His Smell

Small things can trigger a 

fresh wave of grief...

as smell, a look or perhaps

a song... within seconds

you are flung into a 

time machine and are

transported back to that 

"moment" when time stood

still, and the world had

crashed at your feet

Great weekend great memories and then I do night time routine but for some reason lose it.  Yep every single night after my bath I do the same thing over and over.  I apply the same lotion every single night that I have for over 5 years.   It is also the same exact lotion that I apply if I shower in the morning or even if for some random reason I get to shower during the day.  The point is no matter when or where this bottle travels with me and this is in my routine no matter what.  Just like any other woman you have met we have a schedule and we like to stick to it.  Well I have not been secretive in the fact that I am beyond OCD so you can imagine I have many schedules and routines that I follow and stick too.  With that being said this one is very crucial to me.  I was beyond lost when I came home from the hospital after the birth of my first child, but without a child in my arms.  I didn't even know what others perceived me as much less what to call myself.  I can remember day after day literally putting one foot j front of the other just to crawl out of bed.  But no matter how hard each day was I still kept my routine and it always included this baby lotion.  Almost 6 years later it actually seems silly as I know have a 6-7 step routine in my daily regimen but I'm trying not to age faster than I have too right lol!!!!!  No matter if my process turns into 20-30 steps or more I will always continue one for sure.  It is true when they say a smell can bring you back to an exact moment.  This smell always has and always will.  My sweet baby had just taken his last breaths and my nurse / an angel sent to me for many reasons informed me it was bath time.  I remember thinking this was beyond normal but now looking back and having more babies knowing it was a gift greater than any gift I deserved.  As a mother of a baby who was beyond sick I didn't know the rules.  And even if there weren't rules or guidelines put into place there should be now.  That bath was more meaningful than I can ever explain.  Fallon, our nurse, quietly approached my bedside and let me know it was time to bathe our sweet boy if we wished.  I can remember my husband glancing at me almost for permission and it was the first time I realized he would never let a memory be made without me. I had never been in this situation and more honestly I did not want to be here and more than ever I did not want to make anymore life deciding decisions.  Next I remember Brent letting me know they had asked him if he wanted to help with Braxton's first bath.  In what I can only describe as a fog I told him of course but please make sure the photographer is there.  Looking back it has to be motherly instinct making sure things are taken care of because now I do not know what I would do without the pictures I have documenting my Braxton's Birthday!  There are many things that stick out as I recall that memory.  But more than anything I can remember the sweetest person guiding my husband every step of the way as he bathed his son, a son that was no longer with us.  But in that moment that did not matter.  This man who till today is still beyond timid and still has to rehearse his thoughts if he is going to compliment me was strong and beyond frightful.  You would of sworn he had done this many times before.  Through all the years I had known him he never held a newborn due to being scared of hurting the fragile little one.  But in this moment I didn't see a scared man or someone who was learning something for the first time, instead I saw a man and his son.  A man that knew he needed to soak up every minute of this time because it was one of the last times he would get it.  My quiet, shy and stand back husband was taking charge and owning this moment.  And for once I couldn't say anything because when it matter most he stepped up.  In that first bath we discovered a birth mark that come to find out every single one of our babies holds in the same exact place and the same exact pattern.  I could bore you for hours with the memories I have of that first and only bath, but the most vivid is my husband applying the pink Johnson & Johnson baby lotion on Braxton.  In a very routine way I can still see Fallon passing him the bottle of pink lotion and silently mouthing to him to apply it all over Braxton.  As I watched my husband lather Braxton without knowing this smell and this moment would be etched forever in my brain I can also see out of the corner of my eye him glance at Fallon, our nurse, out of the corner of his eye.  That glance was a moment of needing reassurance and guidance if I have ever seen one.  Fallon nodded in a way I will never understand giving my husband, a new Daddy, the confidence to continue on.  You see it takes a beyond special person that knows how to guide a husband of a lost child.  Not only has this man just lost a child he has also gained a lifelong battle of personal grief along with a wife  who carries more grief than he can ever imagine.  Brent has since told me that the glances Fallon gave him were more than simple steps.  Each nod was a nudge pushing him and whispering "she needs you as much as Braxton needs you."  She warned him it wouldn't be easy in just a few glances, but she also let him know she was with him every step of the way.  And still today that is true.  I can be silently or outwardly struggling and Brent will ask me have you talked to Fallon lately?  And I know he knows I need my friend.  And for a man of few words I also know that was their agreement.  They not only agreed but promised Braxton and each other in just one look to always take care of me and for that I am always grateful.  A few months after losing Braxton I can remember telling my Mom my small pink bottle of baby lotion from the hospital was almost empty.  As I sobbed wondering how would I ever remember him without his smell this big bottle arrived at my house.  My Aunt Jonette sent it knowing the smell was what triggered my happy memory of Braxton.  This is the same exact bottle I received over 5 years ago and has been refilled 3 times.  It has never completely gone empty so that I can keep some of the original bottle mixed with the new.  This smell will always bring me back to that day.  Even when life has gotten crazy and Satan has tried to take over this smell is the reminder of God's Grace.  That smell is more than a scent, it is his face, his touch, his warmth and more than anything his Love.  The love I will feel again no matter what!  I still apply it every morning and I still apply it on my babies after every bath.  Heaven is for Real and the day I am graced with God's Glory I know I will smell this scent.  It will not only be because my baby will be in my arms again, but it will be proof that this was his plan...... 

no matter oh hard it has been!