like should see day in and day out how hard I am trying.   I know that is wrong to say out loud.  But why does something as simple as unloading the dishwasher, switching the clothes to the dryer, bathing the kids or even vacuuming every now and then require a "Good Job" or "Thank You" when my husband does it?  And sometimes I even pull out the over enthusiastic "Wow that helps me so much I can't thank you enough!"  So along with a 1 year old and 3 year old that I am rewarding/praising for good behavior  I also have to for a 37 year old too.  AHHHHHHHHHH wait for itttttttt..........  I am so tired LOL.  And yes it may be slightly my fault because it was just he and I for years so I had a little more time and energy to devote to praising him.  But realistically I don't believe in rewarding my kids for actions that should be done much less for a grown adult after he does something most would consider universally understood as expected.  I don't mean to sound harsh but I am honestly trying to find any advice on how to wake him up without having to slap him across the face (And no I don't mean that literally LOL).  I have heard oh you have to train them blah blah blah but wowsers get it together Geez lol.  I love him more than I can explain but some days I want to scream please look at me, me the girl you married because you liked me.  Or maybe we aren't supposed to like each other that much during these stressful years of raising young kids.  We do love each other by all means but lately we are just at each others throats most of the time.  And honestly its mostly because we are both exhausted.  I just wish sometimes he could recognize that I am just as tired as he is, we are a team and we need to remember that.  Maybe its just time for a little time together to regroup, but when will we ever find time for that LOL.  So to the woman who pretty much has convinced herself you can't doing anything right lately I hear ya sis!  And if you need to vent come sit next to me LOL.  But bring the wine if you do!!!!  

It is life and it is hard but tomorrow I will just get up and start over and try harder, because that's what women do.  We will never be good enough in our own eyes since we are always hardest on ourselves.  And at the end of the day I do know I am loved and lucky.  I just selfishly want to hear it sometimes!!

SO BREATHTAKING

I KNOW HEAVEN

IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE

BECAUSE

THEY'VE GOT

YOU!

His Smell

Small things can trigger a 

fresh wave of grief...

as smell, a look or perhaps

a song... within seconds

you are flung into a 

time machine and are

transported back to that 

"moment" when time stood

still, and the world had

crashed at your feet

Great weekend great memories and then I do night time routine but for some reason lose it.  Yep every single night after my bath I do the same thing over and over.  I apply the same lotion every single night that I have for over 5 years.   It is also the same exact lotion that I apply if I shower in the morning or even if for some random reason I get to shower during the day.  The point is no matter when or where this bottle travels with me and this is in my routine no matter what.  Just like any other woman you have met we have a schedule and we like to stick to it.  Well I have not been secretive in the fact that I am beyond OCD so you can imagine I have many schedules and routines that I follow and stick too.  With that being said this one is very crucial to me.  I was beyond lost when I came home from the hospital after the birth of my first child, but without a child in my arms.  I didn't even know what others perceived me as much less what to call myself.  I can remember day after day literally putting one foot j front of the other just to crawl out of bed.  But no matter how hard each day was I still kept my routine and it always included this baby lotion.  Almost 6 years later it actually seems silly as I know have a 6-7 step routine in my daily regimen but I'm trying not to age faster than I have too right lol!!!!!  No matter if my process turns into 20-30 steps or more I will always continue one for sure.  It is true when they say a smell can bring you back to an exact moment.  This smell always has and always will.  My sweet baby had just taken his last breaths and my nurse / an angel sent to me for many reasons informed me it was bath time.  I remember thinking this was beyond normal but now looking back and having more babies knowing it was a gift greater than any gift I deserved.  As a mother of a baby who was beyond sick I didn't know the rules.  And even if there weren't rules or guidelines put into place there should be now.  That bath was more meaningful than I can ever explain.  Fallon, our nurse, quietly approached my bedside and let me know it was time to bathe our sweet boy if we wished.  I can remember my husband glancing at me almost for permission and it was the first time I realized he would never let a memory be made without me. I had never been in this situation and more honestly I did not want to be here and more than ever I did not want to make anymore life deciding decisions.  Next I remember Brent letting me know they had asked him if he wanted to help with Braxton's first bath.  In what I can only describe as a fog I told him of course but please make sure the photographer is there.  Looking back it has to be motherly instinct making sure things are taken care of because now I do not know what I would do without the pictures I have documenting my Braxton's Birthday!  There are many things that stick out as I recall that memory.  But more than anything I can remember the sweetest person guiding my husband every step of the way as he bathed his son, a son that was no longer with us.  But in that moment that did not matter.  This man who till today is still beyond timid and still has to rehearse his thoughts if he is going to compliment me was strong and beyond frightful.  You would of sworn he had done this many times before.  Through all the years I had known him he never held a newborn due to being scared of hurting the fragile little one.  But in this moment I didn't see a scared man or someone who was learning something for the first time, instead I saw a man and his son.  A man that knew he needed to soak up every minute of this time because it was one of the last times he would get it.  My quiet, shy and stand back husband was taking charge and owning this moment.  And for once I couldn't say anything because when it matter most he stepped up.  In that first bath we discovered a birth mark that come to find out every single one of our babies holds in the same exact place and the same exact pattern.  I could bore you for hours with the memories I have of that first and only bath, but the most vivid is my husband applying the pink Johnson & Johnson baby lotion on Braxton.  In a very routine way I can still see Fallon passing him the bottle of pink lotion and silently mouthing to him to apply it all over Braxton.  As I watched my husband lather Braxton without knowing this smell and this moment would be etched forever in my brain I can also see out of the corner of my eye him glance at Fallon, our nurse, out of the corner of his eye.  That glance was a moment of needing reassurance and guidance if I have ever seen one.  Fallon nodded in a way I will never understand giving my husband, a new Daddy, the confidence to continue on.  You see it takes a beyond special person that knows how to guide a husband of a lost child.  Not only has this man just lost a child he has also gained a lifelong battle of personal grief along with a wife  who carries more grief than he can ever imagine.  Brent has since told me that the glances Fallon gave him were more than simple steps.  Each nod was a nudge pushing him and whispering "she needs you as much as Braxton needs you."  She warned him it wouldn't be easy in just a few glances, but she also let him know she was with him every step of the way.  And still today that is true.  I can be silently or outwardly struggling and Brent will ask me have you talked to Fallon lately?  And I know he knows I need my friend.  And for a man of few words I also know that was their agreement.  They not only agreed but promised Braxton and each other in just one look to always take care of me and for that I am always grateful.  A few months after losing Braxton I can remember telling my Mom my small pink bottle of baby lotion from the hospital was almost empty.  As I sobbed wondering how would I ever remember him without his smell this big bottle arrived at my house.  My Aunt Jonette sent it knowing the smell was what triggered my happy memory of Braxton.  This is the same exact bottle I received over 5 years ago and has been refilled 3 times.  It has never completely gone empty so that I can keep some of the original bottle mixed with the new.  This smell will always bring me back to that day.  Even when life has gotten crazy and Satan has tried to take over this smell is the reminder of God's Grace.  That smell is more than a scent, it is his face, his touch, his warmth and more than anything his Love.  The love I will feel again no matter what!  I still apply it every morning and I still apply it on my babies after every bath.  Heaven is for Real and the day I am graced with God's Glory I know I will smell this scent.  It will not only be because my baby will be in my arms again, but it will be proof that this was his plan...... 

no matter oh hard it has been!

Spoiled

When you go to your Nanny's you get to watch your favorite movie in style!!!!!  SPOILED ROTTEN!  So glad we got to spend some time together today!  The kids are so excited to have a slumber party with their cousins!!!

"A cousin is a ready made friend!"

Well That Didn't Last Long

Well yesterdays happiness in the morning that I bragged about did not repeat itself this morning!!!  Nope full of whines and tears bright and early this morning.  I couldn't do anything right.  I honestly wanted to cry myself.  Especially when your husband wakes you up on the couch sharing the tiniest baby blanket we own with your daughter.  Then when he asks "Why are ya'll one the couch" I almost throat punched him lol.  Shouldn't you be asking yourself "Why didn't I hear anything that went on last night?  Or man when I heard all the commotion last night I should of gotten up to help my wife?"  LOL.  All I could do was look back at him because if I opened my mouth no telling what would of come out.  But we survived lol.  And before they left they seemed somewhat happy I think?????  They looked cute in their UL red so that was a plus.  Guess I can't expect happiness every morning Right???  But it sure does make me appreciate the few ones that do happen!

Happy Babies This Morning

Most mornings are beyond rushed in our house lol.  Then the few times we are ahead of schedule someone usually decides to wake up on the wrong side of the bed whining.  Whether it's the way I did Leigbton's hair or the sippy cup Brent put milk in for Jean Paul we mess it up somehow, someway in their eyes.  Like seriously how can the color of a ponytail holder ruin your morning, and it's hidden under a bow too I must add.  Which means no one will see it and unless Leighton grows eyes behind her head she will not see it all day long either.  And don't you dare open the kitchen cabinet in front of Jean Paul because then poor baby has overload of choice distraction lol.  And lord knows we have a ton of sippy cups.  So we have learned to pour the milk and have it ready on the counter all by itself.  No distraction and he just takes it no drama!!!!  Then we have those mornings that everything just flows..... Like maybe once a month!!!  And we love those mornings.  Today was one of those lucky ones!!!  Jean Paul was all smiles and saying cheese ready for his pic and Leighton was super proud that she finally completed her Big Girl Night Time Potty sticker chart!!!!!  Ohhhhh how I didn't even want to send them to school this morning because we were just having that perfect of a morning!  But knowing I had to I sent them on there way.  But not before both were almost to the end of the driveway and turned completely around to run back to give one more kiss to Mommy.  And that was the icing on the cake for me!!!!!  I love happy mornings so much!!!

 

Braxton Welcomed His Great Grandmother Into Heaven

It is never easy losing a loved one.  Even when they have had a long full life doesn't seem to make it any less painful.  Yesterday my kids lost a Great Grandmother, I lost a Grandmother In Law, my husband lost a Grandmother and my Mother In Law lost a Mother.  Knowing she got to be all of this and a Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Wife and so much more in her lifetime brings a smile to my face.  I can only pray I get to be most of these things in my lifetime.  I still remember the first time I ever met her with Brent's family at her house in Baton Rouge years ago.  Apparently Brent didn't bring many girls to meet his Grandparents as we caught her by surprise when I walked in with them that day lol.  She was so cute as she ran to the kitchen embarrassed that she did not have a gift for me.  She dug frantically in one of her kitchen drawers and handed me her own garlic press and said please take this.  I told her it was ok she didn't have to give me anything I was just as happy being able to meet her finally.  She insisted as most Grandmothers do and explained she had at least ten more garlic presses stashed away and wanted me to have this one!  A couple of months ago Brent and I did a major decluttering of our house and found that garlic press.  I couldn't bring myself to throw it away so we put it aside to give to Mrs Phyllis, my Mother In Law, in case she wanted it!  Through the years I have learned a lot about Mrs Menard through spending time with the family and from stories they have told.  I can tell you she was a strong willed woman, an avid dog lover, a baby adorer and devoted Mother and Wife.  My favorite personality trait I saw in her was her ability to get her way, it was evident even on the first day I met her.  I still giggle remembering her pick at Mr Menard whether it be how he let the dogs out wrong or how he didn't react fast enough to her conversation.  The main reason this tickles me so much is because I knew I was looking at Brent and I in a mirror.  She would speak and her husband would bicker under his breath but quietly and calmly always abide to her requests, which was the sweetest thing ever to me.  I know this sounds like a lot of married couples as they age, but they got to do it for many many years which is a blessing in its own.  When I hear the lifetime of stories they have gone through together I am extremely moved knowing the love and dedication they must have put into each other and their family over the years.  A wife of a man in the service was extremely hard as I can imagine it still is today.  But knowing there was no way of communicating the way we do now shows such the purest love story in my eyes.  Let alone the normal challenges a woman faces in everyday life.  We have known for quite some time that the end was nearing, but yesterday we learned that it may only be hours before she was welcomed into heaven.  I was brought to tears when I opened my text to see her frail body peacefully waiting for God to call her home.  As I looked at the picture more tears began to fall as I saw Braxton's picture posted next to her hoping to comfort her as he was waiting to meet her.  My Mother In Law has always had a very intimate relationship with Braxton, yet private.  She shares alot with me when she feels the timing is right, but she carries a closeness with her Angel Grandson all to herself which is so special to me.  Right away when she told me she knew Braxton was standing with Grandpa waiting to welcome her at Heaven's Gates I noticed my sweet boys picture.  It is the favorite picture still in Mrs Phyllis heart, because it is a picture that was taken while she was holding him and he was staring right into her eyes.  Almost like he was memorizing her face for all of eternity.  So as a family we all know in our hearts he did meet her when she entered God's home yesterday and for that reason we feel she was not scared at all.  We also had to giggle thinking she was holding him constantly, fussing because he did not have socks on his little feet and most likely feeding him mentos by the dozen!!!  I pray my in laws know that I love them and hurt for them in this time.  It is never easy to say goodbye even when we know it is time.  We may not all see each other as much as we may like, but family is family and that is a fact.  And if others can't see it by simply knowing the Menard's and seeing them continue through life together hand in hand, through sickness and in health and till their final days then they are not meant to understand what family truly means.  But we get it and that's what matters most!

 

Goodbyes Are Hard

Goodbyes 

are not forever.

Goodbyes

are not the end.

They simply mean

I'll miss you,

until we

meet again!

Another sign from our sweet boy that he is waiting at Heaven's gates to meet our loved ones.  Please keep my Husband's family in your prayers tonight as they prepare to say goodbye to a very special loved one.

Teaching Maw Maw To Count

Some days Maw Maw just can't stay away!  But we never complain on those days lol.  The kids were a little bummed to not even be home from school and work before it turned dark tonight.  Leighton was extremely confused and even asked why I was so late.  Poor thing couldn't understand why we didn't have the normal outside time like we usually do.  So through the whining I tried to serve them dinner which was not very successful.  And just as we were close to all having a break down Maw Maw walked through the door.  BAM all smiles!!  She only stayed for about an hour but it was what we all needed for sure.  In that hour we did  puzzles, showed her our artwork from school today, listened to Bubba's song on the radio, ate some toast and taught her how to play our new counting game the kids got for completing a good behavior chart this weekend!!!  So it's pretty safe to say Maw Maw saved the day..... AGAIN!  Even though we only live about 20 minutes apart I still wish it was next door so that we could see her and Pepa all the time.  For now we will just count our blessings that we live as close as we do and we will enjoy the surprise visits as often as we can!!!!  P.S. I needed the visit as much as the kids did!!!

This Time Change Got Us

So I have never understood the whole time change thing and kind of always thought people sounded silly when it said it messed with their sleep routines.  That is until I had kids.  It is crazy how it affects them so much.  Last night Mimi and Poppa kept our kiddos so we could host my brother and his fiance's engagement party.  Welllllllll poor things offered to babysit on the time change night LOL.  Jean Paul apparently was up at 3:30 AM and wasn't wanting to hear anything about going back to sleep.  Mimi said they decided to just wake up and read the paper and start the day!  about 2 1/2 hours later after playing and being silly she looked over and saw these two on the couch LOL.  Just like that they were passed out cold.  She was so tickled that he fell asleep like that because she knows that boy does not just sleep anywhere.  Most of all because he never wants to miss anything and will stay awake until he is forced to slow down when we put him in bed.  Our kids love going to Mimi and Poppa's so much.  Not only do they get to play, watch movies and eat good but they usually come home with something new.  I pray they always love their special time with their Grandparents, because that time is so important.  It's also a great feeling knowing they are so loved and having so much fun when we are away!  Oh and they always seem to nap amazing when they return from Mimi and Poppa's house too LOL.  I don't know what it is but today was the same, they both took 3 1/2 hour naps which NEVERRRRRRR happens.  And I can't like Brent and I napped with them since we had such a busy weekend and late night last night followed by an early morning breakfast with some of our family members that stayed in town last night!  Please pray for us that tonight goes smoothly since everyone is off schedule with this silly time change!